Chapter 33
SAUNDRA
I
sobbed on that cold leather, my chest rising and falling until it hurt, tears racing down my face and drenching my blouse. I wept for Evelyn, who loved a man who would never love her or any other woman. I wept for Mama, who had lain with a man who was obviously just experimenting to see if he could stand making love to a female.
Finally, when I could cry no more, I closed my eyes tight and wished that I could fall asleep and wake up to find out it was all a nightmare. If not that, then that I could wake up in some alternate universe where Asha and I were still little girls with Mama making banana pancakes in the kitchen. Oh, to find myself back on the bottom bunk in the small bedroom of our old apartment with Asha on the top bunk reading under the covers with a flashlight, listening to bags of garbage drop from the window of some lazy tenant down into the alley. To be small, adored, and ignorant of just how ugly and deceitful the world could be.
I heard Asha's bedroom door opening and knew she was coming to check on me, so I regulated my breathing and pretended to be asleep.
She stood there for a moment, kissed me on the cheek and went back to her room.
It occurred to me that she would probably take the next day off from work and I didn't want her to. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to plan. There was no way I was ever going to tell my sister the truth about Phil. I was too ashamed.
So, I waited another hour and then tiptoed around until I found a pen and some paper. I wrote a note to her in big letters. It said:
Asha,
I know you mean well but go to work in the morning. I need time to be alone and sort some stuff out. Please don't be stubborn about this, Asha. Respect my wishes and I promise to call before you go to lunch so you know that I'm all right.
Love,
Saundra
I taped that note to the bathroom door.
I woke up the next morning with a soft pillow under my face and a comforter spread over my body and up to my neck. There was a note from Asha on the coffee table along with her house keys and a credit card.
Hey, Sisâ
Hope you're feeling better this morning. Take the Visa and go shopping. That always lifts my spirits. Call me at work like you promised.
Hugs and kisses,
Asha
What a horrible night! There were no more tears left. Just a dull headache, sore limbs and a thousand questions.
How long had Phil been gay?
Should I tell poor Evelyn?
Would Asha let my pets live here too?
What skeletons did Yero have in his closet that he would have sprung on me after twenty years of marriage and five kids?
The answers to those questions would have to wait. It was time to call Yero. He was behind the stamp counter now so I dialed his cell. The phone rang three times before he answered.
“Yero?”
“Saundra! Baby, I'm really sorry about yesterday. What I said about Asha was just plain wrong. Do you forgive me?”
“Yero, we need to talk.”
“Okay. I'll come over after work.”
“Don't.”
“What?”
“Don't go to Phil's house.”
“Phil? When did you start calling your father by his first name?”
“I've moved out of Phil's house.”
His voice rose in fear. “Baby, where are you?”
“Living with Asha.”
He was silent for a second. “What happened?”
“Nothing I ever want to talk about.”
“Saundra . . .”
I cut him off. “Yero, I need a whole lot of space right now. No relationship. No wedding. Nothing but space.”
“Whoa! I'm leaving work and coming to see you. Now.”
My voice was steel. “Don't. I mean it, Yero. I won't be here.”
“Saundra, why are you treating me like this?”
He sounded so pitiful.
“Yero, I'm sorry, but I don't really know who you are.”
“Who I am? Saundra, are you having a nervous breakdown? Put Asha on the phone.”
“Asha is at work.”
“I'm on my way.”
Yero hung up before I could say another word.
I heard footsteps behind me and then a deep male voice said, “Another brother bites the dust!”
Too frightened to even scream, I whirled around and came face-to-face with a six-foot stranger who was emerging from Asha's bedroom.
“Oh, my God! Who are you?”
He looked confused and then backed up, holding his hands above his head. “Nick Seabrook. Asha's friend.”
My throat felt dry. “How did you get in?”
“I was already here when you came last night.”
I vaguely remembered Asha mentioning a man in her bed. “Oh. Right.”
He lowered his arms. “Don't start tripping and shoot me, okay?”
“Okay.”
He sighed. “Jeez! You put a pillow under a sister's head so her cheek don't get scratched on leather and cover her up with a blanket so she doesn't freeze to death and then in the morning she wants to kill you.”
I went back to the sofa. “Sorry.”
He sat down beside me. “So, who was the brother that you just kicked to the curb?”
“My ex-fiancé.”
Ex-fiancé. The phrase hung in the air until it made me double over in pain.
Nick dropped his jocular air. “There isn't a man on earth who is worth that kind of agony,” he said quietly. “Try to forget whatever he has done to you.”
“He didn't do anything,” I wailed.
“Excuse me?”
“Well, he did do something. I just don't know what it is yet and I have no intention of sticking around to find out.”
Nick stared at me and said nothing but I didn't feel like explaining.
Chapter 34
ASHA
I
was calculating a spreadsheet when Kevin rang to say my sister was on the phone.
“Saundra, are you all right?”
“Yes. I just called to warn you that my ex might show up at Macy's today.”
“Yero? Coming here? Why?”
“Probably to talk you into getting us back together but I'm telling you right now that I don't want to hear it.”
“Fine. No skin off my back.”
“Asha, you've been right all along.”
“About Yero?”
“About all men. Fuck them all.”
She slammed the phone down in my ear.
It was such a relief to hear Saundra sounding like herself again. The old Saundra from high school, the one who used to scratch up faces and hit people over the head with bottles and shit.
All this earth mother stuff is just a mask for the tough girl she's always been. I'm not saying that it's acceptable for a grown woman to act out like she used to when she got frustrated, but in a way, it was refreshing to hear the old Saundra's voice and not that of Lao Tzu or Iyanla Vanzant. Evelyn was the one who told her to learn to “channel her strength” with meditation, chanting, affirmations and all that other bullshit. That's fine if that is who a person is, but Saundra was never like that. She was always the one out of the two of us that faced things head on without the gloss. I always admired her bluntness but when she started trying to be someone she wasn't, things got weird. The funny thing is, she never stopped being up front with meâjust with herself.
If Saundra is beginning to wake up out of her yoga zone, then I feel sorry for Yero because he hasn't seen rage yet.
I knew Yero was going to end up full of shit because all those so called “righteous brothers” are. All they do is talk shit about uplifting the race, grow their dreads, sport militant T-shirts and don't end up doing shit.
Dante used to wear those leather medallions back in high school, the ones with the continent of Africa painted red, black, and green with a gold lion in the center. Sometimes he wore several of them at the same time and had the nerve to blast Gang Starr, Poor Righteous Teachers and Brand Nubian all the time, and look what he did to his so-called “African Queen.”
If he had done that to the old Saundra, she would have castrated him like I should have.
Chapter 35
SAUNDRA
A
fter throwing Nick out and calling my sister, I decided to shower and then find an organic food store. There was nothing in Asha's refrigerator that I would even consider putting in my mouth.
The phone rang several times and the Caller ID let me know that it was Phil, then Evelyn calling from her car, then Phil, then Evelyn two more times.
Phil could go to hell with his nasty ass but I would return Evelyn's call when I get back.
The cold air felt good and helped clear my head as I wove in and out of all the side streets on my way to the open market a few blocks away. I grabbed a shopping cart and started throwing healthy food into it: prickly pear extract, six-grain bread, tofu, vegan pizza dough, eight Roma tomatoes, coarse salt, veggie burgers, soy milk, vegan maple syrup, Rapadura whole organic sugar, Gimmie Lean sausage, Vegemite gravy, soy milk, vegan banana pancakes, un-chicken broth, Almost cheese, Just like chicken, brown rice and non-dairy ice cream.
On the walk back, I realized that although the truth about Phil's sexuality had stunned me beyond belief, it wasn't what hurt the most. Being gay goes against the laws of nature but it isn't evil.
What really hurt was the way he and Hugo had deceived both me and Evelyn for all these years.
Chapter 36
EVELYN
I
feel exhausted. Sick of Mama asking me what the matter is and sick of pretending to be sick so I don't have to go to work. Sick of thinking about Phil, Saundra, and Hugo. Sick of wondering how I'm going to make the retreat happen because I would never take money from Phil for anything now. You can't build a wellness center with funds from the devil.
So I've come to see Saundra. She will know that it is a good-bye without me having to say so. She will notice that my skin, normally the color of butterscotch, is now a blotchy, sickly stale butter. She will see the slight bend to my shoulders, which wasn't there before, and she will know that I have to get far far away from here.
I told Saundra that I would come over around noon.
When she opened the door, there was a new set to her jaw, determination in her eyes and the youngish enthusiasm was gone. In a way, it was comforting to know that Saundra had grown upâalbeit the hard wayâand would be able to take care of herself from now on.
I said hello, managed a smile and we hugged.
She started talking as soon as our butts hit Asha's leather sofa.
“I'm so sorry, Evelyn. What Phil has done to you is unconscionable.”
“Don't apologize for your father's treachery, Saundra. It isn't healthy.”
She nodded and fell back with her arms folded across her chest. “I'll never forgive him.”
“Then you didn't learn anything from me, Saundra. You have to forgive him for your own peace of mind.”
My words sounded hollow probably because I knew it would take an in-person visit from the Dalai Lama himself to make me ever forgive Phil.
She tried to put her arms around me but something deep inside me just couldn't accept the gesture. Her hands fell away and she looked uncertain.
“Evelyn, what can I do to help you?”
I tried to laugh at that but it came out as a bark. Was I losing my mind? “Nothing, baby. Just try to understand if I don't make it to your wedding. I'll certainly be there in spirit.”
“I'm not getting married. Yero and I broke up.”
Now I had to pull her into my arms. “Don't be a fool, Saundra,” I whispered. “Yero is the real thing and you deserve no less than a good man like him. Promise me that you'll reconsider?”
She cried quietly. “I promise.”
We made a little small talk but I felt uncomfortable. It was time for me to go. My job was done.
Chapter 37
ASHA
Y
ero showed up just as I was heading out for lunch. I expected him to look sad or angry but not dazed and confused.
He looked over at me from the armchair near my desk while I sat with my arms folded, trying to look stern and official.
“Thank you for seeing me, Asha,” he said in a very tired voice.
“What happened to Saundra last night?” I demanded.
“I didn't see Saundra last night. We had a little spat earlier in the evening and I went home. She called this morning to say she had moved out of Phil's house and the wedding was off.”
“It must have been more than a little spat for her to kick you to the curb.”
His eyes filled with pain. “Then she really means it? We're through?”
I shrugged. “Looks that way.”
“But why?”
I couldn't understand why he looked so bewildered. “Evidently, it felt like more than a spat to my sister.”
“No way,” he shouted.
“Lower your voice,” I whispered. “Are you trying to get me fired?”
“There is no way that Saundra would call off our wedding because of that petty mess.”
“What did the two of you argue about?”
He looked embarrassed. “I can't tell you.”
“Yech! That means it's a sexual issue and, you're right. I don't want to know.”
“Asha, look at me.”
I looked into his eyes and saw fear.
“I swear to you that I don't know why Saundra is so pissed off at me. I swear that the words we exchanged yesterday were not the type that would make any woman call off her own wedding.”
It was clear he was telling the truth.
“What the hell is going on?”
“That's what I've been trying to tell you. I don't have any idea.”
“What was the fight between Saundra and Phil about?” I asked sharply.
Yero stood up so quickly that he banged his knee hard on my desk and let out a yelp of pain.
“Saundra had a fight with Phil?”
“You didn't know?”
He shook his head in denial and slumped back into the chair with one hand covering his face. “Saundra is going to tell me to my face that she doesn't want me anymore. That's the only way to get rid of me.”
My head started to hurt. There was only one thing left to do. I pressed the speaker button so that Yero could hear the conversation and dialed Phil's number. He answered on the first ring.
“Saundra?”
“No. It's Asha. I'm sitting here with Yero and we need to talk to you.”
“Is Saundra okay?”
I took a deep breath. “No; she is most definitely not okay. What the hell went on out there last night?”
He groaned. “Put Saundra on the phone.”
“She isn't here Phil and I'm not telling you anything else about her condition until you answer the question.”
Phil started to cry. “Please tell me that she didn't try to . . . to . . . kill herself or something?”
“Kill herself?”
Yero and I exchanged frightened glances. In less than a second we were both crying.
“Phil, what happened?”
“You son of a bitch!” screamed Yero. “What the fuck is wrong with Saundra?”
“Phil, you have to tell me what happened.”
“Saundra,” he gasped.
I realized we were getting nowhere. “Phil, my sister did not try to kill herself and, physically she seems fine . . .”
“Thank God.”
“But something has shaken her up mentally. Yero and I can't help her if we don't know what's wrong.”
“She probably doesn't want you to know.”
I wanted to tear his head off. “Know what?”
“Saundra stumbled on a secret last night. Something that I didn't plan to tell her until after graduation and the wedding. I'm sorry.”
A secret.
I wiped my eyes. “What does the secret have to do with Yero?”
There was a pause. “Yero? It has nothing to do with him.”
This was some crazy shit. “Yes, it does. Saundra told him that she doesn't want to see him and the wedding is off.”
“Sweet Jesus,” he moaned. “Tell my daughter that I love her. Tell her I never meant to hurt her like this. Tell her not to start hating all men because of me.”
By now I was shaking the telephone console in frustration as Yero massaged my shoulders. “Phil, if you love Saundra, you've got to tell me the secret so I can help her.”
“Asha, if I do that she'll hate me forever.”
“Then what are we supposed to do, Phil?”
He whispered something to someone and then came back to the phone. “Saundra needs your love and some professional help. Yero should just be patient.”
“Professional help? You mean a shrink?”
He sighed. “Yes, a psychiatrist. I'll pay for it.”
“Put Evelyn on the phone.”
“Evelyn is not here. She and I broke up, too.”
I didn't know what else to say.