She wanted to scream,
Yes!
But Ava flashed to the image of Malachi as he battled Grigori in the alley in Kuşadası, the graceful thrusts and twisting combat. The powerful way his muscles moved under his shirt. She didn’t think she’d ever be able to match that. What was she thinking?
“I… I don’t know if I—”
“You can’t.” Astrid cut her off. “You never will. You are not Irin. You will learn physical fighting—we learned our lesson two hundred years ago—but Irin have their strengths”—her eyes flickered to Damien—“and we have ours. To fight as an Irina, you must learn to use magic. And we can teach you that. The scribes think we withdrew?” She shrugged. “That just shows you how well we can hide.”
A surge of desire shot through Ava. The dark voices whispered in her mind and a ripple of power teased her lips.
Kill them,
they whispered.
Take them. Hurt them as they hurt you. Hurt them more…
“You want that,” Astrid said.
“Yes.”
“I can see. But before any of that happens, you must do something else.”
“What?”
Astrid’s voice softened. “You must rest, sister. You must grieve. And you must heal.”
The Irina’s words were sour in her ears. An ache rose in her heart, and she tried to push it back.
“I’d rather just kill something,” Ava whispered.
“You try to forget him, but you can’t. You never will. He is the other half of your soul.”
“Astrid,” Damien said softly, but the Irina ignored him.
“Half of you died with him, Ava.”
“Shut up.”
“Half of you died, but you must understand,
half of him still lives
.”
She could feel the tears welling. Tears she’d shunned. Tears she forced herself to battle back. If she let them loose, they would fall forever.
“He lives in you.”
“Shut. Up.” She choked on the lump in her throat. “You have no idea—”
“I have every idea.” Astrid took a hand and put it to her throat. Then a whisper came from her lips in the Old Language, and the marks on her skin began to glow. Her mating marks were intricate, like gold lace covering her skin. When she pulled her hand away from her throat, Ava saw a band appear. Duller than the other marks, it crossed her collarbone and disappeared over her shoulders.
“What is that?” Ava asked.
Damien put his hand on Astrid’s shoulder, leaning down. “Too soon, sister.”
Astrid blinked and her mating marks disappeared. “Of course. Forgive me, Damien. I forget myself.”
“A rare occurrence, if I remember correctly.”
“Not so rare as before,” she said with a smile. She turned back to Ava, all friendly business again. “Shall we meet in an hour? That will give you time to dress and eat some breakfast. Did Karen bring a basket?”
“Yes, it’s in the kitchen.”
“Good.” Astrid nodded brusquely. “Eat something, dress warmly. Good shoes. I’ll be back in an hour to show you around.”
“I’ll be ready.”
“And if you need anything, if you’re not sleeping well… Just know that’s very normal when we lose a mate. I can help if you wish it. I’m the resident healer here.”
Damien stepped to the door as Astrid walked toward it. “Thank you.”
Ava saw him grasp Astrid’s hand in both of his. Saw the gentle hold she knew must be easing some of the other woman’s tension. Then Astrid smiled sweetly at him and left.
“She’s a widow,” Ava said a few moments after the door closed. “Astrid. She’s a widow.”
Damien nodded. “Yes.”
“What was that band around her throat? Does that happen when…”
“No,” he said softly. “Nothing has changed with your mating marks, Ava. Astrid wears a mourning collar to show respect for her lost mate, but it’s not permanent like a mating mark.”
“How long?”
“He was killed during the Rending. He was a good man. A friend.”
Ava looked out the window. She could still see Astrid walking along the pathway to the large colorful house where most of the Irina lived. Her soft brown curls bounced cheerfully and she saw her stop another woman and exchange some words that made both throw their heads back in laughter. Would she ever laugh like that again? Would she mourn for two hundred years, as Astrid had?
Half of you died with him.
Only half? It felt like more.
As if he could read her mind, Damien said, “You will take your own path to healing, Ava. Don’t ever look to another to rule your grief.”
She didn’t want to think about Malachi. Didn’t want to think about her dark dreams and the dull pain that lived in her chest.
Ava slid on a facade and turned from the window. “I heard someone brought breakfast?”
Hours later, she was walking through the valley with Astrid, drinking in the beauty of the water and the sky. The hills rolled softly up from the fjord, and the houses dotted the green meadows that rested in the shadow of the mountains. The retreat was far from just a collection of houses. There were greenhouses, workshops, even animals the community kept for milk and eggs.
“We’re mostly self-sustained. We try to keep to ourselves. The people in the nearest town think we’re hippies.” Astrid smiled. “They leave us alone, for the most part.”
“How many women?”
“It varies. Some of the older Irina, those Sari trusts the most, come and go. Living here full time, there are probably fifty or so.”
“The ones who come and go, what do they do?”
“Various things. Some maintain ties to the human world. A few have mates in active service in a scribe house somewhere relatively close. Most do other things that protect this haven and a few others like it around the world. So much of the world is run on the Internet now. We’re hardly isolated at all.”
“So there are other places like this? Where?”
Astrid glanced at her. “Sari doesn’t know you that well.”
“And everyone just follows Sari?” Ava found that hard to believe.
“At the end of the day,” Astrid said with a smile, “this is really her house. Her land. She doesn’t force any of us to stay, but where else would we go?”
“What about the scribe houses? Or that council they told me about in Vienna?”
“The council?” She sneered. “Old men who think Irina shouldn’t leave the house. The council of the elders thinks the only thing Irina are good for is breeding little scribes and inventing things to make them rich. They’re the ones who isolated us in retreats to begin with. They’re the ones who allowed the Rending to happen.”
Ava was shocked by the ire in the woman’s voice.
“Okay, then what about the scribes? The ones in Istanbul—”
Astrid stopped walking. “The Irin are far from one mind about this. You’ve seen Damien and Sari. You know they’re equal partners. I’m sure your mate was the same. They keep to the old ways. Many of the scribes are just like that, because that’s the way it’s supposed to be.”
“So—”
“But that’s not the reality. Before the Rending—even now—many Irin wanted the Irina powerless. If we were their equals, then that made the scribes less, in their eyes. Twisted, I know, but some of the sickness of the human world has crept into the Irin race, as well.”
“So why withdraw?” Ava asked. “You can’t change things if you just disappear.”
“We didn’t have much of a choice at first. And now?” Astrid shrugged and continued walking. “We change things. In our own way.”
“In secret. So that no one knows what you’re doing or where you are?”
“If that’s the way it needs to be? Yes. Do you think we want to paint another target on our back?”
“Why can’t you work
with
the scribes? Work together? Malachi said that Irin were most powerful when they were mated.”
“Yes, because we can loan them Irina power when they go into battle,” Astrid’s voice was acid. “Why do you think the Grigori decimated us as they did? Most of the Irina were weak from loaning our mates magic. So when we were attacked ourselves, we were vulnerable. You think we will chance that again? Think we will put our sisters and the few children we still have at risk so that the Irin gain glory?”
“Malachi loaned me his power,” Ava said. “And I gave him nothing. He went into battle weak so that I could be strong. And he died because of it. He sacrificed his own safety for mine.”
Astrid said nothing for a moment.
“Your mate will be rewarded in the heavens.” Astrid spoke quietly as she continued walking. “The Creator values nothing more than love. And what is love that does not sacrifice?”
“But you’re acting like he’s the only one.” Ava shook her head. “Malachi and his brothers treated me like some sort of royalty when I was at the scribe house in Istanbul. Don’t you realize? There are men—
good
scribes—out there. Fighting against the Grigori who harm people. Fighting against the Fallen. And they’re doing it alone. They’re mourning mates and children,
alone
.” Ava thought of the devastated faces of the scribes in Cappadocia. The longing she’d seen in Rhys’s face. In all of Malachi’s brothers. “They would give anything to have the Irina back.”
“
They
might, but you know little of the Irin world, Ava. One group of good scribes does not mean that we are safe from all. There are still those who want us silent. And that is something we will not be.”
Ava said nothing. Astrid was right. She knew little about the Irin world outside her own narrow experience. It was an argument she couldn’t win. At least, not at the moment. Plus, she was tired. The time change, the travel. Her restless nights all seemed to be catching up with her. It must have shown on her face.
“Come,” Astrid said. “You’re tired. We’ll go to the house for lunch. Then you can rest.”
“I thought I wasn’t allowed in the house.”
“No.” Astrid smiled. “
Damien
isn’t allowed in the house—for now—and he insisted on staying close to you. Which is why you’re in one of the cottages. You’re Irina. You’re always welcome in Sari’s house.”
“But her mate isn’t?” Ava shook her head. “I gotta meet this woman.”
Astrid’s smile was mischievous. “You will.”
When Ava walked into Sari’s house, the energy of the place almost knocked her over. Her exhaustion fled immediately, even before Astrid led her to the dining hall.
Far from institutional, the dining hall in the house was attached to the kitchen. So while some of the women cooked, others sat at the table, some chatting and keeping company with the cooks, others working on their own projects. Ava saw one black-haired woman working on a laptop and slugging coffee back, seemingly oblivious to the chaos around her. Another was knitting an intricate scarf. Still another was playing a guitar in one corner while two others listened. The whole mess created a lively hum over Ava’s skin that echoed the sudden jolt of power in her blood.
And sitting at the end of the table, braiding the hair of a girl no older than twelve, was Sari. Her long blond hair fell almost to her waist, and her face was softer than the first time Ava had seen her. The girl tilted her head back and Sari kissed her forehead before she shooed her away. She wore a soft blue sweater that brought out the color of her eyes. She noticed Astrid and Ava, and her eyes narrowed a bit as she waved them over.
Sitting down on the bench to her left, Astrid motioned to the chair across from her that backed up to one of the stoves.
“Sit there,” she said. “It’s the warmest spot.”
“I’m fine.”
“Sari, this is Ava. She’s not a dumb human.” Astrid waved her hands between the two. “And Ava, this is Sari. She’s as mean as she looks, but she won’t bite unless she has to.”
“Ha ha,” Sari said, rolling her eyes at the woman who was obviously a close friend. Then she turned to Ava. “Damien told Astrid that you’ve traveled to Norway before?”
“Yes, for work.”
“You’re a photographer?”
“I am.”
“Welcome to my country. And to my home.”
“Thank you.”
The woman looked amused at Ava’s terse answers. “Have I offended you in some way?”
Ava decided that Sari would respect the direct approach. “I showed up and you tried to bash in the head of the guy who’s been protecting me. Even though he’s your mate. What do you think?”
The room fell almost silent around them, but Ava never let her eyes leave Sari’s. Sari said nothing, but the smile never left her lips.
“And how is this your business, Ava Sakarya? Did I attack you?”
Ava supposed she had a point. It wasn’t her business. Not really. So why was she so resentful of the woman? “No, you didn’t attack me. I just think… you’re lucky to have him,” Ava said in a low voice, her eyes flicking to Astrid. “Not all of us do.”
Was it her imagination, or did a hint of guilt cross Sari’s face?
“I suppose you’re right. Then again, he’s quite lucky to have me, as well.”
“I’m sure he’d say the same thing.”