The Space in Between (41 page)

Her eyes look away first, followed up closely by her legs crossing and uncrossing repetitively as her fingers tap together before she finally has enough and silences the movement by laying them out flat across her knees. Making it pretty obvious that this is the last thing she wants to hear. I don’t care. Her reaction is not going to be a deterrent for me. Emery means too much.

Rose has gotten her way long enough.

“I always knew I was going through the motions after my mom died, but it was never as noticeable as it was when I ended up here in September and your daughter almost ran me down. She may not have crashed into me that day, but the truth of the way I was living sure did. I was empty inside and faking pretty much every interaction I had. Just going through the motions and doing what I felt my dad would want and what would make my mom proud. Your daughter, my Emery, she changed all of that.”

“In the weeks leading up to the move, every time I thought about starting over, I would have a panic attack.  All the blood would rush to my head and it felt like someone was holding a plastic bag over me, smothering me until I couldn’t breathe. I was twisted up in knots all the time because the thought of having to fake things more than I already was, scared the crap out of me.  That first day and every other one after it though, it was surprisingly easy.  I could breathe easier, I could feel again, and all the robotic crap that I spent four years becoming the master of seemed to fall away.”

“Rose, your daughter made me feel alive when for so long I wished that I was as dead as my mom. In a lot of ways, I already was because inside I went with her when she passed. Emery, apart from making me believe in love, made me believe in something again, but most of all, she taught me that life could be about more than just my loss.”

“I guess what I’m trying to say with all this is…Emery saved my life.”

Where I expect her to lift her hands to her ears to block me out or turn even further away from me in her chair, she surprises me by finally lifting her eyes back up to meet mine, giving me exactly what I said I was after when I first sat down.

The chance to get to know her.

“She did the same thing for me the day she was born and she hasn’t stopped in the seventeen years after.”

“So do you understand the question now?”

“I understood it before, Christian, but before, just like now, I’m not sure what good it will do hearing the answer.”

“Fine, we’ll move on from it. Can I ask you an easier one?”

“Alright.”

“Why were you so against me and Emery dating when you first figured it out?”

“I saw it ending badly.”

“How? Are you psychic or something? Why did your mind instantly go there?”

“Honestly, I’ve always been that way. Always seeing the worst case scenario in my head. Which is exactly what I told your father, but what I didn’t tell him and probably should have is, the reason it was so easy for me to want the two of you apart was because I stopped seeing the both of you and could only see myself.”

Well, that’s a whole lot more than I was expecting to get. 

“When I met Emery’s father in high school, it had only taken me a few days to know he was my forever and always. I was seventeen and didn’t know any better. There had been signs that he wasn’t the right one, but I ignored them all because I loved him so completely. The very same way I saw Emery loving you. I could see the heartbreak she would experience, the same as I did when it all fell apart a few years later and I wanted to spare her.”

“But why did you see heartbreak? My dad might have felt weird about us being together, but he still accepted it for what it was. You immediately wanted us to end.”

“Again, that all comes back to my own personal experience. Sure, the situations were different, but at the time and even now, I continue to see her repeating my mistakes because she’s still so young. With so much of life ahead of her, I want to make things easier than they were for me.”

“Breaking up with me, you know she did that for you, right?”

“I’m sure asking you to keep it a secret and you complying also played a part in it, but yes, I’m well aware that I’m the reason she made the choice she did and why she’s no longer here.”

“Have you even tried telling her any of this? Explaining everything you just told me?”

“No, because it’s about more than just my past, Christian. Apart from everything I’ve told you, I still believe that the two of you being together is wrong.”

“But why?”

I need her to explain this to me. Make me understand why she is so damn against us because I don’t think I can support a marriage between her and my dad until I do. I need to know how her mind works if I’m going to one day refer to her as my family.

As my step-mom.

“All Emery ever wanted was for me to be with her father. She never came right out and said those words specifically, but she wanted it. She needed her dad, or at the very least, a devoted and wonderful man in her life that could teach her and give her things that as her mother, I just couldn’t no matter how hard I tried. She can have that with Nick and I think even you can agree with that.”

She’s right. The wish we made to the sky the night her mom caught us together is proof of that. I was wishing at the time for the guy her mom was dating to step up and now, I know for a fact I was wishing for my dad.

Nick Cayne for all of his faults and the way he disconnected after losing my mom, is still one of the best men I’ve ever known. He would love Emery the same way he loves me, if not more. Giving his own life up to make sure hers is a happy one.

Which is a lot of the reason why I’m sitting here and fighting right now.

We both want the same thing.

Emery happy.

“He would love her with everything he had.”

“So now you see why I can’t let the way I feel about this go. Christian, you’re a wonderful young man. From everything I’ve seen and been shown through the short amount of time we’ve spent together, I know that about you instinctively, but no matter how good of a man you are and will be in the future, you’re also the one thing standing between Emery and the dream she spent years wishing would come true.”

“How do you figure I’m preventing her from getting everything she wants?”

“By loving her the way you do.”

“And because of who my father is.”

“Yes.”

“Rose, I don’t mean any disrespect by anything I might say next, but I think there’s some things you need to know about me that you obviously don’t, or won’t allow yourself to.”

Pausing, giving her time to react to what I’ve said or at the very least prepare herself for anything of offense that might follow once I start, I wait her out until after a few seconds where all I can hear the ticking of the clock as it continues to move behind me, she motions with her hand for me to continue.

“I’m not Emery’s father. I may be the same age as him when you loved him, and I may even feel about her the same way that you felt about him, but I am not him. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to live without her for weeks now—months really—and I haven’t been able to. When I should have been able to give up and walk away, or gotten sick of fighting a losing battle, I didn’t. I stayed. I won’t ever leave her the way he did with you, and I know that you think that her being with me would prevent her from having the love of a really great dad, but you’re wrong about that too. It’s like my dad told me. She’s going to get his love in the future, the same way she has it now, because whether you accept it or you don’t, she’ll be getting it as my wife. He’s going to be her father in-law.”

If practically announcing my intent to marry her daughter in the future phases her at all, she doesn’t show it. The fidgeting from before is long gone now and her face is a blank slate. As much as I’d hoped I’d be able to read her, figure out where she’s going to go after this, I can’t.

“I love your daughter and with all of the signs that led me to her, forcing me to acknowledge what was happening between us, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will love her forever. She’s as much a part of the shape and beat of my heart as my mom is and she always will be.”

There has to be a reason their names are so similar. Emily and Emery. It’s because it’s another sign, only this time, from my mom.

Before she can even open her mouth to speak, I lift my hand and silence her.

I’m not done.

She can say whatever she wants to me after the fact, but I am not leaving here until I’ve said everything that I knew I would before I even got in my truck to come over. She’s going to get it all.

“You don’t need to like it, you don’t even need to understand it, but I would really like it if you would at least try and accept it. The future isn’t written, but this is. Emery and I, we’re infinite. We’re the forever and always you wanted to have when you were our age, and the one you can have with my dad if you just allow yourself to.”

“I don’t know what you expect me to say. I’m not even sure that I know what the right thing is right now. You’ve said quite a lot and given me a lot to think about.”

“Say that you’ll marry my dad and continue to make him as happy as you have been for the last eight months. Say that while you’re not totally on board with Emery and I, you won’t continue to force her to relive your mistakes and you’ll allow her to be happy. Most of all, just say that you’ll think about everything I’ve said, because for once, this doesn’t have to be the worst case from your past. It can be the best case in your future.”

“I’ll try, Christian. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I’ll try.”

She has no idea what I was expecting to hear and just how moved I am by the two words she did say, but something tells me with what’s going to happen next, it won’t be all that long before she finds out.

It’s time to bring Emery home.

Chapter Thirty-Three

May 2015

Emery

“Come on! You gotta do this, Ems! You’ve been avoiding everything since you moved in with Janice.”

Yeah well, call me crazy, but I don’t think the thing to bring me out of my funk is a party.

Especially when it’s one that Johnny only knows about because of Gavin.

With as many times as I’ve had to pick him up around town because of his need to always be there for his brother, the last thing I want to do is willingly become a part of it.

“Sorry, JD. I’m not changing my mind.”

“It’s the last freaking blow out of the year. When are you going to get your drink and party on after this? With you going to NYFA next year and moving a bazillion miles away from me and this place, it’ll never happen.”

Can’t exactly argue that point. With me receiving my early acceptance to the New York Film Academy’s photography program a week before, it’s pretty much a given that I’m out of Toronto and my best friends everyday life the second I graduate.

On to bigger and better things.

Things that don’t involve a certain brown haired boy I can’t seem to get out of my head.

Damnit.

I’d been doing so well. Time to start the timer again. Hopefully this time I can go a little longer than a day without thinking about Christian.

“You know I don’t do parties, Johnny. So why the hell is this one so important? Is it because you need backup in case things get out of hand with Gavin?”

“Nah, Gav’s been doing better. Been off the junk for a couple weeks now. Things are looking better, and after he got picked up for possession, it looks like my parents aren’t going to be able to turn the other cheek anymore.”

“So if it’s not Gavin, what is it? You usually don’t care if I come to these things.”

“Did you miss the part where I said one last hoorah?”

Grinning and tapping my finger against my chin, when he shakes his head, I laugh. “Pretty sure I got that part.”

“Then just say yes so I can stop harassing you.” Pressing both of his hands together, batting his eyes at me and getting nowhere, he resorts to begging. “You know you want to. Please, please, please say you’ll go to the party with me!”

“What about April? Shouldn’t you be more worried about taking her?”

“That’s over. She only wanted me for my body.” He winks and offering up an eye roll, I turn and start making my way to the front door and the bike that awaits me.

Memories of Christian, us joking around, fighting over the radio, and the kissing in the backseat became too hard on a day to day so I opted to start riding my bike. It might be hell on my legs by the time I get to my aunts, but every night before I pass out, I can safely say I’m memory free.

If only it could work the same way when I’m in school, I’d be all set.

He was right with what he said to me before I left.

I can’t escape him and what we shared by moving across town. It did follow me. I’m pretty sure it’s always going to. I can’t believe that I thought I’d get off easy.

“You’re not gonna stop until I say yes, are you?” I ask once we’ve reached the bike racks.

“Aww, Ems! That’s as good as saying yes. I’ll take it!” He grins, throwing his arms around me and squeezing.

“No, it’s not.”

“Yes it is.”

“Ugh, fine. But the next time you accuse me of not doing something with you, I’m gonna kick you in the balls.”

“Oh freshman year, how I miss you.” He sings, laying his hands in the shape of a heart over his chest.

“You’re twisted, JD. Sometimes I worry about you.”

“I’d be more worried about yourself, princess.” He laughs, bopping me on the nose with his finger before leaning in and speaking softly. “You’re the one that’s friends with me.”

Turning away and starting to walk with what looks like an extra spring in his step, I sigh before turning my attention back to getting the bike lock off and pulling it out far enough to climb on.  Doing a quick scan of the surrounding area and making sure that he who I’ve been trying not to name—much less think about—is nowhere to be found, I slide onto the seat and kick the bike into high gear.