Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (14 page)

WORST DRUG-SNIFFING DOG

“Falco,” at the County Sheriff’s Office, Knoxville, Tennessee

In August 2000 David and Pamela Stonebreaker were driving through Knoxville in their recreational vehicle when sheriff’s deputies pulled them over for running a red light. The cops were suspicious and called for backup: a drug-sniffer named Falco. The dog sniffed outside the vehicle and signalled “positive,” so deputies immediately searched the inside of the RV…and found more than a
quarter ton
of marijuana.

But in court, the Stonebreakers’ attorney challenged the search—the dog couldn’t be trusted. It turned out that between 1998 and 2000 Falco had signalled “positive” 225 times and the cops found drugs only 80 times. In other words, the dog was wrong nearly 70% of the time. Falco, the defense argued, was too incompetent to justify searching vehicles based on his “word” alone. The judge agreed and the Stonebreakers (their real name) went free.

LEAST-WATCHED TV SHOW IN HISTORY

“In 1978 an opinion poll showed that a French television program was watched by no viewers at all. The great day for French broad-casting was August 14, when not one person saw the extensive interview with an Armenian woman on her 40th birthday. It ranged over the way she met her husband, her illnesses, and the joy of living.…The program was broadcast in primetime.”

—
The Incomplete Book of Failures
, by Stephen Pile

The thyroid cartilage is more commonly known as the Adam’s apple.

WORST JOCKEY

Beltran de Osorio y Diez de Rivera, “Iron” Duke of Albuquerque

The duke developed an obsession with winning England’s Grand National Steeplechase horse race when he was only eight years old, after receiving a film of the race as a birthday present. “I said then that I would win that race one day,” the amateur rider recounted years later.

• On his first attempt in 1952, he fell from his horse; he woke up later in the hospital with a cracked vertebra.

• He tried again in 1963; bookies placed odds of 66–1 against him finishing the race still on his horse. (The duke fell from the horse.)

• He raced again in 1965, and fell from his horse after it collapsed underneath him, breaking his leg.

• In 1974, having just had 16 screws removed from a leg he’d broken after falling from the horse in another race, he fell while training for the Grand National and broke his collarbone. He recovered in time to compete (in a plaster cast) and actually managed to finish the race while still on his horse—the only time he ever would. He placed eighth.

• In 1976 the duke fell again during a race—this time he was trampled by the other horses and suffered seven broken ribs, several broken vertebrae, a broken wrist, a broken thigh, and a severe concussion, which left him in a coma for two days.

• He eventually recovered, but when he announced at the age of 57 that he was going to try again, race organizers pulled his license “for his own safety.”

The Iron Duke never did win the Grand National, as he promised himself he would, but he did break another record—he broke more bones trying to win it than any jockey before or since.

Desi Arnaz’s mother was one of the heirs to the Bacardi Rum fortune.

FAMILIAR PHRASES

Here’s one of our regular features—the origins of some common terms and phrases
.

T
HE BALL’S IN YOUR COURT
Meaning:
It’s your turn; it’s up to you
Origin:
“This term comes from tennis, where it signifies that it is the opponent’s turn to serve or play the ball. A British equivalent is ‘the ball’s at your feet,’ which comes from football (soccer), and has been in use much longer. How much longer? Lord Auckland used it figuratively in a letter written in about 1800: ‘We have the ball at our feet.’” (From
Southpaws & Sunday Punches
, by Christine Ammer)

TO BEAR DOWN

Meaning:
To put pressure on someone or something
Origin:
“For centuries sailors used the word
bear
in scores of expressions to describe a ship’s position in relation to the wind, the land, or another ship. Most are still used by sailors today.
Bear up
, for instance, means to head the ship into the wind.
Bear off
means to head away from the wind, a phrase sailors came to use figuratively whenever they wanted anything thrust away from their person.
Bear down
in the original nautical sense meant to approach from the weather, or windward, side. It later came to mean to approach another ship rapidly, pressuring them to yield.” (From
Scuttlebutt
, by Teri Degler)

BY THE SKIN OF ONE’S TEETH

Meaning:
By an extremely narrow margin; just barely
Origin:
“A literal translation of a biblical phrase from Latin. The biblical source is the passage where Job is complaining about how illness has ravaged his body: ‘My bone cleaveth to my skin and to my flesh, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth.’ The point is that Job is so sick that there’s nothing left to his body. The passage is rendered differently in other translations; the Douay Bible, for example—an English translation of the Vulgate (St. Jerome’s fourth-century translation)—gives: ‘My bone hath cleaved to my skin, and nothing but lips are left about my teeth.’ The phrase first appeared in English in a mid-16th-century translation of the Bible. It did not become common until the 19th century.” (From
Jesse’s Word of the Day
, by Jesse Sheidlower)

State gem of Washington: petrified wood.

TO EAT ONE OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME

Meaning:
To eat large quantities of someone else’s food

Origin:
“Its first recorded use in English was by William Shakespeare, who used it in his play
Henry IV
, written in 1597–98. In Act II, Hostess Quickly of the Boar’s Head Tavern is complaining about Sir John Falstaff, who has been lodging with her, eating huge quantities of food, and avoiding paying his bill: ‘He hath eaten me out of house and home, he hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his…’ The phrase
out of house and home
was in use as early as the 13th century, and during the 15th century people often said ‘he hath eaten me out of house and harbor.’ Shakespeare combined the two phrases.” (From
Inventing English
, by Dale Corey)

NOT UP TO SNUFF

Meaning:
Below standard

Origin:
“Englishmen were so fond of finely powdered tobacco, or snuff, that its use was nearly universal throughout the kingdom. Connoisseurs would pride themselves on knowing their snuff. One derided as
not up to snuff
was considered an amateur at judging powdered tobacco. But soon the phrase expanded to any person or product considered to be less than discerning.” (From
Everyday Phrases
, by Neil Ewart)

TO PAY THE PIPER

Meaning:
To accept the consequences

Origin:
“Street dancing was a common form of amusement during medieval times. Strolling musicians, including flute players, would play for a dance wherever they could gather a crowd.

“Frequently a dance was organized on the spur of the moment. Persons who heard the notes of a piper would drop their work and join in the fun. When they tired of the frolic, they would pass the hat for the musician. It became proverbial that a dancer had better have his fun while he could; sooner or later he would have to pay the piper.” (From
I’ve Got Goose Pimples
, by Marvin Vanoni)

Scary thought: The great white shark is the only shark that can hold its head above water to observe activity on the surface.

DUBIOUS ACHIEVERS

Here are some of the most bizarre world records we could find. How bizarre? One of the record holders is a bacterium
.

I
’M SENSING…SURGERY.
Since 1979, Fulvia Celica Siguas Sandoval, a transsexual TV clairvoyant from Peru, has had plastic surgery 64 times. More than 25 of the operations have been to her face.

LIKE A ROCK.
St. Simeon the Younger lived from 521 to 597 AD in Antioch, Syria. He spent his last 45 years sitting on top of a stone pillar.

CONAN THE BACTERIUM.
Deinococcus radiodurans
can withstand 10,000 times the radiation it would take to kill a human, earning it the title of “World’s Toughest Bacterium.” It was discovered living in swollen tins of irradiated meat in Oregon in the 1950s.

SOCK IT TO ME!
Britain’s Kirsten O’Brien managed to wear 41 socks at once…all on one foot. She performed the “feet” on the BBC’s
Big Toe Radio Show
on May 20, 2003.

THE HOLE-IEST OF RECORDS.
Having 600 body piercings is pretty impressive in itself, but in 2002, 28-year-old Kam Ma of Whitburn, England, got 600 piercings in 8 hours and 32 minutes.

CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY?
On June 1, 2000, 566 accordian players gathered at the International Folklore Festival in the Netherlands. For 22 minutes they played folk songs in unison—becoming history’s largest accordian ensemble ever (hopefully).

PANTS ON FIRE.
John Graham (if that
is
his real name) holds the title “World’s Biggest Liar.” He earned it by telling the most tall tales at the Annual Lying Competition held in Cumbria, England. He’s won the contest five times (or so he says).

POLITALKS

Politicians aren’t getting much respect these days—but then, it sounds like they don’t deserve much, either
.

“That is true…but not absolutely true.”

—
Montreal Mayor Jean Drapeau

“My colleagues and I are upset by this blatant attempt to replace diversity with fairness.”

—
N.J. assemblyman Joseph Doria

“Solar energy is not something that is going to come in overnight.”

—
Gerald Ford

“Have we gone beyond the bounds of reasonable dishonesty?”

—
CIA memo

“You can’t just let nature run wild.”

—
Gov. Wally Hickel (AK)

“I intend to open this country up to democracy, and anyone who is against that, I will jail!”

—
President Joao Baptiste Figueiredo, Brazil

“Things happen more frequently in the future than they do in the past.”

—
Gov. Booth Gardner (WA)

“Sometimes in order to make progress and move ahead, you have to stand up and do the wrong thing.”

—
Rep. Gary Ackerman

“If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.”

—
British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”

—
Dan Quayle

“We’re going to move left and right at the same time.”

—
Gov. Jerry Brown (CA)

“Facts are stupid things.”

—
Ronald Reagan

“First they tax our beer, then they tax cigarettes. Now they are going to increase the tax on gasoline. All that’s left are our women.”

—
Sen. John East

“Sixty years of progress, without change.”

—
Saudi government’s anniversary slogan

“Gin” comes from the French
genièvre
, for “juniper.” (Gin is made from juniper berries.)

HURRICANE HAZEL

Steve Pitt was born in Toronto on October 15, 1954, during the height of Hurricane Hazel. All his life, people have been telling him hurricane stories. Result: he’s written a book (
Rain Tonight
), a documentary (
Storm of the Century
)…and this article
.

B
IRTH OF A KILLER
On October 5, 1954, meteorologists began tracking a massive tropical storm moving west toward the Caribbean island of Grenada. It was the eighth hurricane of the year, so they named it for the eighth letter in the alphabet: Hazel.

From the outset Hazel was a killer. On October 12, it swept over the island of Hispaniola (Haiti and the Dominican Republic), with devastating results. The storm surge washed away dozens of shoreline villages. Winds as high as 125 mph flattened inland towns. Torrential rains triggered mud slides that buried more than 250 people alive in the mountain town of Berley. At least 1,000 Haitians are estimated to have died within a few hours.

But the mountains of Hispaniola took their toll on Hazel as well. Hurricanes—essentially swirling masses of humid air—do not climb hills well; they lose energy with every foot. By the time Hazel was clear of Haiti, its wind speed had dropped to a mere 40 mph and meteorologists expected the storm to die before it touched land again. They were wrong. An unusually hot October sun helped recharge the storm, and by the time it passed over Bermuda, Hazel had become a Category 1 hurricane again. As it headed for North America, it grew to a Category 4.

HURRICANE ALLEY

Whenever hurricanes land on the eastern seaboard of the United States, they almost always follow the same route. Prevented from moving west by the Appalachian mountain range, they are pushed north by the rotation of the Earth. As a result, the low-lying coastal areas between South Carolina and New England have the rueful nickname “Hurricane Alley.” So far that year, two hurricanes, Carol and Edna, had traveled exactly that route, and on the morning of October 15, Hazel followed in their wake. The eye of the hurricane came ashore near the state line between North and South Carolina and the whole system immediately swung north toward Virginia.