The Nothingness of Ben (2 page)

Ben leaned over to Quentin.

“Where’s he going?”

“Chillax, big brother. He’s just saying hi to a friend.”

Ben watched as Cade walked up to the redhead and put his hand out. The young man took it and allowed himself to be led over to where they were standing. He looked like a waiter in work boots, black polyester pants, and a white short-sleeved shirt. The mild Texas weather meant no jacket was necessary during the day. The redhead tried to smile, and Ben forced a grin in return. He looked over at Quentin for an explanation, but Quentin ignored him and kept his gaze fixed on Father Davenport instead.

When the graveside service ended, Ben reached over and offered his hand, introducing himself.

“I’m Ben Walsh.”

The young man turned and shook Ben’s hand. “Travis Atwood,” he replied with a slow Texas drawl. “Sorry, didn’t mean to butt in or nothing. I been trying to keep my distance. Give y’all some space.”

“Who are you?” Ben asked, sounding more confrontational than he intended.

“Jesus, Ben,” Quentin grumbled.

“It’s okay, Q. He don’t know me from Adam. He’s just being protective.”

“Wow,” Quentin said. “You know less about him than he knows about you.”

“I’m a neighbor,” Travis explained. “I live across the street. Rent a room from old Mrs. Wright. Your family’s been real kind to me.”

Sounds like Dad
, Ben thought.
Always taking in strays.

“I see.”

“Doubt that,” Quentin muttered under his breath as they began walking back to the car, Cade dragging Travis along.

“Travis is riding back with us,” Cade declared.

Ben looked at Travis, trying to signal his concern. Travis stopped and placed Cade in front of him, both hands firmly on his shoulders. He squatted down so that he was face to face with the boy. Ben looked around. As people left, several of them had one eye on the situation with Travis and Cade.

“Look, little man. I got my truck here so I’m fixin’ to drive home on my own. But I’m coming back to the house, so I’ll be seeing you in ten minutes, tops. Cross my heart.”

Ben waited a beat before reaching out his hand to move Cade along. He didn’t want to make a scene.

“Let go of me,” Cade resisted.

“Cade, not now.”

“Yes! Now. What happened? I don’t understand how it happened?”

Sadness overwhelmed the youngest Walsh brother and he began to cry. Not the loud, wailing tears of a child, but the muffled sobs of a young boy not at all prepared to grasp the extent of his loss.

“Cade,” Ben snapped, “we are not doing this here. Let’s get back to the car. I’ve had it.”

Jason stood silently, staring wide-eyed in surprise at Ben’s callous reaction. Quentin shook his head as if he wasn’t surprised at all.

“Jesus, big brother. On just this one day, could you not be such a dick? One day, dude. That’s all we’re asking for.”

Quentin squatted down and took Cade into his arms. Ben could see Julie a few feet away, poised to step in if he didn’t handle this quickly. He took a deep breath. They obviously had a problem here, he and Quentin, or maybe he and all three of them. But he would have to hash that out another time.
Path of least resistance
, he told himself.

“Travis, would you ride with us? Please. I’ll bring you back later to pick up your truck, if it’s not too much to ask. I know I haven’t been around and I don’t know why you matter so much, but clearly you do so… please, stay. With Cade.”

Travis stood up and smiled at Ben.

“I’d be happy to, sir.”

Ben laughed—for the first time since he got the phone call. He’d thought it might be months before he even smiled again. His brothers laughed with him, even Cade.

“Did you just call me
sir
?”

“Yes, sir… I mean, Ben. I called your father sir and you just… I don’t know. Seem like the sir type to me.”

“The sir type? I’m twenty-seven years old.”

“Oh,” said Travis, obviously surprised. “Geez, I didn’t realize we’re the same age. You were born in ’83 too? You come off as much older than twenty-seven.”

“It’s that stick up his ass,” Quentin whispered to Travis while he dug into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He smiled as he read a text. He brushed a lock of hair out of his eyes and furiously tapped away on the glass screen in response. Ben had to pause and take another deep breath. He could get into it with Quentin later.

“Shall we head back to the car?” Ben directed as he put his arm around Jason. “Cade, Travis is coming with us now, so let’s start walking, okay?”

Cade didn’t answer but allowed himself to be led away, sandwiched between Travis and Quentin. Julie and the rest of the crowd relaxed and continued toward their cars. They rode back to the house in silence, Ben and Travis across the seat from each other. Travis looked out the window with Cade’s hand resting firmly in the palm of his own.
Handsome
, Ben thought, looking at Travis.
Really handsome
. Travis looked at him and lifted one corner of his mouth in a half smile. He had gray eyes and strawberry lashes, with about ten freckles down the front of his nose. Ben didn’t consider himself tall at five eleven, but Travis was short, no taller than five seven. He always had liked shorter men. Ben looked down and saw dirt under Travis’s fingernails. Or was it grease?

When they got back to the house, visitors packed the living and dining rooms. Piles of food covered every available surface in the kitchen. Ben spent the next few hours listening to stories and trying to keep an eye on his brothers, which Travis made easier. They spent the entire afternoon quietly hanging out and talking with him. At around sunset, the guests began to leave, and by seven, only the Walsh boys, Travis, and Julie remained in the house.

“I sent Robert back to Dallas with the girls,” she said, referring to her husband and two children. Julie had wrapped all the various food items and packed them away into the fridge. “If it’s okay with you, I’m going to stay until Monday. We have an appointment with the lawyer to go over the will. Of course, I could get a motel room, but we do need to have a discussion about… you know….”

Ben cut her off.

“Please, Julie. You’re more than welcome to stay until Monday. Right now, though, I need to drive Travis back to his truck. He left it at the cemetery.”

“That’s fine, I’ll stay here with the boys.”

“Thanks. For everything.”

“You’re welcome, Ben.” She forced a thin smile onto her face.

Ben grabbed the spare set of keys to his mom’s SUV from the Peg-Board next to the fridge as he and Travis headed out to the porch. When they got to the driveway, he looked around. Of course. They had been driving the SUV during the accident.

“Shit,” he said, shaking his head. “I grabbed the wrong keys. Give me one second.”

He ducked back into the house and exchanged the keys for those to his father’s truck. They buckled in and headed out to the cemetery. They drove in silence for awhile until finally Ben broke the ice.

“Sorry about earlier. I wasn’t trying to be rude or anything. I’ve been out of touch these past few years.”

“No worries. I get it. I’d wonder who the hell I was too, if I were you. But I ain’t no cause for alarm. I moved into Mrs. Wright’s place about six months ago.”

“The garage apartment?”

“Nu-uh, I rent a room in her house. It’s cheap and I think she likes having someone around. I met your father when I was taking out the trash one Thursday. He’s a naturally friendly man.”

“Yeah. I’m well aware.”

“We struck up a conversation at the curb….”

“He invited you over for dinner… I know the drill.”

“Yep. I spent a good amount of time in that house the past few months. They kind of took me in… like one of their own.”

“I’ve seen it many times. They have….” Ben caught his verb tense. “Sorry. They had big hearts. My father always seemed to give the best part of himself to his students. The entire time growing up, I watched him take in one after another. It would have been nice if he had taken me under his wing like that once in a while.”

“Doubt you needed it.”

“Excuse me?”

“Look at you. You’re Mr. Successful. Big hotshot lawyer from New York City. I reckon your dad did everything right.”

They were stopped at a red light, so Ben had the chance to look over at him.

“Do you talk to everybody this way?”

“I don’t talk to nobody no way. My daddy left when I was fifteen and my mama moved me all around Texas, chasing one boyfriend or another ’til she died from too much wine-in-a-box. I been on my own ever since with particularly no family whatsoever. So it’s all relative, Obi-Wan. You want to whine about your shitty parents, go ahead on. I’ll be sitting right here when you’re finished.”

There was a long pause.

“I didn’t say
shitty
.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to go off on you like that. I don’t know what’s got me all fired up. It was strange seeing you with ’em today. I’m used to thinking of your brothers as the three musketeers. But you’re like the missing fourth musketeer. What happened, anyway?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why the ten-year break between you and Quentin?”

“I was kind of a mistake,” Ben explained.

“That don’t sound like your mama.”

“Nothing like that. They were married, just planning to wait on the kids. But the rhythm method failed, so maybe
surprise
is a better word. My mom went on the pill after I was born and then waited ten years to pop out Quentin, Jason, and Cade. Did my dad tell you he named us after the siblings in one of his favorite books?”

“
The
Sound and the Fury
, right?”

“That’s the one. He loved his Southern gothic.”

“Yeah, he gave me a copy. I couldn’t get past the first page. Didn’t make no sense to me.”

Travis fell silent.

“Cade seems very attached to you,” Ben said as he checked the rearview mirror.

“I reckon he is. That okay?”

“I guess. More an observation, really.”

“We like a lot of the same things. Did you know he plays football and baseball?”

“No. I didn’t know that.”

“Yep. He’s gonna be too small for college football—but baseball, well, that’s a horse of a different color, if you know what I mean. He’s got great instincts on the diamond.”

More silence.

“What’s gonna happen now?” Travis asked. “With them, I mean.”

“I don’t know. It’s been so crazy the past two days I haven’t had time to think about it.”

“Whatever you do, don’t split them up. They can survive anything as long as they’re together.”

“I never talked to my parents about it. I mean, who does? Whatever they wanted, it’ll be in their will, so we’ll find out on Monday. Unfortunately, I know nothing about custody and estate law in Texas.”

Someone cut Ben off and he honked his horn.

“Asshole. There are some terrible drivers in this town.”

“Yep,” said Travis, “I know.”

“So—what are you studying?”

Travis looked over at Ben, silent and confused.

“You’re a student, right?” Ben clarified. “I mean, you live in the neighborhood and my dad always took in UT students.”

“No.”

Ben raised his eyebrows, surprised. “Oh. Okay.”

Travis looked out the window as he answered. “I’m a mechanic at Groovy Automotive. I fix cars for a living.”

So it was grease.

“Sorry, I just assumed that… never mind. Well, you obviously know what I do for a living.”

“Yep. Your daddy talked about you a lot. He was real proud. Columbia and all. I’ve even seen baby pictures.”

“Please tell me you’re kidding.”

Travis smiled and turned his head. “You know your pops. I ain’t kidding.”

They stopped at another light. Ben looked over and saw Travis rubbing his thumbs against his fingers. “Your hands cold?” he asked, reaching across the seat to the glove compartment and unintentionally brushing against Travis’s knee as he went. Travis jumped as if Ben had shocked him with a battery cable. Ben looked up at him. “Didn’t mean to scare you. I was just getting you some gloves.” He pulled a knit pair out of the compartment and handed them to Travis.

“No worries.” Travis took the gloves but didn’t put them on. The light changed and Ben continued driving toward the cemetery. “So—did you leave a girlfriend back in New York City?”

Ben paused while he waited for the oncoming traffic to file past, leaving him free to make a left-hand turn.

“My father never mentioned that I’m gay?”

He glanced over, but Travis didn’t look particularly awkward.

“Nu-uh, he surely never did. Mention it, I mean.”

“Classic denial,” Ben said, shaking his head.

“But in that case, did you leave a boyfriend behind?”

Ben laughed. “I don’t know.” And that was an honest answer. He hadn’t talked to David since he phoned him from the airport. “I was dating someone but it wasn’t serious. My future is a bit up in the air right now. What about you? Do you have a girlfriend?”

Travis grinned. “Now just how do you know I don’t have a boyfriend? I could be one of those metrosexuals Jason’s told me about.”

“Well, do you?”

Travis’s grin got wider and he shook his head. “Nah, I’m just messing with you. I been going out with a girl I met a few months back. Nothing serious, I reckon, though doubt she sees it that way. You never know with women. They are, as my mama’s last boyfriend used to say, mysterious creatures.”

“What’s her name?”

“My mama?”

Ben laughed. “No, your girlfriend.”

“Oh. Trisha. One of the boys at the shop, Topher, hooked me up with her. She’s a nice girl. Quite a looker too. I like regular, dependable sex. And in case you haven’t heard, it’s a lot harder for a straight man to get laid than a gay one.”

“Sounds like a cliché to me,” Ben protested. “Besides, I find it hard to believe you have a difficult time getting laid.”

“As I was saying,” continued Travis, ignoring Ben’s compliment, “regular and dependable. That’s what I like. You don’t get that standing around some dive on
Sixth Street looking for another one-night stand. The clock has run out on that game for me and my days of making lemonade are over.”