“Once I became successful, I hired a runner to look for Mary, but nothing ever turned up. Algernon engaged an investigator to look into the matter, but he couldn’t find anything either. She disappeared without a trace.”
Julianne had harnessed her fear, but she’d never gotten over the guilt of not finding Mary.
Jacob squeezed her hand. “I’m sorry you were so alone.”
He might as well have squeezed her heart. Even after she married Algernon, she was alone in many ways and still afraid she might be set aside.
“It’s not knowing that’s the worst,” she said softly. “After all this time, I don’t suppose I shall ever know what befell my sister.”
Jacob winced and brought a hand to the bridge of his nose involuntarily. Julianne dipped the cloth and applied it to his forehead once again.
“Better?”
“Not really.” He caught her hand and brought it to his lips. He brushed her knuckles with his mouth and then inhaled deeply. “You smell sweet.”
“I don’t feel particularly sweet,” she said.
“I thought we agreed you’d be angry with me tomorrow.”
“I believe you’re the only one who agreed to that,” she said tartly, but didn’t try to take her hand from him. Judging from the hard set of his jaw, he was still in a good deal of pain. If simply holding her hand gave him a little relief, she wouldn’t begrudge him. “You knew this would happen when you used your ability to invade my privacy, so why on earth did you do it?”
“Damned if I know,” he said raggedly. “I just sensed you were afraid. Almost all the time. But you’re so tight with your confidences, so unlikely to share anything of yourself with me, I decided this was the only way I’d learn anything about you that you didn’t want me to know.”
“Was it worth it?”
He looked at her, his gray eyes clouded by pain. “Yes.”
She felt exposed under his intense gaze, as if she were suddenly soul-naked before him.
“You have nothing to reproach yourself for. There was nothing you could have done to save Mary. I don’t want you to be afraid, Julie,” he said.
“What makes you think—”
“I don’t think you’re afraid. I
know
you are, at no small cost to myself, I might add.” He reached up to stroke her cheek. “But you’re safe with me. I won’t hurt you. I won’t cast you aside.”
He cupped the back of her head and gently tugged her down till their noses nearly met. “I care for you, woman. God help me, but I do.”
His lips found hers and she didn’t have the strength to pull away.
God help us both.
C
HAPTER
13
H
is mouth was soft under hers, as giving a kiss as she could imagine. Then he deepened the kiss, demanding entrance and sweeping in to claim her with his tongue.
Her insides boiled. Of course, she wanted him. She could scarcely be in the same room with Jacob without every fiber of her body going on high alert.
But if the man wasn’t above using a gift that was nothing short of magical to invade her past, could she trust him?
“What about the pain?” she whispered when he released her lips and started to kiss his way down her neck. “Viola said your headache could last for days.”
“Sometimes it can, but for some reason, when I kiss you, it escapes my notice that I even have a head.” He nuzzled her jawline and then brushed his lips over her skin till he nipped her earlobe.
He cares for me.
The words played over in her head like a refrain.
Others had said the same thing, had even professed to love her—directors who wanted to use her body in exchange for advancement on the repertory roster or theatre patrons who thought they could make her their mistress for the price of a midnight supper. She’d been cautious about which offers she accepted, knowing the fine words were false. The time they’d actually spend with her would be short, but depending on her needs at the moment, it was sometimes a fair exchange.
She didn’t want what she had with Jacob to be that sort of mercenary quid pro quo.
Then there were the ones who truly had cared about her—her mother, her sister, even Algernon. They hadn’t meant to leave her, but they had all the same.
She straightened, pulling away from Jacob for a moment. Had she somehow doomed those who loved her?
“Julianne.” Jacob said her name as if it were a prayer. Then he untied the belt at the waist of her wrapper. His fingertips nicked her skin through the fabric like little flicks of a whip, driving her body to respond with a deep ache. “I want you so badly, but not if you’re still afraid.”
He means it,
her heart urged her to believe.
But she’d read about Jacob Preston even before she’d come to London. Of all the men to launch her soul on, why would she choose this one, a man with the reputation of a rogue and a debaucher of married women?
“Are you afraid of me, Julie?” His gray eyes darkened to gunmetal and she tumbled into them. Jacob was tumultuous as the North Sea, but somehow, she felt safe to ride out the storm with him.
He cares for me.
She slid the wrapper from her shoulders and stood before him in just her thin nightshift.
“No, Jacob. I’m not afraid.”
He ran a long finger up her arm. All the small hairs on her body leapt to attention. Then he pulled back the sheet, baring himself to the groin to invite her into the bed. His hard shaft rose like a tower between his legs, completely ready for her.
The way her body throbbed, she suspected she was just as prepared to receive him. She bent over, grasped her hem and pulled off her nightshift in one smooth motion.
As his gaze swept over her, his smile was a wicked hallelujah. The pinched paleness brought on by his headache seemed to have passed completely.
Julianne climbed between the cool sheets with him, his body almost feverishly warm by comparison. Her skin glided against his skin. Her body molded to his. Even before joining completely, they fit together, her softness yielding to his hardness.
Would that the crooks and wrinkles in their souls blended as easily. If misshapen parts of their spirits somehow fit together as well as their bodies, it would be nothing short of a miracle.
“Do you remember when I told you about how I thought of you by night?” he said as he traced her collarbone and then dipped lower to tease the crease beneath her breast. “What I wanted to do with you?”
“You said you’d like to kiss me”—she paused to gulp—“everywhere.”
“So you were listening. Good.”
He rolled, taking her across the smooth linens, and stopped with her pinned beneath him. Her legs had parted enough for his hips to settle between them and she felt the tip of him against her opening.
She wiggled down a bit.
“Patience,” he said before he ran his tongue around her nipple. “I know you like to take the lead, but this time, let me. Keep still now, love.”
Love,
he’d called her. She almost believed it.
Her nipple tightened into a hard pink button, aching for him to suckle it. He teased her with his mouth, brushing past the charged flesh, but not giving in to her need.
She made a soft growling noise in the back of her throat, but he only chuckled. When he scraped his teeth across her nipple, she cried out. He finally took her into his mouth and sucked.
A zing of desire arced from her breast to her womb. She ached so, the heavy longing between her legs was almost painful, the need to be filled unrelenting. If he rammed himself home in one hard thrust, she’d sing out in relief.
But Jacob was in no rush. He gave her other breast the same unhurried treatment before he kissed his way down her ribs. He dallied with her navel, his warm breath flooding over her belly and lower.
Everywhere. He’s going to kiss me everywhere.
Anticipation and niggling worry vied for first place in her mind. Would he find her most private place fair? Would she be as much a feast for him as he was for her?
His mouth was a wonder, leaving delight shivering in its wake. Julianne felt her heartbeat between her legs, pounding with more intensity as he continued to move down her body.
The ache was fast becoming unbearable, a torment, yet she didn’t want it to end. He was so close. Inches away from her tender folds.
Then he slid down, kissing her thigh and running his tongue around her knee.
Completely skipping over
everywhere
.
Disappointment hollowed her gut. Jacob threw the sheet back and a fresh whiff of her arousal filled the room. She was swollen and achy, wet with need.
She wanted his mouth on her, to feel his lips on her most sensitive parts. To be accepted and cherished entire.
But instead he was kissing her ankle and sliding his tongue between her first and big toes. It was a lovely sensation and desire sizzled up her leg, but it wasn’t what she was hoping for.
What he’d promised.
Then he switched to her other foot and began to move back up.
“Relax, Julianne,” he said as he eased her legs farther apart. “Your muscles are all tense.”
Hope flared in her again as he moved past her knee. His stubbled jaw was rough on her inner thigh. She bit her lip as he moved closer. His breath warmed her and the curls at the juncture of her legs swayed with each exhalation.
Then his mouth claimed her. He nibbled each lip. He separated her delicate folds with his tongue. He found her most sensitive spot almost immediately.
She could have wept with gratitude.
Instead she fisted the sheets to keep from flying off the bed in sheer joy. Her body wept fresh dew for him. He kissed. He suckled. He swirled the tip of his tongue around her special spot and over it.
As if she were the most delicious thing he’d ever tasted. As if he couldn’t get enough of her.
Julianne couldn’t get enough of him either. She had known hunger in her life, but never this kind of hunger. She was empty, ravenous.
Jacob reduced her to quivering need.
Her insides tightened. She was on a journey, going someplace she hoped she’d reach, but was never quite sure she would. Jacob had taken her there before with far more ease than her other lovers, but that was no assurance he would again. Fear often sidetracked her body.
Fear of being abandoned again.
She’d ended her affairs when the men began to talk of love because she couldn’t bear to involve more than her body. It would hurt even more if she allowed herself to need someone that way. Once her heart was in jeopardy, her body didn’t respond the same way. It was as if she didn’t dare let herself be vulnerable, be open enough to dance the full insanity of lust once her heart might be at risk.
Would it be different with Jacob now that he’d admitted he cared for her?
His tongue made love to her, seeking out her hidden places, lavishing her with soft caresses. She throbbed against his mouth. The internal spiral caught her and she descended to a hot dark place where everything was wet and slick and aching.
Julianne stopped fretting over whether she’d reach her desired end because this time the journey itself was unbridled pleasure. Like a drowning victim who stopped struggling and surrendered to the waves, she gave herself up to it.
But she didn’t sink. Jacob buoyed her along, carrying her to fresh ecstasies. By the time her release came in shuddering contractions and blinding light, she was sobbing his name.
And on the last glorious spasm, he moved up her body and filled her, the heat of him like taking a banked fire inside her. She pulsed around him in welcome as he kissed her damp cheeks.
“Are you all right?” he whispered.
She smoothed her palms over his shoulders, then down his arms to lace her fingers with his. “I’ve never been so all right in my life.”
He covered her mouth with his and began to move. Julianne thrust her hips up to meet him. Their clasped hands were spread out to the sides. Then, without breaking off their kiss, Jacob lifted them so her arms were pinioned above her head. Hands, mouth, and cock, he claimed her.
The world corkscrewed down to heat and friction and pounding need. Julianne crested again and Jacob came with her. He arched into her and she reveled in the deep pulses of his release as he buried himself in her. A feral sound of male triumph tore from his throat.
Then his body relaxed and she felt his full weight descend on her, settling deeper into the feather mattress. The linen molded around them as if it were a cocoon.
What transformation was taking place? What manner of being would they be when they emerged from this linen nest?
His breathing slowed and his heart stopped galloping against her breastbone. He lifted his weight on his elbows and searched her face.
“I’m sorry, Julie. That wasn’t very gentlemanly of me,” he said, his gray eyes darkening with concern. “I meant to pull out.”
“I’m glad you didn’t.” She cupped his cheek. “I wanted to feel you inside me ... for all of it.”
He released the breath he’d been holding and laid his head beside hers on the pillow. “It was wonderful to stay with you to the end. I’ve never done that before.”
“Never?”
“On my honor as a rogue,” he said soberly.
Perhaps it was the way her body felt like a limp noodle. Perhaps it was that she felt so wonderful, she simply didn’t give a damn, but the situation was suddenly too hilarious and Julianne laughed.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
She covered her mouth with her hand, to stifle her mirth. “Oh, how astounded the ton would be if they only knew. Jacob Preston, foremost debaucher of the wives of the Upper Ten Thousand, has actually had a new sensual experience. They’d never believe it.”
“Perhaps you’ll allow that my reputation as a Lothario is a trifle overblown.”
“With your bed skills?” She giggled again. “I should think not. After tonight I’ve no doubt your fame as a rogue is well deserved.”
“All right, I’ll admit I’ve been in more beds than most men, but this wasn’t just another bedding, Julie,” he said. “Not to me.”
Her laughter dried up and she met his intense gaze. She read truth in his eyes. This joining meant something to him. It wasn’t just a mindless swive. Something real had passed between them.
“Not to me either,” she said softly.
He rolled off her. She took it as the signal she should climb out of the bed and return to her chamber.
“No, Julie, don’t go.” He wrapped his arms about her and pulled her back, her spine pressed against his chest.
Don’t go.
It’s what he’d said when she first found him collapsed on her floor. He needed her, and it warmed her to her toes.
“How is your head?”
“Fine,” he said with a puzzled expression as he ran a hand across his forehead. “The pain is gone. You seem to be my own private brand of laudanum.”
“Opiates are addictive, you know.”
“I don’t mind being addicted to you.”
He cinched her tighter and she relaxed into him. His breathing fell into a steady rhythm and after a few moments, Julianne realized he’d drifted to sleep.
She ought to ease out of the bed and make her way back to her own. She was a guest in Lord and Lady Kilmaine’s home. They might have expected her to spend the night in his room, sitting upright in a chair while Jacob slept away his debilitating headache, but they’d surely be shocked to find her naked between his sheets.