Authors: Suzette Hollingsworth
“Oh?” asked Lady Elaina, clearly interested, her hand falling to her side. “And what concern is that of yours, Nicolette?”
“When I speak of joy, Alejandro looks at me with a blank expression.” She shook her head, turning to look at her grandmother. “He has no concept of himself apart from his role in society, apart from his position in life as ‘the future king of Spain.’”
“Are you quite sure, Nicolette?”
“Completely. He has no experience of separateness, of
himself
.” She nodded. She moved to sit beside her grandmother at the small breakfast table in her bedroom, which allowed a view of the garden. She poured another cup of tea for Lady Elaina and began to sip her own, still warm, her hand shaking.
Concern crossed Lady Elaina’s face, but she said nothing.
“He has no sense that he is loved, that he is a beloved child of God, that he is…
magnificent
. A beloved, amazing, irritating, glorious, thoroughly annoying man!” She clenched her fists.
“Magnificent and annoying? Hmmm…”
“Prince Alejandro”—she smiled slightly as she gazed out the window—“does not give himself permission to thrill in his own existence.”
“He seems to be enjoying his…
existence
, as you put it, with a certain vigor. He seems a most enterprising and dynamic young man.”
“He believes that everyone else’s needs and opinions are more important than his own.” Nicolette shook her head. “He is distanced from himself, accustomed to suppressing his thoughts and feelings, his reactions to everything.”
“Possibly it pleases him to do so.”
“I am not convinced he even knows what he wants anymore. It has been immaterial to him for so long.”
“My love,” Lady Elaina broached slowly, “our impression of the young man is strikingly opposite. At any rate, what does it have to do with you? Possibly he is quite unhappy. Most people born into those circumstances are. But I do not see how it concerns you.”
“Because, Grandmamma”—Nicolette stared at Lady Elaina for a long while—“because I have the certain conviction that I can help him. If the prince has a moment of joy, he suppresses it. If he feels delight, he suppresses it. If he thinks he might like a certain experience, he turns from it. Generally when one exercises a particular personality characteristic, one does so in every arena of one’s life.”
“And what is the prince’s
particular
personality characteristic, if I may ask?”
“The focus of his entire being is to suppress. No, to annihilate. He has learned to annihilate
himself
.”
“And you, Nicolette, live to express yourself,” remarked Lady Elaina with a knowing smile as she took a sip of her tea.
Nicolette nodded, forcing herself to take a bite of toast, inadvertently enjoying the flavor of the melted butter and wheat. She dabbed a teaspoon of fresh raspberry jam on a corner of the toast.
“You are joy, and he is duty,” Lady Elaina pronounced. “These characteristics are deeply ingrained, no doubt.”
Nicolette shrugged, indifferent to the causes.
“And yet, dear heart, he has a different calling than you do. It is refreshing to learn of a ruler—a
politician
no less—who actually has a sense of responsibility. Perhaps this is the way he needs to be to do his work. Can the tortured artist create such great works without his pain?” She tapped her index finger on her cheek. “Often our faults are necessary to our achievements.”
“Now it is my turn to disagree, Grandmamma.” She pursed her lips. “When someone is suffering before me, I can never agree that this is the ideal, no matter the impersonal merits which may be attributed to it. If one
counts oneself as the enemy
, one cuts off the channel to God and to all of one’s gifts. This can never be beneficial.”
“Not to the individual but perhaps to the whole. Who can say to the grand scheme of things?”
“One can only truly serve out of one’s authentic self,” she countered, shaking her head vehemently. “Prince Alejandro will never be the ruler he can be if he does not form an acquaintance with himself. If he expunges every thought and feeling, he will likewise discard that which he needs to see.”
“Ah,” Lady Elaina nodded, eyeing her granddaughter with interest. “The proverbial baby with the bath water.”
“Yes, his devotion and his discipline are necessary to his rule, but he cannot rule well with a severed channel to both his wisdom and his spiritual resources.” She ran her fingers along the white roses in a red crystal vase, a gift from Alejandro.
“One might argue that the future of an entire country is more important than the pleasure of an individual. In some cultures, there truly is not a concept of ‘I.’ The community is all that matters.” She chuckled. “I know that is a difficult concept for you to fathom, my sweet.”
“Very true, Grandmamma,” she pronounced resolvedly. “I don’t give a flying leap about Spain or Prince Alejandro’s rule or one’s
duty
. He deserves to feel happiness. It is deplorable that he should never know joy. To crush oneself is to slap God in the face, to diminish His beloved child.”
“But you must consider that his goals are not your own.” Lady Elaina grew reflective. “The Spanish culture is particularly communal and family oriented. No doubt you noticed that when you were in Spain. Or possibly the cigarette factory was not the best representation of family life?”
“I saw it, Grandmamma, very strongly,” Nicolette replied. “The Spanish people are extremely loyal to each other, no matter how poor they are.” She paused, shaking her head. “But even within the context of community, there is a positive feeling about oneself, an unspoken acknowledgement that one matters, that without one, the ‘whole’ is less. Children in farming areas who work even at five years old are well behaved and happy because they know that their families depend on them. Without them, the family suffers, and they know it. They are
important
. Parents do their children a great disservice to deprive them of responsibility.”
“You see, my dear. You must see Alejandro within the context of his own culture.”
“No, this is different. Alejandro’s invisibility to himself is not about family or community. Quite the opposite. It is about the lack therein. I would stake my life on that.”
“It must be the Austrian and German blood in his heritage.” Lady Elaina brought the teacup to her lips. “Which also accounts for his height. Amidst his very masculine Spanish features, his dark hair and chiseled features, he has the height of another bloodline. And the upbringing.”
“I would not blame the Austrians or the Germans for his upbringing.” Nicolette rose from the table and went to her window, searching the skies for the bird she had seen earlier. She whirled around, her silk dressing gown flaring. “That is the fault of individuals.”
“I suppose it always is.”
“When one has the absence of parenting and family, or truly bad parenting, one learns to take care of oneself and can lose that openness to outside influences. Prince Alejandro is a person who has had
both
bad parenting and is the heir to a throne. Is it any wonder he is independent and strong-willed?”
“But surely the prince has had friends?” asked Lady Elaina.
“He has been a friend.” Involuntarily Nicolette recalled Prince Alejandro telling her in an unguarded moment that his first love had sold his loveletters to the king. The prince had laughed when he told her, but she somehow felt the underlying feeling was not amusement. “There is…an openness about him. A cry to learn, to receive.”
Nicolette placed her palm on her cheek, deep in thought. “He is asking for help, Grandmamma.”
“Admirable, my dear, but remember, he is who he is. Surely you don’t suppose to change the prince of Spain? Do you actually think you can teach him to be anyone else?” Lady Elaina waved her index finger at her granddaughter.
“Oh, no, Grandmamma. I cannot teach him anything.” Nicolette spun around. “I cannot even illustrate by example.”
“What do you propose to do?”
“
I can make him live it
.”
Lady Elaina nodded, a slow smile forming on her lips.
“And anyway, I don’t wish him to be anyone else. I wish to enable him to be
himself
.”
Nicolette glanced at herself in the mirror. She saw her eyes glistening with the promise of what she knew she could do. She hoped with all her heart she might succeed.
“You do specialize in magic, Nicolette.” Lady Elaina sighed as she watched her.
“Perhaps, Grandmamma. Or perhaps I specialize in…reality.”
“Quite so, my dear. You make magic real.” She cleared her throat. “But you have still not answered my question.
Why
?”
Nicolette sighed as she picked up her hairbrush and began to brush her hair. She stared at herself in the mirror, her dark hair falling over her shoulders. She wished with all her heart that Alejandro could see her as she was. But he never would. She was invisible to him and would remain so.
Her eyes began to water, and her image became blurred. He was somehow able to respond to her musical gift, but he would never know
her
.
“Nicolette?” Lady Elaina repeated. “Why do you want to do this for him? You should never do anything unless your heart is in it.”
“Because his is a sensitive soul which has been discarded. At odd and unexpected moments, I have seen the kindness in his heart, the feeling.” Nicolette turned in her seat to face Lady Elaina’s troubled expression, wondering if she was indeed very foolish. “And, Grandmamma, my heart has never been more in anything in my life.”
“If I did not know better, I would say that you were in love with Prince Alejandro,” remarked Lady Elaina softly.
“What a ridiculous thought, Grandmamma!” Nicolette came to attention, staring at Lady Elaina, aghast. “In the first place, as we have established, the man does not know how to love. He can’t even merge with himself, so how is he going to touch me?”
“It seems an insurmountable obstacle.”
“In the second place, he wouldn’t have me. I am not worthy of Spain.” Her ire was growing in leaps and bounds, but she managed to contain herself.
“Quite offensive. The man does not deserve you, without question.”
“But no matter, I would not have
him
. And I certainly would not give up my vocation.”
“I wouldn’t consider it if I were you. Men are like fragile butterflies. Look to yourself for your happiness.”
Nicolette crossed her arms resolutely in front of herself and nodded defiantly as a sudden sense of purpose washed over her. “I must give him everything that I have to give, Grandmamma.”
“Indeed?”
“I am determined to present the performance of my life.”
“Perhaps you are not as different from Prince Alejandro as you think, my dear.” Lady Elaina’s face displayed a knowing smile.
“Whatever can you mean, Grandmamma?”
“You give your all”—Lady Elaina shrugged and took another bite of toast—“simply because someone else needs it.”
“I give of myself so that someone else might live.” Nicolette mentally released every personal longing that surrounded Alejandro with a sigh. “If only for a single moment in time.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
We are gypsies,
come from a distant land;
We can read the future
in anybody's hand.
We're in touch with the stars;