Unaccompanied Minor (2 page)

But then of course an air crash came that tested the newer method, and it was discovered that, while smoke rises, noxious fumes
sink
. So the least desirable place now for passengers in a crash situation was for them to be groveling with their noses to the ground, inhaling the poisonous fumes billowing down from the melting synthetic polymers airlines use to manufacture their seat covers. So today the standard is for planes to have indicators that light up at “armrest level,” because that air—between the rising smoke and the sinking fumes—
that
air is the safest. Or at least it is until we learn differently.

So it was the “legacy” of each plane wreck that allowed for that much safer air travel afterward, and so on and so on, because in the end air travel is really just a giant ongoing human experiment. I suspect Malcolm finds it fascinating because he is a boy and that’s how his mind works. I am fascinated by aviation disaster legacies, of course, because my real father died in a plane crash.

Or I should be specific and say he died “due to” a plane crash, because, of course, he survived the impact; almost everybody on board did. But instead of jumping down the inflatable slide to the safety of the tarmac below, my father went to assist some passengers in the back of the plane whose evacuation was being obstructed somehow—and that was it. The fuel in the wings ignited and the plane was engulfed before the firemen could unroll their hoses. Anyone who hadn’t made it out by then didn’t make it at all.

And the obstruction that impeded the evacuation? A few passengers were clamoring to get their bags from the overhead bins. I guess some people have no “situational awareness,” as the flight attendant handbook instructs us about. They think they have time. They don’t understand the obvious dangers. My father understood the dangers, though, and still he went back to urge them forward. One wrong step is all it took. In instead of out. Forward instead of back.

Today, when flight attendants attend their mandatory annual training to update their skills, among the set of crash commands they are instructed to shout during impact—commands such as “Heads down!” and “Get up! Get out!”—there is a new command, and that command is “Leave everything!”

In the number of airline accidents since, it comforts me to think my father contributed to the revised safety measures that may have saved some people. This is another reason I am so obsessed with safety. My father literally died for this, so every time I badger a fellow passenger to put up their tray table or secure their carry-on or whatever, I am honoring my dad’s legacy.

I was glad to see Malcolm on my flight, because I could never be sure he’d be booked. Unlike the gate agents, I can’t pull up the passenger names. I can only pull up the crew manifests to see who is working the flight, which is why I can almost always book myself on a flight that Flo is working. But in Malcolm’s case, I know how to decipher patterns, and Malcolm’s parents have a pattern of putting him on late-afternoon flights on large-body aircraft. I suspect it’s because they are using their frequent-flyer miles, and the bigger the airplane the bigger the likelihood for frequent-flyer seats.

Unaccompanied minors are usually seated together or with an employee flying nonrevenue if possible, so Malcolm and I are often assigned seats next to each other. Along with plane-wreck trivia, we like to compare divorce notes. For example, during his supposed interview with his court-appointed guardian ad litem, she gave him some Sharpie markers and said, “I hear you like to draw,” and that was it, the whole interview. Then his dad’s private investigator produced pictures of the GAL engaged in acrobatic sex with Malcolm’s mother’s attorney in the front seat of his Lexus. The judge of course threw out the report and his dad got shared custody. It’s why Malcolm is always on the plane like I am. Our parents live across the country from each other. It’s why we’re always flying back and forth. It’s also why we both go to the same school, an online academy that is part of the Atlanta public school system. It’s the only way we can stay current in our studies while bouncing from coast to coast.

The difference between Malcolm and me, of course, and I’m sure you knew this, is that Malcolm flies full fare, while I fly nonrevenue. Still, though, he is the only friend I have who relates to my parenting situation.

Dear Judge Cheevers,

I discovered the following document in my mother’s e-mail account. (I admit accessing her e-mail may be considered delinquent, but since she has been committed to a mental institution and declared unable to care for herself, I acted in her interest as her next of kin.) The document is the report submitted to you by Catherine Galleon (my supposed guardian ad litem) regarding my custody. If you recall, you ruled in favor of her recommendation and granted my stepfather full legal custody and shared physical custody. I am resubmitting her report to you with my own notes in the margins.

Anyway, I think it’s important that you understand a few things, so I made a list (my friend Alby Madison helped me with this letter. She’s almost a lawyer). (She advised against the strong language, but we saw that differently):

1. I never met or spoke to Ms. Galleon. I think this is important, considering she invented a conversation we had.
   
2. I’m almost 15 years old, not 12. I think this is important considering Ms. Galleon is charged with minding my welfare. (Don’t you think she should know how old I am?)
   
3. My stepfather, Ash Manning, is a lying, greedy, odious sociopath.
   
4. I don’t play the guitar. I have
   never
   played the guitar.
   

April Mae Manning (hereafter referred to as “Child”)
is a vivacious 12-year-old girl [
I’m 15 almost!
] who is the subject of the Fulton County custody case Manning vs. Manning. She is in the seventh grade [
Eleventh grade level!!
], has an extremely high IQ, and is regarded favorably by her schoolteachers. [
What teachers? My high school is a computer.
] Her favorite pastime is playing the guitar. [
I don’t play the guitar!
] I interviewed Child the morning of January 4, 2013 [
I never met this crazy shebeast!
], at Father’s residence and she expressed great affection for Father [
He is not my father!
], while appearing fearful of Mother [
Not true!
]. It is my recommendation as Child’s GAL that she not testify in chambers to Judge Cheevers because of her fear of Mother. [
I am not afraid of my mother!
]

Elizabeth Manning (heretofore and hereafter referred to as “Mother”)
is a flight attendant for WorldAir. She constantly refers to Child as “my daughter,” as opposed to “our daughter,” which would be more appropriate. [
Again,
Ash Manning is not my father!
] For example, during mediation and interviews, she often declared “I love my daughter” and “my daughter needs me,” causing me to remind her that this was about the Child, not about her.
[Since when is it selfish to say you love your kid? And I do need her!]

Mother was extremely oppositional to my preliminary recommendation put forth during mediation, which would have given Mother a generous visitation schedule of Thurs. to Sun. twice a month
[Generous? Really? We see that differently!]
, which Mother refused to cosign despite several warnings from me that I would recommend something a lot less lenient should this go to trial.

I found it detrimental to Child’s interests that Mother would not agree to my recommended custody schedule even though I made it clear that I felt this schedule was best for Child.
[What do you know about what’s best for a kid? I bet you can’t even keep a goldfish.]
Mother’s insistence for more time with Child is evidence she is putting her own needs above that of Child. Mother is self-focused in conversation, as is evidenced with the innumerable outbursts of “I love my daughter” and “my daughter needs me.”

Mother’s employment as a flight attendant ensures she is often out of town, a situation that is less than ideal for Child.
[“Mother” only worked trips outside of her custodial time.]
Mother’s employment reflects numerous disciplinary incidents.

When asked to describe Child’s hobbies and attributes, Mother named a long list, but nowhere on it was Child’s passion for playing guitar.
[I don’t play the guitar!]
It appeared Mother did not know Child even played the guitar.
[I don’t play the guitar!!]
When asked to cite names of Child’s classmates, Mother was unable to.
[Maybe that’s because I have none.]

Mother took Child to get her ears pierced, which is a major medical procedure that she failed to discuss with Father beforehand.
[Seriously?]
I consider this a change in circumstance, and constitutes a viable reason to reconsider custody.

Ash Manning (heretofore and hereafter referred to as “Father”)
[He is not my father.]
is a pilot for WorldAir. He loves his daughter very much [
I am not his daughter.
], and constantly says so.
[But when “Mother” says it she’s “self-focused”?]

Father married Mother in 2004, soon after her first husband died in the WorldAir plane crash in the Florida Everglades, and subsequently legally adopted Child. I think it was immensely generous of him to marry a widow with a dependent child. [
Did I blink and wake up in a book by Charles Dickens?
] He is extremely loving and gentle when it comes to Child. [
He makes me sleep on the floor in the laundry room!
] Father’s employment as a pilot often requires him to leave town, but he devotes much attention to assuring Child is accommodated during these absences. [
I could be getting dismembered by Satanists for all he cares!
]

Father has taken Child to a plastic surgeon to estimate correction of a large, disfiguring scar on Child’s right arm. I find that very loving and considerate of him. [
That scar is his fault, he was just trying to cover it up so it wouldn’t match the police report! And by the way, ear piercing is a “major medical procedure,” but plastic surgery (!!) is not??
]

Father has interfered with Mother’s employment in the past, most notably by, on a few occasions [
It was every day for a month.
], physically restraining her from leaving the house [
She missed work—the reason for the “numerous disciplinary incidents.”
]. But he has apologized for that [
Really? To whom? Not to me or Mom!
] and promises never to do it again. [
Like crap!
] In any case, Father assured me his actions were instigated by his concern for Mother [
Like crap!
], who was exhibiting signs of mental instability. [
Like crap!
] Afterward, Mother filed charges against Father and had the court issue a temporary restraining order against him, causing him to be evicted from the family residence. I found Mother’s actions to be harsh and overreactive. [
Is she headless?
]

When asked to name Child’s likes and hobbies, Father extolled Child’s love of playing the guitar he bought her [
What guitar?
I don’t play the guitar!!!
], and how teaching her melodies on it comprises important father-daughter bonding time. [
Ash Manning has taught me NOTHING! Except maybe distrust.]
I find this very touching. [
Seriously, is this GAL headless?
]

Based on my research, I recommend FATHER retain full legal and physical custody of CHILD, and MOTHER’s time be limited to four hours supervised visitation every other Thursday from 4–8
P.M
.

Respectfully submitted,

Catherine Galleon, Esq.

[
Judge Cheevers
,
here is a list of reasons why this recommendation should be thrown out and your decision reversed immediately:

1. Like I said, Ash Manning is a lying, greedy, odious sociopath.
   
2. Catherine Galleon is an ignorant succubus.
   
3. My mom may not be perfect, but she cares about me and I am at least RELATED to her.
   
4. If you don’t fix this soon I will bomb a plane. I am not kidding. I never threatened to bomb anything when my mother had full custody, did I? This is a new development in my behavior! This constitutes a CHANGE IN CIRCUMSTANCE!]
   

One of my most prized possessions is an official WorldAir flight attendant manual, even though I can’t really consider it my possession since I stole it from my mother. But even she can’t officially consider it her possession, since it’s government issue and, because it contains high-level in-flight security information, she is expected to return it when she quits or retires (or gets fired, but Flo said that’s not going to happen). Anyway, I cherish this manual because I come from a long pedigreed airline lineage from both my mother’s and father’s sides of the family. (And I mean my real father, not Ash Manning, who is not my real father no matter what he tells you.)