Chapter 9: Trace
San Diego, CA
After finally making it through security and finding my gate, I sat for a moment to take inventory of my life.
Shit
. What had I just done? Everyone was upset with
me
. Part of me was wishing I had just broken up with Angelina privately instead of publically humiliating her and her family. The whole Hell hath no fury expression came to mind. But, it was too late now. I had let the proverbial cat out of the bag and there was no turning back. How had I ended up like this? Sitting in the airport, about to go on my honeymoon alone because the woman I love had betrayed me.
The woman I love.
Loved
. How do I switch that off? Derrick had looked angry. Angry – at me. What the hell? I’ve lost my best friend. I’ve lost here. Not them.
Why?
Looking at my phone, which I’d avoided since I walked out of the wedding, I had twenty-four text messages. Cringing at the thought of reading them even though I had nothing to feel guilty about, I began going through them. Somehow I did have a twinge of guilt and some of the messages made it worse. Maybe it was the fact I had left my family to clean up the mess. Maybe it was because I had seen hurt in Angelina’s eyes when it dawned on her what was happening. Even though she had hurt me terribly, I didn’t have to strike back. My ego had gotten the better of me. But why should I feel guilty here? She. Screwed. My. Best friend. She screwed my life.
Scrolling through the messages, I had one from Angelina. It simply read, “Sorry.” That’s it.
Sorry
. I had intended to spend the rest of my life with this woman. Share everything I had, including my company¸ and all I got was a
sorry
. No explanation. But what was I truly expecting? She knew my past, about Melissa cheating on me in high school. Obviously, she didn’t care. I had trusted her, making another mistake with a woman who was more like Melissa than I ever thought possible. I needed to break out of this pattern. I couldn’t take this happening again.
Nothing from Derrick. Asshole.
I answered some messages and deleted the rest. My plane was boarding…at last. All I wanted was peace—time to sort things out. I had upgraded our airline tickets to first class as a surprise for my bride. I had planned many surprises for our honeymoon. What a waste. I guess I’d either do them by myself or try to find a couple on their honeymoon to give my prepaid plans to. Perhaps that would be the right thing to do, pay it forward by giving it away.
Taking my seat, the flight attendant offered me champagne and I gladly took it. The seat next to me was empty because it belonged to Angelina. I was grateful for the space and not having to create small talk with some random stranger on the plane. Staring out the window, I wondered what my life would be like if I hadn’t caught them.
A lie. It would be a total fucking lie and I’d be none the wiser.
I said a quick prayer thanking God I knew the truth before I married her. Something I knew saved me a ton of heartache in the future. It was way better to not get married now than to get divorced down the road.
As I was finishing my champagne, the flight attendant came back with a pillow and blanket. I had to admit sleep had evaded me the last couple of nights, so I gladly took them and made myself comfortable. I even took the sleep mask and slippers. She said she would wake me when dinner was being served. The minute I shut out the world by slipping the sleep mask over my eyes I was out. The exhaustion had taken its toll and my body needed to recover.
Waking up with a jarring motion, I broke free of my dream. In it, I was standing before my guests at the wedding completely naked. Not too far off considering what had happened today, airing my dirty laundry for everyone to see. My stomach churned as my mind recapped the ugly events of the last forty-eight hours.
Uncertain of why I was beating myself up, I decided to snap out of it. It may take a while to trust again, but that didn’t mean I had to be lonely. The flight attendant had been smiling at me every chance she got, so maybe I could avoid thinking about the shit storm raging at home and have fun. Just simple, no strings-attached fun.
***
Opening my eyes, I found myself in an empty bed. The first night of my honeymoon and here I was completely alone. A week ago I never could have imagined I’d be here without Angelina.
Son of a bitch. How could she have done this to me?
Swinging my feet toward the floor, I felt the hard wood beneath them. I propped up my head with my hands. I had to stop drinking like this. Drowning my sorrows wasn’t the answer either. Getting up, I made my way to the bathroom. Splashing cold water on my face was harsh at first, but ultimately soothing. I needed to find water and aspirin ASAP. Returning to the bedroom, I fumbled through my luggage. Ah, blessed aspirin. I spotted a bottle of water on the counter and began gulping it down like a dying man in the desert.
I could have been here with the flight attendant and had considered it, but in my heart, it wasn’t right for me. After everything, random sex with some stranger wasn’t going to make me feel any better.
I was alone, wondering what I was going to do with myself on my honeymoon.
Chapter 10: Lindy
Maui
Arriving at the hotel, I knew I needed a nap. Trying to sleep on the plane was useless since I kept thinking about Randy and his invitation to dinner. For seven hours, I vacillated back and forth about whether or not to go out with my husband’s best friend. I wasn’t sure if it would be weird or not. But, I had stayed frozen in time for the last three years, mourning the loss of Dane. This trip was about letting go of him and moving forward in my life. But, in some ways, I had become so comfortable staying stationary. That way, I didn’t have to face reality. I was a widow.
A widow in my twenties
. The thought of it was depressing and I could barely wrap my mind around it some days. Maybe Randy was someone I could move on with. Maybe he would be good for me and I could be good for someone again. He had many qualities I admired. I had just always seen him as my husband’s best friend. Now I’d have to be open to looking at him in a different light. Potentially, a romantic light. No one had ever existed for me in that way but Dane. He was the only man I had ever been with. The only man I’d ever loved.
I had made reservations at the same hotel where Dane and I had honeymooned, Napili Kai. It was a beautiful property on the ocean and I knew exactly where I would go to spread his ashes. Fulfilling his wish meant so much to me. It was bittersweet completing my final task as a wife. As Dane’s wife. He would always be in my heart no matter what. I’d never fully let go of him and I wasn’t sure I had much room for anyone else.
Making my way into my hotel room, I got settled by unpacking my suitcase. Then, I set the alarm so I wouldn’t sleep too long. I wanted to spread Dane’s ashes this afternoon if I could. The moment my head hit the pillow, I was out.
“Time to wake up, Mrs. Bernard,” I heard him say. “It’s your birthday and I have surprises for you.” Dane gently caressed my arm until I opened my eyes. He had a tray sitting on the bed with coffee, orange juice, a covered plate, and a rose in a vase. Very romantic.
“I thought you’d like to start your day off with breakfast in bed.”
“Mm. Sounds good. What am I having?”
“I made eggs and pancakes just the way you like them.”
Sitting up, I readied myself for Dane to put the tray in my lap. He had placed his own tray on the nightstand next to him. We ate our breakfast and talked about how he got me through my first birthday at the foster home.
“I was so sad that first birthday without my parents, but you managed to cheer me up.”
“The batting cages always helped me. I figured you’d like them, too,” he said, lifting my hand to his lips and kissing it.
“You were right,” I said, leaning over to kiss my husband’s lips. “You always know exactly what I need.”
“It’s my job as your soul mate to see into your heart and do whatever it takes to make you happy. I’ll always do my best to make you happy no matter what.”
“I know, baby. You are the best husband a girl could have.”
The alarm going off abruptly ended my dream. I hated it when that happened. I wanted my dream to last forever, to stay in a cozy bed eating pancakes with my husband, reminiscing about our life together, making love. But that wasn’t possible. It always went too quickly and I never had the chance to tell him how much I missed him.
Getting dressed, I felt a pang in my stomach. It was a mixture of nerves and fear. What if I couldn’t let go? What if I didn’t want to? I knew Dane had wanted me to move on and have love in my life. He had made it clear before he died. So, by moving on, I was beginning again. That scared me more than I had realized before I found myself alone in Maui about to spread my husband’s ashes. What would Dane tell me right now? He’d say to have faith that everything was going to work out the way it should. With that in mind, I grabbed the urn and made my way to the rocks so I could do what I came to do.
It was late afternoon, but the sun was still shining, caressing my face with its warmth. Dane would have loved it. He just seemed at home near the ocean. I wish we could have come back before he became ill.
Carefully, I made my way out on the rock formation, the breeze from the ocean sweeping my hair off my shoulders. I found a rock I could sit on for a moment to talk to my husband for the last time and to say a prayer. I’d been thinking about what I wanted to say for quite some time. In a way, it seemed right that I was doing this alone, just Dane and me. Our final act together. Tears welled up knowing this was it.
The urn would be empty and so would I.
In some ways, having it had been a security for me. The ashes meant I still had my husband. It also meant I still had a reason to keep things exactly the way they were. All of that was about to change in a few short minutes.
Chapter 11: Trace
Maui
Deciding to get some fresh air, I headed toward the path along the ocean. The pain in my head had subsided and the ocean gave me an escape from the craziness I was going through. I wasn’t sure if it was the hypnotic motion of the waves or the calming sound they made crashing against the rocks. Maybe it was something else, but the ocean had a way of clearing my head.
I couldn’t help but notice a beautiful woman with long, golden hair sitting on the rocks, gazing into the horizon. On a rock next to her sat an
urn
. My heart sank in my chest. She was so young and I wondered who she’d lost. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so bad about my own life. Someone she loved was gone forever and she was here alone to say goodbye. Her trembling lip told me how sad and broken she must feel. I couldn’t imagine doing something like this alone. Didn’t she have any family? Or friends?
The need to hear what she was saying drew me to her, so I edged closer, but she didn’t see me in her peripheral vision. At least she didn’t look over in my direction. Why would she? She was lost in her own thoughts…grief. Tears streamed down her angelic face. I wanted to wipe them away and comfort her, but I kept myself at bay.
“How do I say goodbye to you, Dane? You’re the only one who has loved me, taken care of me, protected me. When you died, part of me died too. Part of my soul went with you and I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back. I love you so much and I always will.”
Her words were gut-wrenching and I assumed she was talking about a man she had been in love with. I wanted a woman to love me like that. I thought I had found it with Angelina, but she’d never seemed as sincere as this woman before me. An overwhelming force took over and my heart began racing. I wanted to sit next to her, wrap my arms around her, and tell her everything was going to be okay. She wasn’t alone.
Her shoulders slightly shook as more tears raced down her cheeks. She continued pouring her heart out. “This just isn’t fair. You were too young to die. We had so much life to live together. So many things to do. Some days, I don’t know how I live without you. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.” Then she bowed her head. I found myself bowing so I could pray silently for her.
“Dear Heavenly Father. Thank you so much for the gift of my husband Dane. You brought him into my life at just the right moment and used him to bless me more than I ever thought possible. I’m grateful that You love me so much to have given me such an amazing man. I commit Dane to You, knowing he is with You in Heaven. Please help me to move on in my life and have a life that You deem worthy. I love you, Lord, and want to honor You all the days of my life. Amen.”
Listening to her words made me choke up. I’d gone to church with my family when I was a kid. But now I basically went at Christmas and Easter for my mom. Her prayer was so heartfelt, so honest. Was this beauty for real? Not only did she look like an angel, she had a genuine heart filled with love. She was a rare find. Other than my mom and sisters, I couldn’t remember ever knowing someone like her, a woman with such great faith.
She stood up with the urn in her trembling hands, removed the cover, moved to the edge of the rocks, and began tossing her husband’s ashes into the ocean. The wind had picked up and I could see her struggling with the metal container. Her next movement was about to become her undoing as her foot slipped and I began watching in slow motion as her body was falling. Reacting quickly, I rushed to her, grabbing her hand, causing the urn to fall into the ocean. Instantly, she was in my arms, as I pulled her into my body to help ground her feet. Her crystal blue eyes met mine and we just took each other in for a moment.
I couldn’t break away from the gaze of her eyes and I wanted nothing more than to crush my mouth to hers, kissing her like she deserved. A long, slow, wet kiss that would make her melt into me. Her juicy lips were beckoning me to them. Knowing that acting on impulse would probably get me slapped, I opted to use my mouth for talking instead.
“Are you okay?”
“I think so. How did you catch me? I thought I was falling in for sure.”
“I was nearby and saw you lose your footing. I guess I have fast reflexes.”
She looked around at the rocks below and the ocean lapping at them. “It’s gone,” she said, her voice cracking.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I couldn’t grab both you and the urn.”
Looking back up at me she said, “Maybe it’s all for the best. Obviously, I wasn’t meant to keep it.” I could see the sadness well up in her baby blues.
I tucked some strands of hair behind her ear. “You’re really brave. Letting go is very hard to do.”
She smiled slightly and tilted her head. Searching my eyes, she just kept staring at me. Lost. She was lost and I wanted to save her.
“Thank you for catching me,” she said, her eyes still piercing mine. I couldn’t stop looking at her beautiful face.
“I’m just glad I got to you in time. The water is looking pretty rough right now.”
My arms were still around her and then it dawned on me that her arms were around my body too. Keeping her in my arms was all I wanted to do. This felt right…natural. How was this possible?
“Looks like you saved me. How am I ever going to repay you?”
“Have dinner with me tonight and we’ll consider it payment in full.”
She looked down for a brief moment, clearly contemplating my invitation. Maybe I was being too forward, but I didn’t care. How else was I going to see her again?
“Okay,” she said hesitantly. “My name is Lindy Bernard, by the way.”
“I’m Trace. Trace Michaels. I’ll make reservations for us at The Sea House.”
“Sounds perfect. How about seven?”
“Seven works.”
“Okay, well, I’ll see you then. Thanks again for catching me,” she said letting go of my arms.
Feeling the heat of her body leaving mine, I instantly wanted her close to me again. Sadly, I had to let go of her now. “Glad I could be of service. I’ll be waiting for you at seven.”
We each smiled and Lindy began making her way back to the path. I watched her walk away and said my own prayer to God that she would show up at the restaurant. It surprised me how much I wanted her to show. My heart was still hurt about losing my fiancée, but strangely, Lindy’s gentleness felt like…a balm. I needed her to have dinner with me. Her absence had already gripped my heart and I didn’t want to wait hours to see her again. But I had no choice.
Heading back to my hotel room, I called my sister Kristie. We told each other everything and I hadn’t spoken with her since the wedding, only texted.
“Kristie, it’s me,” I said when I heard her voice on the line.
“Oh, Trace. We’re all so worried about you. Are you all right?”
“I was pretty messed up, but I’m better now. What happened after I left?”
“With both you and Angelina gone the guests cleared out pretty quickly. But everyone was shocked to say the least. You sure created a major crisis.”
“I know. I’m sorry for not warning you. I thought you’d try to talk me out of it.”
“I might have tried. I don’t know. What they did was pretty despicable. How did you get the video footage?”
“I took it myself when I found them in bed together. I was outside—”
“Oh my God. That’s terrible. You deserve so much better than her. Is she still going to be working at your company? Tell me you fired her.” Would they really want to work with me? Surely everyone in the company would find out what they had done.
“I think Derrick would just hire her back.”
“How are you going to work with them every day after all of this?”
“I have no idea. The whole thing is completely fucked up.”
“It’s beyond fucked up. Way beyond. I hope you can just relax now that you’re in Maui.”
“That’s the plan. Listen, this probably will sound crazy, but I met someone today.”
“What? How?”
“I know, it just happened. I saved her from falling off the rocks into the ocean. She was laying her husband’s ashes to rest.”
“Oh my God, Trace. That’s awful. I mean, I’m glad you saved her, but it’s horrible her husband died.”
“I know. It gave me some perspective. Things could always be worse. We’re having dinner tonight.”
“I know you’re a grown man, but just take things slow. You just had your heart shattered.”
Shattered. That was exactly how I felt. “I’ll keep that in mind,” I said, deciding to keep my feelings toward Lindy to myself. Kristie would think I was on the rebound and I didn’t want to get into it with her.
“I hope you have fun and keep me posted.”
“I will. Love you. Gotta go.”
“Love you too.”
With that, our conversation ended.
I couldn’t get the image of Lindy out of my mind. Her long golden hair waving in the breeze. The black halter dress, which showed off her form, but was also appropriate for a memorial service. When I grabbed her to stop her from falling in, the feel of her body against mine had done something to me. I had a need to protect her. A desire to know her.
It was the strangest thing that had ever happened to me. I hadn’t felt overpowered with emotion like this when I’d met Angelina. It wasn’t just physical attraction. Somehow, it was more than I had felt for a woman, even though I loved Angelina. Something about Lindy just got to me.
My heart had gone out to her and when she walked away, she somehow took my heart with her. I couldn’t wait to see her. I wanted to know everything about her. I had no idea how I was going to wait until seven to be with her. But I had no choice. I’d only gotten her name.
Lindy Bernard.
I had no idea where she was staying or if she would actually show up. Please, God have her show up. I had given Angelina two years of my heart, yet it had never felt full. Two minutes with Lindy and my heart had felt…attached. Surreal.