Authors: Maya Banks
C H A P T E R N I N T E E N
ELLE SLID HER HAND INTO Merrick’s as they walked back toward the SUV while Cade carried the picnic basket and walked on her other side.
Cade popped the back of the SUV and tossed the basket in, just as Elle caught a glimpse of a uniformed police officer walking in their direction.
She froze, her heart speeding up until it was pounding like a jackhammer. Her hands grew clammy, and sweat popped out on her forehead until it was slick, and she got an overwhelming feeling of sickness in her belly.
Merrick looked at her, brows furrowed, and he was about to say something when the police officer called out to them.
“Cade! Merrick! Hey, how are you guys?”
Merrick and Cade both swiveled in the direction of the cop and offered welcoming smiles.
“Hey, Greg, how’s it going?” Cade offered as he extended his hand to shake the other man’s.
Panic scuttled up Elle’s spine until she was literally shaking. Her knees threatened to buckle, and she stood, stock-still, praying to be taken away from the situation.
Merrick shoved forward to shake the cop’s hand but inserted his body between her and Greg so she was hidden from view.
Cold crept over her, leaving her numb and so scared that she couldn’t process the simplest thought. The three men conversed. Exchanged pleasantries. Greg enthusiastically offered his opinion that Merrick was going to kick Lash’s ass. It went on and on until the world spun in a crazy circle around her.
Stupid, interfering bitch. You just had to stick your nose where it didn’t belong. He can’t save you this time. You’re a dead woman. But first I’m going to have you so that the last face you see is mine while I fuck you like the whore you are.
Her stomach heaved, and she locked her jaw so she didn’t fall apart right here in the middle of the parking lot.
She wasn’t going to be able to hold it together for much longer. She yanked her head around, desperately searching for a place she could be sick in private. Everything she’d eaten at lunch had bunched into a tight ball and weighed a ton in her stomach.
Saliva pooled in her mouth, and when she swallowed it back, it made her even more nauseated.
No longer able to maintain any semblance of normalcy, she broke and made a run for the public bathrooms that were about fifty yards away.
She burst inside, uncaring of who was there or if anyone could see her. She yanked open a stall and barely made it to the toilet before she was violently ill.
Her stomach convulsed and heaved. She shuddered over and over, the retching still continuing even when she’d emptied her stomach of its contents.
The door flew open, and Merrick pushed inside the bathroom, his hands immediately going to her hair as he pulled it away from her face.
He didn’t say anything. Thank God. He just stood there, his hand on her back, rubbing a soothing pattern until finally she stopped the horrible gagging and her stomach unknotted.
Her knees buckled, and she would have hit the floor, but Merrick caught her, anchoring her to his side as he helped her from the stall. He guided her toward the sink, where he wet several paper towels and applied them to her face.
Then he handed her a bottle of water and said, “Here. Rinse your mouth out.”
She did as he instructed, numb to everything else. She performed robotically, like she was a programmable thing. Then she folded her arms over the sink and lowered her head to her wrists, resting there as she took in huge gulps of air.
“What the fuck is going on, Elle?”
Cade’s low voice cut through the horrific buzzing in her head.
“Sorry,” she croaked. “Just want to go home. Is he gone?”
She picked her head up long enough to see Merrick and Cade exchange quick glances.
“Baby, Greg is a friend. He doesn’t know a thing about you, and he won’t. You have our word on that. He just wanted to shoot the shit a minute,” Merrick offered.
Frustration was sharp and consuming. “Logically I know that. I
do
. I told you I’m a mess. I tried to warn you about what you’re getting into.”
“Stop. Just stop,” Cade said sharply.
She went silent, her eyes widening at the look on his face.
“Now take a deep breath for me and relax.”
She inhaled deeply through her nose and let it out her mouth in a noisy rush.
“That’s better. Now, let us worry about what we’re getting into,” he said in a calm tone. “Merrick and I are big boys. We know what we’re doing. Stop worrying about what we think or feel and concentrate on what’s scaring the hell out of you so bad. Can you remember anything at all? Anything that we can use to help you?”
She shook her head, despair creeping over her shoulders, slumping them downward with its weight. “Just him. Again. And words. What he said to me. Oh God. He hated me. He wanted to punish me. He told me he’d kill me but first he was going to fuck me like the whore I was so that the last face I saw was his as he raped me.”
“Son of a bitch,” Cade swore, fury laced in every word.
“Can you picture him?” Merrick asked gently. “Can you remember anything that would help us identify him?”
Panic slammed into her, nearly knocking her to her knees. She shook her head violently, refusing to remember, not wanting to remember. God, if she put a face to the monster, then she’d never rid herself of that image. Of him over her, hurting her, violating her and hating her with every breath.
“It’ll come,” Merrick said quietly. “When you’re ready, it’ll come.”
She nodded slowly, taking in the words and holding them like a talisman. Even as a voice whispered in the back of her mind that she didn’t want it to come. She never wanted it to come. What would it solve? And who would believe her if she could remember him? If she sought justice for what he’d done, if she could actually put a face and a name to her attacker, who would take the word of an amnesiac who had a tenuous hold on her sanity?
Damned if she did. Damned if she didn’t. All she wanted was to forget. Or rather not remember, since she had nothing to forget except those words. Such hate-filled words. Was it someone she knew? Had someone she’d trusted betrayed her? Or had it been a random act of violence?
No. It couldn’t be random. The man knew her. He’d said he wanted what
he
was having. Some other man. Her lover? Boyfriend? Husband?
Oh God, the idea of having a husband filled her with panic all over again. How could she commit to Cade and Merrick when she didn’t even know if she was already legally committed to another man?
Cade pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. It was purely comforting. There was nothing sexual about his hold. It told her more than words that he was there and that he wasn’t going anywhere and that she could get through anything with his and Merrick’s help.
She grabbed on to that silent promise.
“Let’s go home now,” he said gently. “I think you’ve had enough excitement for one day.”
She nodded her agreement. Just the idea of being back in the place she felt so safe bolstered her spirits.
Single file, her lodged between Cade and Merrick, she walked out of the bathroom. Once outside, they adjusted so they flanked her on either side as they strode toward the truck.
Merrick opened the door for her, and she slid into the front seat, next to Cade. Merrick climbed in back, and Cade wasted no time pulling out of the parking lot.
She sighed in relief and rested her head against the window, closing her eyes as they drove away from the beauty of the lake. Some things were more beautiful for what they offered. The modest home that Cade and Merrick shared was the most beautiful spot in the world to her. It stood for all the things she needed most.
Comfort. Security. Protection.
Love.
Her sanctuary. Her place to just be. No questions. No demands. No intrusion from the outside world.
Cade reached for her hand, but she didn’t react. He curled his fingers tightly around hers and squeezed. A simple reminder that he had her back. She squeezed back, sending him the silent thank you.
He loved her.
It was almost too much to comprehend. How could he love her? He didn’t even know the real her. What if he didn’t like the real Elle? What if the old Elle was someone nothing like the new Elle?
What if she remembered everything tomorrow and discovered she was a terrible person?
She couldn’t lose Cade and Merrick. No matter what or who she was in the past, it was never too late to be someone else. Was it?
Bone deep weariness assailed her. She felt as wrung out as an old dishrag. There was nothing more she wanted than to stumble into bed and stay there. She wanted to forget today ever happened. Wanted to wipe the dream from her mind and memory and to erase the horrible panic she’d endured when the police officer had walked her way.
Even now, a curl of nausea twisted her stomach into knots all over again.
When they rolled up in the driveway, she opened her door, desperate to be out and to go inside, close the door and shut herself off from the rest of the world.
She knew she was in huge denial of her situation. She knew that this wasn’t a long-term solution to her problem. But she wasn’t equipped to deal with her past right now. Maybe down the road. But not now.
“I want to go lie down,” she murmured as Cade and Merrick followed her inside.
Merrick touched her clammy face, frowning as he drew his hand away. But he didn’t say anything. Just simply nodded and then leaned forward to press a kiss to her forehead.
“I’ll check in on you later,” he said.
She nodded and walked down the hall to the small bedroom she occupied. Not even bothering to undress, she crawled beneath the covers and curled her knees to her chest so she was in a protective ball. She pulled the covers to her chin and closed her eyes, praying she wouldn’t dream.
C H A P T E R T W E N T Y
MERRICK SAT IN THE DARKNESS, brooding silently as he listened to the rain patter against the roof. A weather system had moved in—a cold front—in the latter portion of the afternoon while Elle was sleeping.
Today he’d done something he’d never done. He’d cancelled a training session. Dakota had called, worried. And then Catherine had called on her husband’s heels. He’d known, though, that he ran the risk of being injured if he sparred because his concentration was shot to hell. He was focused on the woman curled up in the bed in the next room.
He’d checked in on her twice, worried that she’d remained sequestered in her room. But each time, she’d been deeply asleep. She hadn’t so much as moved from the spot she’d curled up in.
He didn’t know what to do or if there was anything
to
be done. He was tired of the patience route. He wasn’t one to sit around and spout psychological bullshit. Elle was on the verge of cracking, and he was helpless to do anything but sit and watch.
Maybe he and Cade were wrong to discount her fears of her past. It was easy to say her past didn’t matter and that they were her future. But the truth was, until they knew exactly what was in her past, they had no idea what they were dealing with.
And if she’d been in trouble with the police, they could have a clusterfuck on their hands.
A noise in the hallway alerted him, and he turned his head to look over his shoulder to see Elle shuffling toward the kitchen.
“Finally awake, sleepyhead?” he called out in a teasing voice that he hoped covered his relief at seeing her.
She ignored him and continued on, disappearing from view. There was something off about her. The way she walked. She never even reacted to his voice, and if she hadn’t been aware of his presence, he should have startled her.
Frowning, he pushed himself up from the armchair and started toward the kitchen only to hear the door slam shut.
What the hell?
He charged into the kitchen only to find Elle gone. He glanced toward the door and saw the silhouette of her body heading through the garage.
“What the ever-loving fuck,” he muttered.
He yanked open the door just in time to see Elle walk from the confines of the garage straight out into the rain.
“Elle! Elle!” he yelled.
He sprinted out of the garage, flinching when the cold rain pelted his face. Elle had stopped at the end of the walkway and stared sightlessly into the street. God, what if he hadn’t been up to see her walk out of the house? She could have been killed!
He grasped her shoulders and steered her back toward the house. She blinked in surprise and then seemed to come back to reality.
She stared up at him, rain sluicing down her face. Her hair was bedraggled and soaked through.
“Merrick?” she asked in confusion. “Why are we standing in the rain?”
She looked down, holding her arms out as her clothing dripped water, and then back up at him in bewilderment.
“Come on, let’s get you back inside,” he said in a grim voice.
He herded her back through the garage and into the kitchen.
“Stay right where you are. Let me grab a towel.”
He ducked into the small laundry room and pulled a towel from the dryer. When he returned to Elle, she was shivering, partly from cold, but she seemed to be in shock.
He wrapped the towel around her and rubbed vigorously.
“We need to get you out of these clothes and into a hot shower.”
She allowed him to lead her toward the bathroom. Her expression was still mostly blank, as if she had no idea what had just transpired. He sat her down on the closed toilet seat and then turned on the shower.
“What happened, Elle?” he asked as he started removing her shirt.
He hoped if he could get her talking that she wouldn’t focus on the fact that he was stripping her down to nothing. He didn’t want her to freak out, and it was entirely possible given her current emotional state.
“I don’t know,” she said blankly. “The last thing I remember is going to bed and then suddenly I was standing in the rain with you in front of me.”
Merrick cursed. “Never known anyone who sleepwalked, but it sure as hell sounds like that’s what happened.”
“Why on earth would I walk out of the house?”
Her voice shook, and he could see how freaked out she was over the idea of just walking out without realizing it.
“That I don’t know, baby. You scared the hell out of me. God only knows what could have happened if I hadn’t been up and seen you walk out the door.”
Reaction set in on him about the same time it hit her. His hands shook as he pulled her up to peel down her wet pants. He and Cade would have woken up and found her gone, and they may never have found her again.
Or she could have been killed or seriously injured.
Or she could have simply walked away and kept on walking.
“Slip out of your panties,” he said in a gentle voice. “We need to get you in the shower and warmed up. You need help, or can you make it on your own?”
She glanced down and remained still for a long moment. “I can do it,” she finally murmured.
“Okay, but I’m staying right here. I’ll get another dry towel and a change of clothes for you, but then I’ll be back.”
She nodded and stepped into the shower, flinching when the hot water hit her cold skin.
When he was certain she wasn’t going to take a header in the shower, he quickly left the bathroom to get the towel and something for her to wear. He hesitated outside of Cade’s bedroom a moment, pondering whether to wake his friend.
It wasn’t that he couldn’t handle the situation with Elle, but if they were going to be in this together, Cade needed to know. Merrick would be pissed as hell if this had happened while he’d been sleeping and Cade hadn’t woke him up.
And there was the fact that Cade could brew a pot of hot coffee while Elle was in the shower. Then maybe they could sit down together and hash this out.
He knocked on Cade’s door and then stuck his head in. Cade stirred and stuck his head up, his eyes blurry with sleep.
“What’s up?” Cade asked.
“I’ll explain more later, but I need you to put on some coffee so we can warm Elle up. She was sleepwalking in the rain. I have her in the shower now.”
Cade was up in an instant. “What the fuck?”
“Yeah, that was my reaction,” Merrick muttered.
Cade dragged on a pair of sweats and was throwing on a T-shirt when Merrick ducked back out of the bedroom.
He entered the bathroom to see Elle standing under the spray, her head down, eyes closed. Her face was contorted as if whatever she was thinking was causing her pain.
He hated the helplessness of the situation. His helplessness. He’d do anything in the world to help her, and yet there was no way for him to take away whatever private hell she was enduring.
His worst fear was of losing her. And hell, he didn’t even really have her yet. Not fully. And it had nothing to do with the fact that he hadn’t touched her sexually or made love to her. Fuck all that. He didn’t need a physical relationship with her to feel like what they had was real.
He didn’t have her fully yet because her past still had a firm hold on her mind. Though he didn’t doubt one bit her desire to commit to him and Cade, he knew she couldn’t fully do so until she’d resolved what had happened to her.
And he wanted her. More than he’d ever wanted another woman.
Realizing that it was likely she’d stand there in the shower in whatever daze she was currently in all night, he reached in to turn off the water.
When his hand closed over her shoulder, her skin was hot and flushed. Her eyes flew open, and she gave him a startled look before relaxing when she realized it was him.
“Come on, baby,” he said in as gentle a voice as he could manage. “Let me dry you off.”
He helped her over the edge of the tub and made sure her feet hit the bath rug so she wouldn’t slip. Then he briskly rubbed her down with the towel before wrapping her dripping hair in it and arranging it atop her head.
“I got you something to wear. Can you manage on your own?”
She nodded, nearly toppling the towel from her head. He righted it and motioned to the pair of sweats and the T-shirt on the counter.
“Cade and I will be in the living room. He made fresh coffee. Come on out when you’re dressed, and we’ll talk.”
She grimaced but nodded. Her arms had crept up to her waist, and she wrapped them protectively around herself as she stood naked and vulnerable to his gaze.
Not wanting to make her any more uncomfortable, he averted his eyes and then backed from the bathroom, though the image of her standing in the shower, water running down her sleek body, was still firmly imprinted in his mind.
Cade was pacing the living room floor when Merrick appeared. When Cade saw Merrick, he pulled up abruptly, his face a cloud of concern.
“What the hell is going on? You said she was sleepwalking. In the fucking
rain
?”
Merrick blew out his breath. “I was up. Couldn’t sleep. Guess I was worried about her. I checked in on her twice, but each time, she was sleeping soundly. I was sitting in the chair over there and heard her come down the hall. I called out to her but she kept walking. Next thing I know she’s out the kitchen door, through the garage and standing out by the street. I don’t even want to know what could have happened if I hadn’t been up.”
Cade let a vehement string of curses fly. “Maybe I should call Dallas.”
“That might be a good idea,” Merrick said grimly. “This is beyond my scope. I don’t know how to help her, Cade.”
Cade went quiet, his gaze moving beyond Merrick. Merrick turned to see Elle walk into the living room, her feet bare, and she was shivering.
Merrick was at her side instantaneously, his arm going around her. “Come sit on the couch and get warm.”
Cade was there with a blanket as Elle settled against the cushions. She tucked her feet underneath her, and Cade arranged the throw securely around her body. Then Cade perched on the couch next to her, worry creasing his brow.
“What happened, Elle?” Cade asked.
She closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them, they were swamped with confusion and fear.
“I don’t know,” she said helplessly. “I don’t remember anything except waking up outside in the rain when Merrick shook me.”
“Were you having a bad dream?” Merrick asked. “Think about it. Try to remember.”
She frowned, her lips pursing in concentration. “I remember a badge. And bright sunlight. It glinted in the sun.”
She broke off abruptly, her hand going to her forehead. Her fingers shook badly as she rubbed over her eye.
“Elle?” Cade asked gently. “What is it? What do you remember?”
Her hand slowly dropped, delving below the blanket to touch her hip through the sweats she was wearing.
“I remember the badge digging into my hip while he…”
Her voice broke off in a sob, and her hands flew to her face to stifle the escaping sound.
She hated the feeling of helplessness that assaulted her the moment she thought back on that awful dream—the awful
memory
. It wasn’t a dream. It had really happened. To her. She’d been violated. Held down, helpless, while a man forced himself on her. Had hated her. Had every intention of killing her. He’d tried to kill her. He’d shot her.
What could she have done to inspire such animosity? She couldn’t fathom that kind of hatred. Couldn’t imagine having done anything to deserve something that awful. But what woman did? No one deserved to be raped. It wasn’t a woman’s fault. There was no excuse for a man to violate a woman, no matter how angry he was. No matter what the perceived sin of the woman.
Logically she knew that, and yet she still couldn’t wrap her mind around it all. There had to be a reason, didn’t there? But no. Women were raped all the time for no other reason than a man wanted to exert his power, that he wanted to degrade and punish her.
The fault wasn’t with her. She knew that. And yet she couldn’t get past the idea that she’d done something to warrant a man raping and trying to kill her.
Cade slid his hand around her nape and pulled her head to his chest. She shook violently against him, and she heard the low curses from both Cade and Merrick. She heard the worry in their voices, and the anger. Not at her. But at what had happened to her and the grip her past still had on her even though she couldn’t remember it.
“It’s okay, honey. You’re with us. It’s okay to remember. He can’t hurt you now. Talk it out if you want. We’re here. We’ll listen.”
“I don’t
want
to remember,” she said, her voice muffled by Cade’s shirt.
Merrick sighed, his heart softening at the vulnerability in her voice. He ran his finger up her bare arm and rubbed his knuckle back down in a soothing manner.
“I don’t claim to understand what you’ve been through, baby. I won’t insult you by saying I do. But I
do
understand why you don’t want to remember. I get that. But I also know that this is like a festering wound, and it’s not going to go away. At some point, we have to face it. Together. And you need to know that Cade and I are going to be here to help you in any way we can.”
She picked up her head and met his gaze, her eyes burning with emotion.
“I think…” She licked her lips nervously and glanced back at Cade before returning once more to Merrick. She seemed to be waging a horrific war with herself, not just over the dreams and memories that tormented her, but over the here and now and about what she was about to say. “That is, I’m pretty sure I love you both. And I’ve battled with myself until I’m exhausted over it. I keep thinking that I
can’t
love you. That I can’t love
two
people. That the very
last
thing I can offer someone in my current emotional state is love. I keep questioning whether my feelings are real or whether they’re the result of you saving me and taking me in. But they feel real. I
want
them to be real.”
Merrick was momentarily struck speechless. Cade was no less affected by the sudden declaration.