The Problem with Forever (28 page)

He’d kept a book I was positive he hated reading because it reminded him of me. My heart practically exploded in my chest, into a puddle of goo. Spray-painting the heart between our names had been cheesy-sweet, but this? This meant the world to me.

“After you were gone,” he said, swallowing hard as he placed the book aside, “it was all I had of you.”

My lips parted, and I didn’t even stop to think. I lurched at Rider, throwing my upper body toward him. It was awkward and possibly the most unattractive thing ever, but I didn’t care. His arms swept around me the same second I clasped mine around his neck. I didn’t say anything. There was no need. I buried my head in the space between his neck and shoulder, and he held me as I held him.

We’d been separated.

But we had never really been apart.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that, but eventually the embrace changed. We ended up lying down on that neatly made bed. Rider was on his back and I was on my side, my head resting on his shoulder. There was a space between our bodies, but lying like this had my pulse jumping all over the place.

Rider was right there. I could reach out and touch him. Anywhere. And I wanted to touch him. But I kept my hands folded in the space between us, and he kept one hand on my waist and the other planted on his stomach.

The old copy of
The Velveteen Rabbit
rested between us.

We talked and listened to each other. I told him how I confided in Ainsley Sunday night.

“That had to be hard to do.” His thumb moved along my waist. “I’m proud of you.”

Grinning, I wiggled closer as I talked to him about Jayden and how I believed that he was finally hearing Rider and Hector. Inch by inch, I moved closer to him, which left just the book between us. His hands stayed where they were even though I wanted him to touch me.

And I didn’t want him to touch me.

That made no sense, but I had no idea what to do with...all of that. I wanted to learn, really wanted to, but I had no idea what I was doing. Lifting my chin, I watched his lips move as he spoke quietly about the time he’d gotten in trouble for tagging the school. He’d done it on a dare.

I was listening, but I was also fascinated by how his lips curled around each word. I remembered how they felt against mine. At night, when I lay in bed, it was all I thought about. Those memories made me feel hot.

I wanted to feel that again.

Was it too soon to kiss again? He hadn’t kissed me that way since Saturday. Granted, he’d only seen me in school in the last two days and he’d kissed my cheek a handful of times, but I wanted more.

He’d stopped talking and his eyes were closed.

Taking a deep breath, I shifted up, putting my weight on my elbow. His eyes fluttered open as my hair slid over my shoulders, curtaining my face.

His gaze searched my face as he lifted his hand off his stomach. His fingers hesitated at my cheek and then he tucked the hair back behind my ear.

“Mouse?” he whispered.

There was a good chance I was going to start wheezing, and how unattractive would that be? “I want...” I wetted my lips, and I saw his gaze drop. “I want to...”

A long moment stretched between us. “Do you want to kiss me?” he asked, thick lashes lowered, shielding his eyes. “Is that what you want?”

Now I wanted to bury my face into a pit of nothing. I could
die
, but I pushed down the wave of embarrassment. Rider had to know I had no experience in this even though I bet he had tons.

“Yes,” I gasped out in barely a whisper.

“You want that? You can have it. Whenever.” His voice was deep, rougher. “You don’t even have to ask. Ever.”

Good to know. “Okay.”

I didn’t move. “I don’t know what...to do.”

His eyes met mine and then he moved his hand, curling his fingers around the nape of my neck. “I’ll show you.”

My heart jumped and I nodded.

With the slightest pressure, he guided me down. Our lips touched, and sparks ignited in my veins. He slowly moved his lips against mine, and I mimicked the act.

After a few moments I realized that if I tilted my head to the side, the pressure increased, and I liked that, really liked it. Rider seemed to like that, too, because his fingers tightened against my skin. Shifting my upper body closer to his, I reached out to steady myself, placing my hand on his chest.

His lips parted under mine and I felt the tip of his tongue. Blood pounded through me in a heady manner, and as our tongues touched, I was drenched in feeling, in sensation. The kiss changed, and he tasted like soda and something good, something I couldn’t name, but knew I wanted more of.

I don’t know how long we kissed like that. Seconds? Minutes? When we finally stopped, my skin felt flushed and muscles low in my stomach were clenched tight.

Goodness.

I blinked open my eyes. What I was feeling, the dizzying warmth in my muscles and the sweet pulsing in certain areas of my body? It was exhilarating and frightening. It was beautiful and messy.

Rider exhaled softly. I settled my cheek back on his shoulder. His chest rose and fell heavily, as if he’d exerted himself. My chest moved the same. We lay in silence again, our hands joined, resting on his stomach.

“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “You want to do that anytime? You just go right ahead.”

Closing my eyes, I giggled. I might do just that, I thought.

We lay there for a while, and when it grew close to when it was time for me to head home, Rider tapped my hip. I grabbed my bag and before I left his bedroom, I took one last look at
The
Velveteen Rabbit.

My heart got all gooey.

“I can ride with you,” he said once we were downstairs. “Catch the—”

“That’s not necessary.” Sweet of him to offer, but that was majorly going out of his way. I held out my hand for the keys. “I know my way back.”

One side of his lips quirked. “I know.”

I stared at him as he dropped my keys in my palm. Then he lowered his head, kissing me softly and far too quickly.

“Walk you to your car?” he offered.

I nodded, and we both headed into the living room just as the front door of the house opened. An older woman walked in, a blue lunch bag in one arm and a black tote dangling from her wrist. Her black hair was liberally sprinkled with gray and pulled back in a low ponytail. I guessed this was Mrs. Luna, but she didn’t appear to be that old. I stilled as the door swung shut behind her and she turned in our direction.

She came to a complete stop, her dark eyes widening. A prickly sensation crawled over me as her gaze moved from me to Rider.

“Hey, Mrs. Luna.” Rider stepped forward, slightly in front of me. “This is Mallory. She stopped over after school.”

Mrs. Luna blinked once and then twice. “Mallory?” she repeated. The bright gaze zeroed in on me. “
This
is
Mallory.”

Oh my God.

“Yeah, this is her,” he answered.

“Oh.” The woman shook her head and then stepped into the living room. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. I didn’t know you were coming over. I would’ve made sure I got here earlier.” The skin crinkled around her eyes as she narrowed them at Rider. “This young man should’ve told me. I could’ve made my—”

“You don’t have to make anything,” Rider replied. “Mallory has to head home anyway.”

Mrs. Luna walked over to drop the tote onto the recliner. She glanced at Rider as I stared at her. Words darted around, and I grasped at them. They slipped through my fingers as the silence stretched out between us.

She shrugged off a light jacket, draping it over the back of the chair. “Well, I hope I see you again. For dinner next time. I am famous for my
arroz con gandules
.” Her smile was warm. “You’ll love it.”

“It’s basically ham, yellow rice and pigeon peas,” Rider explained with a grin. “It’s really good.”

I nodded.

“And you’ll see her again.” Rider nudged my shoulder. “Right?”

I nodded once more.

Rider placed his hand on my lower back. “Well, Mallory needs to get going...”

My cheeks burned and irritation rose swiftly, swirling inside me. This time it had a different effect. It forced words out. “It’s nice...to meet you.” My face burned even hotter, because I tripped all over the words, but I spoke them.

Mrs. Luna nodded as she stepped to the side. The front door opened and a second later Jayden came in. A lazy grin tipped up the corners of his lips when he spotted us in the living room. The bruise around his eye had only faded a shade or two, and I wondered what Mrs. Luna had thought when she first saw it.

“Hey, you couldn’t get enough of me? Followin’ me home, now?” Jayden toed off his sneakers, placing them near the door as he smiled at me. “Stayin’ for dinner?”

“Nah, Mallory’s got to get home,” Rider responded.

“Too bad.” Jayden walked toward his grandmother. “Let me get that,” he said, taking her lunch bag from her. “I’m gonna make you dinner tonight.”

Rider raised his brows at that.

“Really?” Mrs. Luna smiled at Jayden. “You’re so good to me,” she said, letting Jayden usher her toward the kitchen. “What would I do without you,
mi nene hermoso
?”

“You’d be lost without me,” he teased, wrapping an arm around her waist. “Just like Mallory.”

I smiled as Rider guided me outside. Dusk was rapidly fading into night. Streetlamps shone dully on the sidewalk. Rider took ahold of my hand.

“Can I ask something kind of personal?” I asked.

“Sure,” he replied.

“What happened to...Hector and Jayden’s parents?”

“Their father was Mrs. Luna’s son. He died of cancer when they were little.” He squeezed my hand as we passed a tree. “And their mother kind of lost it, I guess. Or maybe she never had it? I don’t know. She’s on drugs pretty bad. Stops by once a year. Last I heard she was living in DC.”

“That’s...sad,” I said, wishing there was more that I could say.

“Yeah,” Rider murmured. We stopped by my car. “You sure you don’t need me to ride back with you?”

I nodded as I stared up at him. My gaze searched his. “Can I...ask you something else?”

Rider grinned. “You can ask me whatever.”

“Are you happy there?”

“There? You mean in Mrs. Luna’s house?” When I nodded, he placed both his hands on my shoulders and then lowered his head so we were eye level. “I’m as happy as I can be. Got a roof over my head and four walls with food on the table. After school, it’s my goal to keep those things.”

“But...but home should be more than that,” I told him. “Life...it should be more than that.”

He brushed his lips across my cheek. “It should be, but it’s not for everyone. You know that.”

Chapter 27

Rosa and Carl sat at the dinner table Wednesday evening in stunned silence as they stared at me. The broccoli I’d forced down my throat started to sprout roots and dig into my stomach.

I tensed as Carl looked at Rosa. Their eyes met, and once again I marveled at how they had the whole silent communication thing down to a science.

Clearing his throat, Carl placed his fork onto the table. “You were invited to a party?”

I nodded slowly. “I’ve...told you about Keira. She invited me.”

“And this party is at a boy’s house?” he asked.

Perhaps I should’ve kept that part to myself. “He’s a...friend.” That part wasn’t necessarily true and it wasn’t a lie. In reality, we were acquaintances.

“A
friend
?” Rosa’s normally level voice pitched. “Who isn’t Rider?”

“I do have...guy friends,” I replied drily, thinking of Hector and Jayden, and she blinked. “Ainsley will go with us.” Which was true. Ainsley was going. I’d even told Keira at lunch today that I’d invited her, and she was excited to meet my friend. “I really...would like to go.”

Silence.

The two resumed their mental telepathy.

I started to squirm in my chair as I stared at my half-eaten pork chop. If Rosa and Carl gave me the go-ahead for Saturday, I’d pick up Ainsley first and then Rider. The three of us would go to the party together.

A real, actual party.

My stomach twisted tighter.

Carl took a sip of his water and then said, “Are this guy’s parents going to be there?”

I had no idea. Probably not, but that wasn’t what I was going to say. “I think so.”

More looks were exchanged. Maybe I should’ve sounded more certain.

“We would like to talk to his parents,” Carl said.

My eyes widened. “What? That would be...embarrassing.”

“Mallory—”

“No one’s parents do that,” I insisted, horrified by the prospect of them setting up a parental powwow just the way they had with my teachers behind my back. “If you have to...talk to them, then I shouldn’t go. I just wanted—”

“I think it will be fine,” Rosa injected, earning Carl’s sharp look. “I do,” she said, meeting his gaze. “And I think it’s wonderful that you were invited and want to go. I also don’t think we need to speak to anyone.”

I about fell out of my chair.

Carl raised his brows.

She looked at me, long and hard. “I think you’re ready for this.”

I jumped out of my chair and hugged her.

“And I think this is good,” she continued, her gaze never wavering, but she smiled, and I could tell that she really meant it. “You have a curfew, Mallory. It’s eleven o’clock. We expect you home at that time and not five minutes past it.”

Pressing my lips together, I nodded.

“There are probably going to be...things there I need you to handle with maturity,” she said, and Carl squeezed his eyes tight. “Be responsible with Rider.”

I blushed as I thought about all the ways I could be irresponsible with him.

“No drinking. No drugs,” she added.

“Of course,” I immediately responded, and that was also true. I had no plan to partake in illegal substances at my first party. Goodness, I was already a dork most of the times. I didn’t need to be a drunk or high dork.

Carl opened his eyes, but he still looked like he was about to stroke out.

“We’re going to trust you with this, Mallory.” Rosa smiled, and I wanted to smile, too. “And trust is a big deal. Don’t let us down.”

“I won’t,” I promised, and then I did smile, glancing at Carl. He appeared to have aged about twenty years. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me,” he replied. “This is all on Rosa.”

“Hush it,” she replied with a grin and then winked at me.

My smile grew and I could not wait to tell Ainsley and Rider the party was a go, but...but a little nugget of worry formed deep in my belly. Part of me hadn’t expected them to agree, and now that they had, there was still a little part of me that wished they’d change their minds.

* * *

I was smiling as I zipped up my bag before lunch on Friday. Rider had taken a different route between classes just so he could catch me outside my locker to give me a kiss.

My lips still tingled minutes after he’d sauntered off to get to class. I might’ve still been a little embarrassed at the PDA, but it occurred to me as I swapped out my morning books that the things that stressed me out at the beginning of the school year—things like the prospect of being late to class, having nowhere to sit during lunch or not having anyone to talk to—weren’t things I actually worried about anymore.

Now I worried about the exam in calculus next week and what I was going to wear Saturday night. I slung my now much-lighter bag over my shoulder and turned around. My step faltered as I saw Paige coming down the hall with another girl. Paige’s smile slipped off her face when she spotted me.

Crap.

I started walking, pretending as if she wasn’t there. Her steps slowed as she neared me. Then she stopped right in front of me.

Tension poured into my shoulders.

“I’ll meet up with you later,” she said to her friend while she stared at me. “You and I need to talk.”

Pressing my lips together, I inhaled through my nose. This day had been coming. I knew it. And the longer it had gone without Paige saying something to me, the more I hoped she wouldn’t. Hoping was stupid.

She crossed her arms over her chest as she eyed me. No book bag. I wondered if she was supposed to be in class. “I bet you’re happy now, aren’t you? You waltz right back into his life and become the center of his universe like before. Poor little
Mouse
needed him and he dropped my ass in a heartbeat.”

I wasn’t the center of his universe.

I wasn’t poor little Mouse anymore.

And “dropping” her had been hard for him. Hadn’t he told me how much he hated hurting her?

I didn’t say any of those things, though, because the seal was in my throat, cutting off all words.

Paige laughed under her breath as she shook her head. “You know, this is unbelievable. He left me for this.” She laughed again. “Whatever. Part of me wants to beat your ass down, right here.”

My stomach dropped.

“And I could. What would happen? I’d get suspended. Big deal. Wouldn’t be the first time. But I’m not going to. You know why?”

I didn’t know why, but I was relieved to hear that.

“Rider would never speak to me again if I did something like that. He’d never—” Her voice cracked. A fine sheen covered her eyes. “He’d never forgive me. He might’ve dropped my ass, but I still care about him. I won’t do that to him.”

Those...those were tears in her eyes.

Oh my God.

“But you know what?” she said. “You’re too good for him now.”

The seal dropped and I wasn’t thinking about her having tears in her eyes. “I am not too good for him.”

Surprise flickered across Paige’s face.

“Because I’m not better than him,” I continued. “He’s not...below me or anyone.”

“No. You misunderstood me,” she said, lowering her voice. “You knew Rider.
Knew
him. And that was a lifetime ago for both of you. Sooner or later, you’re going to realize that, probably when you’re sitting in your nice house in your perfect little neighborhood. Or maybe when you’re in college and he’s looking for a place to live. At some point you’re going to realize all you two have in common is your past and when you do, you’re going to break his heart.”

I stepped forward. This was what she’d meant in speech, when she’d told me someday I’d let him down. “You’re...wrong.”

She blinked.

“I’d never do that...to him,” I swore. “I’d never hurt Rider.”

“Really?” Her brows flew up. “You’re doing a bang-up job of not hurting him so far.”

I had no idea what she meant by that. I distantly heard the final bell ring, signaling the next period had started, but neither of us made a move to leave.

“He’s lived for years with guilt because of you,” she spat, anger flushing her cheeks. “He had no idea what happened to you and he blamed himself for it all.”

“It—”

“And now you’re back and still convincing him he needs to protect you from everything. Do you think you’re the only one who’s had a tough life?”

I didn’t think that at all.

“Think again,
Mouse
. I’ve been taking care of my little sister since she was born because my dad is a worthless drunk and my mom is working two jobs just to put food on the table. And what do you think happens when my dad gets pissed?” she continued, cheeks flushing pink with anger. “I turn into a human punching bag so he doesn’t go after Penny. But do you see me moping around about it? Expecting anyone to take care of me?”

Oh my God.

“But you could never take care of yourself and that sure as shit hasn’t changed. Jesus, you can’t even stand up in front of a class and give a damn speech!” Her voice grew dangerously calm as she delivered that well-aimed blow. “Why do you think no one in class has given you shit about that? Anyone else they’d eat alive, but not while Rider’s there. Oh no, they see him with you and they know not to mess with you. But he can’t always be there. So there’s going to come another time when you can’t handle anything, when you can’t stand up for yourself, and he won’t be there. You’ll fall and he’ll be left picking up the pieces, blaming himself. That’s how it works. That’s how it will always work for you two.”

My mouth dropped open as I stepped back.

“Even now.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “You can’t even stand up for yourself. You know what? You’re right. You’re not too good for him. He deserves better.”

Paige stalked away, leaving me standing there in the middle of the empty hall, alone with the truth of her words.

* * *

I woke up early Saturday morning and gathered up my carving supplies. I went through several bars in several hours. My room smelled like Irish Spring. After lunch, and on my third pack of soap, wings took shape along the right side and then the left, held together by a center no wider than my thumb.

I hadn’t slept well Friday night.

Nightmares had woken me up every couple of hours, and it had nothing to do with the party later today. My nerves had taken a backseat.

Paige’s words were haunting me.

They were mean and spiteful, but they were also true. I’d come far, but I...I was still
Mouse
. I couldn’t even stand up in class to give a speech. I stood there and let Paige drag me through the mud. I didn’t stand up for myself.

Not yesterday.

Not when Carl had dismissed the whole social work thing.

Not when Rosa and Carl made the deal with Mr. Santos.

Paige and I had more in common than I ever would’ve thought we would. She came from a bad home, still lived in one, but she wasn’t like me. She
dealt
with it. I hid from it.

I’d come so far, but I still...felt weak. Like glassware. If I fell, I would shatter, and Rider would... He would pick up the pieces and he would blame himself. I knew that. Paige was right. That was what we had.

But I couldn’t let that be all that we were.

* * *

By the time I needed to stop to get ready for Peter’s party, a butterfly had formed. I’d never done one of those before. It still needed detail, I thought as I carefully placed it on my desk and turned to my closet.

Going to this party was huge, but the excitement was tainted as I slipped on the dress I’d picked out the night Rosa and Carl had said I could go. It was quarter-sleeved and royal blue. I paired it with black tights and flats. It wasn’t dressy, but I thought it was cute.

I stared at myself in the mirror for several seconds. That was all it took to hear Paige’s words again. I thought about speech class and why none of the other students had said anything about me not giving the speech along with them. As soon as that thought finished, a memory formed.

“You can come out now,” Rider said, crouched in front of the closet door. The room was softly lit behind him, but he was nothing more than a shadow.

Clutching Velvet to my chest, I shook my head. Tears had dried on my cheeks. I was never going to come out.

“It’s okay, Mouse. I promise.” Rider lifted his arms. “He’s gone. It’s just us and Miss Becky. You can come out.”

I lowered the doll. If Mr. Henry was gone, then it was okay. Uncurling, I pushed onto my knees and crawled forward. The moment I reached the door, Rider grasped my free hand. He pulled me onto my feet. I looked up and saw his face. His lip was split and turning an angry red. Fresh cut. Mr. Henry’s fists. I’d hidden while Rider distracted him.

“You’re safe now,” Rider said. “I’m here. You’re safe, Mouse. And I know you might not believe it, but I’m going to keep you safe forever.” He swallowed and swiped at his lip. “That’s a promise.”

Forever.

He’d promised he’d be there for me for forever.

But I was of the mind that there were two types of forever.

The good kind.

The bad kind.

I’d learned early on that the good kind of forever was, well, it was a lie. That kind of forever literally and figuratively ended in flames, because no matter how tightly you tried to hold on, that kind of forever slipped between the fingers.

The bad kind of forever lingered like a shadow or ghost. No matter what. It stayed, always in the background.

Closing my eyes, I focused on breathing past the burn. I couldn’t think about that right now. Tears clogged my throat, but I knew I wouldn’t cry. I hadn’t cried since I left that house.

Holy crap, I seriously hadn’t cried since that night. Realizing that just now left me feeling like there was a pit of snakes in my stomach. It wasn’t like my tear ducts were defective. My head was stuck. Everything was stuck. And I had to get...unstuck.

Starting with tonight.

I took the time to do just that on the way over to Ainsley’s. She lived in Otterbein, in one of the historic row homes pretty close to the Inner Harbor. I had no idea what houses went for in this area, but I knew they had to cost a pretty penny.