The No Cry Discipline Solution (11 page)

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The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline

Father-Speak

“ We have an old Irish saying that I use when one of my girls is

hollering or fussing: ‘You’ll be better before you’re married.’

It doesn’t offer much comfort to the child, of course, but

it does help the grown-ups! All these little trials will pass

and someday be forgotten. It’s a philosophy that puts the

end goal in perspective. The point is getting them safely and

sanely to adulthood.”

—Raymond, father to Elena, age 4, and Eva, age 2

behavior in a way that can allow you to gently discipline in the

context of the true meaning of the word: to teach and to lead.

The next time your child misbehaves by having a temper tan-

trum, hitting a friend, or yelling at you—instead of looking at

him and thinking
What a brat!
, you can instead think,
Whoa.

This child is seriously lacking emotional control.
You can step back, calm down, and understand that it’s not a lack of parenting skills

and it’s not a defect in your child’s personality, it’s just ordinary

human growth.

The Most Important Concept to Remember

Your child doesn’t whine, fuss, and have temper tantrums because

she is trying to manipulate you. She isn’t purposely being “bad.”

She doesn’t misbehave just to make you angry. Your child’s mis-

behaviors are a direct result of the fact that she cannot control

her emotions. This is biologically, psychologically, and absolutely

normal.

Discipline and Emotional Control

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Key Point

\A child is emotion in motion—untamed emotion in constant

motion. Only with maturity and experience will a child

develop the tools that bring emotional control.

If you can keep this one vital fact in the forefront of your mind,

I guarantee that the next eighteen or so years will be much happier

and immeasurably more peaceful for you. It will also give you the

presence of mind to help your child learn how to develop appropri-

ate emotional control.

The Four Parts

to Discipline

Discipline is a very complicated and complex matter. We want

to enjoy our children, we don’t want to stress about the little

things, and we want to be forgiving to our children and ourselves.

However, there are many, many things we must get our children

to do or stop from doing. There are lots of daily tasks that must be

completed. And children don’t always listen, they don’t always do

the things we want them to do, and they have a limited amount

of knowledge and emotional control. As I see it, there are four

distinct parts to the purpose and goal of discipline.

1. To correct immediate behavior

2. To teach a lesson

3. To give tools that build self-discipline and emotional control

4. To build the parent/child relationship

Let’s examine how these parts apply to a few typical situations

so that you can begin to understand how these four purposes color

almost every discipline situation with your child.

Situation: Your child is having a temper tantrum in a store because

you won’t buy a new toy.

1.

Correct immediate behavior.
Take your child to a restroom

or unpopulated corner of the store. Wait for your child to

stop the tantrum.

2.

Teach a lesson.
You can’t have everything you want. You

need to express your emotions appropriately.

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The Four Parts to Discipline

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3.

Give tools to build self-discipline and emotional control.

Help your child write a list of toys that she wants but can’t

have right now.

4.

Build the relationship.
Demonstrate leadership, understand-

ing, and patience.

Situation: Your two children are squabbling over a toy.

1.

Correct immediate behavior.
Put the toy on the counter

while you get your children to stop tussling and pay atten-

tion to you.

2.

Teach a lesson.
Children need to learn how to share toys

and take turns.

3.

Give tools to build self-discipline and emotional control.

Help children by setting a timer so each can have a fi ve-

minute turn playing with the toy. Show them how to do this

in the future without your help.

4.

Build the relationship.
Show them how to play together and

how to settle disputes. Show them that they can look to you

for help in handling problems.

Situation: Your child is upset with a playmate and bites her on the

arm.

1.

Correct immediate behavior.
Separate the children. Provide

attention and care to the child who was bitten.

2.

Teach a lesson.
Get down to your child’s level, put your

hands on her shoulders, look her in the eye, and say, “Biting

hurts. We don’t bite. Offer Emmy a hug. That might make

her feel better.”

3.

Give tools to build self-discipline and emotional control.

Give your child a few hints on how she should handle her

frustration next time. “If you want a toy, you can ask nicely

for it or you can come to Mommy for help.”

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The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline

4.

Build the relationship.
Show your child that you are on

her side even when she makes mistakes. Demonstrate that

she can count on you to teach her how to handle strong

emotions.

Discipline Is Not a One-Time Maneuver

You say you’ve tried to get your little one to put his toys away, but

he never does. You’re after your daughter constantly not to whine,

yet that screechy voice continues. You repeatedly attempt to get

your two children to share their toys
nicely
, yet it seems that daily you’re refereeing an argument. No matter what you do, the same

issues keep coming up over and over again.

Arianna, age 2