The Weight of Words (The WORDS Series) (14 page)

“Yeah, I needed a minute. I feel a lot better now, though,” I said.

Lies. All lies
.

The wine had arrived in my absence. A full glass was in front of me.

“How about a toast?” Matt said, lifting his wine.

“Allow me,” I offered, trying my best to sound convincing. “Here’s to putting the past to rest and focusing on new beginnings.”

“I’ll drink to that.” He smiled warmly at me.

I moaned appreciatively as I took a large swallow of wine, thinking,
I’ll drink to anything right about now…

“Mmm, that
is
good.” I licked my lips.

“At that price, it better be,” Matt said with a chuckle.

Then his eyes drifted over my shoulder. In the mirror, I could see Penny returning to their table. Again, Matt was entranced. I watched Daniel stand and pull her chair out.

“Hey, isn’t that—? Yeah,
it is!
That’s your TA guy from last night. He’s her date,” he said, his eyes wide.

I feigned confusion. “What’s that?” I glanced over my shoulder, as if noticing him for the first time. “Well, so it is. That’s a coincidence, huh?”

“Lucky bastard,” Matt muttered.

Lucky bitch
, I thought.

“He must have some coin,” Matt said. “That’s one hell of a nice suit.”

Matt was right. With his beautifully cut suit and the pale blue shirt open at the neck, Daniel looked impossibly hot. And lo and behold, he’d shaved and brushed his hair. Even from this distance, I could tell that when he shaved, his jawline was even more chiseled.

It occurred to me that not only did he have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing going on with his behavior, but he was also sporting a similar split personality with his appearance. At school, TA Daniel looked like something the cat had dragged in, whereas in his private life he could double as a male runway model.

I decided to rename him. Henceforth, he would be Dr. Hobo, the shabbily dressed and hygienically challenged doctoral candidate who morphed into Mr.
GQ
when the sun went down. Either way, he was gorgeous. He’d probably be hot as hell wearing a potato sack, but
this
get-up?
This
was staggering.

Matt was swishing his wine around in his glass.

“You okay?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said with a tight smile. “Thinking.”

Oh, believe me, dude, I know.

We drank our wine in companionable silence for a while, and though I tried not to, I glanced occasionally in the mirror at Daniel and Penny. They were laughing and having a grand old time. At one point, Daniel took her left hand in his and rubbed his thumb across the ring on her finger. The hardened pebble that had taken the place of my heart cracked in two.

Luckily our entrées arrived a few moments later, and I tried to focus on my dinner. The plates were works of art. There was a reason the meals were forty dollars a pop. I hoped the other reason had to do with the taste. Raymond refilled our wine, asked if there was anything we needed, and when we said we were fine he moved on.

My meal cheered me up somewhat. The tuna was exquisite. I assumed Matt’s food was the same. He closed his eyes as he chewed, looking like he’d been transported to heaven.

“You have to try this,” he said, cutting off a slice of his prime rib. He held his fork over to me and—I don’t know why I did it—I gazed into his eyes, reached over to hold his hand in place, and seductively tugged the meat off the fork with my teeth, licking my lips slowly afterward.

Stunned, Matt watched my mouth as I chewed.

“Wanna try mine?” I asked, gazing up at him from under my lashes.

“Um, well, yeah, sure,” he stammered.

I cut off a piece of tuna and leaned forward, holding out my fork. He mimicked my gesture, holding my hand while he took the tuna from the fork.

“Good, huh?” I asked.

“Incredible,” he said, looking at me in wonder.

I smiled brilliantly and finished my second glass of wine.

“Want some more?” Matt held up the wine bottle.

“Absolutely.” I stretched my leg out under the table and slipped the toe of my stiletto under the cuff of his pant leg.

The combination of wine-buzz and heartbreak was doing strange things to me, but Matt seemed to be enjoying it. He smiled and shook his head, continuing to eat zealously. About halfway through my meal, I pushed my plate aside and turned my attention to my wine glass, a warm glow enveloping me as I continued to drink. I picked up the bottle. There was a tiny splash left.

“Go ahead,” Matt urged.

I emptied it into my glass and continued to sip at it while Matt finished his meal. Raymond walked by, and Matt stopped him to ask for some more water. “I have a feeling I’m going to need this,” he said, gesturing to his water glass as he poured his remaining wine into my glass.

“Matt, are you trying to get me drunk?” I asked.

“Possibly,” he said, smiling and raising one eyebrow suggestively.

He placed his knife and fork across his now empty plate.

“You ordering dessert?” I asked, my voice a little breathy.

“Hell no,” he said, staring at my mouth.

“Wanna go?”

“Hell yes.”

He got Raymond’s attention and requested the bill. I worked my way through Matt’s last glass of wine, and when Raymond returned, Matt put his credit card in the waiter’s hand.

“No, Matt, that’s not what we agreed on,” I protested.

“Now, what kind of Valentine would I be if I didn’t pay for my girl?” he said, flashing his white-toothed smile.

Raymond returned with Matt’s credit card slip. “This isn’t over,” I said, gesturing to the bill as he signed it.

He stood up and held my chair out for me. “Whatever you say, Aubs.”

As I turned around, I allowed myself one final glance at Daniel and Penny. They were eating their meals, chatting animatedly. Penny looked up as Matt rounded the corner of the table to place his hand gently on my lower back. She gave me a silent thumbs-up. I wanted to shout across the restaurant, telling her what she could do with that thumb. Before bending to that rather inappropriate compulsion, I moved quickly with Matt to reclaim our coats.

The ride down in the elevator was uncomfortable. I don’t think Matt knew what to make of my behavior. Hell,
I
didn’t even know what I was doing. I was buzzing, warmth spreading throughout my whole body. I wasn’t sure the wine was completely to blame.

As we crossed the lobby to the revolving doors, Matt grabbed my hand like he’d done earlier. I squeezed it, and he rubbed his thumb along the top of my knuckles and smiled at me. Outside, we hailed a cab, and I was relieved to find that there was no vomit stench in this one. Matt gave the driver our address and leaned back in the seat, still holding my hand.

My heart was flipping around, more in panic than anything else. What the hell was I doing? I couldn’t reason. I was tipsy, but I certainly wasn’t drunk. I was completely aware of what was happening, but some force was dragging me along and I felt powerless to fight it.

Matt released my hand and brought his fingertips up to touch my cheek. Then he moved his face toward mine and kissed me tenderly. He pulled back to look at me, measuring my reaction. I closed my eyes and leaned into him, reciprocating his kiss with one of my own. It was sweet and lovely and gentle. He didn’t stick his tongue down my throat or throw me back against the seat of the car. He just pressed his lips warmly against mine, and then moved back to his side of the seat.

We rode in silence like that, holding hands and gazing at each other from time to time. When we arrived back at Jackman, I pulled a twenty dollar bill from my purse and handed it to the driver. Matt helped me out of the cab, and we made our way upstairs. Inside the apartment, Matt flicked on a couple of lamps and helped me with my coat. He took off his suit jacket and draped it over the back of the chair before turning around and wrapping his arms around my waist. I put my arms around his neck and let him kiss me again, and this time he ran his tongue gently against my lips before tentatively sliding it in my mouth.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t carried away in a wave of passion or anything, but it was a nice kiss and it was pretty wonderful feeling him exploring my tongue with his. He finally broke away from me, his breathing shallow and restrained. He took me by the hand and led me into my bedroom, pulling me onto the bed with him.

We kissed and he pressed himself against me, and there was something I never thought I’d feel—Matt’s erection. And it was rubbing against my thigh. Unbidden images of Daniel played behind my eyes. I imagined this was his mouth, his tongue, his body pressed hard against me. Matt groaned against my lips but pulled away quickly, leaning his forehead on mine and whispering, “Aubrey, what are we doing?”

“I don’t know,” I whispered back. “I’m trying not to think.”

He rolled onto his back and put his hands over his face. “You have no idea how much I want this right now,” he said.

I pulled his hands away from his eyes. “Then what are you doing?”

“God, I don’t know! Being the good guy, I guess.” He looked at me, anguish in his eyes. “You know I love you, Aub. I always have. But if I’ve got some crazy rebound thing going on…well…I don’t know. I’d hate myself if I hurt you. Can we give this some time? Maybe see how we feel after Reading Week?”

Wait, was he rejecting me? Oh my God, this couldn’t be happening! I tried not to overreact.

“I thought this was what you wanted,” I said, my voice strained.

“It
is
,” he said tracing circles on my cheek with his thumb. “I’m just not sure about the timing. And there’s something going on with you. I don’t know what it is, but you’re not yourself right now. I know we should
not
be doing this tonight.”

“Maybe you’re right.” I sighed in resignation, flopping onto my back.

“We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?” he said. He leaned over to kiss me tenderly once more. “I had a great time tonight.”

“Me too,” I whispered.

He crossed the room, stopping at the door. “Goodnight, Aub. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

“Yep. You too.”

That’s all I could manage before my throat tightened with restrained tears.

Chapter 12

Heart on Sleeve

But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve
For daws to peck at: I am not what I am.
(
Othello
, Act I, Scene 1)

W
HEN
I W
OKE
U
P
S
UNDAY
M
ORNING
, the first thing I saw was my dress hanging over the chair in the corner. It would be going through the shredder. How could I ever allow the Double-Rejection Dress to touch my skin again? I wanted nothing to remind me of the events that had transpired the night before.

Lord, I was tired. I’d tossed and turned for three hours in the wake of Matt’s magnanimous decision to cock block himself, and I didn’t feel rested at all.

Glaring at the yellow carnations, I grabbed the entire bunch and dumped them unceremoniously into the garbage. I regretted the irrational impulse almost immediately, so I replaced them in the vase. I was being completely immature. Matt was right. If we’d gone any farther last night, we’d both be stewing in regret right now—probably for different reasons—but nevertheless, we’d both be sorry. I was lucky he’d had the self-control to pull the rip cord on the proceedings.

Why on earth had I behaved like that? Was I developing feelings for Matt beyond the easy friendship and sisterly love I’d felt for him for years? No, of course I wasn’t. I’d been reeling from seeing Penny and Daniel together, from discovering their engagement. I was beside myself with envy, pure and simple. I’d sought an ego-boost, and I was prepared to use Matt to placate my own wounded pride. I needed to apologize and clear the air, and I needed to do it now.

I ventured out into the living room. All was silent. Matt’s door was closed. On the kitchen counter beside the coffee maker, I found a note.

Aubrey,
I’ve gone to the gym to work out. Will probably
hang at Kap for a bit after. See you later.
We need to talk!
-M

As much as I wanted to talk to him and hash things out, I was relieved he wasn’t home. I could do with a few more hours to sort out my thoughts and bring things into focus. I’d have to tread carefully. I didn’t want to hurt Matt’s feelings or bruise his ego, and knowing my luck, now that I’d decided last night’s events were a terrible mistake, he was probably thinking it was all a wonderful prelude to a short engagement and fall wedding.