The Unexpected Life of Carnegie Lane (27 page)

Carnegie Lane, mother of four, idol to inanimate objects and almost author was suddenly and unexpectedly alone in an airport.

So hard finding inspiration, I knew you’d find me

Crying, tell those girls with rifles for minds

That their jokes, don’t make me laugh

They only make me feel like dying

In an unguarded moment.

“
Unguarded Moment”

Written by Stephen Kilbey and Michelle Parker

The Church – Of Skins and Heart Album 1981

15

The
plane trip back to Bundaberg held nowhere near the enthusiasm of arriving in Brisbane. Both Sobian and Olivia were still on their high, simply for having been able to live the teenage dream. Sienna was tired, and certainly let her mother know that her nine year old had the ability to complain and become impossible once company had left.

Connor was working in his mind a new set of torments for his little sister. Carnegie didn’t care, she wasn’t there. Her body was present but her mind was absent. Right now, it was still the same old story, in so many ways. Girl meets boy. They fall in love. Boy flies away into the sunset.

Did they really happen? Did she matter at all, now the cameras were gone? Walking into the car park at Bundaberg Airport was like a silent echo of laughter, every step dragging them further apart. Every footstep saying ‘
you wish
’.

I guess that was the whole point. Carnegie Lane didn’t wish for any of this. She never asked for Nate Bowman to come. She definitely didn’t beg for tickets, and least of all, she never expected to be left reeling from a whirlwind affair. Right now the level of vulnerability was beyond her. All she wanted was to get home, survive the drive, and go back to what was familiar. The music that set her free.

Seconds became hours, although they took their time, feeling like an eternity between each tick of the clock. Sleep was good, it would give her some comfort. Especially since there
was
no phone call, even though she waited. The fact she told him not to call didn’t matter. She was a woman, she clearly didn’t mean it!

The next morning, Carnegie Lane got up, long before her children did. She sat out the back on her verandah with a cup of coffee, fighting the daylight, wishing it to stay away. Not today. Just not today.

Nate Bowman was awake in his hotel in Sydney. He had two hours before he needed to get ready for his first television interview. Even though he had every opportunity to sleep, he tossed and turned, unable to do so. Every second, felt like a thousand hours, every minute felt like a life time.

Each time he closed his eyes, he saw Carnegie Lane and four children that had come to matter to him more than he believed possible. He wondered if she was awake. If he had known where she was right now, he would have called her and made a million promises all over again. Nate Bowman had waited nearly twenty years to find Carnegie, maybe not exactly her, just someone like her. She was about to go and get her career on track, which was a good thing. He knew it was impossible for her to be with him, although today of all days, he wished she was.

He didn’t understand the feeling he couldn’t shake, or even why it was there. Underneath his happiness, he had a sense it was all going to end. Nate Bowman didn’t like endings, it’s one of the reasons he was determined to keep his career going strongly for so long. To stop would mean to remember and in that ending would surface the memories of his life, some he had worked hard to forget.

Time had proven that some things were harder to walk away from than others. Nate walked to the sliding doors in his hotel, and stepped out onto the small balcony at the Park Hyatt, overlooking the Sydney Harbour bridge and the Opera House. He stood there silently for a moment, just taking in the scenery and the experience of a new environment.

“Happy Birthday Taylor.” He said softly and to no one but the ghost he knew was always there. “Happy Birthday.”

Lilli woke up early in Missouri. Today was the one day of the year she made an extended effort to visit old friends. Her children organized, and her husband off to work, Lilli got in her car and drove to the florist. Then she made her way across town, over to the Nursing Home where Taylor’s mother lived now.

She walked through the hallways, listening to the sounds, recognizing the agony and sadness that went along with this place. She stopped when she reached the room she was looking for and walked inside.

Lilli sat down in the chair opposite the old woman and gently took her hand. There was no resistance.

“Barbara, it’s Lilli, Lilli Bowman. Do you remember me?” She asked the same question every year.

It was hard to know if she did remember her, sometimes she thought her eyes could see her, other times, she wondered if she was looking beyond, at a ghost from her past.

“It’s Taylor’s birthday today, I bought you some flowers.” Lilli stood up and found a vase, she put some water in it from the sink in Barbara’s room and then, placed the flowers on a small table in front of her, so she could see them clearly.

“These were her favorite. Remember how much she loved daisies and yellow roses?”

There was no answer, although Barbara was looking at the flowers.

Lilli sat with her for a while, she told her about her children, about her husband. She talked about graduation, and the day Taylor won the cheerleading competition. She reminded Barbara about how Taylor dreamed of singing on Broadway. It was then that Barbara would smile, as if she could see her daughter in her lead roles again, performing for the school. Still, she said nothing.

Lilli was just about to leave, when Barbara suddenly came to life.

“I see her you know…Taylor. She comes here sometimes.”

“What?” Lilli asked. She was not so shocked with what she said, it was the fact she spoke at all.

“Taylor, she visits me when she can. Such a busy girl. Always planning….planning.”

Lilli went at sat back by her bed. Suddenly she had her entire attention.

“Planning what?”

“Planning a way to leave. She can’t leave you know. Not until Nate let’s her go.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know what I’m talking about Lilli, you remember. You were there.”

“It was a long time ago Barbara. A very long time ago.”

“Yes it was. That’s why she brought her to him. She worked very hard to choose, who would become her replacement.”

Lilli’s heart was thumping at a million miles an hour. This conversation was spooky, although for a long time, she had a feeling Taylor was around. She didn’t know how, or even question why. It was just something that would come over her, like an energy, or a memory.”

“What replacement Barbara?”

“Taylor’s replacement…for your brother, so he will let her go and be happy.”

“Do you know her name?” Lilli believed she knew her name, she also knew Barbara would have no idea who she was. It would be impossible.

“Of course dear…Taylor tells me everything. Her name is Carnegie….Carnegie Lane.” Barbara looked up at Lilli, then as quickly as she had come to life, her eyes dulled and once again, she became vacant.

Even though Barbara was no longer there…she began to sing the words of a song…with absent eyes… “
It’s alright baby I’m doing the best that I can… I’m trying hard to change but I’m doing the best that I can…
”

Lilli wanted to get up and run, run and never stop. She got herself together as best she could and walked out the door. There were some things in her life she chose not to delve into. Speaking with the dead was one of them. Although she was happy to talk to Taylor, she always dreaded the moment she would talk back.

The day was warm, it was always warm in July. Although Lilli felt cold, as if December was bearing down on her. She got in her car and began to drive home. She decided it was time to call Kat. Even though she wouldn’t disclose the conversation between Barbara and herself, it was time to get a run down on exactly who Carnegie Lane was, and what it was she had written.

As she drove, the song she had run away from came into her mind. She could hear Taylor singing it, a long time ago standing on a stage in front of the school all eyes on her, yet when she finished, there was no applause, instead there was a sense of foreboding.

Those lyrics were significant, the words haunted her then, they haunted her still. The memory came flooding back, watching Taylor two days before she died singing a song that proved to be her last. Now here it was again playing again in her mind as if it were yesterday.

“
Because fame causes fortune and fortune takes it away, fortune causes nightmares, nightmares that make you crazy. But it’s alright baby I’m doing the best that I can. And I paid a price for it.”

Hours became days and two days later, Carnegie Lane was still moping around the house. Mostly she was trying to get her head around going to London, which in her mind, made her think that in some way she would be further away from
him
than she already was. She was distracted by the phone. This time she ran to it, as if answering it was the most important thing in the world.

“Hello.”

“Oh God it’s good to hear your voice.”

“Nate…”

“Hi…”

They just remained silent, knowing that if nothing more, somehow they were together.

“Wow…” She said, recognizing how bizarre this was becoming.

“Well, Sydney is nice. Wish you were here.”

“Don’t go there, I wish I was too.”

“How’s the kids?”

“Yeah, so so, same same.”

“Found a sitter for them yet?”

“No, haven’t thought about it, I think the only option is to bite the bullet and call their father.”

“Do you think he will come?”

“I’ll leave him no choice. I have to do it soon though, otherwise, he might not be able to get time off work.”

“Oh yeah, of course.”

“Nate, tell me I’m not going crazy. I miss you so much.”

“You’re a distraction, Carnegie Lane. I miss you too.”