Authors: Lisa Lutz

Tags: #Fiction, #General, #Humorous, #Mystery & Detective, #Women Sleuths

The Spellmans Strike Again (41 page)

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I suppose one should not label someone a nemesis before proper introductions are made, but turns out I was right.

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In the event of my untimely death, I’m happy to donate any or all of my organs, but you might want to take a pass on my liver.

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A figure of speech, of course. “Burn” sounds much more permanent than “delete.”

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Morty’s grandson. Current boyfriend to my childhood best friend and brother’s ex-wife, Petra Clark.

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For the record: I love you all. You have no idea how much you mean to me.

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One must assume that David kicked Maggie under the table.

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And you’d definitely need transcripts. Larry’s slurred speech was almost beyond recognition. Fortunately, I’m fluent in slur.

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Have to make sure that employment status is affirmed or the date can be tossed out of the official list.

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I had to try to come up with a plausible explanation for the slurred words and snoring and the utterly desperate tone in Larry’s voice. Otherwise my mother would accuse me of hiring winos to play my lawyers.

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One of the five required date questions. If you’re paying attention, you’ll catch them all.

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It looked like Larry was going to cry again, so I figured I’d cut my losses.

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Everyone likes a good Christopher Walken impression, since it’s typically the closest you get to the real thing, but Len’s overuse could be positively maddening.

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Morty’s ears are positively enormous.

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Just a regular landscaper. Nothing suspicious about that.

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True. But these sessions are personal, so I’m going to keep them that way.

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An asterisk marks where a dating rule from the magazine has been broken.

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I know, I was breaking character, but I needed more liquid courage. I found my own performance deeply disturbing.

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Indeed, it is.

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Bernie Peterson, ex-cop. Old guy I sublet from. If you want to know more about Bernie, read previous documents.

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Bernie’s ex-showgirl sweetheart. They live in Vegas, in case you were wondering.

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I’m not saying another word.

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I used finger quotes, yes.

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The pistachio thug turned out to be none other than Jeremy Pratt. I left him in the hallway too long and he got bored, as boys like him tend to. I remember smelling pistachios on his breath. When he emptied his pockets of paperwork, no shells flew out. They had to go somewhere. It took my mom this long to notice the empty shells since Rae liked to replenish the bowl whenever it dipped just an inch.

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Mom’s slightly unstable older sister.

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See, an utterly appropriate response.

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We found it amusing too.

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I learned to ask questions like this in therapy.

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Don’t worry. Robbie threatens this every time we get into a fight. He never follows through.

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Even I have to admit, it’s genius. Better than Get Smart and Doctor Who.

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And if I’m calling it amateurish, you know it’s bad.

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Don’t ask.

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It’s a beautiful city, with wonderful residents, but the per capita crazy has got to be the highest in the country.

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I checked the pantry on my first inspection. No popcorn in sight. And that smell lingers. There was no smell. What do they take me for?

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To be explained shortly.

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Petra is a hairstylist. In the past she’s kept my locks within the borders of presentable.

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Miniature golf.

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Not a complete untruth, minus the killer part. I’ve played tennis before, is my point.

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If there was one thing I was going to miss from these dates, it was the good food and drink. Although I’d have preferred to consume it in casual attire.

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Yep, I called him garçon.

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He was paying.

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For details, see previous document-Revenge of the Spellmans-now available in paperback!

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Always get a last name.

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Which sort of implies that there are more than seven.

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Right about then I could have used a shot of bourbon.

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And I’m not saying Irishmen make more messes than any other kind of man.

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It had been stipulated that the David bar closed after one beverage.

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Pronounced fuh, not foe.

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Seventeen.

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See previous document-Revenge of the Spellmans-now available in paperback!

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The unit actually agreed to three viewings in a row, but that wasn’t enough for me.

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Honestly, I was really surprised Mom didn’t go for that one.

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There are two camps of instructors at Rae’s high school: pro-Rae and anti-Rae. The anti-Rae camp is fairly proactive.

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Theft of property under $500, typically.

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A spot of blood can be found anywhere, any time. Blood is all over the place. Or so I’ve heard.

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Notice how I refrained from telling him just to call it “dope,” not “the dope.” I have more restraint than I am generally credited with.

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A pastime I have enjoyed myself on occasion.

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It’s kind of sweet, if you think about it.

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Yeah, I read it. Well, I read the CliffsNotes.

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Yes, someone else did the math for me. Okay?

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A petition to the court to question whether the person is lawfully imprisoned.

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I’m sorry. I had to quote Brando at least once on these dates.

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Turns out, it was kind of interesting. Mr. Blank tried to get Petra’s and my attention by pointing out that the document was written in a bar on 100 percent hemp paper. Unfortunately, the mentioning of hemp paper just got us paranoid.

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I returned home about eight hours late after a school excursion.

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That was back in the divine days before the digital camera. All you needed was the photo and the negative and it was like erasing history.

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I guess I forgot to mention that Connor had called at least a dozen times since the opening of my photography/egg exhibit.

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I’m speaking of the Benson from Soap, the brilliant sitcom from the seventies. (I am also in favor of the spinoff Benson but not offering as strong a recommendation.)

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For answers, see appendix.

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I wanted to prepare Demetrius for the experience of seeing people talk on their cell phones all the time.

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Question #9 is courtesy of David. He’s still really mad about the lack of current moon exploration.

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If you’ve been reading these documents in order, you get that reference.

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Why is it that I liked him even more after I learned he had asthma?

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Sure, he could have washed it; but it’s really hard to get blood out of denim and Merriweather didn’t strike me as an expert on stain removal.

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Morty’s favorite deli.

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They totally knew it was Rae.

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Not really. I had them worked out.

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Which is why I asked what was for dinner in the first place.

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That reminds me. I should include this in a future Merriweather quiz.

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Primarily a zero-interest loan.