“You’re not the first malflowed sister, Maddy. We’ve turned away women who claimed to be marked but failed the Test of Salbine, and women whose desire to serve Salbine wasn’t genuine. We’ve never turned away a woman because she can’t draw the elements. In fact, we claimed you long before you entered a training room. You’re marked. You’ve served Salbine admirably during your time here. You’re a sister. Nothing has changed.”
Everything had changed. Last week she’d felt part of a community, imagined herself becoming competent at drawing the elements and eventually becoming a mistress. She’d harboured no doubts about her chosen path, or about Salbine’s love for her. Now she felt like an outsider, with nothing of value to contribute, and wondered if she deserved to be at the monastery. “I have to be honest—I can’t help but wonder if I belong. Nothing sets me apart from those outside. Anything I might contribute, they could too.”
The abbess blinked at her. “Yet Salbine didn’t call them. She called you, and you answered that call.”
Maddy had once believed that; now she wasn’t sure.
“I was going to discuss your interests and afterward speak to the mistresses, but I’ve changed my mind. I’d like you to spend some time researching other sisters who were malflowed. We can discuss other potential areas of study later.” The abbess stood, drained her teacup, and set it back in its saucer on her desk. “Let’s go see Mistress Averill. She can tell you where to start, help you draw up a study plan.”
“Yes, Abbess.” Maddy rose and followed her to the door. When they spoke with Mistress Averill, she wouldn’t have to feign enthusiasm. She wanted to read about the other malflowed sisters, to see if any of them had eventually regained Salbine’s favour and overcome the malflowed condition.
*****
Sophia rotated the sealing wax over the candle, then smeared it onto the folded paper in front of her. She picked up her seal, licked it, and pressed it into the wax. Seconds later, she lifted the seal and grunted in satisfaction.
The door to her study creaked open. Elizabeth bounced in and pushed the door shut. “You’ve been busy,” she said, taking in Sophia’s stained fingers and the pile of sealed messages at her elbow.
“I’ve written to the other monasteries, requesting that they send any material they have on the subject of malflowed sisters. I’ve asked Maddy to learn about others like her, but we don’t have much in our library. Averill suggested I check with the others.”
“How did your meeting with Maddy go?” Elizabeth sank into the chair Maddy had occupied earlier.
“Not well.” Sophia moved the letter aside and clasped her hands on the desk. “When was the last time you drew the elements? Outside the training rooms, I mean.”
“I tested that newcomer a couple of weeks ago, the one that failed.”
“
Outside
the training rooms, Elizabeth.”
“Oh. Well, um, there was that time last month, when that piece of stone fell from the east archway. It would have hit poor Jacob if I hadn’t been passing by.”
“And before then?”
Elizabeth grimaced. “Oh dear . . . I did help with a horse—when was it, February? No, March. Thomas was desperate.”
“So over six months ago.”
“Yes. Oh, I did help take care of some bandits, but that must have been almost ten years ago.”
“And when was the last time you sensed someone draw the elements outside the training rooms?”
“Is there a purpose to this?” Elizabeth asked, grinning.
Sophia smiled indulgently. “Yes, there is.”
Elizabeth folded her arms. “All right, then. I wasn’t near the dining hall this morning, but I heard about what happened.”
“Gwendolyn doesn’t count. She broke a rule.”
“Okay, then. Lillian’s been drawing lately.”
Sophia snorted. “Lillian’s been showing off, and she’s stopped now. She was already tapering off before we found out that Maddy’s malflowed.”
“Well, I don’t know, then. Just when sisters have been working with the horses, I guess.”
“Exactly.”
Elizabeth’s brow furrowed.
“Drawing the elements is such a small part of our life here. But try telling that to Maddy. She’s convinced that since she’s malflowed, she doesn’t belong here, that Salbine has turned Her back on her.”
“That’s nonsense!”
“Of course it is. The initiates don’t know this yet, but unless there’s a conflict, they’re drawing the elements now more than they ever will. The only difference between Maddy and the rest of us is that she won’t have to spend time in a training room every once in a while.”
“And that we
can
draw the elements and she can’t,” Elizabeth pointed out, “though that likely won’t ever matter in practice. Anyway, I thought we were going to find Maddy an area of study, something to focus on while the others are training.”
“And which, ironically, will probably lead to her being a more valuable resource than many other sisters. But she doesn’t see it that way. No matter what we find her to do, she’ll feel as if we’re patting her on the head and telling her to go out and play while the adults get down to the important business.” She gazed out the window, watched the clouds float by. “I’m worried about her. She seems so lost. And then there’s Lillian.”
“What about Lillian?” Elizabeth rose and rounded the desk.
Sophia closed her eyes when Elizabeth gently touched her shoulders and worked her fingers into them. “After all this time she finally risks another relationship. I was starting to think it would never happen, that Caroline had done so much damage that she’d never take a chance again. And then all of a sudden she’s with Maddy. Not who I would have guessed and it’s early days, but they seem to enjoy each other’s company.”
“But?”
“Even before we discovered that Maddy’s malflowed, I wondered where it would end up. Maddy’s so young.”
“That doesn’t mean they’re incompatible,” Elizabeth said.
“No, but realistically, what’s going to happen? Almost eighteen years separates them. Will they accept each other as consorts?”
“Consorts!” Elizabeth blurted. “They’ve only just started to see each other.”
“I know, but I’m thinking ahead.” She reached up and patted Elizabeth’s hand. “I can’t help it. After what happened with Caroline . . .” Her eyes welled with tears. She pulled a handkerchief from the desk drawer and dabbed at them. “It’s so silly. I’ve wanted so much for Lillian to find someone, and now that she has, I’m afraid for her. What if Maddy leaves, as Caroline did?”
Elizabeth’s fingers stopped moving. “Why would Maddy go to another monastery, especially now?”
“Not leave for another monastery. Leave the Order.”
“But she can’t! The rules forbid it. Not only has Salbine marked her, but we have, too.” Elizabeth reached over Sophia’s shoulder and held her hand in front of Sophia’s face, as if she needed reminding.
“I know we have, but sisters are bound to the Order because they can draw the elements. That’s the agreement. You forfeit your freedom to learn how to draw. Maddy will never be a threat to anyone. If she doesn’t feel she belongs here, if she’s miserable and wants to leave, who am I to deny her request?”
“Her abbess. Someone who sees what she doesn’t see and has faith that she’ll eventually see it.”
“She has to be the one to have faith, Elizabeth. And what if she never sees it?” Sophia rubbed her temples. “If I had been abbess when Caroline was here, I would have searched for a reason to kick her sorry arse out the gates.”
“Lillian would never have forgiven you,” Elizabeth murmured.
“I know, but I would have done it anyway, sent Caroline to another monastery the moment I realized how much she was hurting her. Do you know how dreadful it was to watch and not be able to do anything? Oh, I tried talking to Lillian, but she didn’t want to know. So yes, if I could have prevented Caroline from harming her, I would have, and suffered Lillian’s wrath.” Sophia drew a shuddering breath. “And now I wish I could stop Maddy from leaving, but I don’t think I can, not in good conscience.”
Elizabeth hugged her from behind, pressing her cheek against Sophia’s. “I know how much you love Lillian,” she said softly. “I love her too. But we can’t prevent her from being hurt. All we can do is be there for her.”
“That’s another thing. I don’t think Lillian’s told Maddy about me. I wish she would. Maddy brought her up during our conversation, and I felt dishonest. I don’t feel comfortable discussing Lillian with her, not when she doesn’t know.”
“Maybe she does. She could have heard it from someone else.”
“I doubt it. Not many know, and those who do wouldn’t tell her.” And if Maddy knew, her demeanour while talking about Lillian would have been different. “No, I’m sure she doesn’t know.”
“Why don’t you talk to Lillian, ask her to tell Maddy?”
Sophia shook her head. “I don’t want her to think I’m interfering. And don’t you say anything, either.” She felt Elizabeth’s smile against her cheek.
“I won’t,” Elizabeth said. “I learned a long time ago not to get in the middle of you two. But I can say something to you, and I think you should stop worrying and see what happens. Maddy’s only just found out she’s malflowed. Give her time to adjust. As for her relationship with Lillian, it’s too early to tell where it’s going. For all we know, Lillian could be the one to end it. So stop worrying.”
But she was supposed to worry. She was the abbess. And Lillian’s big sister.
M
addy closed the thick tome with a thud and lugged it back to the bookshelf. Its pages hadn’t provided enlightenment, only disappointment. A malflowed sister mentioned in passing, among passage upon dry passage that described new discoveries related to reshaping and redirecting the elements. So far, her month in the library had given her the overwhelming impression that malflowed sisters had always been on the periphery, their accomplishments, if any, not worth recording. Hardly encouraging.
“We’ve received another two responses from the other monasteries,” Mistress Averill said cheerfully, making Maddy jump. “Brettony’s librarian said she’ll copy the few references she’s found and send them to us.” The mistress pursed her lips. “I expect we’ll receive the material in about a month’s time.” Her voice lifted. “But the more exciting response is from Heath. Apparently they had quite the prolific malflowed sister in their service. She left behind journals, and she’s mentioned quite frequently in their history tomes.”
Maddy wanted to leap into the air with joy. “That’s wonderful!”
“Yes, but unfortunately they value the material too much to part with it.”
Her heart sank. “Can’t they do what Brettony will do and copy it?”
“Apparently there’s so much of it, it would take months. They’ve invited us to send a sister, someone to sort through the material and decide what’s important to us. Their scribes will then copy her selections, and she can bring the copies back to us.”
Why should another sister decide what was important? Maddy should be the one to go—but only those who’d achieved the title of adept were permitted to travel.
“You can’t go, of course,” the mistress said, perhaps deducing Maddy’s thoughts from her expression. “But the abbess has asked me to speak to our scribes, to see if anyone is interested. If we send a scribe, she can help their scribes, come back to us sooner.” She pressed her finger against her chin. “Sister Clara’s seemed a bit bored lately. Maybe she’d like to go. I’ll speak to her this afternoon.”
“Thank you,” Maddy murmured, though she wished she could go herself. “May I leave now? I’ve finished with the Ivers tome, and I don’t have much left to go through until more material arrives.” Plus, she wanted to finish embroidering a cushion cover for Lillian’s birthday, now only two days away.
Mistress Averill nodded. “I don’t see much point in spending hours here each day if you’ll only run out of material. I’ll see you in the chapel later.”
Maddy bobbed and left the library.
Excited voices turned her head as she crossed the inner courtyard. Several initiates were on their way to the training rooms, probably chattering about the fire examinations that had begun yesterday and would continue for the next two days. Initiates were examined in front of their peers and the adepts. Mistress Ivy, who oversaw all training, had invited Maddy to attend, but she’d declined. Watching her friends draw fire would be like pouring salt on an open wound, and her presence would only put a damper on things. Everyone was in a celebratory mood, looking forward to moving on to air. She didn’t want them to feel sorry for her, or to minimize their achievements to spare her feelings.
She’d had Nora hide the cushion and the cover she was working on in her chambers, so Lillian wouldn’t stumble across them. Maddy pulled the cover from its hiding place in Nora’s chest and sank into a chair, but had only just started to stitch when someone rapped loudly on a door—perhaps hers. She put the cover down and opened Nora’s door a crack. “Lillian!” she said, stepping into the hallway and pulling the door shut. “I was just returning something I’d borrowed from Nora.”
Lillian’s face lit up. “There you are! I went to the library first, but Averill said you’d left.”
“I needed a break. And I’m running out of material. But,” she pulled Lillian into a hug, “a malflowed sister at the Heath monastery kept journals. They won’t send them to us, but they’ve invited us to send someone to copy them.”
“You can’t go,” Lillian said, drawing back and frowning at Maddy.
“Mistress Averill plans to send a scribe. Probably Sister Clara.”
Lillian nodded. “I don’t know much about her, but I’m sure she’ll apply herself to the task with enthusiasm.”
Maddy hoped Sister Clara would focus on how the malflowed sister had reconciled her condition with serving in the Order—or better yet, how she’d overcome her condition.
“It sounds to me like you’re free until evening prayers. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the trees are still. Why don’t we go down to the kitchen, pack a lunch, and go for a nice long stroll?”
“That sounds lovely.”