Authors: Carola Dibbell
Man! What is it with her?
“She’s a Sylvain hardy!” Rauden goes. “How much more special can you get than that? Get off my goddamn case!” He smacks the steering wheel till the truck goes sideways. It is a long time since I saw him do that. At least it shuts Janet up a while.
But when we’re on the regular road near the Farm, she starts again, and this time it is my case she’s on. How I bring Ani up it is not good for sales. Ani watches too much TV. I do not show her who is boss. If you do not show her who is boss, this is not a favor, to either of you. I’ll be sorry later. And don’t forget, when she’s two, Ani should do her business in a pot. I mean, great, that is really going to work.
Rauden’s yelling, “She’s a goddamn Sylvain hardy.” By now we’re at the turnoff to the Farm, and he has got out to fix the blinking light, then got back in. “No one is going to fucking care if she is toilet trained.” Now we are at the Quonset. “It’s not her they’re buying.”
We went inside and he is yelling and banging around so much, Ani wakes up from her nap and starts yelling too. She’s screaming, Rauden goes in some room and slams the door. I bring Ani to our room to calm her down and I just hear a lot of noise through the walls, doors slamming, banging around. He is on a bender. Slam, bang. We stay in our room. We can hear him banging around all night. Something falls down. I think he falls down.
Next thing we know, he’s waking us up in the night, breaking our gate. The Buffalo broker wants in! He has a client! They want the works—tank, blood, live babies. The broker understood our situation and will put cash down up front. He wants the work to start ASAP. So now we’re all in a better mood, even Janet.
The broker wants ten viables. So this is another difference from before. There will be two tanks, the old one and a brand new model Rauden will make with Henry. Lucas will not be involved. Remember the viables Rauden made to stay sober? He will thaw some of these out.
So now we’re in a rush, and with Lucas off the Project and Henry going back and forth from Albany, everyone got to pitch in. I’m going to clean the old tank, and Ani comes with me because where else could she go? I haven’t been in the tank room since she was born, and right away it all came back—the tubes, the track. The nesting, the lights. The names on the sections. This time there will be no names, just a) to j) so we won’t bond and it won’t bother us so much when they die. But when they do nest, it’s just as big a deal for all of us, even Janet. I didn’t even cry when d) and h) died right off. I’m too busy working out how to deal with Ani while I’m giving product hooked up to the IV. So that’s another difference from before. I must deal with Ani. After all that where do we sleep, we’re both in the rec room now.
j) died in July. I cried then. A lot. It’s like Berthe all over again. And what about Chi-Chi! I start to cry about Chi-Chi, even though she’s dead more than a year. I cried even more than when she died. So that is another difference from before. I cried more.
I’m more tired too. It could just be because now I must deal with Ani. I used to take a nap. I don’t take a nap, now. When I take a nap, guess who wakes me up? Fifteen months old. Still alive. I’m crying from the hormones but trying to hold her but my arm hurts where the IV is hooked. I’m trying to show her the viables, like, oh, look, there is a), b), c), e), f) g), eight weeks in, still alive. I don’t know if she noticed when c) died. I just say, look, a), b), e).
Janet gave us a look when I said that to Ani. Then she just looked the other way. She is always giving looks. Like, do not let Ani watch the TV. Show her who is boss. Usually when she gives looks she will tell me what I’m doing wrong, or once she even told Ani, “Tell Mommy, I need fresh air.” I mean, give me a break. Ani does not even talk and anyhow I will have to unhook everything to take her out. I am the only one Ani will even let take her anywhere, and I am so tired.
When the viables are ten weeks in, the Buffalo broker calls. He got clients! It’s a man and woman who lost their kid from Mumbai. They want to meet me and Ani. We don’t want them to see the tanks direct in case they report us but Rauden makes videos to show them. We got cleaned up, I put Ani in a little red dress we got from charity in Resettlement and some little shoes Janet found for her, which almost fit. Rauden unhooks me from the IV and we go meet the couple at the safe house so they can see how Ani looks at sixteen months old. The Buffalo couple seem really nice. It was like when I met Rini—they were crying. Another thing like Rini was, they changed their mind. The difference was, when Rini changed her mind, she had already put her money down.
What I’m saying is, they declined.
So we went back to the Farm. The rain started on the way back. Whatever. The broker pays Rauden, no matter what. It’s the broker’s goddamn problem.
I went straight to the rec room with Ani and hooked myself up. I checked the viables in the tanks. I gave Ani a cracker we left on a table when we left, and I took her on my lap, and I can tell you, if the Buffalo couple do not like our genes, whatever. But if they don’t like Ani, that is so whatever, I want to really shove them, hard. Something is wrong with Ani? Well, what is so great about
you?
Ani is alive. Could your other kid say that?
Rain started pouring to the floor through some hole in the Quonset wall. Janet came down to help wipe it up. She checked where my IV is in place, with a bandaid and a big bruise. Ani watched very careful, what Janet did. She was interested, she touched the bruise. I thought she was worried. I thought she was too young for me to tell her what it is, even if she talked, but it was very cute.
So, a few minutes later, Ani got off my lap and is playing with the toy Henry gave her. It is a sort of box on wheels with a string. She was pulling the string, then she like puts the string on her arm and walks away. Then she looks over her shoulder. The box didn’t move, the string is on the floor. She tried a lot of times. Then it hit me, she is pretending her toy is a little IV cart like is hooked up to me. She is pretending to be me. I thought that was so cute and looked at Janet Delize to see if she thought it’s cute too. So, right now an environmental factor sets in, and let me tell you, it’s going to be there for years. For years I wondered what would of happened if this didn’t happen.
Because what happened is, Janet was already giving Ani a look. To tell the truth, she’s staring. When she saw me looking at her staring, she looked away fast. I looked away too. But when I looked back at her in a minute, she was staring again, this time at the viables. Then she stared at the ground hard, frowning till she saw me look at her frowning and she just got up and pretends she’s busy, like, oh! Better clean the leak on the floor again.
Now, I was used to getting stared at. Ever since I got to the Farm, someone is staring or at least looking at me hard—Rauden, Bernie, Rini. Lucas. Ani always got a lot of looks in Queens. Well, she’s a baby. It is usually about how cute she is. This was not a look like that. I didn’t exactly know what kind of look it was. But I was pretty sure it was not a good look. It’s like Janet is thinking what’s happening here, something is wrong with it.
I don’t know why she would think that. I looked around the rec room. It was cozy. The rain made a nice sound. I’m giving blood to the IV. Ani is playing with the pretend IV cart. So then I look back at Janet, who is pretending to be busy cleaning up the leak, but sneaking looks at Ani, who is pretending to be me.
Then it hits me what Janet thinks could be wrong. It could be wrong if Ani is…
Me.
Man! How stupid is that?
A person could not be another person. Rauden said so.
Well, maybe it’s hormones or how tired I am or how the Buffalo couple declined, but while I’m thinking how stupid Janet is for thinking Ani’s me, I look over at the viables and think something stupid too.
Is she them?
Man! She’s not them.
Right then Ani stopped with the toy and sat on the floor in her red dress and started to bounce—she really liked to bounce. Here is the next stupid thing I think. If they were her, how cute would that be if they all sat in a little row on the floor in a little red dress, bouncing. That is so stupid. That’s not how it works.
She had a little bunch of hair right in the top of her head. When she bounced, it bounced. It was so cute. I pictured them all with a bunch of hair, bouncing. How bad would that be? If she wasn’t the only one. Of her.
Then I thought, I!
That’s not how it works.
Rauden said so. Ani is gene for gene my living replica. That doesn’t mean she’s me. Or them.
She could be
exactly like me.
But if someone was
exactly like you
but not you, hello? Isn’t that a pretty serious difference? So then they weren’t even exactly like you. But wait.
If the only way for someone to be exactly like you is if they are, does that mean if they’re exactly like me, they are. Me.
I was getting a little dizzy here.
Ani stopped bouncing, got up, went to the toy again, and pulled it on the string.
It’s not like I never been through this before, in Elmhurst. If she’s not me, she could get Mumbai and die. But if she is, that’s even worse—she’s me. And Janet is right, something is really wrong with that.
Now, let me say this. I done a lot of things something is wrong with. It’s pretty much how I stayed alive. And maybe something is wrong with me that I did those wrong things, and maybe that is why the Buffalo couple declined. But I could handle it.
I just didn’t know if Ani could.
And that is one more way to prove, you know. If she’s me, why would I care?
I was getting really dizzy.
She left the toy, lay down, and kicked the rec room wall.
Rauden said and Rini too the child will not be me because of environmental factors. Well back then they thought Rini will be the environmental factor. Now it’s me. Genetic factor, environmental factor. Should I give her back?
Well, that is really going to work. She goes ballistic if I even leave the room. She liked me.
I liked her too.
She stopped kicking the wall now. Her breathing got more slow. Her mouth is open. Her mouth is like, if pink is purple. She has really small teeth. If she is me, she’s going to sell them on the Mound.
I just don’t want her to.
She conked out, and her feet slid down the wall and left a mark. She just lay there on the floor. I got a Beverage. I stretched the loop out from the IV tube so it was long enough to reach the ground and I lay down too. I didn’t kick the wall though. I don’t know what that proves.
It is really rainy.
There is an outage. They get the power back in time. The backup generator pulled us through.
I got unhooked and took Ani out for fresh air. It is raining. We don’t have a parka. Janet says she will catch her death of cold. Give me a break. Ani’s a goddamn Sylvain hardy who is sixteen months old, been exposed to Mumbai, quarantine, who knows what else, and she is goddamn still alive—how hardy is that? And she’s going to die from a cold?
It keeps raining.
There is a problem with g) and i). They are not growing right. Rauden thinks it’s a lining problem—maybe the outage caused some damage. g) and i) could be at risk. He will intervene. He moves g) to an empty section in tank 1. If it works, they are going to move i) too.
It didn’t work.
It also didn’t work to keep i) where she was.
So.
We’re down to four. How hardy is that?
What I’m saying is, they are all gene for gene, you know, but how does that really work? Gene for gene, they are a goddamn Sylvain hardy, all of them. What good did that do i)?
a) isn’t looking so great. It’s October. Remember when the Ani group used to swing on the cords? Some of them swing. a) just hangs there. Then she’s gone.
Ani didn’t notice. She hardly even looks at the viables.
So now I start to think why didn’t she notice? Would I of noticed? I’m pretty sure I would. When I was her age, I was locked inside so much, I would be glad to look at anything. Like, one time Cissy Fardo forgot to lock the basement door, I headed up the steps and Cissy was after me so fast, yelling, “Man! I am going to knock you from here to kingdom come!”
Well, that is a difference right there. She’s not locked inside. I do not yell at her. Still, I worried.
I worried she could be upset they died. I unhooked my arm and took her out more, so she doesn’t have to see them die. We got cold. Janet is at the door calling, “Inez, she will catch her death. Take this for Ani.” She gave me a coat to put on Ani and we run around on the mud road. Janet didn’t bring a coat for me but whatever! It’s one more thing we do not have in common.
And I could intervene about the rest. I could change her environmental factors.
Except me.
But I could goddamn change the rest. I did not pass school? She would. I worked the Mound? Keep her off the Mound. Who knows if it is even still in business, after Mumbai? We would have to have a few things in common, my best points. My best point was, I was alive. Ani was the only one I passed it on to of all the five in her set. So that was a good start right there. She had my best point.
In the new set, the Buffalo viables, only one did in the end.
Six died before October. Two went in November. When it was down to two, the broker came with a crew before Christmas and made an early birth at twenty-five weeks. Rauden gave Ani a shot and put her in our room so she won’t get in the way.
It’s a really different birth, the tanks don’t even rock, they just cut straight through the lining, put the two survivors in a dry tank, Ani wakes up, we have to go to Janet’s and stay there until e) and f) went off to Buffalo in a van. They messaged when they got there. e) was still alive.
Rauden didn’t even get drunk after. He just sat and stared at the empty tanks. Then he stared at Ani, like, of all the ones who could of been the only one that works, why is it her?
For Janet it is probably more like, of all the Parents who would get the only one that works, why is it me?
Myself, I was thinking, if the main thing about me is I am still alive, none of them are me except Ani and e). If e) was still alive.