Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy (39 page)

E.T. PHONE EARTH

Obviously, the most exciting theory is that the “Wow!” signal is a bona fide message from another world. But this explanation has problems of its own—namely, why haven’t they called back? The region of the night sky that the signal came from has been surveyed more than 50 times since 1970, by telescopes many times more powerful than the Big Ear. To date, there has been only radio silence from that patch of Sagittarius.

But that silence has done nothing to stop the speculation. Perhaps, some astronomers theorize, the signal comes in pulses, once every few hours or so, and we’ve simply missed it. Or it may sweep across the sky like the beam from a lighthouse. Or maybe it was a one-time thing, a brief transmission, or one that we caught only the tail end of. The SETI scientists can’t state outright that the signal was created by intelligent beings on a distant planet. However, they do admit that most of the other possibilities have been all but ruled out. “Either the ‘Wow!’ signal was an intercepted transmission from another civilization, or it’s a previously undiscovered astrophysical phenomenon,” said Dr. Paul Shuch of SETI. “Either possibility is mind-boggling.”

STILL SEARCHING

The Big Ear radio telescope is no more—it was torn down in 1998 to make room for a golf course, and its astronomers have moved on to other projects. But the questions raised by the “Wow!” signal haven’t disappeared. Meanwhile, astronomers still sit in small rooms, poring over mountains of data, hoping to be the one who detects that tiny blip that will alter the course of human history.

Found on the handle of a hammer: “Caution: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object.”

WHAT’S IN
YOUR
PANTS?

We’re betting that whoever invented pants never saw these stories coming
.

W
hat’s in
Her
Pants:
A bat
Story:
Anna Buchan, 19, of Aberdeen, Scotland, was being driven to work by her mother one morning in July 2008 when she suddenly let out a scream—something was crawling up her thigh,
inside
her pant leg. Buchan hurriedly pulled down her pants and saw what it was: a small bat. She managed to grab the animal and, once she arrived at work, put it in a box. Wildlife officials advised her to release it after nightfall. “It’s so cute and small,” Buchan said, after she regained her composure. “I’ll be sorry to see it go.”

What’s in
His
Pants:
A ferret

Story:
In October 2009, a teenager walked out of a Pet Supermarket store in Jacksonville Beach, Florida, and confronted 38-year-old Rodney Bolton. Why? The boy had just seen Bolton stuff a ferret down his pants inside the store. Bolton denied it, but when the teen wouldn’t leave him alone, he pulled the ferret out of his pants and thrust it into the kid’s face—and it bit him. Police arrived a short time later and arrested Bolton. He was charged with robbery and battery with a “special weapon”—the ferret. The brave teenager was treated on the scene and released.

What’s in
His
Pants:
Wieners

Story:
Police in the town of Innisfail, Australia, were called to a supermarket in October 2009 because a man had been seen leaving the store after shoplifting several items. Police found the 38-year-old suspect in the parking lot—with several sausages stuffed into his pants. According to reports, the sausages “were recovered but were not returned for sale in the store.”

What’s in
His
Pants:
Pigeons

Story:
Customs officers at the airport in Melbourne, Australia, became suspicious when they found two small eggs in the pocket of a man traveling from Dubai. They told him they’d have to search him, asked him to take his pants off—and found two live pigeons taped to his thighs. The unidentified 23-year-old was arrested for trying to smuggle live animals and faces up to 10 years in prison.

Clinical depression is 10 times more common now than it was in 1945
.

What’s in
His
Pants:
A scar

Story:
David Walker, 28, of Dinnington, England, was in a pub one night in March 2004 with his “lifelong friend,” Stuart Simpson. After drinking approximately 15 beers, the two friends got into an argument: It was Simpson’s turn to buy a round, but he didn’t buy one. So Walker got angry, left the pub, went home, shoved a sawed-off shotgun down his pants, walked back to the bar, and, on the way there, shot himself in a
very
delicate place. While he was still recovering from emergency surgery, Walker was sentenced to five years in prison for illegal possession of a firearm. He says he has no memory of the incident whatsoever.

What’s in
Her
Pants:
“Trees”

Story:
In January 2008, police in Palm City, Florida, pulled over a car driven by 24-year-old Theresa Linette Rochester. According to the police report, officers “observed a large bulge in the groin area of Rochester that resembled a male penis.” Pretty sure that Theresa didn’t have a penis in there, one of the officers asked her what the bulge was. “She stated it was ‘trees,’” the report said—a street name for marijuana. A subsequent search found that she had about an ounce of the drug in plastic bags in her pants. Rochester was arrested for drug possession.

What’s in
His
Pants:
Fire

Story:
Kenneth Ray Brooks walked into the Centura Bank in Orlando, Florida, in September 2006, demanded cash, got it, shoved it down his pants, and quickly left the building. A few minutes later, police patrolling the area noticed a man walking down the street with smoke pouring from his pants. It was Brooks—a dye pack hidden in the bills had exploded and somehow lit his pants on fire. Brooks was arrested and, according to officers, “walked very, very slowly to a waiting ambulance.”

Female buffalo on California’s Catalina Island receive regular birth-control injections
.

GOING THROUGH
THE MOTIONS

A “motion” is a request made by an attorney during a court case, asking the judge for permission to make some type of change to the case. But, according to the BRI’s legal expert, some motions are anything but ordinary
.

M
OTION:
Delay the start of the trial because it conflicts with a college-football game.
ARGUMENTS:
In a 2008 insurance case in Louisiana, the trial was scheduled to begin on January 7—the day of the national college football championship game between the hometown Louisiana State University Tigers and the Ohio State Buckeyes. The defendants’ lawyer, Stephen Babcock, argued, “In addition to the opportunity to be the BCS National Champions, this game also represents LSU’s chance to even their win-to-loss ratio with Ohio State. All opposing counsel are self-professed LSU fans, and consequently, have no objection.” Babcock even pointed out in a footnote that all the lawyers associated with the case were veteran members of a Tigers fan club called the “Tiger Pimp Nation.”
RULING:
The judge was apparently a part of Tiger Pimp Nation as well. The motion was granted.

MOTION:
Delay the trial because deer season will interfere with jury selection.

ARGUMENTS:
In 2006 Bobby Junior Cox of Lonoke County, Arkansas, faced a number of serious charges in a highly publicized case.
Voir dire
, or jury selection, was scheduled to begin on November 8—three days before the state’s six-week-long deer-hunting season began. Cox’s lawyer argued that every defendant is entitled to a jury that represents a cross-section of his local community, and getting such a jury might be difficult. Because local residents often scheduled their vacation time during hunting season, many prospective jurors would want to be excused from serving.
RULING:
The trial judge agreed with Hall’s arguments, and the motion to reschedule voir dire was granted.

In 2010 a British court gave permission for an injunction to be served via Twitter
.

MOTION:
The opposing lawyers should have lunch together.
ARGUMENTS:
In a case involving a medical group in 2006, the plaintiff’s attorney, David Selden, thought that a friendly chat over lunch would be the best way to resolve some pretrial disputes with the opposing attorney. He even offered to pay, but his opponent, Dow Ostlund, didn’t respond. Selden finally filed a motion asking the court to compel Ostlund to have lunch with him. Ostlund eventually told the judge that he “would love to have lunch at Ruth’s Chris Steak House”—a restaurant that isn’t open for lunch. Selden objected to Ostlund’s choice, but said he would find a way to oblige—if Ostlund paid for his own meal.
RULING:
The judge granted Selden’s request, and suggested 11 “fine restaurants within easy driving distance of both counsel’s offices,” ordered that the two meet for lunch no later than August 18, and even specified how the tab was to be paid, right down to the 20% tip. Ostlund probably realized after oral arguments what the judge would decide. Ostlund and Selden eventually sat down over a catered lunch…at Selden’s office.

MOTION:
Delay the trial because the lawyer’s dog just had puppies (and a massive storm is about to hit).

ARGUMENTS:
In a 2006 Florida case, the defendant’s attorney made a motion to have a hearing involving some findings the court had made. On July 13, 2006, the court ordered the plaintiff’s lawyers to submit their response to the motion by September 6. But by late August, Tropical Storm Ernesto was bearing down on southern Florida. On August 28, the plaintiff’s lawyers, Stanley and Susan Rosenblatt, moved for an extension of time to file their response. The Rosenblatts’ reason: With the storm coming, they and their staff would need the next few days to get through the storm, leaving them with little or no time to complete the work needed to respond to the motion. Finally, Susan Rosenblatt added, “In addition to the normal preparations for her family and office, undersigned counsel has seven puppies (born to her King Charles Cavalier) that are dependent upon her, and additional preparations for them are needed for the possible hurricane.”

RULING:
The court granted the motion, and the puppies weathered the storm.

Traffic police in South Korea are required by law to report all the bribes they receive
.

THE OBJECT OF MY
AFFECTION IS AN OBJECT