The Sins of the Mother (15 page)

“Are you okay, Grandma?” he asked her again. They shared a tender bond, even more than she did with the girls.

“I’m fine.” She decided to be honest with him then. He was old enough to understand. “I missed a lot when my children were young. I was working all the time, and I’m sad about it now. And you can’t change history and fix your mistakes. That’s a good thing to keep in mind. It’s better to get it right the first time around, because that’s the only chance you’ve got.”

“I think you did it all right. Everyone seems fine.”

“I hope so. But they missed having their mother around. And I missed out on a lot too. Your grandfather and great-grandmother were around more than I was.”

“Yeah, but if you hadn’t done all that, we wouldn’t have all this,” he said, pointing to the boat with a grin, and she laughed.

“That’s true. But that’s not what’s important,” she reminded him.

“No,” he conceded, “but it sure is nice. I love this boat, Grandma. Thank you for taking us on it.”

“I’m having a great time too,” she said, happy that her grandson was enjoying it. They all were, and Amanda was just being herself, and enjoying it to the degree she did anything. She was not a team player, and the Graysons were a formidable team. “What about you?” Olivia asked Alex. “Are you okay? Everything the way you want it in your life?” She liked keeping in touch with him, and knowing what he cared about and what was going on. She had good talks with Sophie often too. She wasn’t quite as close to Carole, who was more flighty, and a little lost sometimes like Liz. She and Sophie had more in common.

“I’m okay,” Alex said, but he sounded half-hearted.

“But?” Olivia decided to pursue it. She loved the boy.

“I don’t know. You said you weren’t around when my dad and Phillip and Liz were kids. My parents are around all the time. They never go anywhere, except with me. But in a way, even if they’re around, they really aren’t. Some of my friends say their parents hate each other. I think mine like each other too much. They’re always sitting in a corner whispering, or kissing, or in their room ‘taking a nap.’ I know they love me, but sometimes I feel like there’s no room for me in their life, just for them. They’re so tight, there’s no space for anyone else. Sometimes I sit around at home and I have no one to talk to. At least your kids had each other. I just have me.” It was the dilemma of the only child, but more than that, Olivia understood what he was referring to. Sarah and John’s ongoing romance shut everyone else out of their world, even their son. Olivia sympathized with Alex.

“That’s a hard one. You’re lucky you have parents who like each other so much. But I can see that it would make you feel left out.” Even on the boat, they were constantly disappearing to their cabin, and it was easy to figure out what they were doing. Living in a house with them had to be lonely for Alex, and it sounded like it was. “Have you ever said anything to them about it?”

“No, it’s not going to change. They’ve always been like that, and I’m leaving for college in a year anyway. After I’m gone, they can do whatever they want. That’s why I want to go away, even though Mom wants me to stay in Princeton. I want to get out. But she’d be really upset if I told her why.” Olivia suspected that was true. “And … oh I don’t know … I’m just ready to leave and move on.” She sensed that he was going to tell her something else, but he changed his mind and didn’t.

“Anything else?”

“No, that’s it. And I don’t want you to tell them what I said.”

“I won’t. But maybe you should sometime, just so they know how you feel.”

“They only care about each other,” Alex said, sounding sad. “I wish I had a brother or sister.” It struck Olivia then as she thought about it that life was so ironic. She had been an absentee parent much of the time, so John made a point of being at home with his son all the time, but he was so crazy about his wife that they wound up shutting out their son, who was just as lonely as he might have been if they weren’t around. She realized that we’re all blind to the errors we commit, no matter how glaring they are to others, or the people we hurt when we commit them. In the end, Alex’s childhood was even lonelier than his father’s had been—at least her children had had their father and grandmother paying attention to them. Alex had no one, except two parents who were crazy about each other, to the exclusion of all else.

Alex and his grandmother talked on deck for a long time that night, as the boat motored toward Sardinia in the moonlight. The night sails seemed peaceful and beautiful to Olivia, and when Alex went to bed, Olivia went to her cabin, got into bed, and picked up Liz’s manuscript. She could hardly wait to read it.

Chapter 8

T
he next morning they reached the Strait of Bonifacio just after dawn. It was the stretch of open water between Corsica and Sardinia, and the captain had warned her that it might be rough, but only for a short time, and after that the sea would be smooth again. And as they hit the swells, a series of hard bumps that made the big boat shudder woke Olivia up. She didn’t feel sick, but it was unnerving. She lay in bed, feeling it for a while, and then finally decided to go up on deck and look around. She couldn’t sleep anyway, and it was worse lying in bed, feeling the boat come down hard after every swell. She wondered if it had woken up the others too.

When she went out on deck in her nightgown and bathrobe, she saw Liz huddled in a protected corner of the deck, and Olivia thought she looked a little green. She hadn’t gotten seasick so far, but the Strait of Bonifacio made for a rough hour or two.

“Are you feeling sick?” Olivia asked her daughter with a worried look. She was still wearing the wristbands the crew had given her, and she was convinced they had worked until then. Olivia wasn’t sure if it was psychological or real, but if Liz thought they worked, that was fine.

“A little,” Liz admitted with a weak smile. “It sure got bumpy all of a sudden.”

“It’ll be over soon. It’s just getting between Corsica and Sardinia. The captain said it won’t be more than an hour.” And the boat had stabilizers, fortunately, it would have been worse otherwise, and the
Lady Luck
was a heavy boat, with a steel hull, that helped keep them steady too.

Then Olivia shared some good news with her, hoping it might distract her from the swells. “I read your book last night. Twice. I wanted to be sure of my reaction when I talked to you. You kept me up half the night.” She grinned. “I love it, Liz. It’s absolutely fabulous. I have no doubt someone will want to publish it. I think it’s going to be a runaway best seller, one of those cult books that everyone falls in love with.”

“You’re just saying that,” Liz said mournfully. “You don’t have to lie to me.”

“I never do,” Olivia said seriously, settling a cashmere throw over her daughter’s shoulders. She was shivering in the early morning breeze. “Sarah has no idea what she was looking at. And if you don’t call your agent when you get home, I will.” Her eyes bored into her daughter’s, and Liz grinned.

“You really think it’s any good?” She looked and felt like a child as she asked.

“I sure do. It’s just what I said to you yesterday. It’s not Louis XV furniture, or Shakespeare, but it’s what everybody wants to read, just like what I do at The Factory. I think you’ll be just as successful with your book. You need a title, by the way,” she reminded her.

“I was thinking of calling it
Crap
,” Liz said, and they both laughed.

“It has kind of a catchy ring,” Olivia added, and they laughed again. She put an arm around her daughter’s shoulders and looked her in the eye. “I’m very, very, very proud of you. It’s terrific! I just had a feeling it would be. Thank you for having the courage to let me read it. I’m very excited for you about this book.”

“Now what do I do?” Liz said nervously. She had been sure her mother would hate it too.

“Call your agent. He’ll know which publisher to show it to.” The idea that it might actually work and someone would publish it took Liz’s breath away.

“I’m scared,” she said honestly. She had been braced for failure all her life. She had never thought about what it would be like to face success. It might even be worse.

“Everybody’s scared. I’m scared a lot of the time too. A lot of things can go wrong in life, like your father dying so young, and mine even younger than that. But a lot of things can go right too. I think you’re due for some good luck. I really hope this will be it.”

“Thank you,” she said, and squeezed her mother’s hand. What she had just said meant the world to her. And for some reason she had more faith in her mother than she did in Sarah. Her mother had a point about Sarah being an intellectual snob. She hadn’t understood any of what Liz had tried to do. Her mother did. “I’ll call my agent when I get home.”

And then Olivia brought up something else that had haunted her all night, along with Liz’s book. “You know, all those stories you and the boys told last night about when you were kids. It really brought it home to me how much I was away. I don’t remember a single one of those stories. I’m so sorry I was gone so much. If I could do it differently, I would. It’s too late now, but I just want you to know that I regret it.”

“I know you do, Mom. And honestly, we were okay. Daddy and Granibelle were great to us, and so were you when you were home. Somebody had to do what you did, and I don’t think Dad could have. It had to be you.”

“I missed so much of your childhood, though. You and John seem to have made your peace with it. But Cass and Phillip never will.”

“Phillip was always a big complainer, even when he was a kid,” Liz said, and Olivia laughed. Even from what she remembered, it was true. And Cass had been angry from the day she was born. Liz had been a happy, peaceful baby, and sunny child, and so was John. It was just who they were, even as kids.

The two women sat holding hands until the swells died down, and enjoying the peaceful sunny morning. Olivia sensed that something important had happened between them, and Liz felt it too. And in some ways it had happened because of her book. But forgiveness came easily with Liz, more so than with the others. Olivia realized that not all her children would forgive her, but if even some of them did, or just Liz, it was a gift. But to Phillip and Cass, her sins had been unforgivable, or that was how it seemed to Olivia now. And no matter how much she regretted it, it didn’t change the past. History couldn’t be rewritten, and what mattered was how her children viewed it, no matter how good her intentions had been.

The sea was flat again as they approached Sardinia, and by the time they slid into port in Porto Cervo, and tied up at the dock, with yachts as large as theirs on either side, Liz felt fine again. She and Olivia ordered breakfast, and they were just finishing when the others came up. Amanda said she had felt the swells, and she looked a little green. Phillip and John hadn’t felt a thing. Sarah didn’t seem to mind it, and the kids all thought it was fun. Neither Liz nor her mother mentioned that Olivia had read the book and loved it. They decided to be diplomatic and not say anything, so as not to challenge Sarah’s literary authority.

And Amanda was excited about going ashore. Sardinia was well-known for its great shopping and expensive stores. It was a hangout for the rich and famous, and Amanda seemed to come alive just looking at the other yachts and sensing the kind of people who hung out there.

The crew were standing by to escort them ashore as soon as they were ready. They were going to go swimming after lunch, but until then shopping was the order of the day. And even Olivia couldn’t wait to look around.

Every important Italian store was represented on the island. Gucci, Prada, Loro Piana, Bulgari, Grisogono, and an assortment of equally expensive local stores, selling everything from furs to jewels. There were several art galleries along the port, which Alex and his father and uncle explored to pass the time. Sarah went back to the boat before the others, since she didn’t want to buy any of the clothes she saw. She thought it was all much too expensive, and she met up with the boys. John was studying the paintings in the art galleries with interest. The other women stayed in town until lunchtime, and returned heavily laden with the spoils of war. Olivia even bought herself a short fur jacket, and treated her daughters, granddaughters, and daughter-in-law to a shopping spree at Prada and several other stores. She was always generous with them when they traveled together, and wanted them all to have fun. She bought Liz a gorgeous black leather jacket, and Amanda had found a very elegant black wool coat. They were delighted with what they’d bought when they met up with the others on the boat. Lunch had just been set out, and the captain offered to make a reservation for them at the popular local nightclub, the Billionaire. Olivia thought it sounded like fun.

“I hate nightclubs,” Amanda said as they sat down to lunch, her good mood of the morning instantly dispelled. “I’m staying home.”

“I hear it’s a terrific place,” Olivia tried to encourage her, to no avail, but Phillip said he’d join them. And the kids were excited to go.

“I haven’t been to a nightclub in years,” Olivia admitted, but she wanted to be with them, and she liked watching the young people have fun. In her youth, she and Joe had loved to dance, but the dances had been very different then. He had been a wonderful dancer, and they’d had some terrific times.

“We’ll teach you, Grandma,” Sophie insisted, and her sister and cousin chimed in. They asked for a reservation at midnight, when the captain told them nothing started until then, or even later than that.

The boat pulled out of port as soon as they finished lunch, and they found a sheltered spot to go swimming, and Olivia rode the jet ski with Alex again. She felt comfortable riding behind him now. And Phillip and John took out two of the other jet skis and raced each other in big loops around the boat. They were having as much fun as the kids.

They stayed out until almost dinnertime, used the gym and had massages, and took their time dressing for dinner. They had asked for dinner at ten that night, and afterward they would go to the Billionaire. And when they met again for dinner, everyone had made an effort and gotten dressed up. Olivia was wearing white satin pants with a pretty organza blouse. Amanda was wearing a slinky white dress, even though she wasn’t coming to the nightclub. Liz was wearing a halter top she had borrowed from one of her daughters, both of whom looked fabulous in sexy little dresses, and Sarah was wearing one of her flowery print dresses and the hairdresser on the boat had done wonders with her hair. She looked less like a professor than a pretty young woman, and John beamed as soon as he saw her. And Alex was wearing black jeans and a white shirt. They were a handsome group as they sat down to dinner, and even more so when they got to the nightclub. The women had all added high heels to their outfits, and they had to get their land legs back as they walked in.