Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy (60 page)

Jackie didn’t care what they saw on the video: She just wanted out. She and her husband agreed to try to patch things up, so she packed her stuff, put the kids in his truck, and they moved 300 miles north to the tiny town of Weldon, California. “I thought I had left the ghost back in San Pedro,” she said. “I thought everything was going to be okay.”

But would it? Well, you’ve probably guessed that because there’s a Part II (
page 399
), the answer is no
.

In China, “World Wide Web” translates as “10,000 Dimensional Web in Heaven and Net on Earth.”

LOWER EDUCATION

It’s real good to no that in this crazy world that our childrens is all getting topnotched educations so they can be moe intelligenter. U can cholk that up to some grate teechers!

S
NACK TIME
“Whoever eats this dead fly, I will give them an ‘A’ on tomorrow’s test,” said an algebra teacher (not named in reports) at Oak Ridge High School in El Dorado Hills, California, in November 2009. Most of the kids cringed, but a student named Stephen Zeldag took the dare…and swallowed the fly. That night, Zeldag didn’t study, thinking he’d earned a free pass, and the next day, he got only 9 out of 46 problems correct. The teacher held up his part of the bargain by writing, “Here is your A,” on the test paper…but he put an “F” in the gradebook. “I really didn’t think he was joking,” said Zeldag. At last report, a school investigation was pending.

GIVE ’EM A SHOT

In May 2009, every student who attended the junior prom at Warwick High School in Lititz, Pennsylvania, was given a commemorative shot glass. “We couldn’t afford to give out anything as extravagant as picture frames or money clips,” said a member of the prom committee, which included students and several adults. Assistant principal Scott Galen said that he never knew what the kids would be given; on the order form he approved, it just said “prom souvenirs.” School officials acknowledged that giving out shot glasses to high school students “might have sent the wrong message” and promised, in the future, to find out exactly what they’re approving before they approve it.

LUNCH AND SIGHTSEEING

Mary Segall, a high-school choir director in Phoenix, Arizona, was put on administrative leave for taking 40 students to lunch following a class trip in December 2009. She claimed that the restaurant she chose was the only one downtown that could accommodate such a large group. “Nonsense,” said the school’s principal. “This is a big city; there are plenty of eateries downtown to choose from.” So which restaurant did Segall take the kids to? Hooters.

Gee whizz: 93% of surfers admit to having peed in their wetsuits at least once
.

TOO SOON?

In April 2007, a drama teacher at South Park School in Vancouver, British Columbia, had her 6th- and 7th-grade students reenact the Virginia Tech massacre, the worst school shooting in U.S. history—which had occurred only a few days earlier. After receiving numerous complaints, the school’s principal agreed that it was a “totally inappropriate lesson.” The teacher (not named in press reports) countered that the exercise was merely designed to “give the kids an opportunity to address their feelings about violence.”

CREATING A CONTROVERSY

In 2008 John Freshwater, a public middle-school science teacher from Mount Vernon, Ohio, used the classroom’s high-frequency generator for a totally different kind of science lesson: He burned crosses onto several students’ arms. He’d been reprimanded before for teaching creationism and refusing to remove a copy of the Bible from his classroom, but the branding incident was the last straw—he was suspended without pay. A friend of Freshwater defended him: “With the exception of the cross-burning episode, he is teaching the values of the parents in the Mount Vernon school district.”

SHE SAID A MOUTHFUL

To inspire girls to work harder, in January 2010, administrators at Crosby Middle School in Hitchcock, Texas, brought in a motivational speaker named Shirley Price, a local woman who had overcome physical handicaps to earn a doctorate. But, according to school superintendent Mike Bergman, “Somehow, Shirley got it in her head that students were having sex on campus and went into a profanity-laden speech about sexual-type things”—including, reportedly, graphic tips on various sexual techniques. Bergman later sent a letter to the students’ homes apologizing for the “off-target and objectionable” speech. Price maintains that her comments were taken out of context, and that she merely told the girls to abstain from sex. But that didn’t satisfy many parents, who demanded the school give their girls counseling. Said one mother: “She violated my daughter’s innocence!”

2009 scientific study: Bad driving is genetic. (About 30% of Americans have “bad driver” genes.)

WEIRD TOURS

When you get tired of ordinary vacation stuff like buffets and beaches, why not check out something new—like shootouts, cesspits, and the U.S. Border Patrol?

P
ARIS SEWER TOUR
There aren’t many tours that begin with the question, “Everyone have their nose plugs?” But starting in 1867, tourists in Paris could take a stinky boat ride on an underground river of moldy cheese, half-eaten baguettes, cigarette butts, and…other stuff. Sadly, the boat tours were put to an end in 1975, but today, for only $3 U.S., you can take a walk through the Paris Sewer Museum, which covers 500 yards of the city’s 1,300-mile-long sewer system. From the top of a metal grate, you get a bird’s eye view of the sewage itself. But that’s not all—you’ll also see the tools of the trade, including a “flusher trolley,” a “two-ball traveling cleaner,” a gas mask, and the new state-of-the-art computer monitoring system. At the end of this “tour of doody,” you can go to the restroom to really be part of the action.

ILLEGAL U.S. BORDER CROSSING TOUR

To take this tour, you’ll have to travel 700 miles south of the U.S./Mexico border to Parque EcoAlberto, a park owned by the Hñahñu Indians in the state of Hidalgo. For about $18, you and your “fellow immigrants” (actors) take a four-hour nighttime trek through the desert over steep hills and across dry river beds until you reach the (fake) U.S. border. All the while, “border-patrol” officers (more actors) chase you and shoot guns loaded with blanks. Your mission: to reach the “U.S. border” first, at which point the guards swear at you in Spanish before giving you a ride back to where you started.

THE SERVANT GIRL ANNIHILATOR TOUR

In 1884 and ’85, a serial killer terrorized the streets of Austin, Texas, raping and murdering nine people, many of them servant girls. Though several suspects were arrested, no one was convicted, and the real “Servant Girl Annihilator” was never found. This 90-minute tour will take you to every spot where a victim’s body was discovered. However, none of the victims’ houses are still standing, so the tour is basically a grisly history lesson while you look at empty lots. Price: $15.

Costa Rican baseball factory workers earn about $2,500 a year. Average MLB player: $2.5 million
.

RIO SLUM TOUR

A popular new tourism trend in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, and other South American cities is “reality tours,” where visitors trek though slums and shantytowns. One of the first of these “poorism” trips is the Favela Tour through Rio’s largest shantytown, Rocinha. Organizer Marcelo Armstrong says it will be an “illuminating experience if you look for an insider point of view.” Visitors can see armed men who work as guards for drug traffickers, but the tour is mostly an opportunity to help the local economy by shopping at neighborhood markets and food stalls.

L.A. GANG TOURS

“It’s a terrible idea. Is it worth that thrill for 65 bucks?” asks Los Angeles City Councilman Dennis Zine, who doesn’t understand why anyone would willingly travel into the most dangerous neighborhoods in L.A. “There’s a fascination with gangs,” counters Alfred Lomas, former member of the Florencia 13 gang, who started L.A. Gangland Tours in 2010. But it’s more than just a way to spend a Saturday afternoon; Lomas says that he wants the public to see that the “mean streets” are not as mean as they might think (although passengers must sign a waiver absolving L.A. Gangland Tours of any liability should they get hit by a stray bullet). “We can either create awareness and discuss the positive things that go on in these communities,” said Lomas, “or we can try to sweep it under the carpet.” After paying, you’ll board an unmarked charter bus and head out past the graffiti-covered walls of skid row, passing such landmarks as the Central Jail and the L.A. River (where
Terminator 2
was filmed). Then you’ll travel to the Florence-Firestone neighborhood, the birthplace of the Crips. The tour is conducted by tattooed former gang members—who take extra care not to upset
current
gang members. “We ain’t saying, ‘Look at them Crips, look at them Bloods, look at them crackheads,’” said Frederick “Scorpio” Smith, an ex-Crip. Councilman Zine still doesn’t like it: “You can go to a gang movie for a lot less money and not put yourself at risk.”

Record distance traveled in a hang glider: 437 mi.—about the distance from Boston to Wash. DC
.

OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD
RELIGIONS

What if one of these “fringe” belief systems is correct—and the Supreme Being is a creature from another world? Well, we at the BRI support our alien overlords!

R
eligion:
Raëlism
History:
In 1973 French auto-racing journalist Claude Vorilhon changed his name to “Raël,” which he says means “messenger,” after he was visited by a 25,000-year-old alien named Yahweh. The alien told Raël, he says, that he had been chosen to tell the people of Earth the truth about…well, everything. Today Raël has an estimated 50,000 followers worldwide, mostly in Canada, France, South Korea, and Japan.

Beliefs:
Raëlians believe that all life on Earth was created via genetic engineering by a super-advanced race of alien beings called the
Elohim
. They’ve sent several prophets to Earth, including Buddha, Moses, Jesus, Mohammed, and the alien Yahweh, to help humans evolve into a more advanced state. Reaching that state will also require genetic engineering and cloning, and when we’re ready, the Elohim will come to reveal their message of peace, reverence for science—and sexual freedom—to all.

Extra:
Raël claims that in 1975, Yahweh took him to an orbiting spa just outside our solar system, where he got a massage and aromatherapy treatment. Then he had dinner with Jesus, Buddha, Moses, and other prophets. After dinner, Raël went to his apartment, where he made love to several attractive female robots.