Authors: Robert Aickman
There was no open row until Clarissa and I went upstairs. One reason was that after doing the washing-up, Aline had come into the sitting room, without a word, to join us. I was not surprised that she had no wish to be alone; nor that she proved reluctant to play a game named Contango, of which Clarissa was very fond, and which went back to her days with Jack, even though Jack had always won, sometimes while glancing through business papers simultaneously, as I had observed for myself. Both Clarissa and Aline were wearing tartan trousers, though not the same tartan. I had always been told by Cuddy that there was no Leith tartan. I have never sought further to know whether or not that is true.
As soon as we were in bed, Clarissa lay on her front, impressing the pillow with moisture from her brow, and
quietly
set about me; ranging far beyond the possibilities and deficiencies of Pollaporra. Any man – any modern man – would have some idea of what was said. Do the details matter? I offered no argument. At Pollaporra, I spoke as little as I could. What can argument achieve anywhere? It might have been a moment for me to establish at least temporary
dominance
by one means or another, but Pollaporra prevented, even if I am the man to do it at any time. I tried to remember Shulie, but of course the circumstances left her entirely unreal to me, together with everything else.
And, in the morning, things were no better. I do not know how much either of us had managed to sleep. For better or worse, we had fallen silent in the heat long ago. In the end, I heard the seabirds screaming and yelling at the dawn.
Clarissa put on a few garments while I lay silent on the bed and then told me that as there was nothing she could do in the house, she was departing at once.
‘I should leave Aline behind, but I need her.’
‘I quite understand,’ I said. ‘I advised you against coming in the first place. I shall go over to see Mason and try to arrange with him for a caretaker. It won’t take more than a day or two.’
‘You’ll first need to change the place completely. You are weak and pigheaded.’
‘They sometimes see things differently in Scotland. I shall come down as soon as I can.’ I might have to hire a car to some station, because I did not think Mason owned one, or anyone else in his small community. That was a trifle; comparatively.
‘No hurry. I shall use the time deciding what to do for the best.’ She was combing her mass of hair, lovely as Ceres’ sheaf. The comb, given her by the Aga Khan, was made of ebony. The air smelled of hot salt.
I suppose I should have begged her pardon for Pollaporra and myself, and gone back to London with her, or to
anywhere
else. I did not really think of it. Pollaporra had to be settled, if at all possible. I might never be back there.
In a few moments, Clarissa and I were together in the hall, the one high room, and I saw Aline silently standing by the outer door, as if she had stood all night; and the door was slightly open. Aline was in different trousers, and so was Clarissa.
‘I can’t be bothered to pack up the food. You’re welcome to all of it.’
‘Don’t go without breakfast,’ I said. ‘The lumpy roads will make you sick.’
‘Breakfast would make me sick,’ said Clarissa.
Clarissa carried very few clothes about. All she had with her was in the aircraft holdall she clutched. I do not know about Aline. She must have had something. I cannot remember.
‘I don’t know when we’ll meet again,’ said Clarissa.
‘In two or three days,’ I said. ‘Four at the most.’ Since I had decided to remain, I had to seem calm.
‘I may go and stay with Naomi. I want to think things out.’
She was wearing the lightest of blouses, little more than a mist. She was exquisite beyond description. Suddenly, I noticed that tears were again streaming silently down Aline’s face.
‘Or I may go somewhere else,’ said Clarissa, and walked out, with her slight but distinctive wobble.
Instead of immediately following her, as she always did, Aline actually took two steps in my direction. She looked up at me, like a rococo cherub. Since I could not kiss Clarissa, I lightly kissed Aline’s wet lips, and she kissed me.
*
I turned my back in order not to see the car actually depart, though nothing could prevent my hearing it. What had the row been really about? I could surmise and guess, but I did not know. I much doubted whether Clarissa knew. One could only be certain that she would explain herself, as it were to a third party, in a totally different way from me. We might just as well belong to different zoological species, as in the Ray Bradbury story. The row was probably a matter only of Clarissa being a woman and I a man. Most of all, rows between the sexes have no more precise origin; and, indirectly, many other rows also.
I think I stood for some time with my back to the open door and my face to the picture of an old gillie in a tam, with dead animals almost to his knees. It had been given us by the Shepstones. It was named
Coronach
in Ruskinian letters, grimly misapplied. Ultimately, I turned and through the open door saw what Aline may have seen. The auld carlin was advancing across the drive with a view to entering.
Drive, I have to call it. It was a large area of discoloured nothingness upon which cars stood, and before them horses, but little grew, despite the lack of weeding. Needless to say, the woman was not approaching straightforwardly.
Previously
, I had seen her only when she had been confined to the limits of a staircase, albeit a wide one, a landing, and, later, a lift. If now she had been coming straight at me, I might have had a split second to see her face. I realised that, quite clearly, upon the instant.
I bounded forward. I slammed the door. The big key was difficult to turn in the big lock, so I shot the four rusty bolts first. Absurdly, there was a ‘chain’ also and, after I had coped with the stiff lock, I ‘put it on.’
Then I tore round the house shooting other bolts; making sure that all other locks were secure; shutting every possible window and aperture, on that already very hot early morning.
*
It is amazing how much food Clarissa laid in. She was, or is, always open-handed. I am sure that I have made that clear. Nor of course does one need so much food – or at least want so much – in this intense heat. Nor as yet has the well run dry. Cuddy refused to show me the well, saying the key was lost. I have still not seen either thing.
There is little else to do but write this clear explanation of everything that has happened to me since the misfortune of birth. He that has fared better, and without deceiving
himself
, let him utter his jackass cry.
Not that I have surrendered. There lies the point. Pollaporra is not on the telephone, nor ever could be, pending the ‘withering away of the State’; but before long someone may take note that I am not there. The marines may descend from choppers yet. Clarissa may well have second thoughts. Women commonly do, when left to themselves. She loves Pollaporra and may well devise a means of wrestling my life interest away from me, and welcome. I don’t know where Aline would enter into that hypothesis. Possibly I made a mistake in not writing to Mason that I was coming. But I doubt whether in such personal matters his time-scale is shorter than months.
Off and on, I see the woman at one window or another; though not peeking through, which, as will have been
gathered
, is far from her policy. At least twice, however, it has been at a window upstairs; on both occasions when I was about to undress for some reason, not necessarily slumber, of which I have little. At these times, her slimy-sleek head, always faceless, will tip-tap sharply against the thick glazing bars. The indelicacy, as Jack might put it (I wonder how Cuddy would put it?), set me upon a course of hard thinking.
So long as I keep myself barred up, she can achieve nothing. Mason seemed quite certain of that, and I accept it. But what does the woman aim to do to me? When she appeared to me before, my poor mother soon passed away. When she appeared to me a second time, my dear, dear Shulie vanished from my life. It is not to be taken for granted that either of these precise fates is intended for me. I am not even ill or infirm. There may be a certain room for manœuvre, though I can foresee no details.
More often, I see the woman at corners of what used to be the lawn and garden, though never in my time. It lies at the back of the house, and far below lies the loch. Sometimes too, the creature perches on the ornaments and broken walls, like a sprite. Such levitations are said to be not uncommon in the remoter parts of Scotland. Once I thought I glimpsed her high up in a bush, like dirty rags in a gale. Not that so far there has been any gale, or even any wind. The total silent stillness is one of the worst things. If I die of heat and
deoxygenation
, it will be one solution.
Yes, it is a battle with strong and unknown forces that I have on my hands. ‘But what can ail all of them to bury the old carlin in the night time?’ as Sir Walter ventures to enquire; in
The
Antiquary,
if I remember rightly.
It was never less than half an hour after the engine stopped running that my father deigned to signal for succour. If in the process of breaking down, we had climbed, or descended, a bank, then first we must all exhaust ourselves pushing. If we had collided, there was, of course, a row. If, as had happened that day, it was simply that, while we coasted along, the machinery had ceased to churn and rattle, then my father tried his hand as a mechanic. That was the worst contingency of all; at least it was the worst one connected with motoring.
I had learned by experience that neither rain nor snow made much difference, and certainly not fog; but that
afternoon
it was hotter than any day I could remember. I realised later that it was the famous Long Summer of 1921, when the water at the bottom of cottage wells turned salt, and when eels were found baked and edible in their mud. But to know this at the time, I should have had to read the papers, and though, through my mother’s devotion, I had the trick of reading before my third birthday, I mostly left the practice to my younger brother, Constantin. He was reading now from a pudgy volume, as thick as it was broad, and resembling his own head in size and proportion. As always, he had resumed his studies immediately the bumping of our almost springless car permitted, and even before motion had ceased. My mother sat in the front seat inevitably correcting pupils’ exercises. By teaching her native German in five schools at once, three of them distant, one of them fashionable, she surprisingly managed to maintain the four of us, and even our car. The front offside door of the car leaned dangerously open into the seething highway.
‘I say,’ cried my father.
The young man in the big yellow racer shook his head as he tore by. My father had addressed the least appropriate car on the road.
‘I say.’
I cannot recall what the next car looked like, but it did not stop.
My father was facing the direction from which we had come, and sawing the air with his left arm, like a very
inexperienced
policeman. Perhaps no one stopped because all thought him eccentric. Then a car going in the opposite direction came to a standstill behind my father’s back. My father perceived nothing. The motorist sounded his horn. In those days, horns squealed, and I covered my ears with my hands. Between my hands and my head my long fair hair was like brittle flax in the sun.
My father darted through the traffic. I think it was the Portsmouth Road. The man in the other car got out and came to us. I noticed his companion, much younger and in a
cherry-coloured
cloche, begin to deal with her nails.
‘Broken down?’ asked the man. To me it seemed obvious, as the road was strewn with bits of the engine and oozy blobs of oil. Moreover, surely my father had explained?
‘I can’t quite locate the seat of the trouble,’ said my father.
The man took off one of his driving gauntlets, big and dirty.
‘Catch hold for a moment.’ My father caught hold.
The man put his hand into the engine and made a casual movement. Something snapped loudly.
‘Done right in. If you ask me, I’m not sure she’ll ever go again.’
‘Then I don’t think I’ll ask you,’ said my father affably. ‘Hot, isn’t it?’ My father began to mop his tall corrugated brow, and front-to-back ridges of grey hair.
‘Want a tow?’
‘Just to the nearest garage.’ My father always spoke the word in perfect French.
‘Where to?’
‘To the nearest car repair workshop. If it would not be troubling you too much.’
‘Can’t help myself now, can I?’
*
From under the backseat in the other car, the owner got out a thick, frayed rope, black and greasy as the hangman’s. The owner’s friend simply said, ‘Pleased to meet you,’ and began to replace her scalpels and enamels in their cabinet. We jolted towards the town we had traversed an hour or two before; and were then untied outside a garage on the outskirts.
‘Surely it is closed for the holiday?’ said my mother. Hers is a voice I can always recall upon an instant: guttural, of course, but beautiful, truly golden.
‘’Spect he’ll be back,’ said our benefactor, drawing in his rope like a fisherman. ‘Give him a bang.’ He kicked three times very loudly upon the dropped iron shutter. Then
without
another word he drove away.
It was my birthday, I had been promised the sea, and I began to weep. Constantin, with a fretful little wriggle, closed further into himself and his book; but my mother leaned over the front seat of the car and opened her arms to me. I went to her and sobbed on the shoulder of her bright red dress.
‘Kleine
Lene,
wir
stecken
schön
in
der
Tinte.’