Thinking Straight (34 page)

“Christ, Charles…” I don't know what to say to that.

Nate hands the article back to me. “Do I want to know where you got this?” Which I take to mean, can you tell me in front of Charles?

I grin at him. “Nope.” I hand it to Charles. “Do you want to keep this? If you do, find a good hiding place. Like under the inner sole of your shoe.”

Bless his heart, he takes a shoe off and does just that. He's redoing his laces when we hear noises in the hall. I say, “They're coming to talk to me.”

And I'm right. But when they open the door and ask for me, I suggest we go someplace else so Charles can rest. Mrs. Harnett is with them, and she says they want to talk with him, too. So I guess the word is really out. But they don't want us both together.

“Can you talk to him first, so then he can rest?”

Mrs. Harnett smiles and sort of shakes her head. “Taylor, shouldn't you be the one to rest?”

“No. I'm okay. Sean came in before anything could happen.”

So they go off with Charles, and Nate and I have a little time to talk. I'm telling him about Will appearing on Sunday afternoon to give me kisses and paper (the article, of course) when we hear someone else approaching. It's past lights-out by now; who can that be?

It's Strickland. Nate and I are on our feet in a flash. Now, I can't see my own face, so I don't really know how bad I look, but Strickland looks worse. I'm sure of it.

“Brother Taylor, I'm here to apologize to you. I'll apologize to Charles as well. I've already spoken to Sean.”

“Will he be okay? Can he stay here?”

“Yes. He has no worries on that score. But I've let all of you down. I've put someone in charge of your spiritual guidance who is a scion of the devil.”

He stops, like he's waiting for me to say something. So I do. “I accept that apology. Maybe you couldn't have known about him. But you owe me another one. One that's just as important.”

Nate looks at me like I'm crazy, but I just stand there waiting. I'm not afraid of Strickland. Finally he says, “What apology is that?”

“I know you'd rather see me kill myself than be who God made me. I want an apology for that. I want repentance for that. And then maybe I'll forgive you.”

He sways a little and grabs hold of the door frame. He's scowling at me, and I can tell he's trying to be impressive. He says, “Better your body die than your spirit!”

“You're limiting God.”

“What?”

“Even if God wants me to be straight, he's not going to give up on my spirit. My will to be who I am is not stronger than God's love for me.” There's so much more to say, but most of it would just wash off this guy's back. But I can't resist just a little more. “You want us dead? Well, that's what happened to Ray. Let's say he did kill himself. Is that what God wanted? Was God so determined to see Ray in hell that he made him gay just to see which sin would get him there faster?”

Strickland is kind of sputtering at this point. I'm feeling bolder by the second. So I go on. “Do you repent, Dr. Strickland? Or do you persist in trying to second-guess God Almighty?”

I'm not sure whether he can't think of anything to say or doesn't think it's worth wasting his breath on a soul as lost as mine. Whichever, he turns and leaves.

Nate is looking at me, his expression somewhere between amused and amazed. I shrug and say, “You know, I never used to talk like this. Not before I came here.”

Nate smiles and shakes his head. “You sure told him.”

“It's funny, you know? Nearly dying does a lot to put things into perspective for you. Dr. Strickland is just another sinner to me now. Just another person on earth. Just as easily misled as anyone else.” And then I realize I've tested him. Strickland. The arrogance versus self-confidence thing? He's arrogant. I've proven it.

I heave a huge sigh, walk to my bed, and fall onto it, shoes and all. I'm completely exhausted and oddly exhilarated. Nate falls onto Charles's bed, and we just lie there like that until Mrs. Harnett and the police bring Charles back and say they're ready for me. Nate says he'll stay with Charles until I get back and then he'll go talk to Leland. I don't even know what time it is. I don't care. This is one night I'll never, ever forget, and in a funny kind of way I want to experience every minute of it.

I
n the morning there's a lot of scurrying around by people like John and Nate and Jeffrey to make sure everyone is in the dining hall at breakfast time for an announcement. I'm sitting with Leland and Dave and Charles, practically falling onto my plate with exhaustion, when Mrs. Harnett comes in and claps her hands for attention. She gets it pretty quickly.

“Many of you have already heard that Reverend Bartle has been arrested. You will not see him on our campus again. Dr. Strickland is accepting personal responsibility for Reverend Bartle's crimes, and he has resigned his position. Before he leaves, he will be assisting in the task, which is already underway, of notifying your families of what has happened.” She takes a breath and looks around, taking all of us in. Then she continues.

“I have been asked to assume the director's position that Dr. Strickland is vacating. Because this will take so much of my time, and because this current situation is so delicate, I will not be able to lead my assigned group any longer. This position, with its honor and its responsibility, is hereby assigned to John McAndrews.”

There's a bit of a rumble. Most kids really like him. I like him, myself, or I would if he'd just get his act together on the gay issue.

“Each of you should check your mailbox after ten o'clock this morning. Your assignment leaders will release you in pairs to do this. You will find a notice about an individual meeting time with your own group leader to answer any questions you may have about these developments. Those of you who are in SafeZone are hereby relieved of that restriction until further notice, given the unusual circumstances.

“I'm sure you have many questions. I would if I were in your position. However, I ask that you hold them until your individual meetings, where you can be sure to receive complete information that is pertinent to you specifically. For now, I ask that when you leave this room, you go to your assignments as quietly as possible and with as little speculation as possible. We will make every effort to respond to your questions during your meeting. Until then, anything is gossip. Let us bow our heads.”

Everyone does.

“Almighty God, we ask that you have mercy on Reverend Bartle, that you reach into his soul and help him understand that what he has done is not worthy of him. Help him cast away the darkness of Satan and return to your light. We ask that you comfort Dr. Strickland and help him see that his role of supporting Reverend Bartle's errors was unintentional, that it was done in ignorance. Help him to gain insight so that he cannot again be complicit in Satan's schemes.

“I ask that you be with each of the children here, that you help them to trust in the triumph of your love, in the protection you offer from evil. And I ask that you guide me in every step I take, in every word I utter. Help me to lead in ways that increase understanding and acceptance, that bring everyone entrusted to my care closer to you.

“Amen.”

 

The kitchen is nearly silent. John isn't there; he must be off working with Mrs. Harnett to make all the arrangements for meetings, maybe calling parents. There's a girl in charge—young woman, I guess—I haven't met before. Her name is Dorothy, and she must have been in charge of kitchen detail in the past 'cause she takes over smoothly. I'm just managing to stand up and get my carrots chopped. No sleep for me last night, that's for sure.

At lunch I look for Charles and don't see him, so I wait until he gets there. We sit with Leland and Rick, John's old groupie, who seems a little lost. Conversation all around the room is nonstop but quiet. Charles and I know too much, and so does Leland, so we can't really talk with Rick there. Maybe we wouldn't have anyway; what's left to say?

Nate's nowhere to be seen. John, same thing. They're either going without food, or they're having it brought to them. I suppose it's possible Nate's helping to make phone calls. I wonder who's calling my folks. I wonder what they'll be told. “Your son was nearly raped and murdered last night. He's got four and a half more weeks here….”

I'm expecting my private meeting to be with John, since he's my new group leader. And my note says to see him at four fifteen. But before that, I'm to see Mrs. Harnett at four. Charles, too, has a meeting with Mrs. Harnett. His is at two forty-five. He doesn't have a note about meeting with John, and we look at each other, wondering what that means. We agree to meet in the room before dinner to compare notes.

I'm nearly comatose by four o'clock, but I make my way to Mrs. Harnett's office. The door's closed, and the secretary tells me I have to wait for the kid before me to leave. When the door opens, Sean comes out.

“You okay?” he asks.

“Yeah. You?”

He nods, smiles, and then hugs me. I hug him back, hard.

I close the door and help myself to a chair. Mrs. Harnett looks at least as exhausted as I feel. She's probably been up all night, too.

“Taylor, I hope you know how sorry I am about what happened to you. But I also hope you know how much of it you brought on yourself, given what you knew.”

“Yes, ma'am. I just felt I had no choice.”

“Praise the Lord, it has worked out for the best, considering everything. You're safe, and this evil influence has been removed. Now, I need to tell you that Charles's parents will be here this evening to take him home. They'll be here just after dinner, so you'll have a little time to bid him farewell. I understand from him that the two of you have developed a very special relationship.”

It surprises me how sad this news makes me feel. I try not to show it. “He's pretty terrific.”

“He thinks the same of you.” She sits back and gathers her thoughts before she goes on. “I've personally spoken with your mother about this situation. I've let her know of your bravery and loyalty, and I've told her you're unharmed. She was inclined to come and get you tonight and take you home. I've convinced her to consider her decision a little longer, to give you at least another overnight to see how you feel. If you stay, you'll be assigned a new roommate Friday afternoon. A new boy whose parents have decided to have him come to us despite what's happened here. He'll be a bit of a challenge, but I happen to think you're up to that. I can't think of anyone I'd rather assign him to.”

“Why's he being sent here? Is he gay?”

She smiles. “You know we don't reveal that kind of information. He'll tell you why if he wants to. Do you think you might be willing to stay?”

“I haven't given it much thought. What if my folks really want to come and get me?”

“If you want to stay, I'll try and convince them. But the decision is theirs, of course. I suggest you call home this evening to assure them you're all right and that you're willing to give this some thought. How does that sound?”

“Fine, I guess. I'm so tired I'm not thinking straight.”

She starts to laugh. And she laughs for several seconds before I get it. Of course I'm not thinking straight. How can I do that? I'm gay!

It takes a minute or so for both of us to recover from the laughing fit, but then it makes me wonder about something. “You do know that John isn't very accepting, don't you?”

She doesn't pretend she doesn't understand me. “I'm going to tell you something I don't want repeated, at least for now. Will you bear that responsibility?”

Hell, I'm keeping so many secrets already. What's one more? I nod.

“I've been designing a training program for all the group leaders. It stresses that a resident's sexual orientation is not an issue that we will address. Gradually, we'll also expand this position to our intake policies. It does not mean that no other homosexual children will come to us. What it means is that for those who are here, the issue that will be addressed is Inappropriate Love.” I start to protest, but she holds a hand up. “That may not mean quite what you think. It doesn't mean that you'd be reprimanded for having feelings for another boy. It means that you'll be reprimanded if you engage in inappropriate activity with him. Whether someone is gay or straight, sex outside of marriage is inappropriate.”

Yes. Well. We'll just have to agree to disagree on that one. And anyway, I still have a bone to pick. “Excuse me, but the church won't let me marry my boyfriend.”

She smiles at me again. “I know. But I'll tell you what. If you decide one day to commit yourself to someone you love deeply, spiritually, whether that person is a man or a woman, I'd be honored if you invite me to the ceremony. And I'd be delighted to be there.”

I grin. “And you promise not to reprimand us?”

“I promise.” She looks at her watch. “Do you have any questions?”

“There's something I want to ask about Leland. About what happened with him and Ray. Marie Downs caught them kissing and reported them, and they were both punished, and Leland had to do a Public Apology.”

“That's right.”

“Why?”

“Why the Apology, you mean? If Ray had lived, he'd have had to do one as well. I understand why you're asking, and I wish I could give you a different answer from the one I have. But once Marie reported this incident, given the policy of Straight to God under Dr. Strickland, that kiss between them was much worse than if one of them had been a girl. Mind you, if one of them had, they would still have been punished, because that behavior is strictly forbidden here. I'm sure you'll remember that from your Booklet. What I want, what will be the case under my directorship, is for that kiss not to have been any worse between Ray and Leland than it would have been between Nate and, say, Andrea.”

“Who did Marie tell?”

“I'm not obliged to tell you, but it's no secret that it was John, who came to me. He had no more choice than I did. But as I've said, I intend to make some changes.” She takes a breath. “Any other questions?”

Lots. Next, I go with this one: “You said you've been designing this new program I'm not to tell anyone about. That means you've been working on it for some time, and Nate says you knew about the circle, so you must have felt differently from Strickland…from Dr. Strickland for a long time. Meanwhile, you've just been holding the corporate line? How could you do that?”

“Now, Taylor, I think if you're honest with yourself, you'll acknowledge that there were a number of times when you and I managed to communicate without words. Times when each of us knew that there wasn't such a huge gulf between us after all.”

She had me there. The first one was during my very first Prayer Meeting, when she didn't try to find out whether Charles had some reason he thought it might be necessary to surprise me during Contemplation—or ask him what he'd seen when he did. Then there was the night she'd practically invited the other kids in Prayer Meeting to throw stones at me, when I was back in SafeZone for another day, when we had that shock of understanding between us, when I got that what she was doing wasn't really about me. And Marie had stepped right into the trap, and for all I knew, that's why she ended up in SafeZone for the barbeque dinner.

The third time was the very next day, after I'd realized how hard it is for her to get us to see things that it wouldn't do much good to just come out and say. She could have told me till I was blue in the face that I needed to feel humble. But until she offered stones to the other kids and most of them threw love at me instead, I couldn't have understood what she meant. In our meeting the next day, when I'd sympathized with her position, she'd nearly cried. Plus Nate had told me I was right about her being surprised when she heard my room had been searched.

I hate to admit it, but I tell her, “I guess so.”

“Besides, you may not know this, but Nate and I talked about you and I encouraged him to recruit you into the circle.”

I shrug and change the subject, if only slightly. “And how will you get away with this change in plans? I mean, won't the church leaders defrock you or whatever?”

“It's an interesting point you raise. And one I intend to exploit. As I'm sure you know, nowhere in the four Gospels of the New Testament does Jesus make any references whatsoever to same-sex love. Now personally, I believe—as Nate does, and as I believe you do—that it would have been an impossible way of life in the first century, even if we think things have changed since then. And I think that if we could go back and ask Jesus, he would tell us it couldn't be supported. Not then. St. Paul does mention it a few times, but he can't be said to be quoting Jesus, only interpreting his message for that time, that place, and those people. So our church, in its charter doctrine, does not actually take a stand on this issue. It's been assumed by almost everyone in the Leadership, and in the congregations, that we condemn it. But it's not stated anywhere.”

She does something I've never seen her do, something I never expected to see her do. She shrugs. “I'm going to do my best. I'll be praying and working with the leaders at Straight to God so that we present a united front if the church resists this position. If I get ousted, I get ousted. But I have to try. And with God's help, and Nate's, and maybe yours, anything is possible.”