Undead and Underwater (30 page)

“That almost sounds like a speech,” he said, giving her a soft kiss.

“It’s not a speech, I think—I didn’t practice. It’s just what I felt. All kinds of things I knew without knowing I knew are coming out. You know, other Pack leaders really should have written a manual or a book on this stuff, would that be too much? Don’t laugh, I’m serious!”

“I’m not laughing at you,” he lied, and kissed her again. “A how-to, by Lara Wyndham-Gardner, it’ll be just what our cub needs. But not for fifty years at least.”

She kissed him back and felt his urgency, dropped her fingers to his jeans and traced his thickening length. But quick as thought, she jerked her hands away when she heard her brother’s pounding footsteps.

“We weren’t—” she began, but stopped when he darted into the room.

“Somebody had the same thought we did. About the next dead pet being human. And that maybe we’d catch on to their timeline and post a watch.” There wasn’t a trace of a smile on her brother’s face, which got Lara’s attention more than anything he could have said. “Better come see.”

“Don’t tell me.”

“There’s a dead human on the kitchen stoop.”

CHAPTER

FOURTEEN

“I have had enough!”

Lara stood over the body, that of a man she guessed was her father’s age, face down on the stoop. It was nearing the dinner hour, so the kitchen was bustling with several people a few feet away with too much to do and too little time to do it. No one had needed to go out on the step (Packers didn’t smoke) so no one knew there was a corpse waiting for—what? The first course?

“Yuck,” was her brother’s comment. “What’s the opposite of an
amuse-buche
?”

“I’m serious, no more old TV for you.”

“Back off, skank. You’re not the boss of me. Except I just remembered you are.”

“Skank?” Jack, she could see, was having trouble following them. She and Sean did have their own language, the language of bitter sarcasm. Not only did it come out more when they were under stress, they were fluent in it.

“It’s an old-timey word for woman, like dame or broad,” Sean explained. “It can be affectionate or not, depending on usage. And the user. And the skank in question, I guess—Oh, shit!” Sean scrambled back and nearly fell into the bushes on either side of the sidewalk and kitchen steps. Lara would have laughed—
she
was the family klutz, not him—if she hadn’t been so startled. She’d barely started to look around when Jack stepped up, hauled Sean out of the bush by the back of his neck like a mother cat with a kitten, and thrust the smaller man behind him.

“Wow,” Sean said from behind Jack, who was almost looming over the scene. Lara noticed Jack was standing very straight, unconsciously trying to make himself look bigger. If he’d been on four feet and furred, he’d be fluffing out his fur and his hackles would be up. “I feel so treasured and safe. My hero!”

“Sorry,” Jack muttered, blushing red so quickly Lara worried he was headed for an aneurysm. “I—don’t know why I did that.”

Lara did. Beta males looked after the cubs—and the younger siblings. There were no cubs to look after yet. But something had scared Sean and instinct had kicked in, and Jack had acted without analyzing.

“If there wasn’t a dead body here, I’d kiss you,” Lara vowed, earning a snort of disgust from her brother and a look of surprised pleasure from her mate.

“Ah, thank you, Lara.”

“There isn’t a dead body, you dim skank.”

She bent over the body. “Hey!” She could have sworn—

“Yeah. He’s alive. That’s what freaked me out. What does it say about me that I was less traumatized when I thought he was dead?” Sean peeked around Jack’s shoulder. “See? He’s breathing. He was so still before, and, um, a little stinky, so I—”

“This is good,” Lara said firmly. She climbed the step, popped open the screen door, and called for Kara to come. Then she shut the door, turned, and knelt by the “body” and touched his shoulder. “A dead human who isn’t dead is a terrific improvement . . . Sir? Are you all right?”

“Yeah, are you comfortable on the cement steps all sprawled out like that? Can we get you a lemonade?”

“Shut up, Sean.” Lara sighed.

“Ow,” the body moaned, stirring. When he moved, Lara got a stronger whiff. Yeesh. She completely understood Sean’s error. The man
stank
, which hadn’t surprised her when she thought he was a corpse. He didn’t need a shower; he hadn’t soiled himself. He smelled like . . . like death and poison poured into the same bag of skin. “Stupid chemo—Wha’ happen?”

Lara helped the man sit up. He’d gotten a nasty scrape on his cheek when he’d fallen, and his forehead was trickling blood. Sean was hanging back, still spooked, and not just by the smell. Jack, by contrast, was crowding, his knee touching her shoulder as she knelt beside the bod—the man. “What happened to you?”

“I—You!” The man, bald except for a few gray wisps decorating the skin above his ears and the back of his neck, jerked away from her touch; he looked up and saw Sean and recoiled. “And you!”

“Wait.” Sean snapped his fingers, blue eyes narrowing. “I know you. The beady eyes, the furtive expression, the catcher’s-mitt-sized hands perfect for snapping bra straps—Geoff’s dad!”

“What?” Jack and Lara said at once.

“You leave my boy out of this!” The man was struggling to stand but was so weak and smelly he was making no progress. It was like watching a dazed turtle on its back struggling to turn over. “He’s not part of this!”

“Jeff’s dad?” Jack asked. “Is that what you said?”

“Not Jeff, Geoff. Okay . . . Lara, you know how Dad has two stories about us he uses as prime examples of our basic personality types, and how he uses them as examples or points of discussion
ad nauseam
and we were sick to death of both of them before puberty?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, for my story, the day on the beach—”

“Jeff, Geoff, and Ryan!” Lara looked at the man with new interest. “Huh. What are you
doing
here?”

“I think your emphasis is wrong; I think it’s
what are
you
doing here
?”

“Wait,” Geoff’s dad said, squinting up at them. “How do you even know my boy’s friends?”

“Family lore; it’s boring, never mind. Yeah, this is his dad, I recognize the—that’s why you smell!” He turned back to Lara. “Geoff’s uncle and grandpa died of cancer when we were in middle school. He’s got it, too! He smells like cancer and chemo!” He actually hopped a little in the joy and relief of solving the puzzle. “Yay!”

“Sean.”

Her brother flinched back from her and she was sorry to see it—and glad. Because she loved him and would die for him or kill for him, yes, of course, one of those things that went without saying even though people said them, but at the end of the day, she was his leader and some things were unacceptable. She knew he hadn’t meant what he’d said, or how it had come across. She also knew reparation was owed, regardless of the man’s motives.

Sean turned at once to Geoff’s dad, who was staring up at him. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it like that; I was worried about what’s been happening around here and was glad I recognized you,
not
glad you’ve got cancer. I’m so sorry. You—you don’t have long, do you?”

“No, I do not,” Geoff’s dad said with touching dignity. “Which is why I’m here. You and your weird dog-people-werewolf-guys have to get out of here and my friend’s gonna make sure you do.”

“Friend?” Sean blinked and looked around, as if expecting to see someone crouched in the business.

“Is the friend a weird dog-people-werewolf-guy?”

“Well, of course,” Geoff’s dad replied as if the question—and answer—were stupidly simple.

“Which means you’ve been scattering dead fish and bats around.”

“Yeah, Len said he couldn’t do it or you’d all know, but it’d take you a while to figure it was me. Even if you caught my scent, with the chemo and all, you might not know what you were smelling.”

“Wait, I’m lost,” Jack said, spreading his hands. “Who’s Len?”

This time Sean and Lara were both happy to have figured it out, and said in delighted unison, “The new kitchen guy!”

“Aw, shit,” Lenny said from behind them.

CHAPTER

FIFTEEN

“Oh, hey, you’re here,” Geoff’s dad said, relieved. “I fell waiting for you and they got me. So, y’know. Protect your evil henchman. Or something.”

Lenny, a male about Sean’s size—five-eleven or so—with short wiry limbs and big dark eyes, stared down at the dying human with no expression. That changed when he looked at Lara, and couldn’t stop his lip from curling back. “You. This would have been on you.”

“Would have been?” Sean looked down at Geoff’s dad. “Do you know what he’s talking about, Geoff’s dad?”

“I have a
name
,” he replied, exasperated. “Is . . . is anyone going to help me up?”

“Oh. Sorry. We should explain.” Lara shook her head; how thoughtless. “Yeah, Lenny here was going to kill Geoff’s dad. He really was supposed to be the dead human, the third pet, found late tonight or tomorrow morning, which we probably wouldn’t have been able to hide like the bat and the fish. Outside law enforcement probably would have gotten involved. Very embarrassing at best, and potentially lethal for a bunch of us at worst.”

“What?” Geoff’s dad yelped. “Stage two lung cancer’s not getting rid of me quick enough for you weird dog people? You gotta speed it along?”

“What do you care?” Lenny’s brown eyes snapped with fury. “You’re a dead monkey too dumb to know it. When you’re all the way dead, you’ll be one of billions. Who’ll care?”

“Plotting his murder is one thing, but watch your mouth,” Lara warned.

“Huh?” Geoff’s dad huh’ed.

“Monkey is to human what nigger is to African American: the polar opposite of cool.”

“But some of my best friends are African Americans.”

Lara was beginning to doubt the man’s intelligence, or sanity. She turned back to the new guy, Lenny, who’d started that very week. Who hung around the kitchen. She’d spoken to him about telling Kara about the mess she and Jack made. He’d helped clean it up!

“So use Geoff’s dad—”

“I have a name!”

“—to leave your nasty little managerial hints, then kill the messenger to leave a nastier message.”

“Dude.” Geoff’s dad was shaking his head. “Not cool.”

Why are they all talking like it’s 1995?
She shook off the wondering. Lenny was not especially bright, his plan was idiotic, and he’d do something stupid(er) any moment. She just had to pick her moment. Or his. “So we’ll probably fight to the death now, but I was wondering if you’d tell me why first.”

Jack looked a little startled at her matter-of-fact prediction of how events would unfold, but she knew he was unwavering in his support. He wouldn’t interfere when she killed Lenny. If Lenny seemed to be getting the upper hand, Jack would pitch in. If Lenny won, Jack would lose his sanity and eat Lenny’s heart, fur or no fur.

Sean, who knew her best, dropped his eyes and muttered to the sidewalk, “Lara, I’m so sorry you got stuck with the alpha card. It so sucks that you have to do this your first week.”

She was sorry, too, but wishing it was otherwise was no solution and a time waster, besides. She was getting off lightly and she knew it; most leaders came into their Packs after a murder or two. It was the natural order of things; she dared not complain.

Worse: she wasn’t at all sorry for Lenny. Just herself. She supposed she wasn’t a very nice woman.

But she wanted answers, dammit. She didn’t think that was too much to ask, and if it was, let the cowards sit in judgment.

“Why?” Lenny’s tone was so filled with loathing she imagine she could almost see his words oozing like poison gas from his mouth, his lungs, his body, his
self
. “You’re that much of a dumb bitch? Hmm, let’s see if I can put my finger on the detail . . .”

“Can’t you just tell us and quit with the sarcasm?” Sean asked. “And even as I asked you that, I became aware of the irony.”

Lara laughed in spite of herself.

“This is why my son never liked you,” Geoff’s dad said with odd piety. “Nobody ever knows what you’re talking about.”

“Because you and yours are freaks!” Lenny burst out. Lara had the impression he’d wanted to make that statement for some time. Years? “In one generation, your sire tore through centuries of tradition! We used to keep to ourselves; we used to let the monkeys be monkeys and the Pack be Pack.”

“You forget,” Lara said mildly, “I’m half monkey.”

“We both are.” Sean stepped up, then leaned over and whispered to Geoff’s dad, “I’m so sorry about how we keep saying the M-word, we don’t approve at all, but I can’t let my sister swing out there by herself.”

“Forget? None of us can forget! Your sire is dumb enough to get stuck in a city hours before his Change, fucks your monkey mom, then brings her home! Where, after she whelped you, she then set about fucking with the natural order of things, a way of life that went just fine for thousands of years without
her
input, thanks.

“And if all that wasn’t treacherous enough—”

Lara nodded encouragingly.
Now we’re getting to it. Finally
. Thank goodness bad guys always had the need to rant, a quality she had never understood (it wasn’t enough he hated her family; he had to explain his hatred. Just kill her and be done!), but was grateful this once.

“—then she and her useless mate make friends with vampires and mermaids—
leeches and fish
, for God’s sake, like they can ever be one of us!—and they’re raising you to be just as inefficient and weak.”

“If I was a raging vamp-o-phobe and mer-o-phobe, I’d be mad, too,” Sean admitted.

“He’s made you think the Pack is run by committee.” Lenny was so furious he was actually spitting while he raved. “And you’ll teach your born-to-be-useless cubs the same. So it’s not just him. Just killing
him
,
although it would be really fucking
great
, won’t solve the problem. The seeds have to go, too.”