The Ties that Bind (Kingdom) (7 page)

“Yep.” Hope replied, still sniffing after her bout of tears.

“What did ya expect, that a cry on my shoulder was gonna fix this mess?” At the startled look on Hope’s face, Destiny’s look of impatience returned.

“I hear you, Des. I just don’t know what to do.”

“Seems to me you only have one recourse left to you. Honesty... and luv, I’m talking about the type of honesty that lets someone know that when it comes to loving them, there’s no room left for shame.”

Chapter 8

“Hey, man, what's going on?”

“Jason, where are you?”

“We're on our way to the airport. What's going on, Steve?”

“I'm in London. I knew you were heading this way, so I thought we could hook up.”

 “What are you doing here, Steve?”

He could hear the suspicion in Jason’s voice and didn’t know how to answer. If truth be told, Steve was still kicking himself for making this mad dash across the Atlantic because he was concerned for Hope’s wellbeing. “Um... I'm here on a personal matter I had to attend to.”

“I hope you're not here doing what I think you're doing!”

“What shouldn't I be doing, oh Lord and Master, Jason King?”

“Whatever, man. I'm not doing this right now. All I'm gonna say is, I hope you know what the hell you're getting into.”

“Oh, I know, Jason. Believe me, I know.”

“When are you back stateside?”

“I'll give you a call when I get back. Is everything okay with you?”

“Aviva’s here with me, we’re heading home… everything’s perfect.”

“Good, I’m glad for you both. Give her a kiss for me and I’ll see you all soon. Peace out.”

Disconnecting the line, Steve sat back in his seat as the taxi sped towards his hotel.

Linking all that Destiny had told him and the message she left, Steve was concerned enough to hightail it to London. Unable to fool himself any longer, he rapped on the glass that separated him from the driver and changed the address of his destination.

**********

Hope pulled open the front door and seemed ready to give whoever stood outside incessantly ringing the bell a piece of her mind.

Steve could see her shock at seeing him standing on her doorstep. He also noticed the way she pulled her robe around her narrow body as though to hide her appearance.

“So is this what suicidal looks like on Hope Richards?” Steve asked, unable to hide his shock at her unkempt appearance. In all the time he had known this woman, he had never seen her look anything other than perfect.

Pulling her robe even tighter around her slender shoulders, Hope stood back. “Will you come in?”

Gripping the handle of his travel bag, Steve fought the emotions he was experiencing. Now that he could see she was alive, he seriously thought about getting the hell away from her. But he knew he needed answers to the countless questions that tormented his every waking moment. Having travelled all this way, Steve thought that time might as well be now.

Attempting to maintain his most nonchalant expression, Steve walked into the apartment and Hope closed the door behind him. For a moment, he felt as though he were trapped in a spider’s web. His survival instinct told him to run. Knowing that hearing what she had to say might well be the breaking of him. But he also knew he would stay. Just as he knew, even though he had hung up the phone on Destiny, he would be standing in this very spot eventually.

“Please come through. May I get you something to drink?”

“Thank you, no.” Steve responded with extreme formality, unwilling to give even an inch.

“Would you like to sit down, Steve?”

He didn’t respond. Rather, he placed his bag on the floor, pushed his hands into his pockets and looked Hope up and down with expressionless eyes. He saw the moment his regard began to take its toll on her and derived a modicum of satisfaction. Even in her disheveled state she looked beautiful, and that was part of the problem. This beautiful woman placed too much importance on her outward appearance and the way others reacted to it.

“It’s after midday, don’t you think you should be dressed by now?” Steve said, eyeing her with a look of forced distaste, knowing exactly how she would react to his words.

“Of course, sorry. I’ll just go and freshen up.”

Excusing herself, Steve watched as Hope all but ran from the room. With her departure, Steve’s breath began to return to normal. The pounding in his chest slowed down to its normal rate and he knew he was in trouble.

He had no idea how he was going to accomplish the plan that had just taken root in his mind. He knew what he wanted, and he would have his way, but he had no idea how he was going to achieve it without driving himself crazy.

Walking around the room, Steve reacquainted himself with the apartment. He had spent time with her here last year, and it had been a good vacation. As he mused, Steve became lost in thoughts of how happy they had been, making plans for the life they would build together.

No matter how hard he tried to recall the actual feelings of that happier time it eluded him. He could remember nearly everything they had done together. The places they had visited, the shopping trips he had to endure, and the way they had made love and then held each other. He could remember it all, but he could no longer recall the emotion that should have been an integral part of his memories.

Moving to the window, Steve watched the world pass by as he waited for Hope to reappear.

“I hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long.”

Turning, Steve looked at the beautiful woman standing in the middle of the room. The smell of her perfume permeated the room, wafting towards him, pulling up memories that he refused to allow to gain purchase.

Her appearance surprised him. He had expected to see the perfectly coiffured woman he was so used to. What he was confronted with was something quite different. Hope was dressed in faded jeans and a huge sweater that looked as though it had been bought for someone twice her size. She was also barefoot. Realizing that she was waiting for an answer, Steve looked away from her still form.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

“Do you want to sit down?”

“Sure, why not.”

Moving towards the overstuffed couch, Steve waited until Hope had taken a seat before seating himself. “So, was this talk of you being suicidal a lie to get me here?”

“Well...”

“Damn it, Hope. What is the matter with you?”

“It wasn’t my idea, I swear it. I didn’t know she was going to say that.”

“Let’s get something straight, you have a long way to go before I believe anything that comes out of your deceitful mouth!”

“I’m sorry, Steve, so sorry... for everything.”

The sound Steve made in response to her apology was filled with scorn, as he watched dispassionately as Hope blinked back tears.

“Is that it? Is that all you have to say to me... that you’re sorry?”

“If you’ll let me, I’ll try to explain.”

“Hell yeah. I can’t wait to hear you
explain
. I want to hear what you have to say about the fact that I stood outside the patio doors of my home, and listened to my fiancée, on her wedding day, proposition another man. A man who rebuffed her time and time again, but she refused to take no for an answer. Oh, and the man she threw herself at was none other than my best friend. The one person in this world that you knew I called family.”

“Steve, I’m so sorry!” Hope said, her hands clasped over her mouth.

“I don’t care about your
sorry
, keep it. All I want to know is,
why
?”

“I can imagine how angry you are with me, and I know you don’t want to hear my apologies; but I need to say it.”

Jumping to his feet, Steve began to pace. “I don’t care what you need, Hope. I’m not here to for you. I’m here for me. I’m the reason I got on a plane and travelled thousands of miles across the Atlantic without sleep. I’m here because you and your dumb ass friend decided that I was the one you wanted to lay your guilt trip on.

I’m here because I wasn’t willing to deal with you having called me, and I didn’t come when you were about to take your life. I’m here because in your selfishness, you didn’t bother to think that you had already put me through situations I didn’t deserve. I’m here because I refused to have to deal with you laying on a mortuary slab and you getting your way of attempting to make me feel guilty for the rest of my life for what you’ve done!”

As Steve came to a halt, he realized just how angry he actually was. He had suppressed his feelings for too long. It was bad enough to lose loved ones, but the idea that someone would imagine that it was acceptable to invent a suicide attempt as a means of getting their way was heinous to him.

Steve understood how circumstances could push one to depths from which they found it difficult to extricate themselves. But he couldn’t understand why anyone would think it was acceptable to make something like that up. It was the ones who were left behind that had to pick up the pieces, and then find a way to accept it and go on.

“I didn’t know she was going to say that. I didn’t, I didn’t!” Hope sobbed.

As Steve listened to her cries, he recognized the pain in his chest for what it was. It was a relief. On the flight over he had been on tenterhooks, unable to sleep, eat or even read, praying that he wasn’t too late. That by the time he arrived, Hope would still be alive. No matter what had happened between them, he was glad that the story of her being suicidal was a lie.

His final thoughts had calmed him. Retaking his seat, he listened to her broken sobs and felt a level of detachment that surprised him. “I don’t want to talk about that, Hope. I want you to answer my question. I deserve that at least. Why did you do it?”

Steve hoped she realized her time was up. That she recognized this moment for what it was. That her answer, whatever it might be, would set the parameters of their future relationship.

“I was jealous.” Hope said and then fell silent.

Steve remained silent, waiting for her to say more. Then he realized that the simplicity of her words were at the same time extremely complex. Even as the thought registered with him, he pushed it away, refusing to rationalize on her behalf.

“That’s it, you were jealous. Have you lost your mind? I flew eight thousand miles to hear that half ass reason? You better have something else to tell me or I’m walking out that door!”

 “I don’t know where to begin.”

“For God’s sake, I don’t want to hear another damn cliché leave your mouth. Just say something I’m going to be willing to listen to!”

Hope jumped at his bark of anger. “Okay, you’ve met my parents, and I’ve told you about some of my childhood experiences. You know that my mother’s a drunk, even though she tries to hide it.

Do you know my parents are the reason I don’t want children? Can you imagine another monumental fuck up like me roaming around the earth? Don’t answer that.” Hope said, a look of dismay on her face that Steve might actually agree with her blasé comment. But he remained silent, expressionless, waiting for her to continue.

“Somewhere in the back of my mind I seem to remember my mother being sober. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part. Maybe, I made up the flashes that I sometimes see in my mind’s eye. I sometimes see her bending over me, tucking me in, brushing back my hair, whispering,
let Mommy hear your prayers, baby.
”
So lost was she in memories of the past, Hope had no conception of the look of intense longing that was written across her face. Nor did she realize that her words once spoken were the ones that snagged Steve’s complete attention.

“Go on, Hope.”

Seeming to be pulled from a distant place, Hope blinked as her eyes focused in on Steve, her startled expression telling him that her mind, for a few moments, had been fixated on a far off place and time.

Steve wanted to kick himself, angry that he had broken her line of thought. With her few words of recall of her mother, he had, for the first time been given an insight into her deepest feelings where her mother was concerned.

He should have known better. He had watched and learned from his parents on countless occasions when they had handled Jason when he first came to them. They had gently maneuvered him until he had been ready to open up to them. Although he couldn’t help thinking that Jason had only allowed this after he had dissected them from every possible angle.

Although it was too late and the spell had been broken, Steve wanted her to continue. “Tell me.”

Hope regarded Steve for two beats of his heart, and this time he could tell that her introspection had been pushed away, and for that he was sorry.

“Those possible memories of my mom and me being so close at some point were relegated in my mind. Thoughts of her being like that seemed to be wiped out of my mind, and when I was really young I didn’t let it matter. I allowed my dad to take her place.

I don’t know how it actually happened, all I know is that one day she was gone, and he was there. It’s funny,” Hope said, with mirthless laughter, “how I can remember nearly everything about him as a child and almost nothing about my mother.

Anyway, you more than anyone else knows that I’m spoilt. My dad always allowed me any and everything I wanted. I didn’t have to put up a fuss as my friends told me they did when their parents refused them something. All I had to do was ask once, and it was mine. If ever my mom tried to object to the way my father spoiled me it would make me so mad. That is until he told her in front of me that I was his only child and that I could have anything I wanted, whenever I wanted.

He also told her that there was nothing she could do about it because he wouldn’t allow it. I remember her crestfallen expression, and I reveled in it. She was just a mean old drunk lady who happened to be my mother. Daddy was in charge, and I didn’t have to listen to anything she had to say.

He was true to his word, I did get whatever I wanted. I remember running and hugging my dad for sticking up for me against the drunk lady. But as I was hugging him, I happened to look up, and although he was holding me, he wasn’t paying any attention to me. I could see his reflection in a mirror. He was looking at my mother, and he was smiling, she was crying. The drunk lady did that a lot when I was little. She still does that, even to this day.”