The Reluctant Jesus: A Satirical Dark Comedy (30 page)

CHAPTER

FOURTEEN YEARS HAVE PASSED SINCE
that night in Milligan’s when we all toasted and drank to friends. Much has happened since then, and the world has changed; some might say not for the better. My life has changed beyond all recognition from what it was in 1999. Maggie gave birth to our third child, Luke, just three weeks ago; he joins Matthew, who is now seven, and our eldest, Molly, my little princess, who is nearly thirteen.

I became a partner as promised in Henry’s company. The church deal fell through; apparently the bishop had suffered some memory loss and had no recollection of the deal. It didn’t matter, as Hyomoko gave us just as much work. In fact, we couldn’t have coped with both contracts, so Henry let the church off and did not sue for breach of contract. I told him God would reward him in Heaven, but he just laughed.

Maggie retired from law and has become the happy homemaker. She is doing a great job with our kids, and I have promised to take her skiing on our anniversary this August. I am glad to say that she has returned to the Catholic Church and re-found her once lost religion. Though we do not see eye-to-eye on some aspects of the philosophy, we agree to disagree.

I moved out of my apartment, and we got a great house over the water in Jersey where Walter, who remarkably is still going strong and doesn’t seem to have aged, loves to play with the children in the orchard we have at the bottom of our garden. I often ask Molly and Matthew if Walter ever speaks to them, but they think Daddy is being silly.

Ely and Irma, on my advice, sought counseling for both their marriage and sex. On one hand, I am happy to report that they forgave each other for each other’s infidelities with their respective siblings, and their marriage is stronger than it ever was. I am not as happy to report that Molly caught them making love again last week in our greenhouse. That is the third time in so many months. They are thrilled at being grandparents; the only problem is revolving visiting the family and me with their twice-daily lovemaking schedule.

Harvey, my gangsta-rapping guardian angel, is a regular visitor to the house. The kids love his visits, especially as he has become somewhat of a celebrity. We still call him Harvey, but he is known to his legions of fans as “Ice Cross, the Gangsta Rapping Soul Saver” his first single “Bitchin wid da God Pimp” became a worldwide hit. However, he does not call me “Lil’ Jesus” in front of strangers.

Bob and Nancy Nancy separated and divorced six months after our celebration in Milligan’s, only to get back together six months after that and re-marry. Nancy could not take the ribbing from her colleagues and friends when she reverted to her maiden name of Mucus. They now have two great kids, and after what Nancy called a “miracle diet plan,” she was voted Miss NYPD two years running. I have to say, she does look great, but her diet was no miracle, and I should know. Bob keeps threatening to write a book one day based on a fictional character who claims to be the Son of God and the new Messiah. He wants to make it a comedy, but I told him not to bother; it would not be that funny, and who would be interested in any case? In the meantime, the school promoted him to principal, and though the kids call him “Mr. Ferret Face” behind his back, it doesn’t seem to bother him. We see the Nancys often, and my son Mathew and Bob Junior are good pals.

Uncle Bill, as Molly calls him, we don’t see as often, but that isn’t surprising, seeing as though he lives in Japan with his bride, Omi. Omi is the current World Cosplaying Champion and a former Miss Japan. Bill made a spectacular comeback onto the world Space Invader scene when he re-won the title he had last held over twenty years before, setting, in the process, a new high-scoring record, surpassing the old one by five thousand points. Only last week
Bytes,
which I still have delivered, did a four-page spread on the “pin-up boy” of video gaming. We hope to see Bill and Omi this coming Christmas, when he is over here, launching his new game,
Return to Castle Hell.
I have read reviews that say the game will sell millions, and the main character is an all-action postal worker on a mission from God called Bernard.

As for everything else and the state of the world, I see God was true to his word, and he is indeed letting Lucifer have a free reign, sort of. Neither my children nor I will be around when my brother returns to Earth to sort out this mess once and for all, but my grandchildren will be, and so will their children, and I hope their Great Uncle looks them up before he saves the world from evil.

Every third Monday of the month at around eight in the evening, I get a phone call. I gently shove Walter out of the chair where he sits by the phone so I can talk to my regular caller. He asks about his grandkids, and sometimes he speaks to Maggie if she is not too busy with the children. We pass the time of the day and talk about father and son things. No longer an absentee dad, he regularly watches over my family, and he assures me day and night, despite his busy schedule, that he will never miss a call. Everyone ‘up there’ who knows me always sends their best. He has a new administrative system, Windows-based, he tells me, and though there still is red tape, overall things seem to be working a lot better in Heaven. They are prospecting another planet later on in the year, but he hopes to be back for Christmas. Jesus would be disappointed if he missed yet another birthday, and he assures me he will still call me to keep in touch.

So life goes on, at least for another eighty years at least, and though tempted, I haven’t tried any miracles of late. I have to admit, I did do a sneaky one back in 2000. My beloved Yankees won the World Series for the third time straight, beating our great rivals, the Mets, in a five game series, four to one. What? Oh, come on, please. You didn’t think they managed that without a little help, did you? It was courtesy of me, my final miracle, as The Reluctant Jesus.