Thorne (Random Romance) (33 page)

Thorne

There were six Jarls and they stood to take my orders. Goran was to remain my second, the mountain’s Hersir – in charge while I was away.

‘Wait for me,’ I told them. ‘I will return for you. And then I will lead you south to war.’

Eyes filled with hunger. Beasts at their surface, aching for battle.

I lifted Finn into my arms. Her hair had faded and was now closer to white.

‘We will bury her for you,’ one of my men said.

‘No. I will take her to the sea.’ My Salt Girl.

I bid them farewell, and then I carried her out into the ice.

I walked with her in my arms for a day. I didn’t stop for food or water. And as night fell the wolves came. I heard them howling to the moon, their mournful cries the very sound of my own lonely heart. Soon their bays drew closer and I knew they were circling us.

A note of despair struck me. I needed to at least survive long enough to let her body rest at sea, but I didn’t have anything left in me to fight them – I didn’t
want
to fight.

Sadly I prepared myself, but as the wolves crept close enough for me to see their glowing eyes in the darkness, they did not attack.

They moved to my side and sank to the ice, and then they pressed their bodies around Finn and me, wanting to keep us warm during the night.

The moment built inside me, swelling to an unbearable ache. For the beauty in the world. For the loss.

I buried my face in the white fur of a wolf, and I wept.

Finn

Somewhere between life and death there were screams.

I was trapped within them. They’d been coming for me for years, since the night I was twice-born. Fear became a new reality. Timeless, weightless fear within this endless existence of screams.

I couldn’t get out.

I screamed, but I couldn’t hear myself over the others.

I sobbed and begged and moaned but none of it made a difference. There was nothing solid or quantifiable. Just fear.

And then, through it all, came my brother.

Jonah stood within the cacophony and he smiled. My soul swelled with the sudden existence of love, here in this gloom.

‘Time to go home, Inney,’ he told me gently.

A sob of relief. Followed too quickly by reality. ‘How?’

His eyes shifted to my yellow. He was so full of love. Had always been so full of love. Where did he find the capacity for it?

‘Take mine,’ Jonah said.
My life.

Tears spilled down my face. ‘Oh, Jone.’ I didn’t expect us to be able to touch, but we could. He gathered me into his arms.

‘He will need you. I’m not needed by anyone.’

‘Untrue.’ Vastly, immeasurably untrue. I looked into his face. ‘Hear this. I would rather an eternity of torture than to take your place and condemn you to this. Nothing in life or death could make me do that to you.’

His eyes filled with tears. ‘It’s my job, Inney. I’m your brother. It’s what I was made for.’

My heart clenched in agony. ‘No.
No
. You were made for a big, brilliant life, full of joy and love and laughter. You were not made to share your life with me. Keep it to yourself now, and enjoy every minute of it. It is
yours
.’

‘I’ll miss you every second of every day,’ he whispered.

‘I know. I love you.’

We held each other for a time, and then I allowed the bond between us to sever and dissolve, setting him free of me at long last.

Jonah vanished and I was alone again.

No, not alone. Surrounded.

It occurred to me that these were people. People who had once lived in my world, had lived lives of their own, just as difficult and lovely as mine. Instead of giving in to my fear, I tried to shift it for a moment. I tried to listen to the screams and hear them for what they were. And that was when I knew that there was no reason to be frightened of the dead.

Because they were trying to tell me something.

You decide how strong you will be. And you decide what fate you will have.

Thorne

I woke from nightmares so thick and heavy I thought I would drown in them. I had been carrying Finn for over a week now. The sun was brilliant and so bright as it bounced off the ice around me. The end to it drew nearer. I shielded my eyes, allowing the dream to linger in my mind, despite the despair it left.

Screaming. Within which was something … I strained my memory, trying to grasp it –

You decide how strong you will be. And you decide what fate you will have.

I blinked, sitting up. The words thundered around inside me, again and again. I thought of all that had led us here. Prophecies and dreams. Words of people we didn’t know, leading us here, to Finn’s death.

One of you will die.

And suddenly it was not enough. I was not content to allow that to be
the way of the world. Or at least of my life. No one
told
us to die and then expected us to just roll over and do it.

I looked at Finn’s face, lifeless and blue with cold. She’d been gone a long time. But the truth was still there inside me. The reason I was still alive. Our bond endured, somehow. I had not let it go, not allowed it to sever.

‘I refuse for our lives to be decided by prophecy,’ I told her. ‘I will decide my own fate.’

And saying so, I felt the bond and I pulled on it. Pulled on all the threads that bound the two of us together. In my blood was the power to break this bond, and every bond in the world. But Eanna had told me that I also bore the power to change the bond, to strengthen it.

So that was what I did.

I put all of my newfound strength into it, thanking my father as I did so, because it was he, in the end, who had allowed me to find this strength. I made the bond between Finn and I the strongest thing in the world, a thing bound by iron and shadows, by gold and black and red. I made it from all of my light and all of her darkness. I made it from both of our ghosts and all the paths that had been laid out before us. And I was able to do this because I was more than just a man or a beast now; I was man
and
beast, both together, finally at peace with my own soul.

Once before Finn had been brought back from death. And I did not think it was only because her mother was a warder. I thought it was because no one in the world had loved Finn as much as her ma had, and it was that immeasurable love that had drawn her daughter back into the world.

‘Finn,’ I whispered. ‘I will carry some of your burdens and you will carry some of mine. I need you to help me be strong. I need you to help me stop the falling of the world.’

That was why Agathon made the bond in the beginning. Because he understood that sometimes life was too heavy a burden to carry alone, and he
wanted us to be able to share it. I saw how beautiful such a bond was, in its essence. I saw not the destruction of it. Not the death of it. But the love it allowed, the life it gave birth to.

I knew I would never wish it gone from the world, even if it meant the end of us both one day. And I would spend my life helping people to survive it, to understand that they could, that they had enough strength to do so – they just didn’t know it yet. Just as my father had done for me, I would fight to help people see the truth of their own strength.

A great bloom of joy-sorrow-pain-pleasure-ecstasy-grief-regret-laughter overflowed my heart and I knew a pure moment of understanding for how she lived her life with a soul too big for her – for how she carried so much emotion, all the time – and when I opened my eyes it was to see Finn looking up at me, her gaze golden.

I cried as I held her. She stroked my hair and laughed at me, at my tears. ‘My big soft beast,’ she murmured. ‘You took your time.’

‘Forgive me.’

‘Only if you promise me now that we will never again speak of the end of this bond. We leave things as they are. I would not be parted from you for all the world.’

I smiled. ‘I was thinking the very same thing.’

I kissed her, tasting salt on her lips.

Finn

Sometimes, if I was tired or sad, I still heard the screams. But they were softer now, and they did not frighten me. They were a whispered reminder of how truly lucky I was to have been gifted with three births, instead of only one. Three births, and each forged from deepest love.

If in moments of weakness the old darkness shrouded me, I had only to look at my husband and feel our shared strength cast it off.

He was different, my Thorne. The ice had changed him, as it had done his da. I grieved secretly for the gentle child he’d been. He was colder sometimes, without meaning to be. But he was also capable of more love, more generosity. And that was the way of the world and all that it did to us. It marched on with or without us, forcing us to grow and change and adapt. It asked us to become more, or perish.

Thorne had become more. He stood taller. Understood his place with a simple awareness of necessity. He understood himself too – was not frightened of all that he was capable of. He was not frightened to be strong. He’d made peace with the beast, and with the ghost. Which meant he was less conflicted, a little older, a little wiser, a great deal sadder.

But that was why he had me. For laughter.

I knew the truth now. A soul only bonded with its other half if it needed help to carry the weight of its life. I saw no shame in it anymore; I was learning to take pleasure in giving and receiving help, in the sweet tenderness of gentility instead of the cold distance I had worn as armour for so many years. If Thorne had moments of detachment, then I now had moments of purest warmth. We’d found a way to stay balanced.

It was this balance – this love – that had saved my life when we
returned from the ice to find that my country had been conquered by the true monsters in this world: warders with corrupted hearts and violent ambitions. It was what saved me when I learnt that the Empress had been slain and the Emperor had fled to hide in the Pirenti fortress where lived his cousin, Queen Ava.

And it was what saved me, finally, when I learnt that Jonah and Penn had been trapped and left within the walls of Sancia, a city now belonging to our enemies. We knew not if they were alive or dead, and I had no bond with him anymore to be able to tell.

I barely knew how to contain the tragedy of this in my heart. I struggled with it every day, and the only thing that helped me to wake up in the morning was Thorne’s promise that we would save them, that we would take back the city and find my family. I believed him – everyone did, because when he spoke now there was a rousing and ferocious passion in him, and you believed when he made a promise: that was the kind of man he’d become. I was proud, I was so proud.

My awareness of myself was more complicated. I still had a long way to come, a great deal to learn. But I had finally begun to understand that a soul could not be too big for a body. Not if you made room for it. Not if you had the courage to become bigger, to become more, to make within yourself enough space to carry all the love and the grief the world could possibly fit within you. I tried to do so every day – and I would keep trying with dogged determination – because I needed to be strong enough and brave enough to save my brother.

One of the hardest days of my life, to date, was the day my da arrived. He was one of the few to be rescued in time from Limontae and brought to the safety of the cold northern fortress. He was so weak they’d put him on a stretcher to travel, and I had to hold myself very still as I watched him being
carried inside the stone building.

I sat by his bed, bathing his forehead with cold washcloths, and I both longed for and feared the moment he would wake and I would have to tell him.

Late one night I sat with Thorne beside Da’s bed, telling them a story. ‘… and with one fell swoop –’

‘We could end it,’ Thorne said suddenly.

‘What?’ I asked, irritated to be interrupted. But when I followed his eyes I realised he was looking at Da, and there was a lurch in my chest because I knew what he meant.

I closed my eyes, my whole body aching. We could end the bond and save Da. Thorne was willing to do this, despite the fact that we had vowed to each other to protect it for everyone in Kaya.

‘Sometimes, Thorne of Araan,’ I said softly, ‘you are just too much.’

He smiled sadly and I kissed him.

That was when Da stirred and we both lurched to his side. ‘Da?’

Alexi’s eyes opened and he smiled wearily. ‘My clever, clever girl,’ he murmured, reaching for my face. ‘Where have you been?’

My chest tightened. ‘I went to break the bond so that you would live. But …’ I felt Thorne’s hand on my spine, making circles that reminded me how to breathe. ‘I couldn’t. We can’t. I mean, we
can
. But we won’t.’

Da frowned, looking at me more clearly. ‘My darling,’ he said. ‘That’s as it should be. Let me go.’

‘What? No –’

‘Finn,’ he said. ‘I want to go. Let me go.’

A sob welled out of my body and I fell over his chest, holding him as tightly as I could. ‘
No
.’

‘Finn, stand up,’ a firm voice said from the doorway.

I looked over my shoulder to see Ava. She wore a hard expression, and
her eyes were an incredible shade of yellow that I realised, with a deep shock, was my colour.

Thorne helped me rise and pulled me back. I didn’t know what was going on, but I watched, too heartsick to be able to speak anyway.

Ava moved to the bed and she looked down at Alexi. Her spine was iron; every time I saw her I was impressed anew by who she was.

‘When did your mate die?’ she asked Da.

He grimaced as though the very thought hurt, as I was sure it did. ‘Six years ago.’

‘Then you are very, very strong,’ Ava, Queen of Pirenti told him. ‘Why did you live, Alexi?’

I watched a tear slide from his eye. ‘For my children.’

Thorne caught me, held me against his body.

‘Good,’ Ava said bluntly. ‘Have your children died?’

He looked confused. ‘No.’

‘Then you still have two children.’

‘Yes.’

‘Why would you die now?’

There was silence. What in Gods’ names was she doing? It wasn’t as though he was
choosing
this nightmare that sapped him of his strength more every day.

‘Ava, he’s not –’

‘Quiet,’ she ordered me flatly, without a single glance my way. To Alexi she said, ‘Your son is trapped in a city ruled by enemy warders who have been killing their hostages.’

An eruption of horror in my hands and teeth. Thorne moved his mouth to my ear and whispered, ‘Strong, girl. Be strong.’

So I made myself strong. And I listened. As the half-walker Queen saved my da’s life with nothing more than words.

‘How dare you die when your children need you more than they have ever needed you?’ she asked him.

Alexi gazed up at her, and there were still tears slipping from his eyes, but he was listening.

‘Sit up,’ Ava ordered. ‘
Now
.’

Alexi struggled, and I tried to go to him but Thorne the traitor held me back. Da managed to get himself to a sitting position.

‘On your feet,’ Ava ordered next.

‘He can’t!’ I cried.

‘He can, actually,’ Ava replied. ‘Alexi. Stand up. It’s easy.’

I watched my da trembling, weak and weary and sick of life. But he got to his feet and stood straight before the Queen.

She moved closer, and I watched as she looked into Da’s eyes. ‘What was her name?’

His eyes fell shut and I saw his shoulders sag. ‘Lillian,’ Da said.

‘Did she make you strong?’

He gave a soft laugh, like a breath of air. ‘Of course she did. But she was far stronger than I.’

Ava smiled, and it was sunlight in the night. ‘Her strength is yours now. Did you know that? It is. As is her courage. I bet she was very brave. I know she died to save your daughter, and sacrifice is the bravest thing, and the most everlasting. That’s yours too now, because your bond never broke.’

‘It’s gone,’ he whispered.

‘It’s not,’ Ava said, and suddenly she was fierce. ‘It’s part of you, and it’s making you the strongest person in this world. It’s making you strong enough to live for your children, and strong enough to help us get your son back.’

I could feel Thorne’s heart beating against my back. I turned my head towards him and he pressed his lips to my cheek.

‘Do you want to know a secret?’ Ava asked Alexi softly. ‘It’s simple. The people in your life make it so that when you think of the bond and your mate you will feel only the strength and the courage Lillian gave to you, and you will know that all this pain and death is just an illusion. Live, choose to live, and you will. That’s the secret. It’s easy.’

I watched Da’s eyes fall shut, and then I watched his shoulders straighten and I watched as he looked at the Queen, and I recognised a look in his eyes that I had not seen there for many years. A look I had not seen since before Ma. It was the look I imagined him wearing as he carried those fish through the baths, a look of complete certainty in who and what he was.

‘I’m getting my son back,’ was what he said.

And Ava smiled.

I followed her outside, overwrought. ‘Majesty,’ I called, and she stopped on the stone staircase. She returned to the step above mine, and I looked up at her violet eyes and wolf scar. I thought I understood now why people branded themselves with that mark, ugly as it was. It was her strength they were honouring.

‘Is it really all an illusion?’ I asked.

Ava smiled, that damned smile that I would probably die for if she asked me to. ‘I’ve heard it said that you’re the cleverest girl in Limontae,’ she told me. ‘What do you think?’

‘I don’t think it’s an illusion at all. But I think you are a goddess in disguise.’

She laughed. And then the Queen of Pirenti reached down to kiss me on the cheek, and I felt the truth, I knew all the secrets of her heart, and I loved her even more.

Thorne found me standing there in that same spot on the steps. ‘The miracle
of Ava of Orion.’

I smiled, reaching to touch his fingers where they rested on the railing.

‘I want us to make a vow,’ he said. ‘Every single thing that I believe about life and death and love goes into this vow.’

‘No pressure then.’

He levelled me with a stern look. ‘Are you paying attention?’

‘Yes, my darling, you have every scrap of attention I have ever possessed.’

He said simply, ‘If one of us dies, the other lives.’

‘Thorne.’ My eyes shifted gold and I shook my head. ‘No.’ Because in all probability he would be the first to die. We both knew that, him being the walking target he was. So it was very easy for him to say. But I could not live with him dead. I couldn’t.

‘Finn.’ Then the bastard said, ‘
I have no desire to live in a world where a man or woman cannot be themselves, wholly themselves, on their own. I defy the idea that I can’t be me without someone else to help
.’

‘Oh, shut up,’ I snapped. I shook my head, turning away from him. ‘If it were me?’ I demanded. ‘If you thought it would be me. How would you agree?’

‘For you. So our bond could live on like Alexi and Lillian’s.’

I looked at him. My shoulders sagged for the truth of it. We couldn’t possibly know what would happen. I could die first, for a million different reasons. And if I died first, then I wanted him to live, more than I wanted anything.

So I said, ‘Okay. Yes. But only because when I die I want you to carry me around everywhere with you. In an urn. Or, actually, no – you have to have my body stuffed and mounted in your bedroom, so if you ever wish to move on you’ll feel too guilty and won’t be able to go through with it.’

He erupted into laughter. ‘You are a very, very strange person.’ Thorne
climbed up onto my step and pulled me into his arms. ‘Do you know what I foretell will happen?’

‘I thought you hated knowing the future.’

‘I foretell that we will grow old together, and die as one in our sleep when we’re ninety-nine years old.’

I groaned. ‘That sounds boring.’

Thorne smiled. ‘I can smell when you’re lying.’

Thorne

The people of Kaya died in pairs. So did a rare few from Pirenti. We were learning, day by passing day, how very much the same we all were.

But maybe, now, we didn’t need to die in pairs.

We all came to live in the fortress together. Finn’s da Alexi had been rescued before the warder rule could properly take hold. Ma moved in and looked after him every day, her physician’s skills making all the difference to his returning strength, particularly after Ava’s rousing speech. Rose was teaching Finn those skills, I knew, and was pleased with my wife’s progress.

Sometimes I caught them together reciting names of herbs and remedies, and they would glare at me until I left, as if it were secret women’s business.

Falco came to live with us, and I spent as much time with him as I could, seeing all too clearly how impotent he felt as a dethroned ruler, a displaced man without his people. The Kayan Emperor was so broken that I imagined us all to be waiting for him to crack. Surprisingly enough, it was Ella and Sadie who comforted him the most – he was often found seeking out their company, and entering into all sorts of strange projects with them. I once caught the three of them building enormous wooden wings, and shuddered to think what Ambrose would do when he found out.

Osric joined us, and was integral to our plans. He walked the forest with me, teasing me for what he called my ‘beastliness’.

It was true though – I had changed. I felt wilder, more animal. My beast and I were one, because I understood him now. He did not make me kill; he made me strong enough to survive when I had to.

Some days I found it hard to find my way back to my human life, because the hunt called to me day and night. But I did it, every time, and would do so for the rest of my life, because waiting there for me was Finn. My Wild Girl. The perfect answer to all that I was. Love in the dark. A woman who somehow accepted every piece of me, whether it was broken or whole.