The Spinoza Trilogy (24 page)

“
Not so,” Natassa’s voice sounded far away now. Her voice had taken on a softer quality. A child-like quality.

I tried to speak, tried to refute her words—my son’s words. Sweet, sweet Jesus.

“It is not always for us to decide who lives or dies. Such decisions are sometimes beyond our power.”

“
No. I did it,” I said passionately, my voice coming to me in a burst. “I was drunk. Again. Oh my God, I was drunk and I killed you and I will never forgive myself for it. Never...”

Natassa locked eyes with me now. “For your son’s sake, you must.”

My boy was fading in and out. I hadn’t seen him in six years. He looked earnestly into my eyes, pleading. What for, I didn’t know.

“
He loves you, Spinoza. He cannot leave this realm because he loves you so. He’s been with you, always. Hurting as you hurt. Weeping as you weep.”

“
I—can’t undo it. There’s nothing I can do.”

What came next nearly drove me over the edge to insanity. Natassa spoke, and now I was certain it was my son’s voice. “But you have done something, Daddy. You save other kids.”

I let out a strangled cry, and then found my voice again. “I-I don’t understand.”

“
If I had lived, you wouldn’t be saving other kids, Daddy. Don’t you see?”

“
See what? Please, I don’t understand...”

And now Natassa blinked and looked at me, and her voice reached me, not my son’s. “Your son gave up his life for others, Spinoza.”

“I don’t under—”

“
His sacrifice prompted a new direction in your life.”

“
A direction driven by guilt,” I said.

“
Driven by the pursuit of justice, Spinoza. You were brought here to help others, to save others, to give hope...and to find the missing.”

I digested this, or tried to.

Suddenly, a rush of memories flooded my thoughts. Visions of the missing children I had found. Reunited with their parents. The joy of love in the families I had helped over the years. I realized my son was sending these visions through Natassa. He
had
seen me every day. Why hadn’t I known it? I wept harder.

“
I would have been taken from you anyway, Daddy. But any other way wouldn’t have made you into what you are now.”

I still fought it. “But I’m a monster...”

“No. You’re a savior. Don’t you see? Can’t you see it?”

“
But I loved you so much, David.”

“
Then remember the love. Not just one day. Remember our life together.”

Suddenly a rush of warmth streamed through Natassa’s cold hands into mine. Throughout my body. Warmth I’d felt when David would hug me. When I kissed him goodnight. Bought him his first skateboard. Movies and ice cream. All the things I’d done to make my son happy. Because I loved him. Joy. For the first time in years, I felt true joy.

“I love you, too, Daddy. That’s why I’ve stayed with you.”

It hit me. He couldn’t go to Heaven. Natassa nodded now.

“I have to know you’re okay, Daddy.”

“
But I want to make it right...”

“
All is well, Daddy. As it should be.”

“
How did you get so wise...my son?”

The image of my son smiled. “Watching you, Daddy.”

That ripped a hole through my heart and I wept harder.

“
I will always be near, Daddy. You know that.”

I sensed him fading, leaving me, perhaps forever. “Don’t leave me,” I whispered. I heard the pleading in my voice. Yes, I was going insane. A beautiful insane.

“There is nothing else to do, Daddy, except...”

“
What? I’ll do anything.”

“
Keep helping the others. It’s what you were meant to do.”

My mind was reeling. Keep helping others. Other kids. My son forgave me. He loved me...I’m dreaming. A long, weird, twisted, beautiful, surreal dream.

David did smile now. He moved toward me and embraced me with his tiny arms and I could not hold back the tears. I sat there on my knees as my dead little boy hugged the father who had killed him.

And then something else happened, something even more miraculous. On a night of miracles...and nightmares...as I tried to hug him back, his little spirit entered me. My heart. A spirit that wasn’t so little after all. I sensed his wisdom, his knowledge and his love. Now my heart filled with a joy greater than I had ever known. David was in my heart, cleansing away the pain, the sorrow, the guilt. I let it happen. Deep inside I knew this was it. I wouldn’t see him again, but he was making a special place to dwell within me. Forever, I knew. I let it happen.

We stayed like this for a timeless moment. Just the two of us. There was nothing else but a father and a son’s love.

Faintly in my mind, or my heart, I heard, “Oh Daddy! I knew you could do it. I love you...”

I watched as he moved back out of me, smiling. His innocent eyes shone now, all trace of sadness gone. He was leaving. My son was going to Heaven.

I still felt the incredible love within.

And then, I let him go.

Chapter Seventeen

It could have taken minutes. It could have taken hours. I didn’t know. I still didn’t care.

Natassa was smiling at me. For the first time in a long while, I smiled back. A real smile.

“
Thank you,” I said.

“
You are most welcome. And thank you for saving me.”

“
It’s what I do,” I said, and remembered my son’s words. “What I was meant to do.”

She let go of my hands. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Did it happen? Was it real?

“It was real,” she answered.

“
He was in limbo, all this time,” I said. “Six years, he stayed with me, tormented.”

“
No. Time doesn’t exist in his realm. And he wasn’t tormented. He just never gave up on you.”

“
He loves me.”

“
More than you know.”

I fought back more tears. I relived the conversation with David in my mind. I turned from Natassa. I didn’t want her to see me cry. Enough tears. Enough pain. My son forgave me, loved me, and was with me always. In my heart. I forced myself back to reality. Whatever that meant.

“You and Guillaume,” I started.

“
Yes?”

“
Why didn’t he try to free you earlier? And why did he choose me?”

“
I can see you’re curious.”

“
To say the least.”

She stood, motioned me. As I rose, she said, “I will tell you then. But you’re right, we must leave this place.”

Chapter Eighteen

The four of us headed over to a nearby Denny’s.

Natassa insisted on a window booth where she could keep an eye on the horse trailer parked just outside. Precious cargo, indeed.

I learned that Natassa was six hundred years old, but had met Guillaume fifteen years ago in Norway, where they had fallen in love. Still, she kept her secret from him for years, until he begged her to tell him the mysterious truth about her. He turned willingly, drank her blood and vowed to help her hunt those who hunted the innocent. Vampires included. They were quite a team, apparently. They traveled the world, searching, as Veronica did locally, for the dark ones who caused nothing but chaos.

Eventually they learned about this new coven and came to southern California. They’d only been here a short while, hunting together, when Natassa was caught by the new coven, a coven intent on building an empire. An underground dictatorship.

Here in Anaheim, she’d met her match. She was caught and held prisoner. The coven had spread lies about her, and turned her reputation into an evil legend of sorts. Guillaume hadn’t yet cultivated the powers she possessed, and couldn’t free her by himself. He stayed by her side at Medievaland, protecting her as best he could. He didn’t know many of his own kind to aid him, but eventually he found out about me, the private eye who knew about vampires.

“
What will you do now?” Veronica asked.

Natassa didn’t hesitate. “Go on, as usual.”

“Try to keep the peace?” I asked.

“
Of course.” Her gaze fell on Veronica. “I’m intrigued by your skills,” she commented.

“
Thank you.”

“
I’m always looking for competent partners.”

“
I’ll think about it.” But Veronica didn’t look nearly as dismissive as she sounded. She was intrigued. They would make a helluva formidable team.

Natassa merely smiled, and nodded as if she already knew.

It was three in the morning. I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I wanted to reflect privately on the night’s events. All of them. My son...

Once again, I was grateful for Veronica’s telepathy. She said, “Well, we’ve got to go. This mortal needs his beauty sleep.”

We rose to leave. I shook hands with Guillaume. It seemed fitting to kiss Natassa’s hand. She reached up and kissed me on the cheek. “Blessings to you, good Spinoza.”

Chapter Nineteen

I arrived at my humble abode about an hour before dawn.

There were three messages, all from Roxi. I wanted to be alone, but in all fairness I owed her a call. I did so and assured her I was fine. She was pretty good about giving me my space. I promised her I would tell all, but not until I had a little shut-eye.

I took my bowl of cereal out to the patio just in time for the sunrise. I don’t care what anyone says, California sunrises are just as spectacular as our sunsets.

I played the events over in my mind like a film. Took in every detail. I had been pretty kick-ass, true. Hell, I may be old, but I’m still in the game. I wondered if I would ever need the silver semi-automatics now hidden on a shelf in my closet. I kind of hoped I would.

Once again, I relived every second with my son. The whole thing was just...surreal.

And beautiful.

I love you, Daddy
. Words I never thought I’d hear again.
So proud of you
. I didn’t even pretend the tears were from the bright sun shining through the palm trees.

* * *

Roxi and I leaned back in our beach chairs.

The day was cooling off, the gentle breeze bringing on what Californians consider a slight chill. Feet nestled comfortably in the still warm sand, we watched the sun set behind Santa Monica Pier’s ginormous Ferris wheel. I took another whiff of salty air and watched seagulls scavenge the beach for tidbits of food left behind. Most of the crowd had left and we had the place to ourselves.

We’d spent the night at a motel within walking distance. It was well-earned time off. Last night had rekindled our intimacy. I’d never really treated her the way she should have been treated. Now it was time to make up for lost time. I glanced at my well-satisfied woman. The light wind danced with her hair. Her hand wandered to my thigh, and this time, I didn’t recoil. So, she left it there. It felt good.

Roxi had already picked my brain about every detail of the case. I told her everything. Including my son. Roxi listened intently, knowing it couldn’t be easy to discuss. She didn’t question this, but apparently she wasn’t satisfied about other specifics.

“So, this Natassa.”

“
Yes?”

“
She’s a vampire slayer? Like Veronica?”

“
I suppose so.”

“
What does that mean, anyway?”

“
It means we’re not in Kansas anymore. Never have been.”

She laughed. I smiled. “But,” she persisted, “I mean why don’t more people know about this kind of stuff?”

Why indeed? I supposed most ordinary people wanted to at least imagine they lived in Kansas. People liked myths and legends. But only for stories told around a campfire light. Where they thought they were safe.

“
Watch the sunset,” I simply said. She would figure it out, I was sure.

I reached into the nearby cooler and came out with a beer. I exchanged it for a Diet Coke and popped it open. I took a swig. Next to Roxi, it was the best thing I’d ever tasted.

The end...

...of the Spinoza Series.

I do hope you enjoyed his tales.