CAROL GIRARD
C
arol placed the bouquet of fresh flowers in the center of the dinner table and stepped back to examine her handiwork. She’d walked down to Pike Place Market early in the afternoon and purchased the white lilies and red astromeria, along with fresh salmon and just-picked baby asparagus spears. She’d arranged the flowers herself, using a porcelain vase that had come with the roses Doug had sent on their last anniversary.
For so many years, all her efforts and energy had gone into her career. When she’d first quit her job she’d faltered, unsure of how to fill her days. She would’ve been completely lost if not for her online support group. These women had become as close as sisters; they all struggled with the problems of infertility and gave each other information and encouragement. She was heartened to discover that several of the other women had started knitting for relaxation and a sense of accomplishment. Carol shared those goals, but for her knitting was also a symbol of the life she wanted to live,
would
live—as a mother.
Everything had changed for the better the day she’d found the knitting shop on Blossom Street.
After meeting Lydia and the others last week, it was as if a whole world had opened up to her. For the first time she looked upon her condo as more than a place to sleep and occasionally entertain. It was her home and she decided to make it a real one, with small feminine touches that conveyed her love for her husband and soon-to-be child.
Usually when her brother stopped by they went out to eat. This evening, Carol was cooking their meal. Rick had sounded troubled when he’d phoned and she wanted to create a comfortable, intimate atmosphere where they could talk freely. The shopping and flower-arranging had taken up most of the afternoon, but she’d loved every minute of it. Six months ago she would’ve scoffed at the idea of arranging flowers or spending a morning wandering the aisles at a local farmer’s market. Now those small domestic activities were a source of pleasure and satisfaction. Because she was doing them for her family.
Rick called from the lobby and Carol hurried to meet him at the door, hugging her brother hard as soon as he stepped inside.
“Well, well,” Rick said, leaning back, apparently surprised by the warmth of her greeting. “I didn’t expect to be knocked off my feet.”
“Sorry. It’s just that it’s so good to see you.”
Rick laughed and looked around the condo. “Where’s Doug?”
“He phoned—he’s running late. I’m sure he won’t be much longer.”
She glanced at her watch as she led Rick into the living room. Doug hadn’t shown nearly as much enthusiasm about this dinner with Rick as she had. “Would you like a beer?” Her brother preferred ale to hard liquor. He only drank when he was twenty-four hours from flying.
“I’d love one.” He sat down where he had an unobstructed view of the waterfront and was quiet for a long moment as he gazed out the window. He accepted the beer and smiled his thanks. “Can I do anything to help with dinner?”
“Not a thing. Everything’s almost ready.”
“You’ve done all right for yourself, little sister,” he said, sounding almost sad. He tipped back the beer bottle and took a drink.
“So have you,” she told him.
Rick chuckled softly. “Have I?”
“My goodness, Rick,” she said, trying to lighten his somber mood. “You’re a pilot for a major airline. It’s your dream come true.” Her brother had worked his way up through the ranks. For as long as Carol could remember, Rick had talked about being a pilot. From the time he could drive, he started hanging around airports, talking to the pilots, learning what he could.
He smiled as if in agreement. “I should be happy, then, right?”
“You aren’t?” She went into the living room, abandoning the salad she’d set on the counter. The finishing touches could wait. Sitting across from him, she leaned close. “What’s wrong?”
“Sorry, sorry.” He laughed off the question. “I don’t know what came over me. I’m fine. Forget I said anything.”
“I’m not going to forget it. Now, tell me what’s on your mind. You didn’t come all this way to check out my view for the umpteenth time.”
He shrugged, dismissing her question. “Actually, I was in a great mood until I saw what you’ve done with the place.”
“Exactly what have I done?” Carol asked with a smile. “And why would that ruin your mood?”
Her brother looked around, and, after a few minutes, frowned. “I don’t know
exactly,
but there’s a difference.”
He’d noticed. Actually, everything was in the same place it’d been during his last visit. The furniture was all the same, too; outwardly very little had changed. Yet the condo felt transformed. The flowers and polished wood and shining glass were small things, but they expressed her new attitude toward home and what it meant. This was a place of love, a place waiting to welcome a child.
“There
is
a difference,” Carol confirmed, “but I’m the one who’s changed. I’m happy, Rick, genuinely happy.”
The forlorn expression on her brother’s face was enough to bring tears to her eyes. “And you’re not,” she said softly.
“No,” he breathed. He leaned forward and braced his arms against his legs, letting the beer dangle between his parted knees. “Nothing seems right without Ellie.”
Her brother and Ellie had divorced a year ago. He’d never spoken of the breakup before, and his willingness to introduce the subject now was an indication of how miserable he was.
“I’m still in love with her,” he confessed, “but I screwed up.”
Carol held her breath. Because she loved and respected both her brother and his wife, she’d done her best to stay out of it. The one conversation she’d had with Ellie since the divorce had been awkward and unsettling, and Carol hadn’t phoned her since.
Carol wasn’t the only one in the dark, either. Even her parents didn’t know what had caused the dissolution of Rick’s marriage. Whatever it was, he seemed to regret his divorce and want his ex-wife back. “Have you been in touch with Ellie?” she asked.
Rick nodded. “She said it’d be better if we went our separate ways. I tried, Carol, I gave it a real effort, but my life isn’t any good without her. I had no idea it would be like this.” He briefly tilted his head toward the ceiling and forcefully expelled his breath. “I hear she’s dating again.”
“That must hurt.” Rick and Ellie had been college sweethearts. Carol remembered the first time she’d met the outgoing blonde. She’d instantly liked Rick’s girlfriend and had hoped to have her as a sister one day.
“The thought of Ellie with some other man is driving me insane. All I can think about is how stupid I’ve been. I’d give anything to work this out with her. If it meant quitting my job, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”
“I’m so sorry.” Carol felt at a loss to help him, especially since she still didn’t know what had gone wrong.
“Yeah, I am, too.”
“Do you want to explain what happened?”
“Ellie didn’t tell you?” he asked, his eyes widening. “I assumed she had.”
Carol shook her head. “I called her after you told me she’d filed for divorce, but she said she’d rather not discuss it.” She didn’t add that Ellie had been sobbing at the time. Until the end, Carol had hoped the two of them would be able to settle their differences and reunite. After the divorce, though, it seemed Ellie was intent on moving forward with her life.
“I’m away from home so much,” her brother said. “It gets lonely, you know?”
This was what Ellie had implied but Carol had refused to accept it. Rick would never do such a thing, she’d told herself. He was her older brother, her hero. Still, she had to know. “You…didn’t have an affair, did you?”
“No,” he said. “It wasn’t like that…But Ellie—well, she can’t accept the fact that I’m around beautiful women on the job and away from home. It became a trust issue.”
Carol wouldn’t feel entirely comfortable with Doug constantly being around other women, either, but she didn’t say so. Her brother didn’t need to hear about her own insecurities.
“I don’t know why she felt that way,” Rick went on. “It’s Ellie I love.” He wiped his face in a weary gesture. “I tried to convince her that she’s the only woman for me but she wouldn’t listen. I can’t believe she threw away our marriage because she didn’t trust me.”
Carol couldn’t believe it, either, but she kept her thoughts to herself. There were two possibilities: Ellie had been jealous and irrational or there was more to Rick’s behavior than he was saying.
“I did everything I could to talk Ellie out of the divorce,” he continued. “Okay, so maybe I was tempted, but hell, what am I supposed to do every night? Sit in my hotel room and watch television? I did go out occasionally. Can you really blame me for that?”
Maybe there
was
some basis for Ellie’s distrust. Still, Carol found it practically inconceivable that her brother would cheat on his wife. He was an honorable man but he was a man, and if he had a drink with a flight attendant or a female pilot now and then—was that so bad? Perhaps Ellie had simply overreacted.
“I suppose I should be grateful we delayed having a family,” he mumbled.
Carol agreed; if there was anything to be grateful for, it was that. She hated the thought of children suffering the upheaval of a broken home.
“Ellie wanted kids, but I wasn’t ready.”
Carol nodded.
“Any idea what I should do now?” he asked, peering at her as if she could provide him with answers.
She patted his arm gently, not knowing how to respond. Rick could be his own worst enemy. He’d always been a sociable person, the life of the party, a natural daredevil, and she’d loved and admired him as her gallant older brother. It saddened her to see how unhappy he was.
“You need to prove yourself to Ellie.”
“But how?” he cried. “I’m telling you, Carol, I’m at my wits’ end. Ellie claims she doesn’t want to see me again.”
“Perhaps you could write to her.”
“Write what?”
“A letter,” she said. “Better yet, use e-mail. Tell her you’re an idiot.”
“I think she already knows that.” For the first time since they’d started talking, she saw a hint of smile on his face. “What if she won’t answer me?”
“Don’t take no for an answer. Let her know you aren’t giving up.”
“Should I send her flowers? That kind of thing?”
“Bring her strawberries and fresh fruit from the Pike Place Market.” Fresh fruit was available in Juneau, but it was extremely expensive. “A whole basket,” Carol suggested. “As I recall, Ellie loves blueberries.”
“She does?”
“Rick! You should know that. She was your wife.”
“That’s the problem,” her brother moaned. “I didn’t pay her near enough attention. I didn’t realize how much I loved her until it was too late.”
“Then you’re going to make up for lost time.”
He grinned, and it was the same boyish smile she remembered from childhood. “Your enthusiasm is catching. You really think I can win her back?”
“Yes,” she cried. It felt good to have her brother turn to her, to need her help. Rick had made a mistake and hadn’t fought for his marriage, but she’d do everything she could to support him.
ALIX TOWNSEND
L
aurel owed Alix, so she had her roommate cover for her the minute Jordan Turner showed up at the video store on Tuesday night. As soon as she saw that he was getting ready to leave, she slipped out front and pretended to be on break. Her hand shook as she lit a cigarette; she leaned against the building and took a deep drag, hoping the nicotine would calm her.
When the door opened and Jordan stepped outside, Alix called to him.
“Hi,” she said.
He looked over his shoulder. “How’s it going?” he asked.
“All right. I didn’t see you earlier,” she lied. “I put aside
The Matrix
for you if you’re still interested.”
“Yeah, sure, thanks.”
“I aim to please.” She reached for her cigarettes and silently offered him one.
“No, thanks.”
She should’ve guessed he was a nonsmoker. She stared at the tip of her lit cigarette. “I’m trying to cut back. These are the low-nicotine cigarettes, but I swear I’m going to end up with a hernia getting any taste out of this.”
He chuckled at her stupid joke and a warm, happy feeling came over her.
“I’ve seen you around the neighborhood,” Jordan said.
“Alix Townsend. Alix, spelled A-L-I-X.” She thrust out her hand, which he shook. “You’re Jordan Turner,” she went on before he had a chance to introduce himself. “Your driver’s license is on file. You live off Fifth Avenue, don’t you?” She didn’t mind letting him know she was interested. She thought of the boy she’d once known with the same name, but that was years ago, back in grade school. He’d been a decent kid, and she’d had a crush on him, but it felt like something that had happened in another time and another place.
“Yeah, that’s me.”
Could
it be the same Jordan Turner? She studied him, wondering if it was possible. She took another deep drag of the cigarette in an effort to calm her rattled nerves.
No, this couldn’t be the same Jordan Turner, she decided. Still, her memories of him were fleeting and she wasn’t absolutely sure. She might have dredged up the courage to ask, except that he continued the conversation.
“I don’t work far from here.”
So he stopped in for videos on his way home from work. Lots of people did.
“You can tell a lot about a person from the videos they rent,” she said casually. She tossed the cigarette onto the sidewalk and crushed it with the toe of her combat boot.
“I’ll bet you can.”
“Do you want to know what I learned about you?” This was one of her best conversational gambits—character analysis through movie selection—although she didn’t have much opportunity to use it.
He grinned, and she was struck by how cute he was when he smiled. Laurel couldn’t understand what Alix saw in a guy as average as Jordan. She couldn’t explain it to her friend, either. Someone attracted to a guy who rented XXX videos just wouldn’t get it.
Jordan leaned against the wall beside her. “Go ahead and tell me what you’ve figured out.”
Flustered now, Alix suddenly found it difficult to express herself. She faltered and struggled with what she wanted to say and to her utter humiliation, she couldn’t do it. In one final attempt to redeem herself, she gestured weakly with her hands and said. “They’re cool, you know.”
“Cool?” Jordan repeated. “You mean I pick cool movies?”
“Yeah.” She wanted to crumple onto the sidewalk and disappear.
“Thank you.”
The heat was radiating from her face. “I’ve got to get back to work,” she said gruffly and without another word, she practically ran back into the store.
To make matters worse, Laurel was waiting for her. “How’d it go?” her roommate asked eagerly the instant Alix returned.
Alix glared at her.
Laurel raised both hands. “That bad, huh?”
A sick feeling attacked Alix’s stomach. It was like the nausea she’d experienced as a kid when her parents started to fight. That painful sensation used to corrode her stomach—as if she were somehow responsible for every bad thing that had befallen their lives. Jordan might be the same Jordan Turner she’d once known, but there’d been no time to ask. And she couldn’t now, not after she’d run away!
“You okay?” Laurel asked, studying her.
Alix brushed aside the question and marched to the back of the store, where she walked into the employee rest room. The toilet was disgusting. She didn’t want to guess how long it’d been since the last cleaning. The blue additive didn’t begin to disguise the yellow ring around the inside of the bowl. Funny she’d notice that now.
Standing in front of the sink, Alix stared into the mirror. The voices that came to taunt her were familiar ones. They were the ugly, negative voices that shouted words she tried to ignore. Voices that laughed in her face and said she was a loser. No matter what she did or how hard she tried, she’d never amount to anything. Her life was doomed. This was her lot. She’d never earn more than minimum wage, never be loved, never have a real home with things that normal people took for granted, like a phone and a dishwasher.
Pressing her hands to her face, Alix closed her eyes and felt the dark misery descend. She could feel its oppressive weight settle on her shoulders, shoving her down to a place deep inside. She tried unsuccessfully to shake off the depression, tried to shake off the ugly words that echoed in her mind.
The repulsive names her mother had called her rang through her head. She could hear a teacher’s chastisement and belittling comments next, and the humiliation returned as strong now as it had been twelve years earlier. She wanted to bury all the hurtful words. Instead they reverberated through her mind with such force she nearly slumped to the rest room floor.
A knock sounded at the door, startling her. Alix jerked her head toward the noise.
“Alix, you in there?”
Laurel. Damn. “What?” she snapped.
“He’s back.”
“Who?”
“The guy you were just talking to. I don’t know his name.”
Alix bit her lower lip. “You help him.”
“He asked for you.”
“Why?” she asked, frowning.
“I don’t know,” Laurel said irritably. “Am I supposed to read minds, too?”
“I’ll be out in a minute, all right?” Alix straightened, brushing her hands through her hair as she came to grips with this information. She wondered what possible reason Jordan could have for seeking her out.
Because her face was beet-red, she ran cold water over her hands and then brought them to her cheeks, not caring what it did to her makeup.
She didn’t know how much time had passed before she finally found the courage to come out and face Jordan.
He was standing at the counter waiting. He smiled as she approached.
“You wanted to see me?” she asked as if he’d interrupted her. She didn’t want to give him the impression that she was happy to see him, and in truth, she wasn’t. After humiliating herself once, she didn’t feel like doing it again. Not this soon, anyway.
“You said you’d put aside
The Matrix
for me?”
Her relief was intense. “Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. I’ve got it up front.” She moved past him and behind the counter to the spot where she’d placed the video.
“I appreciate you doing that for me.”
“No problem,” she said, busying herself with the computer screen. She rang up the total and asked for his card. After he’d paid her the rental fee, she set the video in its protective plastic case, then slipped it inside a bag and handed it to him over the counter. “We’ve got a special on microwave popcorn this week if you’re interested.”
“No, thanks. I bought a case at Costco my last visit. I’ve got enough popcorn to last me for the next ten years.”
She rested her elbows on the counter, feeling awkward and a bit embarrassed. She had no idea what to say, what to ask. If she mentioned the Jordan Turner from sixth grade, it would sound like a pick-up line. “Uh, any other movies you want me to put aside for you?” That wasn’t exactly a scintillating question but at least it made sense.
He shrugged. “Can’t think of any at the moment, but if I do I’ll let you know.”
“Okay.”
With a nod, Jordan left. The glass door closed and as if by magic Laurel appeared. “What did he want?”
“A movie, what else?”
“How come he only wanted you to help him?”
Alix didn’t feel inclined to go into the details. “How am I supposed to know that?”
“There’s no need to get all snappy with me.”
The door chimed and to Alix’s astonishment, Jordan stuck his head inside. “Alix, what time do you get off work?”
She was too shocked to answer immediately. “Eleven. I close three nights a week.”
“Do you close tomorrow?”
“No. I’m here until nine on Wednesdays.”
“Do you want to meet for coffee then? After work?”
“Ah…” She found it hard to believe he was actually asking her out. Well, sort of out. “Yeah, I guess,” she said as if it wasn’t any big deal.
“Great, I’ll see you then.” He waved and was gone.
A bubble of happiness rose up inside her. It demanded every ounce of restraint she possessed not to stamp her feet with joy.