The things we do for love. (15 page)

Chapter 18.

“I think I am beginning to understand the dynamics of things now.” He told her. His tone was one of confidence. “It makes a little more sense.”

“You don’t understand. You don’t know me.” She said.

“You think not?”

“No.” she said decisively.

“So you became mother to Faye and to your own mother as well?”

“I guess, yeah.” She agreed with a shrug. “Faye was always a little more delicate than me.”

“She found things difficult.”

“I was just always the stronger one. And Mum, well she needed a lot of looking after. There was the cleaning up after her and then she would become quite tearful at times.” She shrugged.

“So you looked after them and cared for them. You dried their tears and hugged them. You soothed them and protected them.” He added.

“By the time I was eight, it was normal.”

“Who did you turn to when you needed someone to be strong for you. To dry your tears, to hug you.” He asked her softly.

“I told you, I need no one. I am fine just as I am on my own. By myself.”

“And you would rather rely only on yourself.” Luke replied.

“There is only me to rely on. Faye needs me to be strong. My mother needed me to be strong.”

“All the time.”

“Yes all the time.”

“Because you mustn’t give in to any sign of weakness.” Luke said knowingly.

“What do you mean by that?” she demanded hotly.

“Just that. Are you so afraid of showing people that you hurt that you are willing to cover yourself in layers of false bravado?”

“I just don’t need anyone, that’s all.” She said quietly.

“Everybody needs someone.” Luke told her.

“Well I don’t. I am just fine by myself.”

“On your own, without anyone, alone … yes you said.” Luke said. “What about your father. You said he was in Australia.” Luke continued.

Cassie sighed heavily. She did not want to talk about this, not with him. That was personal, she had no wish to discuss it with anyone. Couldn’t he just drop it.

“He moved out there when Faye and I was two. Mum and he didn’t get on. She spent a lot of time crying over it.”  Cassie gave a harsh laugh before admitting. “She spent a lot of time moaning about it and talking about it and getting angry about it too.” She sighed and pushed the memories away, there was no point in going over it.

“So he just upped and left.”

“Yes.”

“And he never kept in contact with you.” Luke sounded incredulous and Cassie felt her heart give a little joyous leap. At least he thought her father’s behaviour was off. Why couldn’t Faye see that?

“Not a peep in all these years.” Cassie shook her head. “In fact it was a bolt out of the blue when Faye told me she had been in contact with him. Apparently she tracked him down and called him.”

“How long have they been in contact?” he asked her.

“According to Faye they have been talking for best part of a year or so.” Cassie sighed wistfully as pain stabbed at her heart.

“And you had no idea. She didn’t tell you.” Luke told her rather than asked.

“Not a dickie bird.” She agreed, she tried to sound off hand but knew she had failed when Luke’s hand stroked her arm soothingly. Instantly her skin grew warm and her stomach did a funny little dance.

“Does she ever use that brain of hers?” Cassie shook her head. “She must know how you feel. She must know how it hurts you.” Luke continued to press his point and Cassie felt uncomfortable talking about her relationship with her sister. She didn’t want to give him ammunition.

“I guess she knew I wouldn’t like it and decided it was far better to keep it a secret.” Cassie told Luke trying to sound nonchalant about it.

“She enjoys hurting you.”

“No she just doesn’t realise.” Cassie defended.

“That’s bull. We both know that. She enjoys it. Goes out of her way to strike a point against you.” She was told. Immediately she bolstered but then bit down on her lip. He was right. She hated that, that he had been able to see that in just the few times he had seen them together. He did not miss anything did he? “You don’t want to get to know him. Your father.” Luke swapped back quickly to the original conversation.

“Not really. He has had twenty-seven years. If he’d have wanted a relationship with us he would have kept trying even if mother put up barriers. He didn’t try, not as far as I can see anyway.” Cassie could feel that anger burning inside again.

Even after their mother’s death he had not tried. Even though they were adults he still had not tried. Faye had made the first move, not him. She had done all the running, not him. She was the one going to Australia instead of him coming to England. To Cassie that spoke volumes.

“It sounds like it’s still painful for you Cassie. Which would suggest that perhaps you might want a relationship with him.” Luke’s softly spoken voice intruded into her thoughts.

“Trust me, I don’t.” She told him bitterly. “Like I said I don’t need anyone.”

“Yes, you do. Don’t miss out on something just because you are angry at your Dad. That would be a terrible shame.”

Luke’s soothing voice salved her raw nerves and she nestled deeper into her jacket. Truth be told what she really wanted to do was nestle in Luke’s arms. She impatiently brushed the thought away.

“Are you judging my decision?” Cassie asked as she stopped and turned to face him.

“I’m just saying that it would be a shame not to allow a chance between you and your Dad. Both my parents died in a car accident. I wouldn’t mind being given a chance to see them again. There are so many things I would ask.” Cassie watched the sadness flash across his face before he regained control of it.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” She gasped. How terrible to lose both parents and at the same time.

“It was a long time ago. I was in med school.” He dismissed. “But we were talking about you and your father.

“Well I am not interested. He had his chance and he blew it.” She huffed angrily.

“That’s very unforgiving of you. Even Faye managed that.” Luke goaded.

“Yes but, Faye also manages to wreak havoc wherever she goes. She also costs me a fortune every time she gets herself into trouble.” Cassie threw back bitingly.

“Well at the risk of you getting even angrier than you already are with me. Might I suggest that you stop bailing her out?” he said now.

“Easier said than done.” She defended herself.

“Try.” He persisted.

“It’s not as easy as that.”

“But it does her no favours and evidently it doesn’t do you any either.” Luke told her abruptly.

“She’s my sister.” Cassie’s voice rose.

“It does not give her the right to do what she does. Or to behave the way she does. Or, treat you the way she treats you.” Luke continued firmly.

“She is my sister and she needs me. She’s sensitive.” Well, that was one way of putting it, Cassie thought.

“What about you Cassie?” he asked her. His eyes intently on hers. Staring into them.

“What about me?”

“What do you need, want.”

“Nothing. Look I don’t expect you to understand. Faye just can’t cope with things and needs me to be there for her. She is my sister.” She jutted out her chin in defiance.

“Yes she is and Mummy Cassie mops up behind her and pats her on the head saying there, there, dear don’t worry and so little Faye doesn’t worry and little Faye has been robbed of the opportunity to understand what she has done wrong.” Cassie’s hackles were instantly raised.

“Are you telling me that Faye’s behaviour is my fault again.” She all but shouted the words at him as she tried to defend herself.

He did not understand the relationship she had with her sister. He did not understand her sister and he had no right to think that he could pass judgement on her or Faye. He did not know or understand her either.

“Yes, that is what I am saying.” Luke agreed standing his ground firmly as he looked down at her.

“How dare you...” Luke grabbed her arms and pulled her towards him. She felt his hard lean body through her clothes. She made a noise in her throat. He was way too close to her. She could see the pores in his skin. She also noticed a tiny scar that sat just under his left eye. She could feel the rise and fall of his chest beneath her hands.

“I don’t want to fight with you Cassie but I’m not going to lie to you either. You are partly responsible for how Faye behaves.” Luke said, his voice dropping taking on a seductive tone.

“I have tried. You have no idea. I even slapped her yesterday. I have never hit her, never. But after you left we got into an argument and… and…” She shook her head. “Do you have any idea how ashamed I feel at having resorted to that?”

“She pushed you too far. There is only so much one person can take. I understand more than you realise believe me, especially after today.” He said now, his voice sounded soothing.

“I don’t understand.” She frowned at him.

“No you probably don’t.” He agreed. “For you it’s about being needed isn’t it.”

“Are you accusing me of actually liking the fact that Faye is the way she is?” the arrogant s.o.b.

“Yes. You keep telling me that you don’t need anyone when really you are crying out for some attention.”

“That’s not true.” She told him.

“Yes it is and you know it. The only time that you get that attention is when you are needed to fix things.” He told her.

“Huh, no. I am perfectly okay.” She tried to deflect. “And I don’t need anyone, or anything. I am perfectly fine on my own, by myself.”

Cassie tried to pull herself free from Luke’s grip but he held her firm. His fingers biting into her flesh through her jacket.

She did not want to listen to anymore of his cruel words. Luke’s face became blurred as unshed tears gathered in her eyes. She wanted him to let her go so that she could get away from him. She tried to tug herself free but he held her firm.

“But you are not okay Cassie.” He said. “You have spent all your time hugging your unworthy sister, hugging your mother. Who hugs you Cassie? Your sister leans on you, your mother leant on you. Who do you lean on Cassie? Your sister needs you, your mother needed you. Who do you need Cassie?”

“Let go of me.” She shouted at him. She was angry now and she didn’t want to be so close to him. She tried to tug herself free, she thrashed her body but Luke only closed the gap between them even further.

“Cassie...”  Luke began huskily but then he stopped abruptly. Cassie found herself being pulled tight up against him. His arms wrapped themselves around her as he brought her close and hugged her.

“What are you doing.” She asked him as alarm beat out a rhythm around her body. She held her body tense and rigid against him.

“Allowing you to lean on me.”

“I don’t need –” She began but he cut her off.

“Yes Cassie, yes you do need. That’s the problem.” And they fell silent as Luke held her in his arms.

“I don’t need.” She shook her head, desperate to deny it.

“There’s nothing wrong with needing. It doesn’t make you weak.”

“I am just fine.” She tried again.

“Is that how you want your life to be… just fine.” Luke asked her. “Don’t you want more than that? I know you do. Everything about you is crying out for more.”

“No.” she tried to deny, the word wrenching painfully from her throat.

“Too late, I can hear you.”

“No.” Panic set in. Luke’s head drew close to hers.

“I heard you in that court room.” She shook her head mutely. She felt exposed now, vulnerable. It had been a long time since she had felt that.

“Let me go.” She heard the emotional wobble in her voice.

“Every day that you sat there, I heard you.” Luke’s voice dropped to a soothing whisper.

He rocked her, slowly, to and fro as though she were a child. A sob tore from her throat and she tried to keep her defences up but then something strange happened.

Slowly, Cassie found herself relaxing until her body became less tense and she leant into him further. Her head came down and to her horror she snuggled into the crook of his neck.

Luke’s arms tightened around her in response and she felt his jaw come to rest at her temple as he held her.

It felt good to be held. She had always been the one to do the holding. She had always been the strong one. The one to always be in control of everything. “You see. You do need.”

Cassie whimpered, unable to say anything. A painful lump had formed in her throat and she could feel tears spilling down her cheeks. “Everyone forgot about you, didn’t they Cassie? I won’t forget about you.” He promised her.

“Please, let go.” She said in a strange softly spoken voice that did not even sound like it came from her.

Luke moved his head to look down on her. His hand came up to brush away tears from her cheek and his lips drew into a thin line.

Before Cassie could do anything Luke lowered his head and his lips captured hers. Her lips parted on contact and her knees gave from under her. She made a noise, somewhere between acceptance and trying to fight it.