The Other F-Word (36 page)

Marley nodded, going out to the living room. I wondered if I’d said the words to convince her or myself.

I smiled as the reggae beat of Bob Marley and the Wailers drifted to me, singing
One Love
. Of course, she’d pick her namesake. We couldn’t help but smile at this song. I brought out the first platter, followed by my girls. Everyone helped, until the table was set with every conceivable dish. My heart swelled with the sight of my family in action. Kate and Adam Senior came to share in our last night too. Even Van Morrison in his own hissing, pretentious way seemed too busy reminiscing as he scampered off to the far corners of the house, retracing his old stomping grounds.

The table was brimming with food. I’d even prepared some meat dishes, which was a very rare occurrence in this house. Everyone’s favourites were present—mac and cheese for Billie, homemade applesauce for Adam and Bobby, potato pancakes for Rick, pot roast for Adam Senior and Kate, vegan lasagne for me and Stevie, French fries for Dillon and a slew of vegetables. German chocolate cake, per Marley’s request, was waiting for us in the kitchen. The meal was a total mishmash with no coherent pattern of rhyme or reason, yet it was perfect.

Everyone murmured their appreciation and plied me with compliments.

“We all put this together. This was not my accomplishment alone. It never has been,” I said, gesturing to everyone and lifting my wine glass in a toast. “To our family and friends. May we always know what it means to have music and joy in our lives and most of all…each other.”

Everyone clinked glasses as we readied to do the thing families did best…break bread and dish. It was perfect.

So perfect, it took a second to react to the table leg breaking. The long rectangular table fell in a corner, becoming a slick slide. Every dish fell to its death in a landslide of destruction. The sound of crashing glass, chairs scraping against hardwood, and loud shrieks that followed echoed through the room.

“Fuck,” I screamed, slapping my hands on my cheeks in what I was sure was a fine expression of the kid from
Home Alone.
My swear was harmonized by almost everyone in their own way. The swear jar was going to get quite a few deposits tonight.

“It’s okay, we can fix this,” Adam said, dropping to his knees. “We can rinse the food.”

“You can’t rinse lasagne,” Dillon retorted.

“Are you planning to pick out all the broken glass too?” Marley demanded, crossing her arms.

The poor boy was such an optimist sometimes. He tried to pick up the remnants of a dish, but it was clear the damage was irrevocable. Thank God Bobby was in his playpen and not at the table. The deafening sound did wake the little guy though, and Stevie rushed to comfort him.

“Don’t, Adam, you’re going to cut yourself,” I warned.

“Dammit, Adam, didn’t you screw that last leg on?” Rick said through clenched teeth.

“Dillon was supposed to tighten it.”

“Don’t blame this on me. You know I’ve never screwed anything before,” Dillon said, holding his arms out in exasperation.

“This is not the time to discuss your sex life,” Adam replied, adding humour just when we needed it.

“Adam,” Stevie chided as she comforted Bobby.

“It’s okay,” Dillon said, smacking Adam on the back. “I walked into that one all on my own.”

We all looked at the fallen table as if it was going to miraculously fix itself and our dinner would be restored. Then everyone turned to me, faces full of horror and pity. It was so sweet and weird and loveable, that I burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny? This is a disaster,” Stevie quipped. “We worked on that for hours.”

“I don’t think it’s a disaster, sweetie. It’s a story we’ll be telling for a long time to come and I can’t think of a better way to spend our last night together in our family home than to have another funny story to tell.”

“All your plates are ruined,” Kate said, already heading to the closet for a broom and dustpan.

“Less things for me to pack.” I nodded towards the boys who looked so guilty it made me chuckle again. “Less boxes for you boys to carry tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry about the table. I know it meant a lot to you,” Dillon said.

“We’re all sorry,” Rick added, rubbing the back of his neck.

“It served us well, but it’s time has passed.”

Van Morrison suddenly appeared from nowhere, trying to nip at the pile. Adam pushed him out of the way. He ran right back.

“Stevie, keep your damn pussy away from me,” Adam griped, picking up the cat and locking it in the bathroom where Prince was sequestered. We had planned on keeping them apart in case they didn’t like each other.

“You know Adam’s upset if he’s saying that,” Marley said.

Once the laughter died down though, they all looked forlornly at the pile before us as if the destroyed items were irreplaceable. Yes, they had sentimental value, but I had everything I needed right in front of me. I cleared my throat to get their attention. “You think I’m worried about this?” I gestured to the pile of wood, broken glass and food that littered the floor. “That I can’t handle it? I toured with the Dead you know!”

They all laughed. I could always make them laugh with that line. I clapped my hands. “Okay, new plan. Billie, Rick and Adam help Kate clean up. You can move the table to the garage for now. Marley grab trash bags…a lot of them. Stevie and Dillon, try to salvage the hardwood. Hopefully, it’s not too scratched up for the new owners. Adam Senior, order us food.”

“Chinese or pizza?” he asked.

“How about both? We have a lot of mouths to feed.”

“I’m on it, Emmie.”

We all got to work and an hour later, the mess was cleared. Kate and Adam Senior took up residence on the couch, but the rest of us sat cross-legged with paper plates in our laps, enjoying a much different kind of dinner but a feast no less. Adam Senior had decided we needed a variety. There were buckets from KFC, boxes from Pizza Hut, containers from China Palace and even throwaway silver platters from the new Lebanese place around the corner.

“Dillon, please come eat,” Marley pleaded. In hindsight, asking him to buff the floor was the worst job I could have given the boy. He was obsessing over every nick, and I was pretty sure most of them hadn’t occurred from tonight’s mishap.

“I’m almost finished.”

“But, Dillon—”

“Marley, just give me a minute.”

“It’s okay, we’ll save him a plate,” I said. Dillon wouldn’t be able to enjoy himself until he was satisfied. This much I knew.

“This is pretty ironic,” Billie said.

“Why?” Marley asked.

“Because Mom never let us eat like this the whole time we were living here. She was a total health nut, and now that she’s leaving, we’re officially pigging out.”

“Funny how things change,” Stevie said, pulling on Billie’s braid.

“I always said you guys are a bunch of hippies. I think this just proves it,” Kate said, gesturing to the room. “Besides the fact you’re all sitting around commune style, it looks like the holidays threw up in here. All of them at the same time.”

I shrugged. “I wanted it to be festive and besides, you’re an honorary member of this tribe, Kate.”

Adam Senior laughed. “I just want to know when you plan on passing around the peace pipe.”

“About the same time I pass out my special brownies,” I joked.

“You have special brownies, Emmie? I can’t wait to try them,” Adam Senior replied.

“Oh no, you don’t. The last thing I need is this one eating beans and sleeping in the same bed with me. I thought we were friends, Emmie.”

We all laughed. The music changed, and
Here Comes the Sun
by The Beatles came on.

“This is my favourite Beatles song,” I said.

“Mine too,” Dillon agreed, still working on the same spot on the floor. I stood up, throwing my plate away and walked over to him.

“The table breaking was a good thing,” I said.

Adam scratched his head. “Why would you say that?”

“Because we have room to dance.” I held my hand out to Dillon. “Will you do me the honour?”

“My pleasure,” he said, throwing the buffer cloth to Rick.

Everyone took our lead and we all started dancing. Adam held his son in one arm and his wife in the other. Rick whispered in Marley’s ear and she giggled in response. Adam Senior, for his huffing and hawing, was light on his feet with his wife in his arms.

“Don’t lie to me. You miss him,” Dillon said in a low voice, snapping me out of my daze.

“I miss him every single minute. My heart is broken and my soul is dying. I tell myself it’s because this house no longer belongs to me or that my kids are all off on their own lives, but I’m just making excuses. I love him, Dillon. I will always love him.”

“Wow, I really didn’t expect you to say all that.”

“You asked.” I laughed, but it came out slightly hysterical. “Oh my God, I’m acting like a drama queen right now.”

“Hey stop, you’ve been there for every one of us. You deserve to have some drama in your life.”

“It’s funny how much love is in this house. It’s like a beacon for it or something, but I guess it’s done now.”

“It’s never over. Look,” he said, gesturing to the corner.

I stared in shock as the newly freed Van Morrison and Prince were licking each other in some kind of frenzied dance of their own. In fact, Van Morrison looked like he was mounting Prince.

Marley broke the silence. “Are they fighting?”

“Naw, I’m pretty sure we’re looking at pussy pornography right now,” Adam said, adjusting his collar.

“Um…that’s not possible,” I said.

“Why isn’t it?” Dillon asked.

“Because they’re both males.”

Dillon beamed, shaking his head. “Since when has that ever been a problem?”

I giggled, patting him on the chest. “I guess it never has.”

“But they’re both fixed so how could they be doing that?” Stevie asked.

“Love will always find a way,” Rick said between boisterous laughs.

“Truer words have never been spoken, bro,” Adam replied.

“I told you weird things happen in this house,” Kate said to Adam Senior. “Maybe those brownies do have some magic beans, eh, Emmie?”

“I’ll never tell, but that does remind me that we still have dessert and one last dish session and no, it’s not brownies, I promise you.”

I went to the kitchen to take out the German chocolate cake and started cutting into it. I’d added real sugar this time, not the palm sugar I typically used. Everyone needed a little sugar once in a while, after all.

“Mom, Damien’s here,” Marley said, causing me to drop the knife mid-cut. My entire body froze in that moment. I tried to stuff all my emotion way…both the elation and fear.

I went to reach for the knife to try to fix the mess I’d made, but she stilled my hand with hers. “Why is he here?”

“He says he needs to talk to you. We invited him inside, but he wanted to wait for you on the porch.”

I wiped my hands on a dishtowel and took a deep breath.

“Mom,” Marley said, putting a hand on my shoulder. “I want to say something to you.”

“Marley, I can’t leave him waiting.”

“It’ll just take a second. You love him and that’s not something you throw away. I almost lost Rick because of my own demons, and I’m so thankful he never gave up on me.”

“Marley, this is different. I love you kids with all my heart, but it’s hard work raising children.”

She shrugged, gesturing to the door. “Won’t he be there this time?”

Damn…she was a smart girl.

“Yes, but—”

She held up her hand to silence me. A gesture I was familiar with, because it was my own. “There are a lot of men who can make you feel good for an hour, or a night, or a week. There’s very few that can make you feel cherished all the time.”

I smiled at her familiar statement. “You’re using my words against me. That’s not fair and it doesn’t apply to this situation.”

“First of all, who said daughters were fair, and secondly, it was as good advice then, as it is now.”

The epiphany hit me hard, like an energy bolt travelling through me. I loved Damien. I hadn’t wanted to have any more children…but that was before…before he came into my life and changed me. This man made me laugh, he took care of me—he had an amazing capacity to love. He owned my heart, and I wanted all of those things with him that I thought I was past. I wanted children…his children…ours.

I embraced her, thankful for the millionth time that I had such an amazing family. I walked to the door. Dillon held out my coat for me.

“It’s cold out there,” he said.

Kate squeezed my shoulder.

Adam gave me a high-five, which was kind of weird.

Damien stood outside on the far end of the porch. He looked as if he hadn’t slept in days. My heart ached and mended all at once, healed by the sight of him. His eyes glowed like bright stars in the dark night and his hair was sufficiently mussed, as if he’d spent a few hours running his hands through it. His smile was weak, surrounded by a day’s worth of stubble.

“What’s wrong, Damien?”

His normally impeccable dress was absent, replaced with a wrinkled oxford, top two buttons undone, and his painting jeans. My favourite jeans. He looked so sexy, I struggled not to jump into his arms…or hump his leg, but I restrained myself.

“I think everything’s right for once.”

“Come inside.”

He rushed towards me, taking my hand in his. “I need to say some things to you first, and then we can decide if I should come in. Are you cold?” He rubbed my arm, causing fresh goose bumps to appear.

“No, I’m fine.”

He looked past me into the picture window. “I didn’t know you were having a party. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“I sold the house. We’re just having a farewell dinner of sorts. I’m happy to see you, Damien.”

“I’ve been doing so much thinking this past week about everything that’s happened.”

“Damien—”

He covered my mouth with his hand before I could utter a word, which was good because it would have come out as gibberish. All my emotions were a tangled mess. A culmination of the conflicting events surrounding us.

“Let me finish, Jessie.” He waited for a moment. “I’ve been miserable without you. All this thinking, and I finally realised something. If we’re not meant to be married or have a family, I can accept that, but we are meant for each other. You belong to me and I belong to you. We answer to each other. That’s enough for me. Because the one thing I do know is that I love you with everything I am, and I need you in my life, baby.”