The Reluctant (11 page)

“Yes,” he confirmed. “A Child of Dacre
now. I have not seen her since they claimed her as one of their
own.”

I nodded. “I’m sorry for your loss.
But I won’t let you carry my guilt, or Will’s. I have no desire to
be Changed.”

His eyes flashed to mine. “You do not
want to be with Will?”

“I don’t know what I want,” I
admitted. A lone tear streaked a path down my cheek. “I’m scared of
what you are.”

He embraced me and I fell into him,
burying myself in the solidity of his chest. All of the events from
the past two months fell onto me and I cried. Not for the life I
had lost before Will and Luka, but for my confusion. My words were
truth. I didn’t know what I wanted: Luka’s friendship or Will’s
love; my new life or my former—or even the third option which would
leave me as a Changeling.

He kissed me lightly on the forehead.
“Don’t cry, meu cara, no tears tonight. Will loves you. If you
truly do not wish to be Changed, surely he will not force such a
thing on you.”

I gazed up at him to find his eyes as
wet as mine.

“Did Shasta want the
Change?”

“Yes,” he said. Then, hesitantly he
added, “or at least she professed to. She wanted to have my
children.” He swallowed deeply and clinched his eyes shut. A single
tear squeezed from the corner. “I did not deserve her.”

I held him then, even though I
remained snuggled against his chest. I stroked his head and his
broad shoulders, pausing before running my hands over the jagged
wound on his collarbone that had already healed to a puckered pink
scar. The scar had joined the ranks of many of its brothers; it
seemed that no part of Luka, when unclothed, remained free of these
tokens. Only his back was smooth under my hands as I tried to calm
him through touch.

“Luka,” I said quietly. “What do you
want?”

“To be a father,” he answered
instantly, sadly. “But I love no other as I loved Shasta and my
clan is far away.” He placed my hand over his heart. “I still have
not healed, though the pain is three years old.”

A pang of remorse rushed through me
for causing him pain. “I’m so sorry, Luka. For
everything.”

He smiled, his melancholy more
apparent than ever. “You remind me of her sometimes, especially
when you joke around with me. I have always felt we shared a
special bond.”

I nodded as my throat tightened.
Somehow, my following words just came out without forethought. “We
could be together, Luka. I would try to make you happy even if I
can’t give you what you want.”

Luka gently pushed me away from his
chest and held me at arm’s length. “No, Emily, we will not see each
other ever again—not unless you are Changed. I love you—not in the
deep, desperate way that I loved Shasta, but you are a beautiful
person, body and soul. If I am near during your time again, Will
and I would fight to the death for the right to mate you. But when
you are Changed and Bonded to Will, your scent will no longer hold
that allure for me.” He shook his head slowly. “I will not hurt
Will again. Ever.”

“Luka…”

My words trailed off since I could
formulate no words to challenge his decision; his wolf form stood
before me and gave me one last searching look with those icy eyes.
His regret weighed heavily on me.

“Good bye, Luka,” I whispered, afraid
to speak lest the choking tears start. He jerked away at my words
and ran. I feared I’d never see him again, and it broke my heart to
think so. Luka’s pants were the only thing that remained on the
lawn to remind me that he had been a part of my life at
all.

It took two days for me to fully
resist the urge to leave Will’s house and return to my parents and
the life I had known. Even with no Will here to exert his calming
influence, I felt like every move I made towards going home was a
lie. Time stretched on indeterminably despite hours of television
as I listed all the reasons to go back to my old life. I would look
at the clock and note that the hands had barely moved. My nerves
were shot. I finally decided that I truly, truly could not go home.
In grim acceptance of my situation, I realized that Will could just
as easily come steal me away again. If the police came for him,
he’d either kill them or Change and be under their notice as an
animal.

Not the least, the idea of betraying
him in such a way made me prickly. I was already sick with grief
that I had offered myself to Luka. I hoped he wouldn’t tell Will. I
certainly never would.

Two days later, a contrite Will came
home to me in a borrowed pair of Luka’s clothes and on Luka’s
motorcycle. They had two completely different styles: Will’s casual
but almost preppy look with cargos and polos, Luka’s more rough and
tumble with a preference for torn jeans and t-shirts. No wonder
Luka and I got along so well, I thought for the first time. We even
preferred the same type of clothes. I loved the way they fitted to
Will’s contours.

I opened the door wide for him,
noticing his limp. I reached out for him and when I did, he fell
into my arms, kissing my hair and my head. “I’m so sorry, Emily,”
he murmured.

I took him to bed to show him that I
forgave him. At first, he acted like he didn’t want to touch me,
but I knew that he would never tell me no. His body wouldn’t let
him. I hate to leave out all the details of the gentle times, but
honestly, they didn’t burn themselves into the memories of my flesh
like when Will was desperate for me. I hate to say it for shame of
sounding scandalous, but I began to get bored and resentful when he
tried to take me tenderly. I knew he didn’t want to hold himself
back from me, and I began to equate the violence of his passion
with how much he cared for me.

It’s amazing what the human body can
get used to, isn’t it?

Will

Luka saved me. As wolves, it’s
difficult to communicate, but I could tell by his size and his eyes
that he was like me. I did not know if he was an enemy, but he did
not seek to harm me, so I had to take a chance. I followed him
home, trying with every step to get used to my new limbs and the
disorientation that came with the Change.

Brooke followed, too. I had not
realized how stealthily she followed until she stepped into Luka’s
living room, completely human and stunning as always. The added
detail of her nudity helped, too. In too much agony over my
physical state and reeling from my cannibalism, even spiced with
anger at Brooke’s part in all this, I could not Change back. Of
course, I did not know this during those first few days. My
distress mounted as I became convinced that I would be like this
for the rest of my life, eating the flesh of others and unable to
reclaim my former self.

But finally Luka spoke to
me.

“You have got to calm down,” he said
quietly. “The Change is triggered by extreme stress and the full
moon. You cannot become human again until you have reached peace
with your current state.”

I should have known from those words
that I was no normal Lycanti then. Brooke had Changed back easily,
slipping into her new wolf skin with the ease of the practiced. She
got to the point where she could work herself up until she
transformed, free to run away or pursue an enemy. I have always
been jealous of that skill, for it is the closest one can get to
fully controlling it, but that ability also makes me believe that
Brooke is unbalanced and does not care about her humanity. I cannot
find peace with the animal in me. I discovered that the more time
Lycanti spend as wolves, the harder it is for them to put aside
their basest passions.

At first I did not understand why Luka
could control it so much easier than us, seemingly without trying,
but then he told me of the Clans. He knew my mother and hoped that
bringing her into the conversation would make my transition easier.
It did. I remembered that my mother had fooled everyone, even me,
into believing that she was normal. If she could do it, I certainly
could. My life would be my own again, perhaps limited, but still
mine.

We exchanged numbers and I went back
to school, only a few days late for my classes. I told my
professors that there had been an emergency with my family in
Mexico. As a good student, they did not question my excuse. They
simply gave me my lecture notes and told me to not miss any more
classes. Thankfully, I had no night classes that semester, and I
learned to not schedule them during the rest of my schooling. It
would have been awkward for the full moon to rise while I was in
the middle of Economic Recovery Strategies.

Scarred by associative memories of my
Change, I dropped my English minor completely. No one had seen the
professor enter my room, and no one had seen her leave since there
was nothing left of her to leave. I burned the bloodstained sheets
and moved out of the dorm that summer when Luka offered to let me
move in. It pleased me that Luka continued to seek me out and was
concerned enough about my confusion to patiently answer questions
and guide me. I eventually faded away from my school friends for
obvious reasons. Luka taught me to hunt and I began to join him
hunting rogue Lycanti, earning my own check from the South American
Clan who sought to control the increasingly aggressive pack.
Keeping up with school while running at night was no problem; I
suddenly had more energy than ever.

Brooke would return to us
periodically. She dropped out of college, more interested in
becoming a complete animal most of the time. She found the other
Lycanti by scent, and I have not seen much of her since. Her pack
kills whatever is available and loves to hunt humans.

We have no call to hunt her yet since
she has not betrayed any of our kind, but her closest companion is
a renegade whom we seek. Eventually we will cross paths on a hunt,
and though we were Changed together, if I get her alone I will kill
that bitch in a heartbeat for what she did to Luka.

Emily

The room swirled around me like a
fine, warm Merlot, making my head spin. The tapestries seemed too
rich of a decorum, the impressionist artworks too genuine, the Bach
too sweet a symphony for a room full of flesh eaters. Such cultured
decadence should not touch those who have the basest physical
tastes. Even the food looked too perfectly prepared to be here.
Upon closer inspection of the paté, I realized that I could not be
quite sure what type of liver made up the gray paste. Mexican food
was not agreeing with me so far anyway, and I spent most of the
time being nauseous after meals. I had to eat enough to be polite,
but I had no desire to be sick again. There were so many people
here that no one would notice the avoidance.

“Drink?” Will asked politely while
taking me by the elbow and steering me away from the nearest tray
of food.

“Yes, please.”

He rewarded me with a radiant smile
that warmed me considerably. Such white teeth against his tanned
face made me think of pearlescent clouds against a deepening
sunset. I returned the smile. He had tried to make me comfortable
since we arrived, but being surrounded by a bunch of werewolves
made my Friday night a little anxious.

“So you’re impressed with the mansion,
I take it?” he asked.

“Why didn’t you tell me that your
family is rich?” I countered.

He shrugged. “They’re not really all
family. They’re Clan. I barely know my mother’s
relatives.”

“But you’ve all got the same eyes,” I
pointed out.

He laughed, a rich sound that drew the
attention of several others. The women smiled at his handsome
youth; the men frowned thinking that their women were interested in
him. Poor Will.

“Emily, haven’t you noticed that the
only ones with differently-colored eyes come from the southern
clans?”

I looked around the room again, trying
not to catch the eyes of anyone while studiously studying their
eyes. This is not an easy feat, I assure you. More than one person
sneered at me when I got caught.

“All of you have green
eyes.”

Will pointed to an older man. “That’s
Raníer. Look closely. He’s the elder of the southern
clan.”

Raníer turned at his name. I had
figured out hours before that there were no secrets in a room full
of those with super-sensitive ears. Fully seven feet tall with
those broad shoulders I associated with his kind, his eyes burned
me until I looked away. Luka’s eyes—the cool blue of rushing water.
Will waved. The elder smiled benevolently, first at Will, then at
me. I felt a softness towards him then; no one else had smiled at
me since we arrived three hours ago. In fact, they made a point to
begin speaking in Spanish or Portuguese or even some Italian as
soon as Will and I approached. Will could speak with them, but they
could smell the human on me and avoided me like the plague. Raníer
made his way over.

“Good evening, Will. Who is your
lovely companion?”

He pulled me closer. “This is
Emily.”

Raníer looked me over, but not in a
creepy way, more like he would appraise a daughter going to prom. I
blushed, as I so easily did these days.

“Emily,” he said, sampling my name on
his thickly-accented tongue like a wine connoisseur. “And a very
human Emily at that.” He leaned in close to me, making Will
stiffen. “She smells delicious.”