Authors: Karen Aldous
So, she had been right.
The lying bastard!
There he was, with Kelly. There they were right in front of her, meandering in the crowd. How dare he deny it! She could barely contain herself. The urge to wind down the window and scream expletives at him raged inside her. Had he seen her car? She swung her head back to the traffic trying not to draw attention to herself, and in the hope nobody else in the car would see them and be witness to her humiliation. This was the reason she had used her defences. Inside, she just knew he would hurt her. The car in front couldn’t move fast enough. With the urge to toot, she somehow maintained her composure as they inched over the crossing and began moving again.
After dropping off Caroline and Michael, which seemed to take forever as her mother very gratefully thanked her time and time again for such an enchanting day (
It was, Mum, I’m sorry someone just ruined it!
), she took Thierry back home and straight to the bathroom, turning on the tap and digging out his toys. Distraction, she needed distraction.
‘Does Thierry want to help Mummy take off his clothes? Let’s do your T-shirt first.’
An hour and two story books later, she opened the terrace door for some air and held her mobile in her hand ready to call him. There was no point Cal coming up tomorrow evening as clearly there was nothing to discuss. She paused, then decided she would grab the biggest wine glass and think it through. Maybe it was just best to confront him while she could. She was just in the mood for a fight.
‘A mother wishes to come and congratulate her son. Terrible isn’t it?’ Cal said now looking at her with great disdain.
‘I don’t believe you.’ Lizzie paced the apartment floor barefoot as she had been all day feeling physically sick seeing the image playing over and over of Cal and Kelly together in the centre of Cannes. But, oh dear, she had really upset him this time. Lizzie was stunned at his anger. She had seen them together for God’s sake.
‘Why don’t you just ask me why Kelly was here? Why do you have to go out guns blazing thinking the worst of me?’
He stared motionless as she paced. ‘So, explain to me why Kelly can’t come and see her son?’
She had never seen him this fierce before. His body was physically shaking. It was a surprise he’d turned up; didn’t he have his visitor to entertain? His stare was hard, evil in fact. Self-consciousness enveloped her. She’d smartened herself up this afternoon, not to Kelly’s level when she’d seen her with Cal, but enough to hide her grief.
‘No, I didn’t mean that. I was…’
‘I know exactly what you were implying. Lizzie, I offered her accommodation and we took Jack out on Saturday to celebrate his success. Kelly is his mother, and I can’t just pretend she doesn’t exist. Unfortunately, because of Jack, she has to be part of my life. Why am I even having to explain myself? Whatever was with Kelly and I is dead and buried. I don’t know why you can’t understand that notion. By the way, she went back this morning, should it be of interest.’ Cal wiped his brow. ‘I thought I was coming here to have an adult discussion. I thought you’d finally seen reason. Come to your senses and that maybe we could…’ Taking a step back he said, ‘There’s really no point is there?’ He threw out his hands.
Lizzie felt a jolt in the pit of her stomach. Had she really got this so wrong? Had her suspicions plagued her head so much that she hadn’t bothered to think about what was real and what wasn’t? If she had any chance of saving this, she had to act.
‘Yes, there is. I had wanted to discuss us. That was the plan.’ She grabbed the front of her hair in desperation and pulled it back from her forehead. ‘I obviously got the wrong idea when I saw you with Kelly yesterday afternoon. What do you expect me to think?’ she asked. It was a reasonable request.
‘Find out the facts. Ask. It’s far easier than jumping to unnecessary conclusions.’
She stood still, daring herself to look him in the eye. Why was it so easy for him to think logically? ‘I’m sorry. I’ve messed everything up.’ Lizzie clawed her nails into her palms, squeezing her knuckles.
‘Bravo. I’m going home. I’m just amazed you don’t or won’t, maybe can’t even, trust me.’ Cal made for the door.
‘Cal. I do. I do. Please, don’t go. We can talk about it. I do trust you. I’m sorry. I love you and miss you and want to be with you. Please…I… What more can I say?’
Very slowly, he turned before he reached the door.
Please don’t walk out!
Lizzie blew out a sigh and held out a hand towards the sofa.
‘Can we sit down?’ she asked. ‘Please. I really want to listen to what you have to say this time. I was completely wrong not to hear you out and offer more support. I’m sorry. Really sorry.’
Resting his eyes on the corner of the sofa he walked forward. Lizzie’s heart began to thump. He sat on the edge of it and Lizzie sat in the armchair opposite with just the coffee table between them.
‘Look, is there any point in me trying to tell you anything until you have sorted out your trust issues? You don’t trust me. That’s where the problem lies.’
Fiddling with her hair, Lizzie kept her head down. He was probably right. And, yes she did have issues, but he was still with Kelly all that time. It was still hard to believe… She held her tongue and nodded. The street noise suddenly became deafening, and she daren’t speak in case the wrong words came out. She peered up at him.
His head tilted. Her heart gave a flutter as his eyes searched hers. ‘We can’t be a team if I can’t communicate with Jack’s mother and rely on you to be there for me at times like these. I mean, like I’ve had with Jack. It won’t work, Lizzie.’
‘But I so want it to work.’
‘So how will that happen? Do you think you have a problem with trusting me per se, or is it just Kelly, do you think I really want to get it on with a woman who walked out of my life seventeen years ago with my son?’
Lizzie gave a huge sigh and cleared her throat. ‘Well, I thought I had got over my insecurities and I was fine. It’s Kelly, she was all over you when I came out to the beach house that week and, although I didn’t like it, I dealt with it.’
Cal nodded. ‘Yes, I agree. It was very uncomfortable, and that’s why I told her, if she came near the place, I would take Jack and rent elsewhere.’
‘I didn’t realise that but, anyway…’
‘I thought I mentioned it,’ Cal broke in rubbing his chin. ‘Well, I should have made that clear and communicated my reassurances to you too. I apologise for that misunderstanding.’
‘You may have done. Maybe I wouldn’t believe you could keep her away. Anyway, after a few weeks I read the texts she sent you.’ Lizzie paused, anticipating a reaction. ‘I shouldn’t have read your messages, I know, but she was – and this sounds so silly – but, they were familiar, and provocative. They suggested intimacy. Then after that, my imagination just went on overdrive and I suppose…as Sophie would say, I created a monster. A fierce monster at that. And I couldn’t tell you because you would think I was being dramatic… I felt betrayed. It made me wary and suspicious, taking me back to being hurt and humiliated by…’
‘OK, I think I understand,’ Cal nodded.
Lizzie wasn’t sure if he did. He looked at her, a sympathetic glance. That’s not what she wanted. She needed him to know, to properly understand exactly what it all meant to her.
‘Cal, I had so much to lose. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you, and what we had, and what we could have together. We were a family and I’ve never felt that since I was very young.’ Lizzie tried to catch her breath as her emotions began to erupt. Unwittingly, she twisted her hair round and round. ‘It was all becoming so threatening. Our relationship I mean. I was convinced Kelly was trying to manipulate you and take you away from me. I tried to be strong. I really did. She was taking what was precious to me and I couldn’t…’
Cal crossed to her chair and, taking her hand, pulled her to her feet. Immediately she buried her head into his shoulder and let the weight of her tears fall.
‘I did everything in my power to keep her away. I can assure you. I’m sorry, you seemed to have everything under control and I just didn’t realise. I should have reassured you she was kept at a distance. That’s why I saw no harm in letting them over to be together for the day. Jack was going to be leaving Nantucket and we had all gone through a lot with all the tension of him going back to his school and then his erratic disappearance. Kelly was having her issues with Reuben. But she got my message loud and clear, the first day we went out there. She was upset for a bit when I told her I was only there for Jack, not as her friend, but she got over it. And why would I be her friend? Probably toughened her up if anything.’
Lizzie gave a giggle and swayed back, beginning to melt as she gazed into familiar steel-grey eyes. Instantly the fire ignited with flames roaring inside her as she reached his lips.
Cal drew back. ‘Lizzie, come and sit down, let’s not rush. Obviously we both feel much better for talking about it. And I want nothing more than to kiss you, believe me. I’m…’
‘Not in love with me any more?’ Her heart was stuck in her mouth. He had lost interest.
‘No, Lizzie, no. I do love you. With all my heart, I love you. I just think we should hold back on anything physical, just until we’ve given ourselves some time to work through these issues. I couldn’t face rushing back into our relationship without you feeling you can trust me and me you.’
Unsure, Lizzie stepped back. It had felt the most natural thing in the world for them to kiss, to make up and make love. Why was he saying this?
‘I’m only trying to prevent this happening again, Lizzie. I think what I need is for you to feel happy within yourself that you can trust me. You need to believe that I’m not seeking any other woman’s attention so that it enables our relationship to have stability. I’m not saying everything has to be perfect. I’m saying I have been to hell and back these last few months and the one thing I was relying on was your love and support. OK, so, I knew you were busy. I accept there will be times when we have external pressures, but if I have to go to London with Jack, and I’m hoping it won’t come to that, but I would really like to know if our relationship could withstand it. Do you get where I’m coming from?’
Lizzie rubbed her temple. ‘I’m prepared to work hard at it. Cal, I want us to work.’
‘I don’t expect you to answer me right now. All I’m asking is that we take a bit more time to take on board what’s happened so that we build a healthy, long-lasting future where you and Thierry are happy and secure, and I feel I have someone I can rely on.’
‘It was rather immature of me.’
He caught her hand and his lips brushed it. ‘You’re only human. I won’t get too close. But let’s just try and fix what’s broken and move on. Come on, let’s have a drink and relax for a bit before Jack gets back.’
Dashing over to the fridge, she pulled out two beers. It felt so strange not making up now. It would be good to be wrapped in those arms again, sharing their love. She knew she loved him, but how was she going to convince him? How was she to prove she could manage her suspicious mind?
Struggling to find a life-line for answers, Lizzie had spent most of the night trying to work out whether she could ever rid her mind of her insecurities. Cal had more faith, telling her she just needed to think differently. Out with the negative and in with the positive, he’d said, like a phrase from a self-help book. It took some concentration, but she did find herself getting more excited by switching her focus to the life that could be rather than the destructive, threatening image of Kelly. She visualised her gorgeous Cal, the man she loved, loving her back, standing beside their new pool, she bringing out a luscious Caprese salad from her new kitchen at their home at Domaine Margot with Thierry and Jack playing in the pool, and, imagining her mother and Michael coming to stay, sitting at a table in the shade with Angela and Pheely, Sophie and Charles, even Marie-Claire, who now felt like her little sister. All one big, happy family engaged in blissful family moments. Now all she had to do was to keep working at it.
The following morning, she rang Caroline to let her know she would meet her for lunch at one o’clock with Angela and Pheely and after lunch visit the gardens up on the site of the former festival hall. Then checking her phone and discovering a text from Angus saying he would be returning with his mother, she rang Sophie.
Just as she sat down with her coffee, Sophie called back.
‘Hi, Soph, I didn’t know if you were busy this morning. Angus will be home at ten with his mother, I thought we could pop along for an hour with some flowers for her. And just offer him our support really.’
‘Yes, I think he’ll appreciate that,’ Sophie agreed. ‘I’ve nothing more until this afternoon. I’ll come to your apartment.’
‘Yes. I’m back here for lunch anyway. We’ll take my car.’
Marie-Claire had taken Thierry to nursery so the apartment was quiet. Returning to her room, Lizzie splashed her swollen eyes with lots of cold water and showered. After drying her hair, her face still looked awful. She added some make-up. Ten minutes later, Sophie was at the door and Lizzie immediately spilled out her conversation with Cal.
‘Oh, Lizzie, that sounds good. It’s possible he’s still stressed. He has got Jack to keep an eye on. That’s a responsibility he’s never had to cope with much before. Plus, he has the renovations going on.’
‘True.’
‘Oh, listen to me, making excuses for him. You’ve had a rough ride. I can understand you feeling like you did. I wouldn’t be happy if Charles spent two or three months hundreds of miles away with an ex, believe me.’
‘Well I thought I’d adjusted my thinking these last two weeks. I just shot my mouth off like the child that I am when I saw them both in Cannes.’
‘Stop blaming yourself.’
Lizzie stood thoughtful for a moment staring at the floor. ‘I was going to ask him along on Friday. Oh, yes. I haven’t told you yet. I want you and Charles to come here Friday evening. I’m having a little party for my mum’s cousin and her daughter who I want you to meet. You’ll like her. She’s as old as you. Maybe a bit older.’