The Stars That Tremble (18 page)

Gio smiled. He reached over and rubbed Mike’s hand briefly, but then sat back on his side of the table. “The last guy I dated was Pavel Minskov.”

Mike shrugged and tried the quince paste. “Okay.”

“A brilliant ballet dancer. The Moscow Ballet did a three-month engagement at Lincoln Center a few years ago, and he was their star. I met Pavel shortly after I lost my voice, actually. It was the first time I’d been with someone who appreciated me for myself and not my voice. Or so I thought.”

“What happened?”

“He liked that my vocal injury kept me in the public eye for a while, or at least in the public eye of the opera world. Then the Moscow Ballet continued its tour, so he left New York. And that was that.”

“Oh.”

“My point in telling you is that Pavel was very much of my world. Opera, ballet, these are performances admired by a specific sort of patron of the arts, if you understand my meaning. Pavel was from a family of performers very much like mine. He’d had years of dance training and had become a tremendous success, widely admired in the community. He and I had much in common. But we had nothing to talk about. Pavel is shallow and egotistical. He wanted a piece of fallen opera star Giovanni Boca but had no interest in Gio the man.”

“So he was an asshole.”

Gio laughed. “Yes. But, see, the point is that Pavel was from my world, as you put it, but I definitely did not belong with him. You, on the other hand, I have a real connection with.”

The waiter appeared with their entrees and put the mostly eaten cheese plate off to the side.

Gio snuck glances at Mike as he arranged his napkin and his plate. He was falling for Mike and he knew it. Mike seemed to be slipping away like sand through his fingers, and that was painful and frustrating. There was so much to appreciate about Mike—he was intelligent and kind, his body moved and hummed with music constantly, and he was breathtakingly gorgeous. But more than that, he seemed to understand Gio in a way few other men had. He knew Gio the man, knew him independent of his now long-dead opera career.

“I listened to recordings of you,” Mike said as he cut his steak. “Your voice—”

Or Gio had misjudged. Wearily, he said, “I know. Please don’t.”

Mike nodded. “I think it gave me a greater appreciation for what you lost. Listening to your old records, I mean.”

That surprised Gio, but he felt like he needed to backpedal. He’d had a few years to cope with that loss, and though he still missed singing with every cell in his body, he’d resigned himself to his fate. “Really, it’s nothing. You know more about loss than I ever will.” Until meeting Mike, Gio had thought the loss of his voice was the greatest tragedy to ever descend on his universe, but Mike’s losses had been far more traumatic. “You humble me, you know that?”

“How so?”

“I was an arrogant fool for a long time. I thought my voice was my ticket to everything I wanted in life. Money. Fame. Even sex. And then suddenly, I felt like I had nothing. But I did still have something. I had my knowledge, my reputation, my experience. I became a teacher so I could help other singers even if I can no longer join their ranks.”

Mike nodded. “I felt like my whole world ended when Evan died.”

“And, see, my pain doesn’t even compare. I’m still alive and well. I lost a skill, a talent, but I didn’t lose someone I loved like that.”

Mike leveled his gaze at Gio. “It’s not a contest.”

“No. And I don’t think of it that way. But this is how we relate to each other,
caro
. We both understand about loss.”

Mike nodded, but he didn’t seem quite present anymore, like he was drifting back to a darker place. “When Evan died, I had to pull myself together for Emma. She was so small and she needed me. But that loss… it still pulls at me sometimes.” Mike stared off at something in the distance.

Gio could see things were pulling at Mike now. He took a moment to savor his food and process everything Mike had told him. There was only one conclusion. “You’re afraid to love someone because you’re afraid things will end again like they did with Evan. You’re afraid to get your heart involved if someone can yank it away from you.”

Mike closed his eyes. He put his fork down for a moment and rubbed his forehead. “I… yeah, I guess that’s part of it. But it’s not just me I have to worry about. I come as part of a package deal. And I can’t risk breaking Emma’s heart too.”

This was the darkest corner of Mike’s soul laid bare, and Gio understood that now. Under all his calm, Mike worried and fretted. That made Gio nervous, but it was intriguing too. There was a depth to Mike that Gio hadn’t seen when they first met. Gio thought perhaps he could bring some light to those dark places, help Mike just as surely as Mike was helping Gio.

“Maybe there are no happy endings,” Gio said, “but isn’t it worse not to try to see if there are? To live in hope that maybe this time everything will work out?”

“I don’t know.”

“You and I have both known loss. Our lives turned out very differently from how we thought they would. But that’s no reason to throw away what could be a very good thing. You deserve a shot at happiness, if nothing else.”

“Maybe.”

Mike’s ambivalence cemented Gio’s certainty. And suddenly, he saw it. He saw years of them together, he saw Mike laughing, he saw good meals, good wine, good music. He saw casual evenings at home. He saw a whole life together that he could never have imagined for himself, but it was wonderful and he would not let it slip away. He said, “I think you and I have more in common than you think. And I believe we owe it to ourselves to see if what we’ve been searching for can be found in each other. Maybe it doesn’t survive the summer. Maybe we fall passionately in love and are together for decades. But it’s not fair to cut it off just because we’re afraid.”

Mike ate quietly for a moment. “You really dated a ballerina.”

“Pavel is technically a
ballerino
, but…. Yes, I did.”

“If nothing else, staying with you will be interesting.”

Gio laughed. “Yes, I think it will be.”

M
IKE
’
S
head was swimming. It had been difficult to just come out and say everything that had been on his mind, but Gio had not laughed or mocked him, had merely accepted his words. Mike appreciated that.

What Gio had said about loss, that too had rung in Mike’s head. Maybe they did have a few things in common.

What Gio had said definitely did a lot to comfort Mike. He still worried about what could happen, but Gio’s words had gone a long way toward convincing him it would be foolish to end things before they even got started. After all, the source of Mike’s anguish was that he wanted this relationship, he wanted Gio, very much, but felt inadequate.

But Gio had chosen him. Mike thought he owed it to both of them to honor that choice, to let himself feel everything he could feel instead of holding back, to care for Gio the way Mike thought he deserved to be cared for and to let Gio care for him as well. It was a terrifying step forward. It was exciting, too.

Mike followed Gio back to his place after dinner. He still felt a little shaky and uncertain as Gio paced around his living room, putting things away and keeping his hands busy.

“Gio,” Mike said.

It was soft, just a breath of the man’s name in an attempt to get his attention, but Gio moved quickly and soon Mike found himself face-to-face with the object of his desire and affection. Something fluttered in his chest as he gazed at Gio, and he settled more firmly into his decision.

“Gio, I… I want to try. To be with you, I mean. I want to see where this goes. I want you.”

Gio smiled and put his hands on the sides of Mike’s face. “I’m glad. I truly am. But I should tell you, something happened at work yesterday that may be relevant.”

“What is it?”

Gio ran his hands over Mike’s shoulders. “The parent of one of my workshop students—do you remember Tracy Quinlan? You met her at the final show.”

It rang a bell, but Mike couldn’t picture the woman’s face. “Maybe.”

“She’s a real piece of work. She and her husband contribute piles of money to the school and into arts programs all over the city, and she feels this gives her license to dictate to us which programs her children get into. She’s been popping into my office all summer to reiterate that it is my sacred duty to make sure her daughter gets into the Young Musicians Program at Olcott.”

“All right. What does this have to do with me?”

Gio slid his hands down Mike’s torso and rested them on his waist. The move seemed a little inappropriate for the conversation, but Mike had to admit he was having a hard time keeping his hands off Gio. He gave in and touched Gio’s back.

Gio said, “She knows about us, or she thinks she does. She threatened to take it to my boss if the auditions for the YMP don’t go her way.”

Gio said this glibly, but the statement made Mike’s heart stop. He immediately dropped his hands and took a step back. “What?”

“Ah, yes. This is one of those instances where I probably should not have said anything.”

“A parent is threatening you because she saw us together?”

“It’s not really a big deal.”

Mike begged to differ. “What can she do?”

“Nothing. She’s just being a bother because her daughter might not get into the program. Heaven forbid the girl should actually have to audition instead of just getting in because her parents paid for it.”

That didn’t provide much relief. “Can she do anything about Emma?”

“No. Absolutely not. The whole department is on Emma’s side. I’m not on the audition committee, so I don’t get a say in who gets into the program, either, so there’s no bias on my part. And what you and I are doing is not against any rules. Everything will be fine,
caro
. There’s no need to worry. I just wanted to let you know what happened. For the sake of honesty.”

“But she could get you in trouble.”

“Maybe. I doubt it, though. I’m worth a lot to the school. Having my name on that opera workshop gets the summer programs a lot of attention and money. She can’t prove any favoritism. I’d like to mentor Emma, but I have no involvement with the Young Musicians Program next year, so it doesn’t matter.”

“But this is what could happen, isn’t it? Your involvement with me could make it look like you’re giving Emma a leg up against her competition.”

“So I won’t mentor her. She works with Dacia and still has access to every opportunity being a student at Olcott opens up for her. I want her to succeed, Mike, I genuinely do. I won’t put her in jeopardy. You have my word on that.”

That made Mike feel a little better, although the complexity of politics at the school left him reeling.

Not to mention that it was too late. The best course of action would have been not to get involved with Giovanni Boca to begin with, but here they were. Mike hadn’t been able to stay away, and even now, standing a foot away from Gio, he missed Gio’s touch.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” Mike said. “I want you, I really do, down in my gut I do. But I’m so terrified of everything. I’m worried you’ll get to know the real me and won’t like what you see. I’m worried this will have consequences for Emma. I’m worried this will end.”

Gio tilted his head. “You know what I know from thirty-seven years of listening to and performing opera? I know that life is about risk and reward. Great passion is risky. It can burn you, it can destroy you, it can rip out your heart. But it is also one of the greatest things we will ever experience. We risk our hearts when we fall in love, but is the reward not worth it?”

Was it? Mike had been in love only once before, and look where it had left him. Still, eleven years after Evan’s passing, he had to agree that for all the pain, he had a lot of happy memories, and there was Emma. He could never regret the decisions that had brought Emma into his life.

“It’s worth it,” Mike whispered.

“I would be willing to risk a lot for you, Mike, my heart included. It must be plain to you by now how much I care. I have never met anyone in my life quite like you, and I’m certain beyond anything there could not be a man more perfect for me. So get all of the nonsense about not belonging in my world out of your head. All of that is just window dressing. You and I are but two men in a large city who found each other by some miracle, and there is a spark of something between us that cannot be denied.”

Mike closed his eyes. “You say these things. Your words are so beautiful. I don’t have words like that.” Mike had so much to say, but no idea how to say it. He felt all of those things in his heart, though, and he knew he was falling for Gio just as surely as Gio was falling for him.

“It doesn’t matter to me. You have music in your heart as surely as I do, and that is all that matters. That we make music together. So we run into adversity? We find a way around it.” Gio laughed softly. “Listen to me getting all dramatic. You’d think I was singing an aria.”

“No, it’s… it’s wonderful, what you’re saying.”

“
O tesoro mio
, this is where you kiss me.”

So Mike did. He leaned forward and claimed Gio’s mouth with his own. He pulled Gio into his arms. And it was like his skin was on fire, desire aflame suddenly in his heart, in his mind, in his body. Maybe what Gio had said, maybe those beautiful words were just words, but they meant something to Mike and felt important.

Mike broke away from the kiss. “I must be losing my mind.”

“The feeling is mutual.”

Gio kissed him and their lips slid together, their tongues met, and Mike took a moment to slow down and really taste Gio, to savor the texture of the kiss. He ran his hands through Gio’s hair, touched his face, pulled him closer.

He thought perhaps the real source of his uneasiness for the past couple of weeks was the idea that he couldn’t have this for some reason, and perhaps it was better to pull away now rather than to really put his heart on the line. But that was stupid; wrapped up in Gio as he was now, he couldn’t imagine denying himself this.