The Two Gentlemen of Verona (4 page)

SPEED
    Sir Proteus,
’save you.
⁷¹
Saw you my master?

PROTEUS
    
But
⁷²
now he parted hence to embark for Milan.

SPEED
    Twenty to one then, he is shipped already,

And I have played the
sheep
⁷⁴
in losing him.

PROTEUS
    Indeed, a sheep doth very often stray,

An if
⁷⁶
the shepherd be awhile away.

SPEED
    You conclude that my master is a shepherd, then,

and I a sheep?

PROTEUS
    I do.

SPEED
    Why then,
my horns are his horns
⁸⁰
, whether I wake

or sleep.

PROTEUS
    A silly answer, and fitting well a sheep.

SPEED
    This proves me still a sheep.

PROTEUS
    True: and thy master a shepherd.

SPEED
    Nay, that I can deny by a
circumstance.
⁸⁵

PROTEUS
    
It shall go hard but I’ll prove it by another.
⁸⁶

SPEED
    The shepherd seeks the sheep, and not the sheep the

shepherd; but I seek my master, and my master seeks not me.

Therefore I am no sheep.

PROTEUS
    The sheep for
fodder
⁹⁰
follow the shepherd, the

shepherd for food follows not the sheep: thou for wages

followest thy master, thy master for wages follows not thee.

Therefore thou art a sheep.

SPEED
    Such another proof will make me cry
‘baa’.
⁹⁴

PROTEUS
    But dost thou hear? Gav’st thou my letter to Julia?

SPEED
    Ay, sir: I, a lost-
mutton
⁹⁶
, gave your letter to her, a

laced-mutton
⁹⁷
, and she, a laced-mutton, gave me, a lost-

mutton, nothing for my labour.

PROTEUS
    Here’s too small a pasture for such
store
⁹⁹
of muttons.

SPEED
    If the ground be
overcharged
, you were best
stick
¹⁰⁰

her.

PROTEUS
    Nay, in that you are
astray
: ’twere best
pound
¹⁰²
you.

SPEED
    Nay, sir, less than a
pound
¹⁰³
shall serve me for

carrying your letter.

PROTEUS
    You mistake: I mean the pound — a
pinfold.
¹⁰⁵

SPEED
    From a pound to a
pin
?
Fold
¹⁰⁶
it over and over, ’tis

threefold too little for carrying a letter to your lover.

PROTEUS
    But what said she?

SPEED
    Ay.

PROTEUS
    Nod — ay — why, that’s
‘noddy’.
¹¹⁰

SPEED
    You mistook, sir: I say she did nod, and you ask me

if she did nod, and I say ‘ay’.

PROTEUS
    And that set together is noddy.

SPEED
    Now you have taken the pains to set it together,
take
¹¹⁴

it for your pains.

PROTEUS
    No, no, you shall have it for bearing the letter.

SPEED
    Well, I perceive I must be
fain to bear
¹¹⁷
with you.

PROTEUS
    Why sir, how do you bear with me?

SPEED
    
Marry
, sir, the letter, very
orderly
¹¹⁹
, having nothing

but the word ‘noddy’ for my pains.

PROTEUS
    
Beshrew
¹²¹
me, but you have a quick wit.

SPEED
    And yet it cannot overtake your slow purse.

PROTEUS
    Come come,
open the matter
¹²³
in brief: what said she?

SPEED
    Open your purse, that the money and the matter

may be both at once delivered.

PROTEUS
    Well, sir: here is for your pains. What said

she?

SPEED
    Truly, sir, I think you’ll
hardly
¹²⁸
win her.

PROTEUS
    Why? Couldst thou
perceive
¹²⁹
so much

from her?

SPEED
    Sir, I could
perceive
¹³¹
nothing at all from her; no, not

so much as a
ducat
¹³²
for delivering your letter. And being so

hard to me that
brought your mind
¹³³
, I fear she’ll prove as

hard to you
in telling your mind
. Give her no
token
¹³⁴
but

stones
¹³⁵
, for she’s as hard as steel.

PROTEUS
    What said she, nothing?

SPEED
    No, not so much as ‘Take this for thy pains.’ To

testify your
bounty
, I thank you, you have
testerned me
¹³⁸
; in

requital whereof
¹³⁹
, henceforth carry your letters yourself. And

so, sir, I’ll
commend
¹⁴⁰
you to my master.

PROTEUS
    Go, go,
begone
¹⁴¹
, to save your ship from wreck,

Which cannot perish having thee aboard,

Being destined to a
drier death
¹⁴³
on shore.

I must go send some better messenger:

I fear my Julia would not
deign my lines,
¹⁴⁵

Receiving them from such a worthless
post.
¹⁴⁶

JULIA
    But say, Lucetta — now we are alone—

Wouldst thou then counsel me to fall in love?

LUCETTA
    Ay, madam,
so
you
stumble
not
unheedfully.
³

JULIA
    Of all the fair
resort
⁴
of gentlemen

That every day with
parle
⁵
encounter me,

In thy opinion, which is worthiest love?

LUCETTA
    Please you repeat their names, I’ll show my mind,

According to my shallow simple skill.

JULIA
    What think’st thou of the fair
Sir Eglamour?
⁹

LUCETTA
    As of a knight well-spoken,
neat
¹⁰
and fine;

But, were I you, he never should be mine.

JULIA
    What think’st thou of the rich
Mercatio?
¹²

LUCETTA
    Well of his wealth; but of himself, so so.

JULIA
    What think’st thou of the
gentle
¹⁴
Proteus?

LUCETTA
    Lord, Lord: to see what folly reigns in us!

JULIA
    How now? What means this
passion
¹⁶
at his name?

LUCETTA
    Pardon, dear madam: ’tis a
passing
¹⁷
shame

That I — unworthy body as I am—

Should
censure
¹⁹
thus on lovely gentlemen.

JULIA
    Why not on Proteus, as of all the rest?

LUCETTA
    Then thus: of many good, I think him best.

JULIA
    Your reason?

LUCETTA
    I have no other, but a woman’s reason:

I think him so because I think him so.

JULIA
    And wouldst thou have me
cast
²⁵
my love on him?

LUCETTA
    Ay, if you thought your love not
cast away.
²⁶

JULIA
    Why he, of all the rest, hath never
moved
²⁷
me.

LUCETTA
    Yet he, of all the rest, I think best loves ye.

JULIA
    His
little speaking
²⁹
shows his love but small.

LUCETTA
    Fire that’s closest kept burns most of all.

JULIA
    They do not love that do not show their love.

LUCETTA
    O, they love least that let men know their love.

JULIA
    I would I knew his mind.

LUCETTA
    Peruse this paper, madam.

JULIA
    ‘To Julia’. Say, from whom?

LUCETTA
    That the contents will show.

JULIA
    Say, say: who gave it thee?

LUCETTA
    Sir Valentine’s page: and sent, I think, from Proteus.

He would have given it you, but I,
being in the way,
³⁹

Did in your name receive it: pardon the fault, I pray.

JULIA
    Now, by my modesty, a
goodly broker!
⁴¹

Dare you presume to harbour
wanton
⁴²
lines?

To whisper and conspire against my youth?

Now trust me, ’tis an
office
⁴⁴
of great worth,

And you an officer fit for the place.

There, take the paper: see it be returned,

Or else return no more into my sight.

LUCETTA
    To plead for love deserves more
fee
⁴⁸
than hate.

JULIA
    Will ye be gone?

LUCETTA
    
That you may ruminate.
⁵⁰

JULIA
    And yet I would
I had o’erlooked
⁵¹
the letter;

It were a shame to call her back again

And
pray her to
a fault for which I
chid
⁵³
her.

What fool is she, that knows I am a maid,

And would not force the letter to my view!

Since maids, in modesty, say ‘no’ to that

Which they would
have the profferer construe ‘ay’.
⁵⁷

Fie, fie: how
wayward
⁵⁸
is this foolish love

That — like a
testy
⁵⁹
babe — will scratch the nurse

And
presently
, all humbled,
kiss the
rod!
⁶⁰

How
churlishly
⁶¹
I chid Lucetta hence,

When willingly I would have had her here!

How
angerly
⁶³
I taught my brow to frown,

When inward joy enforced my heart to smile!

My penance is to call Lucetta back

And ask
remission
⁶⁶
for my folly past.

What ho! Lucetta!

LUCETTA
    What would your ladyship?

JULIA
    Is’t near dinner-time?

LUCETTA
    I would it were,

That you might
kill your stomach
⁷¹
on your meat

And not upon your maid.

JULIA
    What is’t that you took up so gingerly?

LUCETTA
    Nothing.

JULIA
    Why didst thou stoop then?

LUCETTA
    To take a paper up that I let fall.

JULIA
    And is that paper nothing?

LUCETTA
    Nothing concerning me.

JULIA
    Then
let it lie for those that it concerns.
⁷⁹

LUCETTA
    Madam, it will not
lie where it concerns,
⁸⁰

Unless it have a
false interpreter.
⁸¹

JULIA
    Some love of yours hath writ to you in rhyme.

LUCETTA
    
That
⁸³
I might sing it, madam, to a tune.

Give me a note: your ladyship can
set
⁸⁴
—

JULIA
    As little by such
toys
⁸⁵
as may be possible.

Best sing it to the tune of
‘Light o’love’.
⁸⁶

LUCETTA
    It is too
heavy
for so
light
⁸⁷
a tune.

JULIA
    Heavy? Belike it hath some
burden
⁸⁸
then?

LUCETTA
    Ay, and melodious were it, would you sing it.

JULIA
    And why not you?

LUCETTA
    I cannot
reach so high.
⁹¹

JULIA
    Let’s see your song.