“Hurts,” he said. “We just got back from the doctor, and there’s a whole lot of shit that I’m not supposed to do for a while. Like read.”
“All right…” I tried to imagine getting through a week at Harkness without reading. “How’s that supposed to work?”
“Exactly. This week Mom is coming to class with me to take notes.”
“No shit?” I stopped walking just outside of the Harkness Commons dining hall to finish our conversation.
“No shit. And I have no idea how long this will last. Shoot me.”
“God, I’m sorry, G.” And I really was. The sound of his voice did something to me, too. It made me realize how badly I missed him. There was a reason I put up with the whole stealthy-like-a-ninja act. He was important to me, whether it was convenient or not. “Can I come over tonight?”
He cleared his throat. “There’s a whole lot of things I’m not supposed to do.”
“Okay. Is talking to me one of them?”
“No,” he laughed.
“I’ll text you before I come, just to make sure the coast is clear. But that means you’ll actually have to text me back.”
“Sorry about that,” he said. “But it hurts when I look at the screen.”
And now I felt like an ass. “Shit. Should I call instead?”
“I’ll ring you when it’s all clear.”
All clear
. As if I was a criminal.
Christ
. “Be well, G. I miss you.”
He cleared his throat. “Later.”
Sigh
.
That afternoon I went to practice.
I hadn’t seen any of my teammates since the weirdness at the hospital. For some reason I felt more awkward about walking into the locker room than I ever had before. I’d always wished that Graham could be with me in a way that wasn’t like a state secret. But I’d always understood his struggle, too. He didn’t want eyes on him. I got that.
But now all those eyes were on me as I walked into the locker room. Or at least it felt like they were. I was pretty sure that a couple of conversations stopped as I entered the room.
I didn’t even know what to think about that, other than I knew that Graham wouldn’t like it.
Hartley greeted me with a familiar nod, and I began stripping out of my jacket and jeans, and pulling on my pads.
“How is he?” Hartley asked in a voice too low to be overheard.
“He feels better, but the news is still shitty,” I said. “There’s nothing he can do, and his mom is, like, his permanent nursemaid.”
“Fuck,” Hartley said.
“Yeah,” I agreed. Although I would have chosen a different expression. Because fucking was off the table, apparently.
The locker room door opened and Coach’s voice rang out. “Afternoon, hooligans! Listen up, I have news.” The chatter and smack talk died down. “Now, I’m sorry to tell you that Mike Graham’s concussion is going to keep him off the ice, probably for the rest of the season. I am sad as hell to lose him. Furthermore, Davis’s tendinitis is going to keep him out for another two games. But fear not! I have I brought you some back-up. For a limited engagement only, please welcome Bridger McCaulley back to the room.”
“No shit!” somebody yelled. And then cheers and applause practically thundered off the walls as a red-haired guy appeared in the doorway, pulling a hockey bag behind him. He smiled a little sheepishly, this guy that I’d replaced in the fall.
“Suit up fast, Bridger. Ice in ten minutes!” Coach yelled. “We’ll sort out who’s switching to defense this afternoon. Everybody skate hard, and it will all work out.”
Hartley waved Bridger over, holding up a hand for a high-five. “Glad to see you here, man,” he said.
“Yeah? We’ll see if you’re still glad ninety minutes from now,” Bridger said. He turned to me and stuck out a hand. “I’m Bridger. Nice to meet you.”
“Rikker,” I said, shaking his hand.
“I know,” he drawled. “Didn’t know I was going to be replaced by a celebrity.”
“Yeah, well. It was my lifelong dream to be famous for getting kicked off a hockey team. But if you need an autograph or anything, I can probably fit you in.”
Bridger grinned. Then he glanced around the locker room. “Hartley, where do you want to put me?”
Right. I was in his spot.
Whoops
.
“Over here, Bridge,” Bella called, waving the guy into the corner, where she was stuffing Bridger’s gear into a bag. “Sorry, we weren’t quite ready for you.”
“No biggie.” He leaned down to unzip his bag, and I turned my back to shrug my chest pads over my head.
“Hey!” Big-D crossed the room to slap Bridger on the back. “Please tell me you’re back permanently. Things just aren’t the same this year.”
My blood pressure spiked. Only Big-D would find a compliment for Bridger which also managed to put me down.
“You’re right,” Bridger said, shaking out his hockey shorts. “What’s different is that you win all the fucking time. But I promise not to wreck it too bad. You only get me for the post-season, anyway. Even playing a handful of games with you is more than I can afford. I’m going to owe my girlfriend for covering for me at home. Big time.”
Big-D snorted. “There is no way that Bridger McCaulley just used the word ‘girlfriend’ in a sentence. We have to meet this girl. I need proof.”
“Yeah, I’m getting that a lot,” Bridger said.
On his way back across the room, Big-D pointed at Trevi’s feet. “Dude, those socks are so gay.”
Everybody looked at Trevi’s socks, even me. They were striped: blue and violet. “My sister knitted them for Christmas,” Trevi said, unconcerned.
“Next time, tell her to…” Big-D cut himself off, putting one hand across his own mouth in an exaggerated gesture. “Oops,” he said, turning back to Bridger. “Forgot to warn you, man. We can’t make gay jokes anymore. Because some people might get offended.” This little performance was put on entirely to embarrass me. On a good day, Big-D didn’t go five minutes without using “gay” to describe anything that displeased him.
“Naw,” I piped up. “You go ahead, Big-D. I don’t give a flying fuck if you say a pair of socks is gay. Or Smitty’s watch, or what-the-fuck-ever. There’s pretty much nothing you can say that will offend me. It only makes me wonder if you know what the word means.”
There was silence in the locker room then.
I should have just shut up, of course. But I was just too strung out to rein myself in. “…Because it would be pretty fuckin’ hard for a pair of socks or a watch to act gay. Those would have to be some really talented socks.” I made quotation marks with my fingers. “
Gay
does not mean bright colors
. Gay
means my mouth on another guy’s dick…”
A loud groan of distress rose up in the locker room.
“Check, please!” Trevi hollered. “No thank you for that visual.”
Hartley gave me a nudge. “Cool it, will you? It’s time to skate.”
Bending over, I yanked on my laces. Usually, I didn’t bait Big-D. And Graham would probably have a coronary if he’d heard what I’d said. But today I just felt so raw. The universe was fucking with me, and I felt like fighting back.
Because that always works.
I almost had my skates tied by the time Bella rolled the hockey bag full of Graham’s gear away from the lockers. Making eye contact with me, she pointed at it, asking if I’d take it to him. With a frown, I gave her a single shake of my head. God forbid I help out Graham by bringing him his gear. He’d have a second coronary, and while they were giving him the defibrillator, he’d ask me if there were any witnesses.
“Let’s go, guys!” Bella called. “Ninety-six hours until the semifinals!”
She was right. We had more games to win. And it was a bad idea to sit around feeling confused about Graham.
Chippy
: irritated with the other team, potentially on the brink of fighting.
—
Graham
Note to self: do not
ever
get another fricking concussion.
They told me that most of the pain would
probably
go away after a week. After that, I’d experience intermittent pain whenever I overdid it. And by “it” they meant everything you use either your brain or your eyes to do.
But the pain wasn’t even the worst part. My clouded thinking was just freaky. Honestly, it felt like being
drunk
all the time. My reaction time was sluggish, and I couldn’t always process what people said to me. It frustrated the crap out of me.
And while I’m on a roll here, I’d add that the doctor warned me that I’d feel emotional.
Sure, dude
, I thought.
Whatever
. But an hour later, when I couldn’t find the words to explain the Roman History syllabus to my mother, I honestly wanted to smash something. And after I got done feeling enraged, I felt really guilty about getting mad. So guilty that I felt like crying. And I haven’t cried for half a decade.
Good times.
My mother had been endlessly patient with me all day. Spending an hour at the doctor’s office meant that I’d missed my two morning classes. But after lunch, I made it to the history class. Actually,
we
made it to history class. Mom was going to have to help me with everything for a while, including note taking.
After that, I napped like a toddler while my mother watched. Then Mom read me a couple of chapters of my psychology textbook. When I’d paged through the book to find where I’d left off, the words had seemed to swim on the page.
I could tell you that it didn’t freak me out, but I’d be lying.
For dinner, Mom and I went out for sushi. By the time eight o’clock came around, I was headachy and exhausted. My mother went back to her hotel, and I told her I was going to go to bed early.
Instead, I left a message for Rikker. Then I put on a Clapton playlist and lay down on my bed to wait for him. But even the desk lamp seemed too bright. So I got up to turn it off. When I lay back down in the dark, I listened to every footstep on the stair, hoping it would be him.
“Hey, G,” a voice whispered in the dark. A pair of slightly roughened hands skimmed my face. Then there were kisses dropped on my forehead. Two strong arms pulled me close. I wanted to hug him back, but I was too sleepy. The best I could do was to lean in close and breathe him in.
Rikker
.
“I missed you today,” he purred. “And yesterday, too.” He stopped speaking for a moment, then. I think he was listening for a reaction from me. But a head-injured, half-asleep man is no good at returning affection.
“Actually,” he continued as if we were having a real conversation, “you’re all I can think about.”
Those words ought to have been comforting, but there was an edge in his voice that made me nervous.
“See, I know that you and I don’t talk to each other at practice,” he said. “And sometimes that whole setup gets to me. Okay, a lot of the time. But it was weird for me today. You weren’t there at all, and I didn’t like it. I kept thinking of things I wanted to remember to tell you.”
Rikker shifted further onto the bed, fitting me against him.
“So, let’s see,” he said. “Bridger McCaulley came back, but only for the post-season. He’s a little rusty, but I think it’s going to be okay. He has pretty good footspeed. Actually, I think his feet are faster than his hands. If you were awake you could tell me if you think I’m right.”
I pressed my achy head a little closer to his chest, to tell him I agreed. But I don’t think he caught my meaning.
“Big-D was an ass. But I guess I don’t need to tell you that. And apparently Pepé broke up with his Canadian girlfriend
again
, so Bella was all over that. Also, she packed all your gear into a hockey bag. I think it ended up in Coach’s office…”
Rikker trailed off. Maybe he was finishing the conversation inside his own head. But his hand made slow circles on my back, and it felt great.
“This concussion thing sucks,” he said finally. “And I’ve been all depressed about it. I don’t like it that you’re hurting, and I don’t like it that I’m not allowed to help you.”
You’re helping me right now
, I wanted to say.
“I’ve been thinking things through,” he said. “See, just like I know you can’t help being gay, I also know that you can’t help being twisted up over it. I never blamed you for that, G. I
get
it.”
That was nice of him to say. But his sad tone made my heart stutter with fear.
“I just don’t know what to
do
with it, though,” he whispered. “I keep spinning my wheels, trying to come up with a solution.”
My eyes, which were still slammed shut, began to burn. I tried to concentrate on the warmth of his body in all the places it touched me — under my cheek, against my shoulder. I knew there would come a day when I didn’t have him anymore. Pretty soon he’d get sick of my bullshit and leave me.
Not yet
, I begged him silently. My throat began to burn, too.
I don’t want to be lonely again
.