The Widow and the Orphan (24 page)

Walking along the beach, Gabe kicked at the sand. He watched as Gavin and Pepper splashed in the water together, yelling and laughing. The sight of them made him want to laugh as well, but his heart was too heavy. He was dying, and it broke his spirit to think he wouldn’t be around to witness that kind of carefree joy anymore. Just the short walk along the beach was stealing his breath. He waved Pepper over and she trotted up to his side.

“Darling, I’m getting a little winded.” He gritted out the words with as little hostility as possible, hoping Pepper knew it wasn’t directed at her.

“Sure, no problem. Let’s walk back to the chairs.”

She hooked her arm in his in such a way as to make it look like he was escorting her instead of the other way around and it made him love her that much more. When they got back to their spread, he flopped down into the beach chair and took a few deep breaths.

“Want some water?” Pepper asked, reaching for the cooler.

“No, thank you.”

“A snack?”

“Nothing, thank you. Could you call Gavin over?”

Gabe couldn’t look at her when he asked. The time had come. He couldn’t put it off any longer, searching for the perfect words or way to break the news to his son that he was dying.

“Sure.”

Pepper squeezed his shoulder and then walked a few feet away, shouting to Gavin who was looking for seashells. When he jogged over to her, both of his hands were brimming with them.

“Look at this one!” he was saying as Pepper led him to Gabe.

“It’s really pretty, kid. Come on over, your dad wants to talk to you for a minute.”

The little boy loped over to where Gabe sat and dropped to his knees while all of his shells scattered in front of him. He held them up and Gabe oohed and aahed over each one.

“I really like the beach.” Gavin grinned up at him.

“I’m so glad that you do. I’d hate it if you didn’t.” Gabe ruffled his hair and smiled back at him. “I need to talk to you for a little while.”

Gavin’s grin faded. “Okay.”

Pepper stood behind Gavin so he couldn’t see her, mouthing the words,
Want me to stay
?

Gabe shook his head, so she turned to walk back down toward the ocean. Turning his attention back to Gavin, he tried another smile, hoping he would be able to keep control of his emotions as he told his son about the cancer.

“You’re a pretty smart boy, son,” he began.

“I guess.” His little shoulders bobbed up and down in a quick shrug.

“I don’t think it’s any surprise to you that I’ve been sick, what with the trips to the hospital and doctor’s office.”

Gavin didn’t say anything, just continued to sort through his seashells. His eyes were on the shells, but his head was tilted up a little and to the side, so his right ear was pointed at Gabe. He knew his son was listening to every word.

“I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to tell you this, but I can’t put it off any longer. I have cancer.”

Gavin flinched, but remained silent. His hands stopped moving and they hung between his knees.

“I found out before we met and was taking a lot of medicine in the hopes that it would make the cancer go away, but it didn’t work.” Gabe bit his bottom lip to keep his voice from quavering.

“Can you try a different one?” Gavin finally looked up at him and his eyes were full of fear.

Gabe shook his head and looked at his own hands, splayed across his knees. “No. We tried a lot of them, but the cancer is in other parts of my body now. I’m afraid there’s no stopping it.”

“Are you going to die?”

Gabe reached up to rub his eyes, trying desperately not to cry. He needed to be strong and it was the hardest thing he’d ever done. “I’m afraid so, son.”

Gavin wiped his hands off on his damp swim trunks and stood up. He reached for Gabe and wrapped his arms around his father’s neck. “I’m sorry,” was all he said.

Gabe gripped him tightly, pulling him down onto his lap. “Not nearly as sorry as I am, Gavin. I wish it wasn’t true, but it is.” They sat together, without speaking for quite a while before Gabe pushed him away so he could look into his child’s eyes.

“I can promise you that you won’t ever be alone again, though. Pepper will take good care of you after I’m gone.”

Till that point, Gabe had managed to keep his emotions in check, just barely. But the look of disappointment and disbelief in his son’s eyes was too much. Gavin shrugged, whispered “okay,” but it was clear by the resignation on his little face that he didn’t believe a word Gabe just said. Pulling him back into his embrace, Gabe began to cry, whispering “I’m sorry” over and over into the boy’s ear.

“I haven’t the foggiest idea what to do.”

Pepper ran both hands through her blonde hair, catching her wedding rings in the tangles. Yanking her hands free, she grimaced and waited for Vivienne to respond. They were sitting in the kitchen sipping wine while Gavin played in the living room with the cats and Gabe slept upstairs.

“The best you can, I guess.” Vivienne’s brow furrowed with worry. “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, hun.”

“He says he wants to die at home,” Pepper whispered. “I don’t know how I feel about that. Is that wrong?”

“No.”

“I mean, I want him to have whatever he wants, but is that a good thing for Gavin? And I gotta be honest. It creeps me out a little.” Pepper shuddered at the thought.

“I hear ya. I think you need to talk it over with him. Maybe he’s not thinking about Gavin right now. If you remind him about his son being here, he might change his mind.”

“I guess. God
damn
this sucks. I mean, what am I supposed to do?”

Pepper could feel herself start to break down, but tightened the reigns as best she could. She chewed on the inside of her cheek. She scrunched her toes up inside her shoes. She dug her fingernails into her palms. Anything to keep control of the crazy tempest of anger and desperation storming in her brain.

“I know you’re scared, Pepper,” Vivienne murmured. “You know you can talk to me. I’ll always be here. Or maybe you should think about seeing someone yourself? A counselor?”

Pepper shook her head. “No. I don’t think so. I kind of already did that.”

Vivienne looked shocked and leaned forward. “When was this?”

“I went to the chapel at the hospital and there was a pastor there. I pretty much gave him the what for about what I thought he could do with his god and religion.”

Vivienne tried not to laugh, but she just couldn’t hold it in. “Oh, Pepper. That’s just so…
you
!” Then she snorted and the laughter really took hold. “Anyone else on this planet couldn’t get away with the things you do!”

Pepper rolled her eyes. “Yeah, that’s me. Over the top. Anyway, once I got done unloading on him, he actually talked to me for a long time. I still don’t know if I believe in God or not, but I definitely understand now why some people do.”

* * * * *

“Can I get you anything?”

Later that night, Pepper stood in the doorway to the bathroom as Gabe settled into the jetted tub for a soak. Since he’d gotten home from the hospital, it seemed he could never get warm enough. The only time he felt comfortable was when he was in a hot bath.

“No thank you.”

She waited until he was submerged to his neck and then went to check on Gavin. The kid was asleep with his bedside lamp still on as well as the television. She turned both off, tucked the blankets around him a little more snugly, then exited the room, making sure not to close the door tightly in case Crank wanted to join him.

Pepper thought about going downstairs to get a glass of wine, but she’d been doing a little too much of that lately, and thought maybe it was time to back off on the alcohol a bit. She saw the slippery slope of numbing her feelings and did not want to go down that road. She wandered back to the bedroom instead.

Pepper climbed onto the bed and grabbed the remote control for the TV. She turned it on and scanned through the channels, but wasn’t really paying attention to any of the shows that flicked by, screen after screen. She knew she was going to have to have a serious conversation with Gabe about the future, but couldn’t figure out when or how to start. The only time Gavin wasn’t around was when he was asleep in bed at night. But by then, Gabe was exhausted from the day and was in no position to make any decisions or have clear thoughts about anything important. The only answer seemed to be to arrange for a babysitter so that she and Gabe could have some time to themselves. Vetting one through an agency would take more time than Pepper was willing to spend. She wished she knew a neighborhood teenage girl who could do it, but they didn’t seem to exist anymore. The younger variety of female in her neighborhood seemed more interested in their iPhones, shopping with their parents’ money, and boys.

Then the idea lit up in her mind like a light bulb.
Aiden
! Pepper remembered how Gavin had responded to Aiden and thought he would be the perfect person to take the kid for a couple of hours so that she and Gabe could have the “come to Jesus” moment they needed.

Vowing to call him to arrange it the next day, she was brought out of her own head by the appearance of Gabe at the bedside. He was wrapped in his white, fluffy, terrycloth bathrobe and smiling at her. “Make room for me?”

Pepper grinned and scooted over so he could climb into bed beside her. “You can have the warm spot.”

Gabe snuggled beneath the covers and laid his head on her lap. “Thank you.”

“That was a pretty short bath. Are you okay?” She stroked his back and played with the hair at his temple. Of all the terrible side effects of the chemo, he had not lost a strand of his thick, wavy hair. Pepper wasn’t sure, but she thought he might have been glad. Except for the weight loss, he still looked much like himself. He said it was a reminder that he could still pretend to be normal, even if he wasn’t.

“Aces, love. Just didn’t feel like pruning up tonight.”

Pepper debated whether or not to tell him about her plan for enlisting Aiden as a babysitter, and then finally decided it was better to do it. The last thing she wanted was to start the conversation off on a bad note.

“Gabe?”

“Hmm?”

“I was thinking we could ask Aiden to babysit so we could maybe have some time to ourselves?”

“Hmm.” Gabe nuzzled her stomach. “Tired of motherhood already?”

Pepper smirked and pulled his hair a little.

“Ow!”

“You deserved that. No, I’m not tired of Gavin. There are some things I think we should talk about and I don’t want him around for that. Don’t you agree?”

Gabe leaned up on his elbow and looked at her. She tried to not look scared, but Pepper knew it was useless. She pretty much looked petrified all the time now.

“You’re right. I think Aiden is the perfect choice.”

“Think he’ll do it?” Pepper didn’t want to let out a huge sigh of relief because that would only upset Gabe to know how nervous she had been.

“Come now, he’ll do anything for us. You should know that by now.”

Pepper nodded and put her fingers back through his hair as he laid back down in her lap. “I know. One of these days he’s going to tell us to get bent.”

Gabe snorted. “Unlikely. He’s a glutton for punishment.”

Pepper wished she could feel more relieved than she did, but the actual conversation would be a lot harder than just getting Gabe to agree to have it.

Aiden arrived promptly at noon to take Gavin to the waterpark. Promising not to have him home before six, the two hopped into Aiden’s Prius and zoomed off for the afternoon.
I wonder if a Lexus would be too much of a gift
? Pepper remembered her promise to do something crazy for Aiden.

Pepper and Gabe watched them go, then went back inside. Before she could say a word, he started the ball rolling. Sort of. “Well, love, where shall we have ‘the talk’? Out on the patio?” Gabe sounded a lot like his old self, even if he didn’t look it.

“I know you aren’t hungry, but you really should eat something. Can I make some soup?”

Gabe’s nod was more than a little reluctant. Pepper didn’t let him change his mind and was in the kitchen in a hot minute warming up some leftover soup Vivienne had brought over. Making sure to grab lots of crackers, she carried a tray out to the patio where he waited. He had chosen to sit on the chaise, his long legs stretched out before him. Pepper put the tray on his lap and then sat near his feet so she could watch him eat.

Gabe took the tray and put it on the ground. “I’m not ready yet. Let’s have a chat first, yeah?”

“All right.”

Gabe sighed and then reached for Pepper’s hands. He squeezed them tightly in his own and then leaned over to kiss the tops of them both. “I love you.”

“You suck!” Pepper sniffled. “You had to go in for the kill right away? You couldn’t have toyed with me first?” She pulled a hand away to swipe at the tears already spilling onto her cheeks.

Gabe chuckled. “I’m sorry. I just wanted you to know that I love you.”

“Have I ever doubted it?”

“No, of course not, shame on me.”

“Yes. Shame on you.” Pepper stuck her tongue out and Gabe laughed.

“I don’t want you to worry about a thing. I’ve already had my will drawn up. Some provisions were made for certain charities and I am leaving Aiden a tidy sum. But most everything has been left to you. “

Pepper’s jaw dropped and she gaped like a mackerel. “Why? Why would you have done that?”

Gabe raised an eyebrow. “Seriously? You’re my wife. Who else would I leave it to?”

“But Gavin–”

“Darling, I had the papers drawn up before I knew about my son. I am having some changes made to include him and to set up a trust fund.” Gabe cocked his head to the side. “That is all right, isn’t it?”

“You nitwit, why the hell would you ask me that? You should leave
all
of it to him.”

“Bollocks. You’re my wife. Of course I would provide for you. You’re being totally silly about this.”

Pepper pursed her lips at him. “I am not. I just, I mean, it’s too much. I didn’t think, or, what I’m trying to say–”

Gabe gave her a wink. “I know you didn’t marry me for my money, dear.”

Pepper pulled her hands free to playfully slap at his. “You’re being a butt. This is
not
how I imagined this conversation going.”

There was merriment on his face now and he was clearly enjoying himself, to Pepper’s chagrin. “I can only guess what you thought would happen. Tears and bemoaning the fates. Much boo-hooing and both of us wrapping cement blocks around our necks and then jumping into the pool, yeah?”

“No!” Pepper looked aghast. That was a
lot
like how she’d pictured things, well, except for the suicide part.

“There’s no need to be maudlin about this, Pepper.” Gabe sat up a little straighter. “We were given the bad news in October. We knew then the chances of coming out alive were extremely slim. I’ve processed it. Continue to process it every minute of every day. While I’m certainly not happy about dying, the fact of the matter is, I am going to. Quite soon, in fact. The only thing I can do now is spend as much time with you and Gavin as I can. I refuse to be sad and mopey. I am making the conscious choice to avoid that behavior.”

Pepper rocked backwards a little, blown away by his words and demeanor. It was just more proof to her that she had married the kindest and most loving, wonderful man on the planet. Who else in this situation could go through and look at it with such grace and dignity? She didn’t know anyone. She owed it to Gabe to be the same way. It didn’t matter how scared or angry or sad she felt, she was going to project the same positivity and calm that he did. Even if she had to scream into a pillow, in the car, in the garage for a half hour every night. He deserved nothing less.

“What else did you want to discuss?” Gabe asked, his left eyebrow raised.

Pepper was about to shrug and say that that was it because it didn’t feel right asking for anything more. He was already taking things into his own hands and deciding how to face the future. She wasn’t sure if she had the right to ask him to do it in a certain way.

“Spit it out, love. I can see the hamster wearing out the wheel in your head.”

She smirked and flipped him off. “Okay,” Pepper started, “it’s the dying at home thing.”

Gabe held up a hand to stop her. “Yes, I knew we’d get around to that. I’m sorry I even brought it up but I was still in the hospital then and my knickers were right scared off. I realize that dying at home is not a possibility, in light of Gavin being here. He needs to feel safe and comfortable. If I died here, I don’t know how that would traumatize him. He’s suffered enough.”

Pepper felt like she’d won the emotional lottery. One of the knots in her back unloosed itself and it seemed like she could breathe again. Another one of the twists in her stomach disappeared and the smell of the soup from the tray wafted into her nose. She actually thought she might feel hungry again someday.

“Shall we go on to the funeral arrangements or have we had enough for one day?”

Pepper laughed and clapped her hands together in her lap. “Might as well lay all the cards out on the table. Then once it’s done, it’s done. We don’t have to discuss it again.” She brought up her hands and waved them at herself. “Bring it. Gimme whatcha got.”

Gabe hesitated, then shook his head. “I was going to feed you a whole line of shite about how I wanted a traditional British funeral and a video display as well as a marching band at the service, but I think I’ve given you enough of a shock for one day. In all honesty, I just want something small and simple. Under no circumstance is there to be any public funeral at all. Is that clear?”

Pepper nodded and crossed her heart with her index finger. “I swear it. Do you want it in the paper?”

“Well, I hardly think we can avoid that. I’ll prepare a statement myself that you can provide to the news outlets. Aiden will make all the necessary phone calls when the deed is done.”

“Oh no! He’s already done so much!”

“Would you rather do it, love?”

Pepper shivered. “No. But I will. It isn’t fair to Aiden.”

Gabe waved a hand indicating his indifference. “I won’t argue with you. I’ll be dead and not concerned. I only hope you know that Aiden loves you as much as he loves me. He will always want to help and support. If that means calling on him to do something you can’t bring yourself to do, don’t hesitate. That would right piss him off more than not being asked to do something in the first place.”

“I understand.” Pepper would just have to play it by ear. She couldn’t really judge what was going to happen once Gabe did die. She might turn into a molten pile of goo right there when it happened. She had no way of knowing.

“Why do you even want a funeral?” Pepper couldn’t help asking. Maybe she didn’t have the right, but since religion and church and all of that hadn’t been on the radar since they met, her curiosity demanded to be fed like a cat who wanted the catnip.

“It’s really just for Gavin so he can pay his respects. He was brought up in a way that included funerals as an ordinary thing. He might feel odd if he doesn’t get to say what he thinks is a proper goodbye to me.”

It made sense to Pepper. Gabe hadn’t made any huge shift in belief just because he got cancer. He was thinking about his son.

“He told me about his mother’s funeral, you know.” Gabe closed his eyes and rubbed his fingers over them. “I’ll not burden you with the details. Suffice it to say, he was very confused by the conversations he was privy to. I’ll not have any of that when I’m gone.”

“Absolutely not.” Pepper
really
wanted to know what all that was about, but it was clear Gabe wasn’t sharing. Maybe someday Gavin would tell her himself. “Should I use the minister who married us?”

“Perfect. Just a short service with a couple of prayers I’ll choose. Let people speak if they want, but the faster the better.”

“Cremation or burial?”

“Oh, burn me to a crisp, love. I wouldn’t want to take up any valuable real estate that could be better used for golf courses or condos.”

Gabe laughed and the sound was comforting to Pepper. She hadn’t heard a real laugh from him in weeks.
He really
has
taken control of this
. “Any particular place you’d like to be sprinkled?”

Gabe put a finger to his temple and thought for a moment. “No. I’ll leave that to you. You can keep me and tote me around as you grow old or you can toss me into the rubbish. Whatever you choose will be fine.”

“Is that it?” she asked.

“Have we covered everything?” he asked.

They laughed again, the sound of their humor mingling together in a familiar way.

But when the sound of it drifted off on the breeze and they were left alone just staring at each other, suddenly it all wasn’t so funny anymore. The familiar pressure on her chest returned and Pepper found she couldn’t take a deep breath anymore. Yes, they had laughed their way through making Gabe’s funeral arrangements, but it was about the most humorless subject she could think of.

“Oh, Gabe. I’m going to miss you.”

Bottom lip trembling, Pepper launched herself into his arms so she could hide her face against his chest. She hadn’t let him see her really cry in quite a long time and she didn’t want to start now, especially after they had managed to clear the air in such a positive way.

“I shall miss you too, my darling, sweet girl. You have been the very best thing that has ever happened to me.”

They rocked back and forth like that for a long time before Pepper was able to pull away to swipe at her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, love.” Gabe took his thumb and wiped away the remaining tears. “Though I hate to see you cry, you’re the most beautiful creature on the planet just now.”

Pepper felt her cheeks grow hot and was surprised she would blush when he’d said the same thing to her a million times. It was then she recognized the look in his eyes and the warmth in her cheeks spread down her neck and even lower than that.

“Come to me.” Gabe held out his arms and Pepper gladly crawled back into them. Intent on only enjoying the feel of his arms on her body, she was pleasantly surprised when his hands began to explore, touching and stroking her most intimate places. Making love had all but gone to the wayside, but he seemed perfectly normal in this moment and Pepper wasn’t about to waste it. She leaned her head back to receive his mouth for a sweet and tender kiss, which bloomed into a passionate clutch. When Gabe began fumbling with the buttons on his shirt, Pepper couldn’t have been happier or sadder. She knew it was most likely the last time the two of them would ever make love.