Unbeloved (19 page)

Jase
didn’t deserve to a Brady.

“
Help me out?” Michael suggested. “Those two monsters can go all day, and after Mom let them eat a plate of her sugar cookies . . .” He shook his head. “I’ll be running out of energy long before they do.”

Jase
glanced to where the kids were unsuccessfully trying to roll a ball of snow, but instead of seeing his brother’s kids, he saw his own girls in their childhood, running through the snow-covered backyard, bundled from head to toe, grins gracing their innocent faces.

He
’d tried so hard to keep them innocent, separate from his other life, from what he did for a living and his numerous indiscretions.

He
’d never wanted to hurt them, but he had.

And now it was time to make a change.

“Build a snowman,” he said, giving his brother a sad smile. “Why the hell not?”

Jase
wasn’t stupid enough to think that redemption would be handed to him on a silver platter. But as he walked side by side with his brother, leaning down to grab handfuls of snow as he went, he figured he had to start somewhere.

Might as well start with a snowman.

“
What do you mean, Tegen and Cage are bringing Christopher here?”

With my hands on my hips I glared at Hawk
, who was still in bed, looking much the same as I’d left him this morning. Only now he was sitting up, the bed a mess with papers that had been strewn across it, along with bits of food and an ashtray that looked precariously close to spilling over and covering the white sheets in black ash. And someone had lugged the flat screen up the stairs, along with both of Cage’s video game consoles.

It appeared that the boys had been visiting
, and nobody had bothered to clean up.

T
his disgusting mess, coupled with the fact that Hawk hadn’t consulted me about bringing Christopher to Miles City, had taken me from feeling a sort of nervous excitement for what the night might have brought, to being downright irritated with him.

“
I didn’t want him seeing you like this,” I continued. “What’s he going to think, finding his father all black and blue, hardly able to walk on his own? How are you going to explain that to him?”

Very s
lowly, Hawk set down the glass he was holding and turned to look at me in that maddening way he’d always looked at me when he thought I was acting like a lunatic. And maybe I was reacting badly, but if anything he should be used to me and my reactions by now. But what was really irking me, what I absolutely could not fathom, was why he hadn’t grasped yet that it was that damn look that only infuriated me further.

“
I missed Christmas,” he said carefully, as if his words were footsteps and my temper was the thin ice he was skating on. “And I want to see my boy.”

“
But you didn’t even consult me!” I cried. “And I’m his mother!”

“
I’m his father,” Hawk replied coolly. “And I was planning on tellin’ him I wrecked. Fucked my bike up and myself.”

I couldn
’t exactly argue with that and yet for some reason, because I had nothing to say in response and was starting to feel a little silly at my Tegen-esque outburst, I grew even more upset.

“
Fine,” I muttered. “Fine, whatever, I’m . . .”

I stopped talking to glance quickly around the room, looking for something that would give me an excuse to make a quick exit. My eyes landed on the closest, most plausible excuse.

“I’m going to take a bath,” I said, averting my gaze from Hawk’s always prying eyes, and scurried off across the room.

When the door was closed behind me and I was safely ensconced inside the little room, I leaned back against the tile wall and took a deep, calming breath. I
’d been so nervous, so wound up after talking with Eva, full of expectations and excitement for the upcoming evening with Hawk, that once I’d found out Christopher was coming, it had felt as if someone had pulled the plug on my newfound happiness. It wasn’t that I didn’t want Christopher to come to Miles City. I not only missed him, but I wanted him to see his father. It was just that . . .

Maybe
I’d wanted Hawk to myself for just a little while, before I had to share him with a child who didn’t see nearly enough of him, and who monopolized the man whenever they were together. Not that it had ever bothered me before, but things were different now, things were changing, and maybe they were changing too quickly. I couldn’t keep up, my emotions couldn’t keep up, and I’d wanted just a couple of days where time could stop, and Hawk and I could get to know each other again. We could talk, make love, just be together for the first time out in the open, before our families, our lives, and the club all caught up to us and time started moving again.

Sighing, I pushed away from the wall and went to sit down on the edge of the bathtub. There was no use in going back out there and making more of a fool of myself, so I turned on the water and waited for the tub to fill.

I’d always loved baths, usually first thing in morning, sort of like the calm before the storm, a way to relax before the day turned hectic and busy. Not that my days had been hectic, they hadn’t been for quite a long time, but that wasn’t the case anymore.

I was back home, back in Miles City
, and hectic was a rather mild word for what tended to be the status quo for the good—and not-so-good—citizens of my small town.

When the tub was full I
undressed quickly, leaving my clothing in a heap on the floor, and stepped tentatively into the steaming water. I sighed contentedly as I sank down, my muscles loosening as the water lapped over my body and instantly ebbed away my frustration. Letting my head fall back against the cool porcelain, I closed my eyes.

Alone now and
comfortably relaxed, my thoughts returned to my conversation with Eva, and to what I’d had planned for tonight. And then they turned to the man himself, the story of us, how we’d begun, and all the stolen moments we’d shared over the years. With every latent memory I allowed to rise from the cobwebs, I found myself growing more and more aroused, excitement building inside me until I was burning, aching to be touched the way he had once touched me, hoping he still wanted me as badly as he once had.

Whimpering, I arched my back, sinking even deeper into the bathwater. Cupping my breasts, I kneaded them softly before reaching down.
My fingers whispered over the soft skin of my stomach, across my hips, before sinking between my thighs.

Panting, air shuddering from my lungs, I squeezed my legs, closing them tightly around my hand, putting pressure where I needed it most.

And then, as I often did when I was alone and turned on, I envisioned Hawk. Dressed in head-to-toe riding leather, covered in road dust, his Mohawk matted and messy from his helmet. But it wasn’t his appearance that was appealing to me, it was the look on his face after a run, refreshed and rejuvenated. His dark eyes would lighten, his thunderous walk would slow and relax; at those times he always looked as happy as a man who never smiled could look.

And then his eyes would find min
e and in his gaze, I knew instinctively what he wanted from me. Then later, when we could be alone and I was in his arms once again, I would wrap myself around him, breathing him in, the sweat and soap on his skin, the scents of leather and smoke that always clung to him.

The
y were my favorite smells, ones I could conjure even now, despite the strong-smelling scents of my shampoo and body wash. All I had to do was close my eyes and inhale . . .

Suddenly m
y eyes flew open and my hands fell still.

What was I doing?

What in God’s name was I doing?

I sat up quickly in the bathtub, my jerky movements causing water to slosh over the side and onto my clothes.

“Dammit,” I whispered, slapping at the water. Forget my clothing, I was upset with myself. For doing what I did best and, once again, hiding. Here I was, about to pleasure myself while thinking of a man who was right outside the damn door! A man lying in a bed with hardly any clothing on, no less!

I didn
’t have to hide anymore—not my feelings, not myself, nothing. Everything was finally, blessedly all out in the big wide open. I’d said good-bye to Jase, and I’d admitted my true feelings to both myself and Hawk.

I finally had everything I wanted.

And what was I doing? I was hiding.

I shot u
p out of the tub and snatched the towel from the rack. Wrapping it around my body, I began internally chastising myself. I wasn’t that weak-willed woman anymore, afraid of everyone, but most of all afraid of herself.

I was stronger, maybe not as sure
of myself as I wished I were, but definitely stronger. I’d walked away from my demons, learned how live on my own, living my life how I saw fit, and all without any help from anyone else.

A handful of days back in Miles City
, and I was once again acting the part of a woman afraid.

Grabbing a hair tie off the bathroom sink
, I pulled up my partially damp hair into a messy top bun and continued drying myself off. My thoughts were spinning, my nerve endings flaring to life as my stomach tingled with nervous excitement.

I was going to leave this bathroom a strong woman, a woman sure of herself, one who knew exactly what she wanted
. For the first time in my life, I was going to take what I wanted without having to worry about the repercussions, without having to worry about hurting anyone in the process.

Until I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

For a moment I simply stood there, gazing into the reflective glass, feeling a strong sense of detachment. Unlike when I’d lost my memories, I wasn’t greeted with a sense of unfamiliarity, but I was still left wondering where the time had gone. Where I had gone.

T
he image in the mirror didn’t mesh with the one in my dreams and fantasies: a younger woman, her days and nights filled with hot, sweaty lust and love. And men, their big tall bodies hard and thick, their skin inked, their hands strong and calloused from years of hard work, covered in dirt that had coated them so long, it would never wash away.

This wom
an was getting older, had lost her youthful cuteness, and although I’d never classify myself as ugly, I still felt inadequate.

Letting my towel fall to the floor, I
cupped my breasts, pushing them up as high as they would go. Turning sideways, I studied my self-imposed lift. Yes, my face wasn’t the only thing that had changed.

“
Saggy boobs,” I said softly with a sigh.

This wasn
’t the body of a woman who should be standing beside a man like Hawk. This was the body of a woman who . . .

I thought of Richard, a local butcher back in San Francisco I
’d gone on a few awkward dates with. He was a kind man but as far as his looks went, he had been balding and rather rotund. The longer I stared at myself, the more I thought of myself as Richard’s physical equal, a woman you would expect to see with a man like him.

Not with a man like
the tall and astoundingly muscular one lying just outside this room. Covered in tattoos, oozing strength, Hawk had never looked his age. Visually, he was such a strong presence, giving the appearance of both an outer and inner strength, both qualities making him appear somewhat ageless.

And I
was . . . me.

“
Screw it,” I said under my breath, turning away from the mirror. If I continued to stare at myself, beating myself up over every little imperfection, I would talk myself right out of what I wanted.

I
could be like Eva or Christina, I could be wild . . .
pussy
. Couldn’t I?

I could, or at least, dammit, I could try.

Even as I was wrinkling my nose up at the thought of referring to my anatomy as “wild pussy,” I grabbed hold of the doorknob and pulled open the door. As if he’d been watching the door the entire time I’d been inside the bathroom, Hawk’s eyes were on me. Or rather, they were on my breasts.

Be brave, I
silently told myself.

Fighting the urge to cover myself
, I proceeded quickly, marching forward like a woman on a mission, until I’d reached the end of the bed. It took him a moment, but eventually Hawk pried his eyes away from my body and looked up into my eyes.

“
I’ve always loved you,” I said, sounding as breathless as I felt. “And I’m sorry I waited so long to tell you. I’m sorry for my outburst. I was being silly and selfish, wanting to just spend a few days alone together before I had to share you again.”

Hawk stared at me, looking
confused. “You’re . . . naked?” he said, sounding as perplexed as he looked.

“
Yes, I’m naked,” I snapped. Annoyed by his response to my nudity, or rather, his lack of response, I put my hands on my hips and narrowed my eyes. “I’m naked because I want to be with you, you big, dumb man.”

The slow smile that lit his face,
painting creases around his eyes and highlighting his hard features with a sexy sort of softness, was breathtaking. Hawk hardly smiled; his expression was normally as stoic as he usually was. But on those precious occasions when he had smiled in the past, it had always taken my breath away. How incredible that such a small, simple gesture could transform a rather frightening-looking man with hardened features into a softer, more beautiful one.

But his smile, as it always had been, was short lived
, and as it slipped away from his face, replaced by his usual indifference, my heart sank and anxiety filling me. I wasn’t a sexually confident woman, no matter how much I pretended to be. I couldn’t be like Eva or Christina, not really. And now I was left standing here, completely nude, wondering what I’d been thinking, walking out here like this and putting myself on display, ripe for rejection.

“
I’m kinda broken,” he said, nodding down at his leg.

And just like that my anxiety
slipped away. It was rare for Hawk to show any sort of vulnerability, and in the face of his admission it became instantly clear to me that I wasn’t the only one feeling a little unsure. Just knowing that this formidable man had fears too was what encouraged me to move forward with my original plan.