Time After Time (15 page)

One damp and cold December afternoon, six months after Ellen and Mark’s wedding, Hayley and Ellen were sitting in the warmth of
Café Julienne
, just off Oxford Street. They’d been Christmas shopping and had, at last, finished trudging around the cold, damp streets of London, trying to find gifts for family and friends. Ellen had spent forever looking for something for Mark. She wanted to get a special present for their first Christmas as husband and wife, so she’d settled on a sleek silver pen, and had his name engraved on it.

‘What did you get for Matthew again?’ she asked, blowing on her steaming decaf, speckles of froth flying onto the table.

‘The cashmere sweater and gloves,’ Hayley answered. ‘He said the other day he’s lost one of his.’

Ellen looked at her with a funny expression, a combination of a frown and a wrinkled nose.

‘What’s with the look?’

‘A sweater and a pair of gloves?’ Ellen said. ‘Shouldn’t your present be more … well …
significant
?’

‘What do you mean?’ Hayley wriggled uncomfortably in her seat.

‘They’re not very personal presents for someone you’ve been going out with for a year.’

‘I could give him some underwear. That’s pretty personal,’ Hayley answered with a giggle. ‘Maybe some of
my
underwear. Would that meet with your approval?’

‘That’s not what I mean,’ Ellen answered, laughing. ‘You’ve got him practical presents when you should still be at the over-the-top presents stage.’ She paused. ‘Can I ask you something?’

‘Course you can. Anything.’

‘Are you happy with Matthew? I mean,
really
happy?’

‘Define
really
happy,’ Hayley answered. She thought she could tell where the conversation was going and if she was right, it wasn’t a destination she particularly wanted to visit.

‘Do you get goose bumps when you see him?’ asked Ellen. ‘Do you miss him so much sometimes your stomach aches? Do you doodle your name and his surname when you’re speaking to him on the phone?’

‘Struth, Ellen, listen to you. I’m twenty-six, not twelve.’ Hayley laughed. ‘That stuff only happens in films and kitschy romance novels. It doesn’t last.’

Ellen shook her head. ‘It’s not only in books and films and it does last. When Mark was away last week I hated sleeping without him. He phoned me twice that evening and we stayed up talking until one. I felt so knackered the next day I almost gave Mrs. Hutchinson purple hair.’

‘Oh pass me the sick bag,’ Hayley said as she pretended to retch. She didn’t often feel jealous of Mark and Ellen, but sometimes – only sometimes – she couldn’t help it. ‘You can’t still be in the honeymoon phase. That’s impossible after ten years.’

‘No it isn’t,’ Ellen insisted. ‘Not if you’re with the right person.’

‘Well I’ve
never
felt like that with Matthew.’

‘Do you love him?’ Ellen asked, looking serious again.

Hayley shrugged. ‘Yeah, but I’m not necessarily the best judge of that. I thought I loved Chris and Ian and look where that ended up.’

‘It was passion with Chris and infatuation with Ian,’ Ellen said, waving her hand around. ‘Doesn’t count. How do you feel about Matthew?’

She thought for a moment, and then Hayley said, ‘It’s
nice
, it’s
comfortable
.’

‘Jesus, so is my armchair but I don’t want to go out with it,’ Ellen said. ‘Nice and comfortable. Really? Is that the best you can do?’

‘Oh give me a break.’ But Hayley couldn’t help feeling that Ellen had put her finger on something she had been trying to ignore. She sighed. ‘Honestly, he’s a nice guy. On paper, he’s Mr. Right and I really can’t fault him.’

‘So what’s the problem?’

Hayley exhaled loudly. ‘You said yourself that with Chris it was passion, and that’s true. With Ian it was definitely infatuation. Remember the state I was in when he didn’t call? I don’t have any of that with Matthew. No, he doesn’t make me feel all goose bumpy but he doesn’t treat me like shit either.’

Ellen took a sip of her coffee. ‘How’s the sex?’

Hayley looked around, wondering how much the couple at the next table could hear. She lowered her voice. ‘It’s still …’

‘Let me guess,’ Ellen said loudly. ‘Nice and comfortable?’

‘Shh. Stop it. It’s fine.’

But Ellen didn’t seem to be in the mood for backing down. ‘Still not the throw-me-down-rip-my-clothes-off-ravage-me-now type stuff?’

Hayley shook her head. ‘No. I always, you know, come,’ she whispered, ‘but it’s not Mills and Boon.’

Ellen stopped talking for a few seconds. ‘Where do you see your relationship going then?’

‘For crying out loud. What’s with the third degree? You sound like a shrink.’

Ellen stared at her and said nothing.

Hayley shrugged ‘Dunno, okay? We see each other when we want to, we don’t when we don’t. It’s easy. Uncomplicated. And most importantly, I’m not getting my heart stomped on again.’

‘Have you talked about getting married yet?’ Ellen peeled the paper wrapper off her banana muffin and bit off a large chunk.

‘No. We’re still at the getting-to-know-each-other stage.’

Ellen shook her head and swallowed. ‘Nu-uh. Not after a year you’re not. You’re well into serious relationship mode. What about kids? Does he want them?’

Hayley rolled her eyes. ‘I still don’t know if
I
want kids. He’s mentioned he might want them one day, but we’ve never really talked about it in detail.’ She started to squirm in her seat again. ‘Anyway, it’s not like I have to make any decisions, things can continue as they are, you know, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’

Ellen stared at her, shaking her head. ‘Nah, you need to figure out if what you have with Matthew is enough. Otherwise what’s the point? I mean, is he your soulmate?’

‘You know I don’t believe in soulmates,’ Hayley answered before she emptied her coffee cup, stuffing her feelings back into their box and nailing the lid shut. ‘Shall we go?’

*

The next day Hayley went for lunch at her parents’ home with Jackie, Ray and their boys.

‘Where’s Magnificent Matthew?’ Jackie asked as she hugged Hayley.

Hayley laughed. ‘Rowing race.’

‘Bummer. Both Ray and me were looking forward to seeing him. Lucas and Sam too.’ Jackie shrugged. ‘Oh well, at least us two can have a good natter, right?’

‘Yeah,’ Hayley said, hoping that wasn’t code for another discussion about her relationship with Matthew. Ellen and Jackie were as bad as each other.

Once everyone was seated around the table, Ray stood up and tapped his glass with his knife.

‘I have a major announcement,’ he declared in a deeper than usual voice. ‘So I need your undivided attention before we all eat, drink and get very merry.’

Everybody fell silent and he continued. ‘Jackie and I have been at it again –’

‘Ray!’ Jackie said, hiding behind her hands.

Ray laughed. ‘Sorry dear. Anyway, you’re the first to know that baby number three will make an appearance in July.’

They all cheered and Karen rushed to give Jackie a hug. Stan grabbed hold of Ray’s hand and shook it so hard it looked like it might come off. Jackie grinned like a cat on a cream high.

‘Blimey, eh?’ she said to Hayley as the commotion died down. ‘He wouldn’t let me tell you. Said he wanted to make the dramatic announcement this time.’

Hayley giggled. ‘It’s not dramatic, it’s great.’

‘Yeah,’ Jackie said. ‘But three kids! If it’s another boy I’ll bloody kill Ray, I really will.’

Hayley laughed again but wondered if perhaps she
should
figure out where she wanted her relationship with Matthew to go. But then she tucked the nagging questions away at the back of her mind, happy to keep on ignoring them instead. Where was the harm in that?

Hayley showered and dried her hair, put on her make-up and was applying the last coat of mascara when the phone rang. She ran around Matthew’s flat trying to find it, finally locating it in the living room under a cushion.

‘Hello?’

‘Hello, love, how are you? Thought I’d give you a quick call to catch up.’

‘Mum! It’s so good to hear your voice. How are you? How’s Dad?’

‘Oh, fine, fine. He’s having a snooze and I’ll take him out for a walk later. Are you okay? You sound a bit flustered.’

‘I’m fine. You took Dad out? You mean in his wheelchair?’ Hayley held her breath.

‘Yes, love, of course. Anyway, I’m glad it stopped raining overnight so we can get some fresh air and …’

As she listened to her mother speak, Hayley thought back to everything she’d discovered the previous day. They would have known she was a miserable alcoholic. Shame on her for putting them through that while they were dealing with her father’s stroke. Shame on her.

It was a glimpse. It never really happened. As far as they know I’m with Matthew.

But it still made her squirm.

‘I’ve missed you,’ Hayley said suddenly.

‘Oh, well.’ She could hear her mother’s smile through the phone. ‘We’ve missed you too. How’s Matthew?’

‘He’s …’ Hayley thought for a second, ‘He’s great.’ She almost added how good it was to see him. ‘He’s taking me to Antonio’s tonight.’ A smile spread across her face.

‘Oh
really
?’ Karen said. ‘Do you think he’s going to ask you again?’

‘Ask me what?’

‘You know what I mean. I haven’t given up on you two tying the knot yet.’

‘We’re not married?’ Hayley said. She remembered what Mark had said earlier;
As good as.
She scratched her head. ‘We’re not married,’ she repeated, this time as a statement rather than a question.

‘Well, you know how Dad always joked you were trying to break the record for the longest engagement. And before you say anything, I know things with Matthew are fine the way they are but …’ She stopped. ‘Never mind.’

‘No, go on,’ Hayley said. ‘You can tell me.’

‘Really? You usually change the subject.’

That didn’t really surprise Hayley. She often ducked and dived her way out of opening up the Pandora’s Box that contained her feelings. On various occasions Rick had told her gently she needed to let him in more. It was always something she’d found excruciatingly difficult, and she had got better at it, until they’d started fighting so much.

‘Please, Mum,’ she said. ‘I want to know what you think.’

Karen exhaled. ‘Well, first of all let me just say I don’t think a couple has to be married to be happy.’ She paused. ‘But your engagement to Matthew always seemed, well, unenthusiastic, in a way, as if …’ her voice tailed off.

‘As if what, Mum?’

‘As if …’ she took a deep breath, ‘As if you’re waiting for someone better to come along, love.’

Ouch! Seriously? I’m still wondering if this is as good as it gets?

‘I’m sorry, love, I probably shouldn’t have been so blunt,’ Karen said.

‘Honestly,’ Hayley said, ‘I’m glad you were. It’s about time I put things into perspective.’

After the conversation with her mum, Hayley spent more time looking around the rest of the flat. The living room had two dark green fabric sofas and the cushions looked as if they’d mould themselves around her body if she sat down. The furniture seemed neither upmarket nor low end, but tasteful and ideally suited to the apartment.

Hayley recognised one of the pictures on the wall as a Stephen Wiltshire, an autistic painter who drew parts of cities and famous buildings from memory. She thought it fitting for them to have one of his pieces.

As she hunted through a cupboard by the front door, she found two photo albums. The first had OUR MEMORIES written in gold letters on the olive green cover. She opened the album and turned the pages, the opaque protective sheets crinkling under her fingers.

There were pictures of Alan and Susan’s wedding day. They both glowed and beamed, their happiness practically leaping off the pages. The album contained photos of family Christmases too; Matthew and her with her parents, Jackie, Ray and the boys, and some pictures of Matthew’s parents and family.

She picked up the second album labelled OUR DECADE OF ADVENTURES. Leafing through the pages, she marvelled at the scuba-diving trip in Corsica, parasailing in Tunisia, deep-sea fishing off the coast of Argentina, zip-lining in Costa Rica and skiing in Switzerland. There were less exotic trips too, including local kite-surfing and archery expeditions.

Well this isn’t bad at all. It’s exciting. And I bet I’m not an old whinge bag either.

She looked at herself in the photographs, staring at this unfamiliar, smiling and carefree version of herself; a happy person who wanted to take on new challenges, try new things. She’d felt like that a long time ago, before the endless cycle of home – work – home. Hayley thought about her life with Rick. They used to travel, go on day trips and excursions – but she couldn’t remember the last time they’d had fun. These days she was either at the office or in bed trying to catch up on lost sleep.

The doorbell rang and Hayley jumped. She walked over to the door and answered via the intercom.

‘Hello?’

‘It’s Susan. Are you ready for class?’

‘Class?’

‘Yes, kick-boxing. Remember?’

‘Kick-boxing?’ A few seconds ago she’d been thinking she never did anything fun anymore. This was her chance. ‘Great. I’ve always wanted to give that a go.’

‘Okay.’ Susan laughed. ‘Whatever you say. I’ll wait for you downstairs.’

Hayley made a mad dash for the wardrobe and pulled on a pair of yoga trousers, a sports bra and a T-shirt. Then she put on a pair of trainers, grabbed her bag and a jacket, and darted downstairs.

She recognised Susan from the wedding pictures. Her thick blonde curls and sparkling eyes were just the same as in the photos.

‘I’ve been looking forward to this,’ Susan said as they drove to the gym. ‘I’ve been sat on my bum all week. Didn’t even have time to go out for a walk.’

‘Me too,’ Hayley said. The last time she’d set foot in a gym was more than a decade ago. ‘What’s the instructor like?’

Susan puffed out her cheeks. ‘A real hard-nosed bitch. We’re all scared of her.’ She pulled into a parking spot and they made their way to the fitness club called
Believe
. The stationary bikes and treadmills hummed and Hayley could hear the steady clank-clank of weight machines.

‘Hi, Hayley. Hi, Susan,’ the girl behind the juice bar said as they walked by. ‘Wish I could join your class today. Maybe next time.’

Hayley followed Susan to the mirrored studio at the back, which was already crammed full of eager gym goers who greeted them with waves and what appeared to be nervous smiles.

‘I’ll hide at the back,’ Hayley said. ‘If I collapse then ignore me.’

‘You crack me up,’ Susan said. ‘You’d better start.’

‘Start what?’

‘The class, silly. Off you go. Work us like you mean it.’

Hayley stared at her. ‘Hang on. Work
you
… wait …
I’m
the instructor?’

Susan blinked.

‘Ha, ha. I mean, I’m the
instructor
.’

Oh shitty, shit, shit! I can’t do this. No way. Or can I? What did I say about trying things?

She made her way to the podium at the front and looked down at the twenty plus pairs of eyes staring back at her. Chickening out was an option. All she had to do was walk away, and a few days ago she probably would have, but she had something to prove, if only to herself. She hit ‘Play’ on the stereo system and started walking on the spot. She swallowed.

I’ve been remembering all these little bits and pieces. Maybe instinct will kick in.

‘Okay people,’ she shouted. ‘This should be fun.’

The room erupted in ‘whoop-whoops’.

Sod it! They won’t remember any of this after tomorrow anyway … At least I hope not!