Authors: Hannah McKinnon
Hayley shook her head again. Bromely Parish, where Mark and Ellen had married? Years after the wedding they’d made Hayley promise that if anything ever happened to them, she’d ensure they were buried there together. Hayley had laughed at them, told them to stop being so bloody melodramatic, but she’d duly noted their request all the same, and never forgotten it.
Unable to speak, she let her father guide her as they walked down the road to the park. Hayley watched a few children playing on the see-saw and the slides, laughing and squealing as they bounced up and down and slid into the soft bits of bark on the ground. There was something to be said about being a carefree child. Adulthood was terrifying.
Stan sat down on a bench and patted the space next to him. ‘I know you can’t face Mark, but he always asks about you, you know. It’s amazing how he’s coped, bringing Ben up on his own.’
‘Ben?’
‘He’s such a cute little kid. The spitting image of Ellen,’ Stan said. ‘Poor Mark. I can’t imagine being a widower and a single parent. These last few years have been hell but he’s never blamed you. Ever.’ He put an arm around Hayley.
‘I can’t believe it … Poor Tony and … and … Ellen’s
gone
,’ she whispered, then she started to sob.
I said I wanted this to be more than a glimpse. What have I done? What have I
done
?
‘I know, love, I know. We all miss her,’ Stan said, misreading her tears. ‘But we miss you too. We’ve watched you become so withdrawn and …’ He sighed. ‘We don’t know how to help. You won’t let anyone in.’
Hayley remembered Rick’s words during their argument. ‘
You’ve got this big wall …’
She’d thought it was rubbish, another of his accusations.
But he’s right. It’s what I do. Keep people at a distance when things are bad.
Asking for help was a sign of weakness in her book. Pretending everything was fine was a speciality she should have put on her curriculum vitae. It had to stop. She wasn’t showing how strong she was – quite the opposite – and it was only a matter of time before she pushed everyone so far away they’d give up on her.
‘I … I’m sorry I shut you out,’ Hayley said. ‘I’m terrible at admitting I need help.’
‘You’re strong, you know that. We all do,’ Stan said. ‘Tough as nails. You’ll get through this thing with Sean, however it turns out. But let us help you. Stop being so bloody grown-up and independent all the time. People like to feel needed. Especially your old dad.’
The lump in her throat had grown to the size of a grapefruit, now impossible to swallow or suppress. Images of Millie, Danny and Rick floated into her mind. Her husband, her children. Her
family
. Her
life
.
‘Soulmates,’ she whispered. ‘Do you think they exist?’
Stan smiled. ‘Don’t tell your mum this, she’ll think I’m a soppy sod, but I do, I really do. Knew right from the moment we met that she was The One.’ He picked up a leaf and played with it, running it between his fingers. ‘I’d say this crap-fest with Sean, if you’ll pardon my French, means yours is still out there.’
Rick … I was so sure when we met, so very sure …
Hayley pictured his face, his blue eyes and his chiselled features. She imagined his laugh, his big, loud guffaw and she smiled as a warm, familiar fuzzy feeling invaded her heart. She thought about how kind and loving he was to her, how he always asked her, every single day, how she felt and how her day had been, even if she was being a complete bitch. He’d often told her how special she was and how much he loved her. He had supported her in her career, encouraged her in everything she’d ever done. She pictured him playing with Millie and Danny, rolling around in the garden or chasing after them, their shrieks of delight loud and happy. Her chest tightened.
They had over a decade of history, made-up not only of the petty fights but also countless tender moments, big and small, which somehow had been all but eclipsed by their daily routines. Things weren’t perfect, but neither were any of the glimpses she’d been fortunate enough to see. Life was messy, it got complicated. What mattered, Hayley realised, was how you dealt with it and that you stood up – and fought hard – for what you believed in. The question was, what did she believe in?
Rick must think I don’t love him. I thought perhaps I didn’t either but …
The realisation slammed into her like the Titanic into the iceberg.
I do … I really do. Maybe I’ve just forgotten how …?
‘I hope so,’ Hayley whispered. ‘I hope he’s waiting for me,’
We can work things out. I don’t want to lose him too.
She turned towards her father and smiled. ‘You know what? I don’t want to talk about me anymore. That’s all I’ve been thinking about for the past few days. I want to know how you’ve been, Dad.’
He patted her hand. ‘I’ve been worried about you, that’s how I’ve been. And that’s my job. But my health is good now we’ve got my medicine worked out. And your mum keeps me busy around the house and the garden.’
Hayley laughed. ‘You always did love your petunias and your pumpkins.’
‘Hey, don’t knock ‘em,’ Stan said, joining in. ‘I won prizes with those you know.’
She looked at him. ‘It’s so good to see you,’ she said quietly. She sat back and rested her head on his shoulder, and he kissed the top of her hair. ‘Dad, would it be okay if we stayed here for a while?’
‘As long as you like, okay? As long as you like.’
‘Will you tell me stories about when you were younger?’
‘Sure,’ Stan said. ‘Which ones?’
‘Tell me about when you met Mum.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes. I want to know everything. What it was like when you were a kid. Just … just talk to me.’
He laughed again. ‘Okay then. Well, it was a Saturday in May and I was late for the bus so I had to make a run for it. When I looked up, the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen was holding the bus for me. She had a bright red coat and a matching hat and she wouldn’t let the driver leave until I made it on safely. We started chatting and before I knew it …’
*
The sunlight was fading by the time they decided to leave, driven home by the cold and the rumbles of their stomachs. When they got back to the house, the delicious meaty aroma of cottage pie greeted them.
‘Everything okay?’ Karen said as they walked into the hallway. ‘You’ve been gone for ages.’
Stan looked at Hayley. ‘What do you think, poppet?’
‘It will be,’ Hayley answered. ‘I promise.’
‘Can you stay for dinner?’ Karen asked. ‘It’s your favourite.’
Hayley didn’t hesitate. ‘Please, that would be lovely. And can Jake and Jenny still stay until tomorrow? I need to talk to Sean.’
Dinner wasn’t as odd as Hayley had imagined it might be. She watched ‘her’ children gobble down cottage pie and peas followed by apple crumble and custard. They giggled loudly when Stan told knock-knock jokes and pretended not to notice the custard he’d deliberately dabbed on his nose.
After dinner Hayley took Jake and Jennifer up to her old room, and read
The Faraway Tree
to them, something she’d been promising Millie and Danny she’d do when she found the time. She decided that from now it wouldn’t be a question of finding time, it would be one of making it instead. As she covered them up with their blankets and kissed them gently she whispered, ‘Goodbye. Goodbye my beautiful children.’ She lingered in the doorway, watching them slowly drift off to sleep before she finally headed back downstairs.
‘I love you Dad, it’s been so good seeing you,’ she said, hugging her father.
Stan squeezed her tight. ‘Don’t forget that we’re here for you, okay? Always.’
As Hayley walked away from her father, she knew the next time she saw him he’d be back in his wheelchair, unable to communicate coherently. The agony of leaving him behind tore her heart in two and yet, she knew it had to be done. After all, she was only getting what she’d asked for all along. A glimpse.
Sean sat in the living room when she arrived back at the house shortly after half-past nine.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked, jumping up and walking towards her. ‘You didn’t answer my calls and I was worried. I just got off the phone with your mum.’
Hayley walked past him to the living room and sat down on the sofa. When he followed her and remained standing in the doorway averting his eyes, she spoke first. ‘What happened to us, Sean?’
He ran his fingers through his hair. ‘I … I …’ He took a seat opposite her, elbows on his knees and hands clasped. Hayley thought his face looked full of pain and anxiety, remorse too, perhaps, but she could tell it was also the face of a man who had made up his mind.
‘Honestly?’ he said. ‘We hardly talked about everything that happened. You know, about Tony and … and Ellen.’ He sighed. ‘It was a charade – pretending everything was still normal.’ He paused. ‘But it wasn’t. It isn’t. You’ve been so withdrawn, you hate your job and yet you won’t quit that bloody firm Klingel’s, and I’ve been lonely and –’
‘Is that why you had the affair?’ Hayley said.
Sean’s face fell. ‘Oh shite, Hayley, I’m not blaming you. I’m the one that … who … made that decision.’
Neither of them spoke for a while.
‘I don’t know how to describe it,’ Sean finally said and rubbed his eyes. ‘Sometimes I think we don’t really know each other anymore. There’s a part of your heart that’s off limits, you know?’
Silence descended upon them for a while.
‘I never thought you’d have an affair,’ Hayley finally said. ‘Not in a million years.’
‘Neither did I,’ Sean said, ‘and I’m sorry, really I am. I should have tried harder. I should have fought for us.’
‘I’m sure you tried very hard, Sean,’ Hayley said, ‘I’ve realised I’m very good at keeping people at a distance.’
‘Don’t be so hard on yourself.’
‘I’m sorry about everything,’ Hayley said. ‘I’m sorry about the way I treated you, the way you found out about me going to Chicago. It wasn’t right.’
‘I forgave you for that long ago,’ Sean said, waving his hand. ‘Stop apologising, please.’ He looked away.
‘And you love Melanie? You want to be with her?’ Hayley whispered.
Sean closed his eyes. ‘Don’t do this, Hayley, please.’
‘Answer the question.’
He exhaled softly and opened his eyes. ‘Yes. I want to be with her. I’m sorry. She makes me happy. I … I haven’t been happy for a long time.’ He cleared his throat. ‘If you don’t mind, I’m going to go out for a bit, okay?’ He stood up and walked to the door, stopping to look back at her, his eyes filled with sadness. ‘I’m sorry, Hayley. I’ll sleep on the sofa tonight, okay? We’ll talk tomorrow.’
As Hayley watched Sean walk out of her life for the second time, she felt the ghost of what could have been finally leave too. All that second guessing and those fantasies about how happy they’d be, happier than she was with Rick. She shuddered. Her and Sean’s inability to talk to each other had delivered the fatal blow to their marriage, and it scared the shit out of her.
Have I pulled so far away from Rick that I’m about to lose him? Have I already lost him?
She wanted to talk to him, needed to hear his voice now. Tomorrow seemed so impossibly far away. An idea popped into Hayley’s head. She let out a cry, jumped up and rushed into the office. Within minutes, the computer hummed and Hayley opened up Google.
She found him instantly. There he was, Rick Cooper, partner of an award-winning web-design company in Chicago. She reached out and gently touched his picture on the screen. Heart thumping and breathless with anticipation, Hayley dialled the number. She didn’t have time to chicken out.
‘Rick Cooper.’
Hayley closed her eyes.
Rick.
‘Hi,’ she managed to say. ‘It’s Hayley … uh … Adams.’
‘Hello Hayley, how can I help?’
‘I … I’m calling from a firm in London,’ she said quickly, staring at his photo again, imagining his lips moving as he spoke. ‘We’re looking at … at opening a company in Chicago. We’ll need a local firm to help us with the website.’
‘You’ve come to the right place,’ Rick said. ‘And when you say London, I’m guessing London, England, right?’
‘Right,’ Hayley said. She wished she could reach through the phone and touch his face, feel his skin, kiss him softly.
‘What a coincidence,’ Rick said and laughed quietly. ‘I’m going there in a week.’
‘Really?’ Hayley said. ‘For business?’
‘No a vacation, actually. I’m recently divorced and …’ he stopped and cleared his throat. ‘I don’t know why I just said that.’ He laughed more audibly this time, the warm sound enveloping Hayley like a fuzzy blanket. ‘Anyway … I’m glad you called. I’m not always at the office on a Saturday. Really. I do have a life. I think.’
That made Hayley grin. ‘I’m glad I called too,’ she said.
So very, very glad. I miss you. More than I’ve ever missed you in my entire life.
‘Would you like to meet when I’m over?’ Rick said. ‘I always prefer face-to-face instead of phone or e-mail.’
Hayley beamed. ‘That would be great. And … and perhaps I can show you a few of the sites here? You know, tourist attractions, not websites.’
An audible smile crept into Rick’s voice too. ‘I’d like that, Hayley. Can I send you my contact details so we can arrange something?’
Hayley gave him her e-mail address.
‘Thanks for calling,’ he said. ‘I’m looking forward to meeting you.’
‘Me too,’ Hayley answered and he hung up.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow,’ she whispered and stared at Rick’s picture on the screen, her hands cradling the phone.
After a long time she made her way up to the bedroom and slipped between the sheets, her body exhausted but her thoughts racing, making sleep impossible.
I’ll see Rick, Millie and Danny tomorrow. Tomorrow! I can’t wait.
Tossing and turning, she knew they both had to start taking care of their marriage if it was to survive. As she thought about their relationship, she realised it had been a long time since she’d actually felt she wanted to put in the effort.
I want to put my arms around him, tell him I love him, that I want us to be happy again.
If she was honest, none of her exes had ever measured up to Rick and she’d known it from the beginning. Over the years, she’d let his normal, human quirks morph into what she perceived as shortcomings and failures, and had let them be overpowered by the absolute perfection of her fantasies. Her father was right. Relationships
were
like houses. And she was finally ready to strap on her tool belt.
Please let me go home … and please, please don’t let it be too late.
She rolled onto her side and closed her eyes tight. Then she clicked her heels together three times.
Just in case.