The Randy Romance Novelist (7 page)

Out of breath, I rested my forehead on her shoulder and her hand went instinctively to my hair, where she played with the short strands on the back of my neck.

“I love you,” I whispered. “So damn much.”

“I love you, too.” She sighed and said, “Is it still weird for you to think that we are a couple?”

She asked that question often; I wasn’t sure why because to me, being with Rosie was the most natural and honest relationship I’d ever experienced.

I lifted my head from her shoulder and pressed it against her forehead. My lips quickly pecked hers and I said, “Rosie, I’ve never felt more comfortable or in love with another human being than I do with you. Our relationship isn’t weird to me; it’s natural, logical, and essential to my well-being.”

“How did I get so lucky?” she asked, shifting to the side to look at the clock. I was about to answer her when she screamed right in my ear.

Bringing my hand to my broken eardrum to prevent any further damage, I asked, “What the hell, love?”

Without saying a word, she pointed to my side of the bed. I turned to find Sir Licks-a-Lot, leg extended in the air, toes spread, and his tongue very slowly and methodically licking his little kitty balls.

I turned back to Rosie, so beyond disturbed with the sight to the side of us. “Was he there the whole time?”

“I don’t think we want to know the answer to that question.”

We both looked at him again, watching him continue to swat himself with his mini sandpaper tongue.

I shivered and said, “Why is he purring? Does he ever purr?”

“Not that I’m aware of.” Rosie paused for a second before saying, “Why does he always stare at you? I think he might have a crush on you. Maybe you give off some kind of kitty pheromone.”

“I have been known to attract the pussies.”

With a dramatic roll of her eyes, Rosie pushed me to the side and tiptoed around Sir Licks-a-Lot before running off to the bathroom, where I heard the shower turn on. I grabbed the condom off my dick and held it out for the trash can, Sir Licks-a-lot eyeing the latex the entire time. I stopped in my pursuit of the trash can, and said, “I swear to God, if I find this chewed up and buried in the couch, I will rip your spikey dick right off your kitty frame. You hear me, you sick fuck?”

Like the ass he was, he licked his paw and rubbed the top of his head, with one single middle claw up. Whoever taught that cat to flip people off was some kind of evil genius.

***

“C-3PBro! You ready for the day?” Freddy asked, walking up to me and holding out his fist for a bump.

I ignored his attempt for another “bro-out” and sipped my coffee. “Don’t do that.”

Sticking his hand in his pocket like a “cool guy,” he asked, “Do what?”

“Use
Star Wars
names in your sick bro-lingo.
Star Wars
is too good for that.”

“Have you seen the new movie? Seriously, bro, that shit was off the chain! I got a half-chub in the theater over Leia. Even in her old age I would still tap that General of the Resistance. I would give her something to braid her hair over. Pound her so hard that she’d wish she’d never even hooked up with that Solo idiot and instead had waited for me.”

I held my hand up to stop the moron from talking. “I’m going to stop you right there. There were so many things wrong with that little picture you painted, but the main reason why I’m seconds away from crushing your nuts with the dishwasher door is because of your complete lack of respect for Han Solo. I don’t care who you are, you pay your respects.”

Freddy stood silent for a second before throwing his head back and laughing. “Oh, fuck, man, look as us, two bros fighting over a woman.”

I shook my head. “Nope. No, we’re not. Are you high?” Freddy laughed some more. “I’m serious, are you high? Nowhere in my last sentence did I say anything about a woman.”

Freddy leaned forward and whispered behind his hand. “Come on, Harrison Ford with that long hair, can you say lady?”

He had to be kidding. “You’re so fucked up. It was called the seventies; men had long hair back then. Shit, men have long hair now, but it’s actually even longer and piled on top of their heads in messy buns or braids. Can’t call a dude a lady because of long hair.”

That shut Freddy up enough for me to walk past him, out of the kitchen, and back to my cube. How he managed to corner me almost every morning was beyond me. He must have some kind of warning signal that tipped him off whenever I arrived at or left my cube.

Knowing I had a meeting with the board at nine, I woke up my computer to get a jump start on some of my emails before the atmosphere in the office was flipped upside down. My inbox was loaded and I started scanning my emails. Nothing too pressing, so I grabbed my phone to text Rosie when Freddy squatted in my cube, breathing rather heavily.

“Bro-tato Chip, did you see the new girl? Holy shit, the legs on that pair of tits extend all the way up to her nipples. And could her skirt get any smaller? I’m about to run up to her backside and poke my full on rod up that skirt, really introduce myself via cock-mail.”

“You’re so fucking offensive,” I bowed my head as I spoke, not wanting any of the board of directors to hear me, in case they were walking around. “Can you not be a total douche canoe for at least five minutes?”

“Not when those fuckable lips are walking around, and I’m not talking about the ones on her face. Boo-ya!” He held up his hand for a high five, but instead, I punched him in the stomach, causing him to bend over. He nodded his head as he held onto his stomach. “All right, I can jump on board with deserving that one.”

“Glad you realized that.”

“Anderson, conference room,” Eric called out from across the cube farm.

“Ooooo, you’re in trouble.”

“Shut the fuck up, you moron,” I muttered, kicking him in the shin as I stood and buttoned my jacket. I could do this; it was just a female, apparently one with long legs. This job was made for me, I worked my ass off for this job, I fucking deserved this job.

Once I finished my mental pep talk, I grabbed my leather-bound notepad and walked toward the conference room. From a distance, I saw the back of the girl. She had long brown, almost caramel colored hair, her legs were long like Freddy had pointed out, and yes, she had a bit of a super model body, but honestly, she was nothing compared to Rosie, not even fucking close.

As I grew closer, I observed the way she flirted with the men board members, touching their arms and leaning in close to talk to them. From behind, there was something familiar about her that I couldn’t place; maybe it was her overcompensating feminine wiles that reminded me of some of the women I used to date.

Before I entered the conference room, Eric cut off my path and pulled me to the side. Whispering, he said, “Listen to me closely. Do not go in there and suck ass to the board. Be strong, be confident; act like this job is already yours, like you already have an office of glass rather than poorly upholstered cardboard walls. You got it?”

“You betcha, boss man,” the minute I said it, I heard it. Not the best response.

“None of that shit in there either.”

“Yup, that was bad. I’m just a little on edge. I got this, though.”

“Eric, Henry, come in,” Darlene said, motioning us in the room to join everyone.

I straightened my tie and followed Eric into the room, shutting the glass door behind me. The conference room had a long, oak table running the length with brown leather upholstered office chairs lining the perimeter. There was a large TV on one side for video calls and a white board on the other side, which was never used anymore due to the use of technology now, and the fact that Eric was the guy who loved drawing ideas on the glass walls. He always liked to point out if Google could do it, then so could we.

To my left was the president of the board, Darlene, and the vice president, Danielle. To my right stood the new hire and three of the other board members, all men, of course. I had my work cut out for me.

“Henry, it’s good to see you,” Darlene held out her hand.

“Darlene, always a pleasure. How are the twins? Still playing soccer?”

“Are they always. I need to start investing in some stock of Tide Stain Remover because the amount of grass stains I have to battle every night is overwhelming.”

“I can’t imagine,” I chuckle and shake my head. Yes, I’m good at this. “At least they’re still focused on sports and not girls. Be grateful for that.”

Darlene laughed and shook her finger. “Such a smart man.” She then turned to Danielle and said, “Danielle, you remember Henry, right? Eric’s right hand man.”

“Yes, Henry, how are you?”

“I’m great, Danielle. Thank you for asking. Last time we spoke, you were headed to Europe for a backpacking trip. Please tell me you made it to Greece.”

“It was incredibly hard to return. If it wasn’t for my husband, I would still be out there feasting on baklava and soaking up the sun.”

“I don’t blame you,” I replied. “Greece is on my bucket list. I’ll make it there one day.”

Darlene pointed behind me and said, “Henry, you remember Dale, Walter, and Steve.”

“I do,” I answered, turning around to shake their hands and start up some more small talk, but the minute I turned around, my breath was completely knocked out of me by the new hire.

Not because she was pretty.

Not because she was smiling brightly at me.

But because . . .

“And, Henry, this is Tasha, our new hire.”

“Henry!” Tasha smiled brightly, reaching for my hand and pulling me in for a hug. “What’s it been, two months since we last saw each other? How’s the new apartment?”

Tasha, the girl I dated in college; the girl I called on when Rosie broke my heart the minute after we had sex for the first time. Tasha, the girl who shattered Rosie’s beautiful soul to pieces, leaving them scattered across the apartment we used to share with Delaney.

That Tasha.

“Um, apartment is good,” I answered, bewildered, caught off guard . . . royally and utterly fucked.

“Great to hear. Gosh, I totally forgot that you worked at this firm. What a coincidence.”

By the look in her eyes, I knew it wasn’t a coincidence; I was damn near confident this wasn’t a coincidence. This was revenge at its finest, a battle of retribution, and from the way she quirked her lip to the side, I knew it was going to be a blood bath.

“Yeah, ever since I graduated. Bentley Agency has been really good to me.”

“That’s great. I’m glad I can be a part of the team.”

“So, you know each other?” Darlene asked.

I went to answer, but Tasha answered before I could. “We dated in college for a little bit and talked about moving in with each other a little while ago, but then he dumped me for his roommate. Isn’t that right, Henry?”

Let the battle begin.

Adjusting my tie, since it felt like it was closing in on my throat, I answered honestly, “I was in love with someone else, and I didn’t handle it properly. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Everyone stood in silence as our dirty laundry was aired for everyone to see. That last thing I wanted to do was talk about the downfall of the pitiful relationship we used to have, a relationship not even worthy of talking about.

This was awkward.

Awkward as fuck.

More awkward than if Freddy really did send Tasha his cock-mail. I would pretty much pay him anything right about now to make a speedy delivery.

Darlene cut the tension. “Well, good thing we hired you for your professional experience and your ability to sell any product that comes your way rather than for your mistrials in your personal life.”

“Yes, if that was the case, Freddy would have been fired the first day on the job,” Danielle added. “But that boy is good at what he does. Such an odd bird, that one.”

Everyone but Tasha laughed. Thank God for Freddy being an idiot.

“Now that we all know each other, let’s get down to business. Shall we take our seats?”

Listening to Darlene, the group sat down. I made sure to stay as far away from Tasha as possible, avoiding all eye contact as well. The more I mentally denied what was happening, the more I avoided melting into a pool of my own sweat. I knew Tasha; she could be ruthless when it came to what she wanted. I had no doubt in my mind the claws were coming out for this.

Walter passed around folders with Legacy’s label pressed on the front of them. The folder was on the higher end and I made a note of it. This was just a simple folder, but if Legacy took pride in small items like folders, then they would want the same representation for their product. Flipping to the first page, I took in the table of contents and let out a deep sigh. This was going to be one long meeting.

“The Legacy account, home of condoms, lubes, and a small department of vibrators,” Darlene started, a presentation popping up on the TV. “This is the biggest account out on the market right now, and we are going to make sure Bentley Agency wins the bid. They are looking for some fresh new branding, something to make them pop on the shelves. They want to cater toward men, but also women, while using the power of social media, something they’ve never done before. That’s why we brought in Tasha. We feel she can give us a perspective on the product that we might not have thought of before.”

I couldn’t help but smirk. Darlene should have just said, Tasha has used a lot of condoms in her life and can give us great knowledge on what they feel like for women. She was a little loose in college; she should be able to offer an in-depth perspective on condom usage.

“We have a month to come up with fresh and innovative ideas. This is an account that we will win; do not let me down. Danielle, go through the details for us.”

Danielle went over Legacy’s sales figures, their current branding, their social media and advertising, as well as their presence in the market. They weren’t catering to the young crowd, something I knew I could assist with, and they weren’t catering to women either, something I knew I could help them improve as well, despite the penis that resided in my pants. I just had to make sure I came up with a better idea than Tasha.