Authors: Kelly Lawrence
‘I wanted to say sorry for last night.’
This again. Is it his way of telling me he doesn’t like me like that? I’m not one bit sorry, but I don’t say anything, trying to look as if I’m not bothered one way or the other.
‘I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you after you had had a scare. I don’t want you to think I was taking advantage.’
A scare? I realise he’s talking about the guys harassing me at the park, and feel a rush of warmth towards him. How many eighteen-year-old boys worry about taking advantage? Generally, that’s exactly what they’re trying to do.
‘It’s okay,’ I say, feeling a bit giddy. ‘I didn’t think you were.’ I don’t want to come right out and say,
I wanted you to kiss me, damn it
.
He looks pleased. We meet each other’s eyes for a long moment, and I know I’ve got a goofy grin on my face but I can’t seem to wipe it off, then I see my boss Becky looming behind him looking annoyed.
‘Are you serving or what, Ash?’ she says pointedly. Joe
quickly orders a coffee and she goes into the kitchen after throwing me a warning look. I grimace at Joe.
‘Sorry, but she’ll have a fit if I just stand here chatting. It’ll be getting pretty busy soon.’
‘That’s okay. I wanted to ask you something.’
‘Oh?’ I pass him his coffee, wiping my hands on my apron and wishing I didn’t look such a state. I’ve got a hairnet on and everything, to stop my unruly curls getting in anyone’s food.
He looks down at his cup, and doesn’t meet my eyes when he speaks.
‘I was going to ask you if you wanted to go to the cinema Wednesday night. There’s a new thriller out.’
He’s asking me on a date! An actual date, not a casual meet up at Dannii’s that could mean anything. An actual date.
‘Uh, sure.’ He looks as shocked by my acceptance as I am by his offer. We stare at each other, then grin simultaneously.
‘Ash, some help please Becky calls from the kitchen and I roll my eyes. Joe laughs and I go in to help her, beaming. In fact, I can’t wipe the smile off my face. Becky eyes me suspiciously. By the time I get back out Joe has gone, but there’s a folded piece of paper next to his empty cup with my name on. His number. Grinning wide enough to split my face I slip it into my apron pocket. As soon as I’ve got a minute I’ll text Dannii and see what she’s doing later. I have to talk to someone about this.
She knows there’s something up the minute I walk in. I’m still beaming, and she looks at me in surprise.
‘What’s up with you? Work couldn’t have been that exciting.’
I smile mysteriously as I sit on the sofa. Or at least, I try
to make it mysterious but I’m still grinning like a Cheshire cat so it probably doesn’t have the desired effect. Dannii flops down next to me and looks at me impatiently. Her parents seem to be out, yet again. Sometimes I envy Dannii her freedom, but I can’t imagine Mum being so blasé about what I’m up to.
‘Have you seen Dean or Joe this weekend?’ I ask, trying to prolong the suspense. Dannii raises an eyebrow.
‘Dean, yes. Joe, no. Why?’
Unable to hold back any longer I launch into the full story, starting with my walk home from Rianne’s and finishing with his impromptu visit to Poppy’s this morning. I barely pause for breath, and I’m flushed and excited by the time I’m finished. But Dannii has a funny expression on her face. I was expecting squealing and suggestions for what to wear Wednesday, not an awkward silence.
‘What?’ I ask, sounding more than a touch defensive. Dannii looks down at her hands, then back up at me. She has a concerned look on her face, but something about it just doesn’t ring true.
‘It’s just, are you sure you want to go out with him, Ash? I mean, he’s hardly your type is he? And then there’s the whole jail thing.’
I lean back, kind of shocked. I thought she would be excited for me, and since when does Dannii care about my ‘type’? She’s always trying to encourage me to go for boys more like the ones she goes for and okay, jail is pretty bad, but at least he’s not a stoner like Dean. I don’t say that to her though. Instead I give her Joe’s version of the events that got him into trouble. Dannii just shrugs.
‘He’s not going to admit he’s a complete thug is he? Especially when he’s trying to get into your knickers.’
I scowl at her crude words and have to bite back the
retort that I’m not like her. In all honesty, the thought of Joe getting into said knickers fills me with as much excitement as it does nerves, but I don’t say that to her either. The whole conversation just isn’t going the way I expected it to, and there’s an unspoken barrier between us that I don’t understand.
‘Is everything okay?’ I ask, wondering if I’ve been too busy chattering about myself to notice Dannii might have problems of her own.
‘Sure, babe.’ She puts her hand on my knee. ‘I’m just looking out for you. I don’t want you to get mixed up in anything bad.’
I frown, remembering something Joe said as we were walking home.
‘I thought you and Dean were trying to set me up with him? Isn’t that why you invited me round the other night?’
Dannii gives this little laugh.
‘Oh, that was Dean’s idea. But I didn’t actually expect the two of you to like each other.’
‘Well, apparently we do.’ I try to smile, but something about Dannii’s whole attitude has put a dampener on my fizzing spirits. ‘I’ve never had a date before, I thought you’d be giving me advice on clothes and what not to do on the back seat,’ I joke. Dannii just gives a tight smile.
‘Who actually goes on dates anymore anyway?’ she says as if she’s old hat at all this. ‘He’s probably just trying to take advantage, Ash, and knows you’re a bit of a square.’
That’s it, I’m pissed off. I glare at her, completely at a loss for a comeback, I’m so wrong-footed by her whole attitude, but she goes on relentlessly, as if she hasn’t just totally insulted me. ‘You’re a virgin for God’s sake, Ash. Do you really think he’ll be interested when he realises you’re a no go zone? I bet he’s had loads of girls.’
That stings. Not least because the thought has crossed
my mind already.
‘Not everything is about sex,’ I snap, even though I know the feelings that Joe stirs up in me are a hell of a lot about sex, even if that is a subject I’m less than experienced in. Never before has Dannii thrown anything like this in my face, if anything she’s always seemed quite proud of me. Perhaps she is just looking out for me.
‘Maybe it’s time I took the plunge.’ The thought makes my heart race. With Joe? Maybe that is all he wants, isn’t that the case with all teenage boys? But I think of the way he looked at me in the café earlier and don’t want to believe it. If that’s all he was after, why would he bother with a girl like me? As a challenge? The thought of him discussing me with Dean makes me feel sick.
‘Well, I said yes to Wednesday,’ I say, less certain of myself now. Dannii’s face lights up in a sudden smile.
‘I’ve got it, why don’t we double date? Then I can suss out what he’s up to, and you don’t have to worry about him trying anything.’ She looks pleased with herself.
‘I don’t know, I think he meant for it to just be the two of us,’ I try to protest, but Dannii waves a hand airily.
‘Don’t be daft, it’ll be much more fun. I’ll text Dean now,’ she whips her phone out of her pocket and I give a resigned sigh. She’s just being a protective best friend after all, and I barely know Joe. He intimidated me at first, so maybe a double date isn’t such a bad idea. Perhaps Dannii is, for once, being the sensible one.
‘So what shall we wear?’ she chirps, finally looking enthusiastic, and she pulls me into her room to raid her wardrobe. Dannii has tons of clothes, more than she will probably ever wear, which works out fine for me as I get to borrow loads of her stuff, although her tops are a lot looser around my boobs. We spend the next twenty minutes trying on various outfits, and she seems happy again.
‘How are things with Dean?’ I ask, wondering if that was why she was a bit short at first. She shrugs, holding a purple dress up to herself in the mirror. The colour looks great on her.
‘Yeah, fine. He stayed over the other night.’
‘Already?’ I blurt out. After all, it’s only been a few weeks. Dannii rolls her eyes at me as if I’ve just proven her earlier point and I blush, wondering if maybe I am a bit of a square after all. If Joe and I start dating, he’s going to want to do more than just kiss. Dannii coming to the cinema with us is probably for the best, as I don’t know how I would react to him trying to grope me in the dark. I really hope he wouldn’t be that obvious, and if a guy behaved like that I’d usually be horrified, but at the same time my insides feel warm at the thought of Joe’s hands anywhere on my body. I think about the way I practically threw myself at him last night. He affects me in a way I just haven’t felt before. Surely Dannii doesn’t feel that way about all of her boyfriends? I can’t imagine Dean inspiring those feelings in anyone, but she must see something in him other than his car and a ready supply of weed. For the first time the differences between me and Dannii feel glaring. Well, maybe I’m sick of being a square. I hold up a white halter neck that Dannii has tried to get me in before that I’ve always discarded as too revealing.
‘I’m wearing this,’ I say firmly.
I change my mind by Wednesday of course, and settle for leggings and a tight yellow top that makes my hair and eyes pop. I get my mum to put some eye make up on me, as I always do my eyeliner squiggly or poke the mascara wand in my eye if I try to do it, and she looks almost as excited as me.
‘So tell me all about him,’ she asks, and I tell her he’s a
friend of Dean’s, a mechanic, and gorgeous. But nicer than Dean of course, because he doesn’t smoke or seem to drink much.
I leave out the fact that he lives on the Estate, and has a criminal record, and that he faced off a gang of other boys without breaking a sweat. Mum looks so happy, and I don’t want to burst her bubble. Or mine. I’ve been trying to push Dannii’s words to one side all week, and just think about how Joe came to my rescue in the park, and then came to the diner just to ask me out. I’ve turned it into a novel worthy romance in my mind, and I really need to get a grip. If I’m not careful, I’ll be doodling ‘Ash loves Joe’ all over my college books like a lovesick schoolgirl.
I’ve barely heard from him since Sunday, just a few texts, although I’ve been constantly checking my phone and driving myself crazy with it, even turning it off to stop myself from looking at it every two seconds and then rushing to turn it back on ten minutes later, in a total panic in case I’ve missed something. I just hope he doesn’t mind too much about the whole double date thing; Dannii has pretty much taken over arrangements. She’s picking me up with Dean and we’re meeting Joe there. Even though it’s still a date, it’s dampened my excitement a bit, how am I supposed to get to know him with those two hanging around? But I tell myself not be mean; she’s looking out for me after all, and it will make things less awkward.
I hear the car horn beep and grab my jacket, giving my mum a kiss on the cheek. She’s wearing perfume. Taking a step back to look at her I realise she’s a bit glammed up herself; her hair is in this complicated up do instead of her usual wild curls and I’m sure that her top is new. I’ve been too busy worrying about my own date to notice. I narrow my eyes at her suspiciously.
‘Where are you off to?’ I ask, as if I’m the parent.
‘Just for a quick drink with the girls; I’ll be back before you. Home by twelve, okay?’
I nod, but I’m not sure she’s telling me the truth and that feels weird. Mum has never lied to me. Well, not since Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy anyway.
A louder beep on the horn prevents me from saying anything else and I rush out, giving my hair a last ruffle in the hall mirror. Dannii’s standing outside the passenger door to let me in – Dean’s car is only a three door, a little Ford that always sounds on the verge of breaking down – and she looks amazing. A bit slutty, but amazing. Instead of the purple dress she’s wearing the shortest denim skirt I’ve ever seen with an off the shoulder cropped top and some seriously high wedges. Her hair is down over her shoulders and I think she’s wearing fake tan, which makes her legs all kind of shimmery and golden. A bit much for the cinema in April maybe, but there’s no denying she looks great. Not so for Dean. As I get in the car he half leers half grins at me, and he’s sporting a fluffy growth on his upper lip that might be trying to be a moustache. His eyes look slightly glazed, and I wish I had just got the bus. He’s either had a beer or a joint, probably both, and I don’t fancy being stopped by the police. Or crashing.
The whole way there he has one hand high on Dannii’s leg, inching up her skirt, while she just giggles and gives him a knowing smile. They’re definitely sleeping together, whereas I’m starting to feel I’m wearing my virginity like a flashing neon sign. And I bet virgins aren’t Joe’s normal type of girl, any more than he’s my ‘type’ of boy.
Thinking about Joe makes my tummy flip, as if I can’t wait to see him yet I’m dreading it all at once. I text him to let him know we’re on our way, hoping he hasn’t changed his mind. I’ve not heard from him since this morning; just a quick message to confirm the time. The day has been
unbearably long, even though today was double history; my favourite class, much to Dannii’s disgust. I spent lunch in the library as she had gone to see Dean on his dinner break. I think she likes him a hell of a lot more than I originally thought, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad.
Joe hasn’t texted back, and as we turn into the parking lot of the cinema I scan it anxiously. What if he changes his mind? The thought grips me like a cold vice, but then I see him, waiting for us on the steps, and I want to get out of the car and go to him so bad I sit right on the edge of my seat, silently urging Dean to hurry up and park the car so I can get out. He walks over towards the car, looking straight through the window at me with the same boyish grin I’ve glimpsed before. In a plain white tee and jeans he doesn’t look moody or intimidating anymore; he looks like a teenage heartthrob, straight out of one of Mum’s old magazines from the nineties. When he avoids looking at Dannii clambering out of the car, all thighs and cleavage, I like him that little bit more.