Read The World's Biggest Bogey Online
Authors: Steve Hartley
The World's Biggest Bogey
Steve Hartley is a sensible man. He has a sensible job, a sensible family, lives in a sensible house and drives a sensible car. But underneath it all, he longs to be silly.
There have been occasional forays into silliness: Steve has been a football mascot called Desmond Dragon, and has tasted World Record success himself – taking part in both a mass yodel and
a mass yo-yo. But he wanted more, and so his alter ego – Danny Baker Record Breaker – was created. Steve lives in Lancashire with his wife and teenage daughter.
Also by Steve Hartley
DANNY BAKER RECORD BREAKER
The World’s Awesomest Air-Barf
First published 2010 by Macmillan Children’s Books
This electronic edition published 2010 by Macmillan Children’s Books
a division of Macmillan Publishers Limited
Pan Macmillan, 20 New Wharf Road, London N1 9RR
Basingstoke and Oxford
Associated companies throughout the world
www.panmacmillan.com
ISBN 978-0-330-52037-9 in Adobe Reader format
ISBN 978-0-330-51983-0 in Adobe Digital Editions format
ISBN 978-0-330-52038-6 in Mobipocket format
Text copyright © Steve Hartley 2010
Illustrations copyright © Kate Pankhurst 2010
The right of Steve Hartley and Kate Pankhurst to be identified as the author and illustrator of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs
and Patents Act 1988.
You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital,
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liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
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Glossary of Danny Baker’s Gobbledegook
For Rosie
Three hundred and forty-seven megazigzillion thanks to:
Connie, the Best Daughter in the World, whose love of records inspired the original idea.
Natascha Biebow, Sara Grant and Sara O’Connor for having the Best Idea in the World when they put together the SCBWI
Undiscovered Voices 2008
anthology.
Finally to three women who all love Danny as much as I do:
Sarah Manson, the Best Agent in the World, for knocking my writing into shape and expertly steering the Steve Hartley ship.
Emma Young, the Best Editor in the World, for plunging so enthusiastically into Danny’s world of silliness.
And most of all to my wife, Louise, the Best Critic in the World, for so many Ace ideas, and for telling me when I’m funny, but more importantly, when I’m
not
funny.
This is entirely a work of fiction and any resemblance to the real world is purely coincidental.
To the Manager
The Great Big Book of World Records
London
Dear Sir
I have been collecting bogeys from my nose for the last two years. I have stuck them al
l
together to make one
enormous bogey. It measures 5.3
c
m in diameter and weighs 3.6 g. Here is a photograph of me holding the bogey. Is this a
record?
Yours faithfully
Danny Baker
(Aged nine and a bit)
Dear Danny Baker
Thank you for your letter about your big bogey. I am sorry to tell you that it is not a record.
Ronald Ramsbottom of Rawtenstall, Lancashire, is the Individual Bogey world-record holder. He was the All-England Nose-picking Champion for
thirteen straight years, from 1982 to 1994. Unfortunately, in 1995 he chopped off his right index finger trying to unblock a jammed electric pencil sharpener. Ronald entered the championship that
year using his left index finger, but came ninth. He retired, and now picks his nose only for fun. His collected bogeys measured 47 cm in diameter, and weighed 2.51 kg.
As a matter of interest, the biggest Team Bogey ever created was one that measured 5.1 m in diameter and weighed 3,198.7 kg. It took six years of
continuous nose–picking by 467 boys from a school in Chichibu in Japan. On the day they decided to stop picking their noses, they invited their headmaster to add the final bogey. Tragically,
just as he put his finger up his nose, a freak gust of wind started the ball rolling. The headmaster and fifteen of the boys were squashed to death. Thirty–one other pupils had to go to
hospital. All of which goes to show that great care must be taken when attempting to break
any
world record.
Best wishes
Eric Bibby
Keeper of the Records
