The Weight of Water (9 page)

Arlene shows me the message:

Guess what Cassie woz

doin with Will at the

swimming pool?!

SLAG!!!

Now I’m scared to talk to William,

Or even look at him,

In case they think

It’s true.

When I go into the cloakroom,

All the girls from my class

Stop talking and

Stand with their

Arms folded,

Glaring.

Clair is there,

Of course.

         
 In the middle.

And she is simply smiling.

‘Why won’t you talk to me?’

William asks at lunch.

He is frowning

At the floor.

I can’t answer.

I am ashamed

Of the rumours;

I want them to stop.

I want them to stop

More than I want him

To kiss me.

When Boys Fight

A drove of spectators circles them

Baying for bruises and blood

And chanting

Like football fans

Or football hooligans –

Fight. Fight. Fight.

And no one stops this easy entertainment –

They just sell more tickets.

When two boys fight they are like

Warring walruses:

         
 They plough into each other

         
       Thumping and cracking,

         
 Faces tight, fists curled,

And they do not stop

Until there is a winner,

Until there is no more need to fight.

Sometimes it cannot end this way.

If a teacher shows up it ends when they are

         
 Forced

         
               apart

And taken, in all their bloody glory,

To the headteacher

Where they are spoken to

About fighting,

About using their fists

To settle squabbles.

And either way, it seems a better fix

Than whispers and giggles.

So maybe what I should do is

         
 Hit Clair –

         
 Knock her down

And we could brawl in the playground too,

With everyone watching.

Then people would know

I’d been in a battle.

Late Nights

There is a flu epidemic –

Old people are sick with feverish coughing,

So Mama works late; she helps nurses

Change beds, mop vomit,

Deliver meals around the wards.

For a few glorious days

We don’t search the streets,

And I am grateful.

Mama asks Kanoro to watch me.

We sit on the floor in his room

Eating meat rolled in flat bread,

Guzzling tall glasses of cold milk.

Kanoro remembers stories

Of elephants and tribal chiefs.

They are myths and histories

Meant to entertain,

They are not his own truths,

         
 not for me.

Yet I tell him about William.

I tell him all about William and the

Tumblings in my tummy,

And he nods with a knowing

That makes me blush.

And then I speak about Tata,

Destroy the sugary fiction

Mama has tried to turn into truth.

I tell him,

‘In Poland there is a saying:

         
Running away makes you guilty.

I am afraid of what we will find,

Kanoro, if we ever find Tata.’

And he says,

‘I told Ola, I told your mother,

         
Do not follow a person

         
Who is running away,

But she will not listen.

She does not understand.

She loves your Tata,

         
 I think.’

Kanoro shakes his head

And offers me more peppery lamb

Which I take and eat,

Chewing on the gristle

And swallowing it.

Life Saver

We are in an empty swimming pool.

The water is warm and for some reason

There is sun on my face.

I am in the deep end wearing arm bands

To stop me going under.

William is there too.

But he isn’t in the pool.

He’s in the lifeguard’s chair

Watching as I struggle to stay afloat.

Finally he jumps into the pool

Straight from the chair.

I’m kicking, sinking, but

He drags me to the side,

Up on to the pool’s edge

And gives me mouth to mouth.

His lips and mine are wet

As they press together and

His breath fills me up.

I don’t need resuscitation

But he has his hands on my chest

Between my breasts,

And he’s pushing and pushing

Trying to jump-start my heart.

When I awake I am gasping.

Then I roll over and see Mama watching.

She’s bleary-eyed and half asleep

But even so, I do not want to

Have dreams like this

Lying next to my mother.

Higher

We are in the park

On the swings

But I don’t feel like a little kid

Because we are not swinging,

Just swaying.

William takes out his cigarettes

And offers me one.

This time I shake my head – no –

And he doesn’t care.

He puts the cigarettes back into the recess

Of his blazer

And sways –

Not forward and back

But side to side

On the swing

So as he comes close

I can smell him,

I can smell his chewing gum.

Then he gets off his swing and starts to push me

So I am swinging

Higher and

         
 Higher.

And I am laughing because,

Actually,

I
do
feel like a little kid

After all.

And I like it.

Dear William

I don’t want you to write a poem for me

But it would be nice if you did.

And if you bought a rose for me

It would be OK too

But I don’t want you to buy flowers

Necessarily.

I don’t want you to carry my book bag

But if you feel like doing that

Spontaneously

I wouldn’t stop you.

I wouldn’t stop you being romantic

If that’s what
you
wanted.

First Kiss

Oh God.

Oh God.

It is so embarrassing

When he tries to kiss me

And our faces collide like cars

In a traffic accident.

As he leans in

I open my mouth

Too

         
                 Wide

Like a yawn

And his pursed lips disappear into

The hollow of my mouth

So I feel like I am swallowing

Him.

He pulls away.

He looks at me like he

Is trying to figure out an algebra problem.

I am too difficult for him.

When he turns away,

Because he is embarrassed too,

I still have my mouth open

Yawn

         
                 Wide

But now it’s because I am in shock

From the accident

And I can’t close it.

Assembly

Why would Clair

Steal a pair of scissors from the art room

And then,

Sitting behind me in assembly,

Listening to the Head of Year

Make announcements,

Cut chunks from my hair?

I was trying to grow it.

I was trying to get it right.

Her stunt makes the others girls

Tee-hee-hee.

At least she got some
tee-hee

Titters from it.

Later Clair apologises,

Hands back my hair and,

With big eyes and a sticky pout says,

‘Don’t be like that, Cassie,

Was just a joke. Innit?’

What kind of joke is this?

Maybe it’s an English joke

I can’t yet understand.

But I suspect I understand

Perfectly.

No Offence, But . . .

I shouldn’t take things the wrong way

Because they are ‘just joking’

And they mean ‘no offence’

And they laugh –
ha ha ha
–

Because ‘not really’

Makes everything they do

Mean nothing

At all.

Wrath

I will find a way

To take revenge

On Clair,

For the hair –

And on her whispering friends too.

I will find a way

To watch with glee

As Clair

Feels despair

Along with her

Cheerleaders.

I can be angry.

Not always

Good Kasienka,

As Mama thinks.

Teachers