Sarah, she had tried her hardest to correct things and get herself
back on the track she was expected to follow. Always on that right
track, because she was a good girl.
God, being a good girl is wearing me out.
Much to her surprise—and for the first time—she felt a little
pellet of anger form in the pit of her stomach and she allowed it to
grow. She realized that the people who had made her rules had, for
Thy Neighbor’s Wife 175
the most part, done so for them and not for her. She remembered
her mother’s anger over Sarah and finally allowed herself to accept
the fact that she wasn’t worried about Jennifer, she was worried
about herself, about her own image. She was terrified of what peo-
ple would think of her, not her daughter. At that moment, Jennifer
realized the full impact of the selfishness with which her mother
had acted. The pain was nauseating.
Dawn had done the same thing. And Kayla. And Eric at the
time. Even Sarah, to a certain extent, for there was a part of Jenni-
fer that would always feel that Sarah didn’t try hard enough to hold
onto her. She was so busy rejoicing in her newfound sexuality that
she didn’t have the time to try to help Jennifer out of the closet. She
let me stay there and she watched as my mother slammed the door
and nailed boards over it.
She took a deep breath and tried to force herself to relax,
knowing the bitterness would get her nowhere. Soon, the anger
ebbed, making way for the emotion to return. Jennifer couldn’t
decide which was worse, being pissed off or crying her eyes out. She
told herself that the past was the past and there wasn’t a damn thing
she could do to change it now. All I can change is the future. All I
can change is the future. All I can change is the future.
She was still chanting that mantra in her head when she heard
footsteps scuffing through the dew-covered grass and looked up to
see Alex leading Kinsey on a leash. It was almost dark, and Jennifer
couldn’t make out the expression on her lover’s face. Her heart
began to hammer. She was perilously close to the edge; if this was
going to be an emotional discussion, she didn’t know if she’d sur-
vive.
“Hi,” Alex said softly, as if not wanting to disturb the peaceful-
ness of the twilight. She perched on the rock wall next to the chair.
Kinsey’s tail wagged rapidly and he put his wet front paws up on
Jennifer’s knee. Waves of affection washed over her and she bent
forward, allowing him to lavish kisses on her face.
“Hi,” she replied, her attention still on the dog.
They sat quietly.
“How did things go?” Alex asked finally, her voice tinged with
apprehension.
That worried quality alone was enough to start Jennifer’s tears
all over again. She let them fall silently for as long as she could
before a sob managed to work its way up and out. Alex blinked at
her and swallowed, her heart breaking at the sight and at the impli-
cation. She wasn’t sure if her physical presence would be welcomed,
but she decided to chance it. She scooted over and sat next to Jenni-
fer, putting an arm gently around her. “Oh, sweetie. It’s okay.
Everything will be okay.”
176 Georgia Beers
Jennifer was so relieved at the contact. She could hold nothing
in any longer. All the emotion came pouring out in great, wracking
sobs. She cried in Alex’s arms, Alex rocking her gently, murmuring
words of comfort, kissing the blonde head, trying to reassure her,
all the while feeling the acute sense of loss settling in on her.
It was a long time before Jennifer’s sobs subsided. Still, Alex
held her, stroking her head. When Jennifer finally spoke, her voice
cracked, her throat raw from crying.
“Do you think we can do this?”
“You and Eric? If you love each other, sure.”
Jennifer lifted her head and blinked at Alex. “Me and Eric?”
Alex blinked back at her. “Isn’t that what you meant?”
“You think Eric and I are back together?”
“I…kind of assumed, yeah.”
“Why? Why would you assume that?”
“I don’t know. I just…you were so upset. I thought maybe
you…didn’t know how to tell me.”
Annoyance replaced the emotion in Jennifer’s gut. She sat up
straight and looked Alex square in the eye. “Alex, do you love me?”
There it was. Point blank. The big question. Alex swallowed
hard, feeling like she was frozen in time.
“Do you?” Jennifer asked again.
Alex heard Nikki’s voice in her head. If this is what you want,
make it work.
“Yes.” Her voice was barely a whisper. “More than you know.”
“God, you’re so insecure,” Jennifer said, her voice filled with a
combination of frustration and pity. “Why? Is it because your
friends disapprove of me? You are a wonderful, amazing, sexy
woman, Alex. Why did you automatically assume I’d choose to go
back to Eric?”
Suddenly Alex knew it was time—time to make a decision. She
decided then and there that this was the moment. For the first time
in her life, she forced herself to be completely, utterly honest. She
was terrified of the consequences, but she knew she had to let Jenni-
fer in on everything she was thinking, feeling, and petrified of. She
took a deep breath. “Jennifer, I…I know how hard this is for you. I
know how scary it is to embrace an alternative lifestyle. I know
what it feels like to disappoint your mother and get weird looks
from people that you thought were your friends. I don’t want that
for you.
“You’re right. I’m terribly insecure. It’s a problem I’ve had all
my life and much as I’d like to blame it on my mother, I’m learning
that it’s as much my fault as it is hers.” She studied her hands for
several minutes. “I was sure Nikki would end up leaving me, that
she’d figure out I was a big fraud and she’d leave. So, I left her first.
Thy Neighbor’s Wife 177
She never really understood, but she does now. I did the same thing
to my first girlfriend. And my second. None of them ever picked up
on my pattern; how could they?” She looked up at Jennifer, who
was watching and listening intently. “But then you came along and
you saw right through me. Just like that. Do you know you’re the
only person who ever gave me shit about leaving my job? The only
one. I think Jackie and Rita just know me too well and it didn’t sur-
prise them that I gave up without a fight. But you didn’t get it and
you called me on it. You were right. You couldn’t understand why
I’m gay, but only write about straight people and you called me on
that, too. And you were right again.”
Jennifer felt a lump forming in her throat at the soft gratitude
in Alex’s voice. Alex reached for her hand and played with her fin-
gers as she continued to pour out her heart.
“Yes, my friends are worried about me. They aren’t thrilled
about our pairing. For all intents and purposes, you’re a straight
girl in their eyes. Straight girls only hurt the gay girls that fall for
them. It’s standard operating procedure.” She winked and Jennifer
grinned. “They’re just looking out for me and I get that. I appreci-
ate it.” Her voice softened considerably. “But it doesn’t change the
way I feel, Jennifer. All their warnings and speeches don’t make a
damn bit of difference to my heart. I’m terrified that they’re right.
It scares the hell out of me that you’ve gone from Eric to me in a flash and I really want to tell you that you need to be on your own
for a while, that you should take some time away from me to sort
things out in your head. I really want to tell you that. But I can’t. I
love you so much and I’m so afraid of losing you. I know how self-
ish that is, but I can’t help it.”
Tandem tears were coursing down the cheeks of both women.
Jennifer wanted to speak, but her throat had closed up on her. She
was sure she couldn’t possibly have more crying to do, but she was
mistaken. She wrapped her arms around Alex’s neck and held her
tightly.
“I love you, Alex,” she whispered. “We need to work on your
insecurities. I want to help.”
Alex tightened her hold, relief washing through her entire
body. “I’ve already decided on a big step.”
“Yeah?” Jennifer pulled back to look at her. “What’s that?”
“I’m going to call my old principal tomorrow, see if there’s
anything—even part time—available.” She sighed. “I miss teaching,
Jennifer.”
Jennifer hugged her again, her excitement contagious. “Alex,
that’s great! I’m so proud of you.” She was quiet, holding tightly to
her lover. Then she spoke softly. “I know this won’t be easy. As a
matter of fact, I’m certain that it will be very hard much of the time.
178 Georgia Beers
There will be lots of bumps and I can guarantee that I won’t handle
all of them well. It’s going to be a rough ride for a while, but there’s
nobody I’d rather take it with than you.”
Alex pulled back to look Jennifer in the eye. “You’re sure?”
Jennifer nodded.
“What about Eric?” Alex nibbled her bottom lip.
“Eric and I talked. We understand each other. I’ll go see a law-
yer tomorrow. It was much more amicable than I’d expected.” She
focused on Alex’s mouth, a pang hitting her low in her belly. “And
stop doing that with your lip or I won’t be held responsible for my
actions.”
Alex grinned. “I certainly won’t hold you responsible.”
Jennifer leaned forward and kissed Alex softly. “Then follow
me inside…”
Chapter
Eighteen
The snowflakes were falling softly to the ground. There hadn’t
been a good covering yet, just a dusting or two, but it was only early
December. We never get off that easy around here, Alex thought.
We’re in for it; we just don’t know when.
Despite the fact that there was very little snow, it was down-
right frigid as Alex sat in her car with the engine running, the heat
blasting on her feet as she waited for Jennifer to do her thing. She
blew on her icy hands, which had her fingers crossed inside her mit-
tens. She knew Jennifer was nervous, but Alex had a good feeling.
After talking about it for weeks, Jennifer had actually worked
up the nerve to have more than a superficial conversation with the
Daisy Woman. That’s how the two lovers referred to the mysterious
woman in the cemetery until they finally learned that her name was
Carol. Jennifer had told Alex the story of how she’d run into Carol
that first time at the cemetery and watched as she’d put fresh daisies
on Jennifer’s dad’s grave. She told Alex of her theory, that her
father had had an affair with the woman and how she was just itch-
ing to find out more. She wisely waited until she’d worked through
her own anger and demons about her father’s infidelity. She’d used
her relationship with Eric and her attraction to Alex as a compari-
son, finally understanding how what her father did could happen,
and finally able to let her anger with him go.
Alex remembered the day Jennifer actually spoke to Carol for
longer than sixty seconds, actually had a mini conversation. She
was giddy. She’d come home so high and excited, it made Alex
smile just to watch her animated retelling of the conversation. She’d
come clean to Carol right away, which was a relief to Alex. She’d
been afraid that Jennifer wouldn’t tell the woman exactly who she
was and that would only be hurtful down the line. They’d only spo-
ken a little bit; it was obviously quite awkward for both of them, but
Jennifer said she’d felt a real connection, like Carol was somebody
with whom she could be friends. Good friends.
180 Georgia Beers
It took a while for them to trust one another. They still only
talked at the cemetery, but Jennifer was about to take a big step. As
Alex waited in the car on that Saturday morning in December in the
cemetery parking lot, Jennifer was going to invite Carol to Christ-
mas dinner with them.
“She doesn’t have anybody,” Jennifer had said sadly to Alex,
earlier in the week. “She’s going to be alone on Christmas. That’s
just wrong.”
“You don’t have to convince me, baby. I think it’s a great idea.”
“You’re sure? You don’t feel like it will be an intrusion on our
day together?”
“Christmas is for sharing. You’re right. Nobody should be
alone. Invite her. It’ll be great.”
They were each feeling the sting of rejection by their own fami-
lies, made more painful by the approach of the holidays. Jennifer’s
mother had completely cut her off. Alex wasn’t speaking to hers.
Neither mother could handle the relationship of their daughters and
both made it about them. Alex slumped down in her seat and
thought back on the last three and a half months.
Leona Foster was flabbergasted that her daughter would have
the nerve to return to the same school where everybody knew she
was a lesbian—Alex could almost hear her voice as she sneered the
word in a harsh whisper. She’d called to admonish Alex, make her
understand how humiliating it would be, and though Alex could
feel the pellets of guilt developing in the pit of her stomach as they