Read Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Weird Inventions Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Weird Inventions (13 page)
More than 10,000 Squatty Potties have been sold. They’re offered in three varieties: The “Classic” is sleek, white, and made of recycled wood; the “Ecco” is sturdy enough to be used by a large family; and the “Tao Bamboo” is both handmade and super-classy.
THE WORLD’S LIGHTEST SYNTHETIC MATERIAL
A
nswering the impossible question, “Why can’t metal be lighter than a feather?” a quandary previously explored, in another context, by Poison and Skid Row during the 1980s, a team of California scientists created a spongy, ultralight “microlattice” from interlocking, hollow nickel tubes. Each tube is 1,000 times thinner than a human hair. When woven together, the substance is 100 times lighter than Styrofoam. It floats through the air like a feather and can rest comfortably atop a dandelion. Perhaps just as impressive, considering its metallic origins, the microlattice achieves a 98-percent bounce-back resilience when squished. (Unlike, say, the dandelion.)
A metallic material that can leave a dandelion’s fluff undisturbed? There’s got to be a
Horton Hears a Who
sequel in there somewhere. Then again, the researchers suggest that their microlattice might make a terrific acoustic-damping material for soundproofing walls. Another potential use? Impact protection for aircraft, from airplanes to spaceships, where lightness is fairly important. Here’s hoping, however, that kids don’t try using the stuff for trampolines or gymnastics mats; those little metal slivers can be murder when they get under the skin.
W
e all like to think we’re Earth-friendly types—just maybe not friendly enough to voluntarily give up our dual-car households stuffed with plastic gadgets. Fortunately, while we’ve been sitting around feeling sort of guilty about our non-stop gorging on fossil fuels, scientists at the University of Wyoming have been busy working on a possible alternative.
It involves using cutting-edge science in tandem with a totally old-school tool; in this case, the humble, hard-working silkworm, who’s getting a genetic facelift in order to produce silk that has the tensile strength of a spider’s. As it turns out, scientists have long hoped to “farm” spiders in order to harvest their silk; weight-for-weight, it’s stronger than steel, and presents all sorts of possibilities—medical implants, bionic ligaments, even tough, biodegradable plastic. Problem is, spiders don’t produce much of it, and even if they did, their propensity for eating each other makes them difficult to keep in close quarters.
Silkworms, on the other hand, make plenty of silk (and they aren’t cannibals), but it isn’t as strong as the spidery stuff. Undaunted by their rude refusal to cooperate, the Wyoming University team simply stole spiders’ DNA, and the result seems to be a genetically modified silkworm capable of producing super-strong silk—which is great and all, but also feels like the setup for a spider-based horror movie.
S
ince the dawn of humanity, man has dreamed of flying like the birds in the sky (or at least that’s what narrators always intone in aviation documentaries), but once airplanes successfully got off the ground, as it were, man’s thoughts turned from flying to plummeting for some reason.
In order to help skydivers practice their craft a bit before actually leaping out of a plane, Canadian inventor Jean St. Germain honed existing wind tunnel technology to create the so-called Levitationarium in 1979, using propellers to produce an upward airflow within a chamber to effectively levitate those individuals within. St. Germain then sold his concept to the Aerodium Company, which has further perfected the Levitationarium. Sadly, it’s now generally referred to by the far less snazzy name “recreational vertical wind tunnel,” but, as Aerodium proudly notes on its website, one such tunnel could be seen during the closing ceremony of Torino 2006 Olympic Games as “the best bodyflyers from Latvia made spectacular show, flying at a height of 25 meters during the live broadcast to billions of viewers all over the world.” Still, it would’ve been way cooler if they’d introduced them by saying, “Behold! The LEVITATIONARIUM!”
Y
ou know what the worst part about a dance party in which people get together to dance to loud, thumping, nonstop electronic music? All of the music of course. Who needs all that audible music delivered via speakers so as to be heard by all in attendance, right?
The concept of a “silent party” goes back to a 1969 Finnish science-fiction movie called
A Time of Roses
. Taking place in the distance, space-age future, partygoers are depicted dancing in a silent room. Brainwashed? No. They’re all listening to the same music on individual pairs of headphones, sent out via wireless signal. That’s a pretty obscure movie, but it may have inspired the “silent disco” trend that took off in the British isles in the 2000s.
In 2000 a BBC-sponsored “silent gig” was held in Cardiff, Wales. The hundreds of attendees listened to various DJs spin music through wireless headphones, to which the music was beamed. The concept is ideal for places with noise restrictions, or where curfews limit how late clubs or private parties may play loud music. If the place is silent, the music can go on well into the night. The only sound is the sound of feet shuffling.
A
long with food pills and video phones, the idea of self-driving cars has long been a staple of Western culture’s collective idea of “the future,” and thanks to the brain trust at Oxford University, those visions are finally on the verge of becoming reality. Led by Professor Paul Newman, a group of scientists has developed a self-driving system, which they’ve installed on a Nissan Leaf and have begun testing on university grounds. (Although the system still requires someone to be situated squarely in the driver’s seat.) The programming, which uses 3-D laser scanning to build up a map of the vehicle’s surroundings that’s accurate to within a few centimeters, has been tested successfully at up to 40 mph.
Don’t worry, there’s no chance of the vehicle going all HAL 9000 on the driver: The system won’t even offer to drive unless the road conditions match the necessary programming requirements. Newman even describes the scenario as “essentially an advanced driver system,” sort of the next-next-next generation of power steering.
Although the current price of equipping a vehicle with the technology hovers in the range of $7,560, which is still pretty cheap all things considered. Newman’s goal is to reduce the cost to a decidedly more reasonable $150.
P
eople who meditate find that the hardest part of seeking serenity is cutting out all the immediate distractions of the outside world—ambient noise, discomfort as they sit on the ground, things like that.
Being able to turn off your senses so as to reach a higher mental or spiritual plane is the theory behind sensory deprivation tanks, in which a person floats in body-temperature water in the dark. Another way to cut out sensory input so as to look inward: the Sleeping and Meditation Bag, patented in 1982.
“Sleeping bag” is in the name, because that’s its jumping-off point. It’s a sleeping bag that you can wear while sitting up, in the cross-legged meditation position, or while lying down. It completely covers an entire adult and can be pulled tight with drawstrings to keep out the elements, distractions, light, and noise. And it’s got a soft cushion to keep your tush comfy during those prolonged meditation sessions. On all sides is a thick layer of puffiness to send you on your way to spiritual bliss.
S
ometimes you need a bro to give you a high-five to celebrate a job well done, a witty barb, or other minorly awesome event in your life that necessitates extremely brief human contact. But what do you do if you’re all alone? You get a mechanical High Five Simulator, bro.
Actually patented in 1994, the High Five Simulator is essentially a spring-loaded arm that’s mounted on a wall, so it’s always ready for a good slap. A fake hand attached to a forearm piece is connected to a lower arm section with an elbow joint for pivoting. When the hand is struck, the raised arm bends backward briefly before returning to the ready position.
This invention is perfect for a lonely and excessive high-fiver, or just somebody who can’t get their friends to satiate their need with real high-fives. One would think that this would be a perfect gift catalog item for dads, bros, and sports fans, but it never took off commercially. It did, however, show up on a 2013 episode of 3
0 Rock
, used by an editor of a men’s magazine to high-five himself.
E
lectric-guitar shirt:
The human desire to rock out is so profound that it often cannot be denied, but what if a yearning to kick out the jams kicks in when you’re in no position to sling your six-string? Those who prefer to play it safe and maintain the option to riff at any given moment may wish to add the Electronic Guitar Shirt to their wardrobe. The black T-shirt features an artistic rendering of a white guitar—surrounded by orange, yellow, and red flames for added rock credibility—that can be played just like a real guitar, with each button on the neck triggering a different major chord. The shirt also comes with a mini amp with an adjustable tone knob that can be attached to your belt (which literally “goes to 11”). And the music-making circuitry is easily removable, making it easy to wash off all the rock ’n’ roll sweat and groupie pheromones.
Graphic-equalizer shirt:
Sure, having a playable electric-guitar shirt is cool, but you know what would make it cooler? Playing it while you’ve got a buddy standing beside you wearing an equalizer shirt (not a shirt advertising ’80s TV series
The Equalizer
). The so-called T-Qualizer Raver, described on its website as “a sound-sensitive flashing equalizer T-shirt designed to heat things up while you move,” features a thin, pliable electroluminescent panel that lights up and flashes to the beat of whatever music is playing in your vicinity.
F
or those who’ve been prematurely claiming that science has already invented everything that needs to be invented, you may at long last finally be right, now that the Swiss company Blacksocks has developed Smarter Socks. Expanding on their line of bestselling black calf socks, the company has begun to offer a Plus+ version of the socks that features an RFID chip that incontrovertibly identifies which socks belong to each other.
Mind you, this necessitates the purchase of the $189 Sock Sorter device that features the button that allows communication with the aforementioned chip (it does, it must be said, come with 10 pairs of the socks), but “the interaction between the socks with a communication button, the Sock Sorter, and an iPhone app makes sorting socks child’s play,” trumpets
Blacksocks.com
. As if it isn’t enough that it helps you establish a record of how often your socks have been washed, the app also features a black-o-meter to determine the precise level of your black calf socks’ blackness. Yes, really.