Read Toured to Death Online

Authors: Hy Conrad

Toured to Death (27 page)

FANNY'S FORTY FAVORITE TRAVEL TIPS
I know my daughter is the travel expert. But I've traveled a bit myself. Plus, I'm a true expert in giving advice. But please, you don't have to listen to any of my opinions if you don't want to. I'm just a mother with a lifetime of experience. Feel free to ignore me. That's all right.
1.
Do a home exchange. I've never personally done this, but my sister-in-law Emily loves it. The concept is that you trade your home for someone else's home for a week or two. No money changes hands, but you get to live like a native rent-free while someone else lives like you in your home. There are several websites that show you photos and give you all the information and help you need to arrange a swap: homeexchange.com; onefinestay.com; and homeswap.com, to name a few. It's the only way Emily travels anymore. And it's not just because she's cheap.
2.
Take along a power strip. Have you ever arrived at the airport only to find your phone battery low and all the electrical outlets being used by other travelers? Well, go right up to that nice businessman and ask if you can borrow his outlet and plug him into your power strip instead. You'll make a lot of instant friends. And the power strip will be useful in your hotel room. You can never have too many outlets.
3.
Always pack a hat. Even if you're not a hat person, it will come in handy. You'll wind up using it for sun protection and light drizzles and—in Amy's case, not mine—the occasional bad-hair day.
4.
Make a packing list. I know this sounds boring and anal. But once you do it, you'll never have to do it again. Then, as you're unpacking at the end of each trip, add items to the list that you wish you'd taken and cross off items that you took and never used. You can store your packing list in your empty suitcase until the next time.
5.
Take only clothes that go together. Everything you pack should be in the same general palate. If not, you'll wind up with one clean blouse (a print) and one clean skirt (a contrasting print), and you'll wish you'd listened to me. My rule is bring all solid colors for bottoms and colorful ones for tops.
6.
Bring at least two books to read on the plane. No matter how many online reviews you read, one of your books is going to be a clunker. Just give it away and start on the second. Or better, bring an e-reader. And don't forget your e-reader charger.
7.
Bring a bag for dirty laundry. I know it sounds like a waste of packing space, but it beats sniffing through your underwear every morning. If your hotel has placed a plastic laundry bag in your room, you can steal it. They won't mind.
8.
Use a weekly pill container for your jewelry. Earrings, little bracelets and necklaces, they can all fit inside the compartments of a pill container. This way, they'll all stay organized and untangled.
9.
Bring hand sanitizer and duct tape. This is really two tips, but I felt guilty about listing two such obvious things, so I lumped them together. You can have a perfectly fine time without either one. But if you remember to bring them, you'll be surprised how often you use them—especially the duct tape.
10.
Don't pack that second dress-up outfit. First, no one at that fancy Paris bistro is going to care that you wore the same outfit last week to the theatre in London. And second, travel is a lot more casual than it used to be. Be sure to pack a stain stick, just in case.
11.
Don't pack anything you haven't worn before. Those new shoes you couldn't resist or that last-minute sweater purchase can turn out to be disappointing. The shoes will pinch and the sweater will wind up draping all wrong and make you look ten pounds heavier. Take only what you know is comfortable and looks good on you.
12.
Buy a hanging toiletry kit. This is Amy's favorite, a real lifesaver, she says. These bags unzip, fold out and can be hung from a shower door or a hook or any doorframe. You don't ever have to unpack the contents, just use your toiletries and return them to the bag. Given the size of most hotel bathrooms, a hanging kit keeps you organized and cuts down on bathroom clutter. Go online and check out “hanging toiletry kits,” and you'll see what I mean.
13.
Roll up your clothes instead of folding them. I don't know why a rolled up shirt takes up less space in a suitcase than a folded shirt, but it does. Rolling your clothes also cuts down on fold marks and wrinkles.
14.
Use plastic wrap for liquid containers. If you've ever placed liquids in your checked luggage, you know there's the possibility that the caps will leak and your favorite pashmina will get covered in your favorite shampoo. To avoid this, unscrew the lid, place a layer of plastic wrap over the mouth, then screw or snap the cap back on. No leaks!
15.
Take plenty of zip-lock bags. Amy says these sealable plastic baggies are perfect for preserving crime scene evidence. But they also have a thousand other uses, from packing a wet swimsuit to keep your extra batteries dry.
16.
Use a shower cap on your shoes. When you pack your shoes, cover the soles with a shower cap to keep the rest of your things clean. A lot of hotels still give away shower caps. Take them.
17.
Add a dryer sheet for freshness. Always unfold a fresh dryer sheet in the bottom of your bag. It takes up no room. And it leaves your clothes smelling clean, with fewer wrinkles.
18.
Lost luggage. Take a selfie standing beside your luggage. It's next to no effort, and if your bag gets lost on a flight, you'll have a picture to share with the person in charge. Include yourself in the photo in order to show scale—and to remind them how sweet and desperate you are.
19.
Bring an empty water bottle in your carry-on. You can fill it once you pass security and avoid having to buy one at that overpriced airport store with the rude service.
20.
Ask to buy a last-minute upgrade. I do this at the ticket counter as I'm checking in. If the flight has any leftover business class seats, the agent is authorized to sell them at a steep discount. If you don't ask, you don't get.
21.
Fragile luggage. Amy says I shouldn't mention this one, but she's way too stodgy. Whenever I know I'm going to be in a rush at my destination city, I ask the nice people at check-in to mark my luggage with a big red “fragile” sticker. The bag actually does get better treatment, and they put it on top of the pile when they unload the plane. That means it comes out earlier on the conveyor belt.
22.
Try for extra elbow room. If you're traveling with a friend, book an aisle and a window seat, with an empty seat in-between. This will discourage anyone else from booking the dreaded middle seat and give you some extra elbow room. If the flight is full and someone winds up sitting there, you can always lay on the charm and ask them to switch, so you and your friend can sit together.
23.
Forgot the charger for your electronics? Before you spend half a day trying to buy a new charger, ask at your hotel's front desk. They will often have a box full of orphan chargers that previous guests have left behind.
24.
Alert your credit card company. The banks are a lot more vigilant about fraud than they used to be, even a few years ago. The moment they see an ATM withdrawal in Valparaiso, they will freeze your account and you'll have to spend an hour of your valuable vacation on the phone trying to undo it. To avoid this, call them before leaving and let them know your destination.
25.
Bring at least two credit cards. And be sure to keep one of them in your luggage. This can help prevent a whole slew of disasters, from an ATM eating your only card, to losing it if your wallet is lost or stolen.
26.
Wear something dark on the plane. You will spill food on yourself in those cramped spaces. Guaranteed. And then you'll be stuck carrying around a stained white blouse for the entire trip.
27.
Buy duty-free cocktails. If Amy and I wind up in a hotel room with a little balcony, we will often sit out with a glass of wine or a cocktail before venturing off to dinner. But the hotel minibar selections are always expensive and mediocre. And finding a liquor store is not easy. In some places, like India, they're nearly nonexistent. My solution is to buy a bottle of something at the duty-free shop before leaving the U.S. Then you're all set for your first evening, gazing out over a new vista and planning tomorrow.
28.
Avoid the hotel breakfast. I know the hotel is convenient when you're hungry and only half-awake. But it will be cheaper and a lot more fun to go out the front door and eat where the locals do.
29.
Buy event tickets online. If you're planning to go to a major museum or site, buy your tickets online. It will save you from having to stand in a long line in the blistering sun and you may even get some discounts or special packages.
30.
Don't ask the concierge. If your hotel has a concierge service, you'll be tempted to use them to answer every possible question, especially if the concierges are cute. But it's not a good idea to ask them for recommendations. In most cases, the concierge gets a kickback for everything they book for you—tours, shows, cooking classes, even restaurants—so it's in their best interest to recommend the ones that pay them. Instead, go online yourself and check things out.
31.
Get lost. Amy and I never purposely set out to get lost. But every now and then, we'll head out late and try to find a restaurant that we know is impossible to locate, or wander through the old section of town without a map, or rent a canoe on a river and get carried away by the current. The results are never perfect and never predictable. But they've supplied us with some of our best memories.
32.
Don't throw out your travel-size containers. Before each new trip refill these tiny containers with ingredients from your regular bathroom supply. You'll wind up saving a bunch.
33.
Never go to a restaurant with a menu in three or more languages. More than two languages on a menu is a sure indication of a tourist trap. Many of my best dining experiences were in places where the waiters and I had to play charades in order to communicate. Don't be afraid to take a chance—unless you have major food allergies, of course.
34.
Don't be afraid of a B&B. Staying at a bed and breakfast instead of a hotel gives you a lot more bang for the buck. The downside is that you don't have a hotel staff to do your bidding. The upside is that you get breakfast! And you'll get a real sense of what it's like to live like a local. Many of the new generation of B&Bs are quite luxurious, but be sure to check with a site like Tripadvisor to make sure you're not walking into a surprise.
35.
Don't overtip. People in most countries don't tip like Americans, except Canadians, who are just like Americans, only nicer. It's not a matter of being stingy or generous. It's a cultural thing. They don't expect it. In most regions of the world, the waiters will be thrilled if you leave between five and ten percent of the restaurant check. But you'll have to leave it in cash, since there's usually no line for it on your credit card receipt.
36.
Before leaving for the day, write down your hotel's name and address. I know you're not a five-year-old, or an eighty-five-year old with dementia. But you'd be surprised how many hotels have similar names or how easy it is to forget all the places you've been staying during your whirlwind travels. It's also helpful to show the name to your cab driver if you can't pronounce the street name.
37.
Cull through your photos every night. This will help you eliminate the bad ones before the prospect becomes overwhelming. It will also let you label the good ones while your memory of the day is still fresh. I can't tell you how many times Amy has turned to me and said, “What was the name of that church we went to three days ago?”
38.
Equip your phone. There are all sorts of phone apps these days to help the curious traveler: translation apps, GPS apps, apps for walking tours, even audio guides that you can use instead of renting a headset at a museum. Just be careful to turn your phone feature off when you're not using it. Those roaming charges can kill you.
39.
Go to a cemetery. Just about every great city has a great cemetery and they're definitely worth a visit, from London's Highgate, which has been used in dozens of horror flicks, to New Orleans, where most of the graves are built aboveground. I know it sounds morbid, but there's no better way to immerse yourself in the history and culture of a town than to pay a visit to its late inhabitants.
40.
Don't put off travel. If you've always wanted to hike the Inca Trail, or drive through the wilds of New Zealand, start making your plans. You're not getting any younger, dear. At some point, you're going to lose your energy and wanderlust and be content to just sit in a rocking chair. So go out and travel while you can.
KENSINGTON BOOKS are published by
 
Kensington Publishing Corp.
119 West 40th Street
New York, NY 10018
 
Copyright © 2014 by Hy Conrad
 
Previously published as
Rally 'Round the Corpse
by Seven Realms Publishing in May, 2012
 
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the Publisher, excepting brief quotes used in reviews.
 
 
Kensington and the K logo Reg. U.S. Pat. & TM Off.
 
Library of Congress Card Catalogue Number: 2014953078
ISBN: 978-1-6177-3678-0
ISBN-10: 1-61773-678-3
First Kensington Hardcover Edition: February 2015
 
eISBN-13: 978-1-61773-679-7
eISBN-10: 1-61773-679-1
First Kensington Electronic Edition: February 2015
 

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