Authors: Ashley Little
sixteen
I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing. Warm, white sunlight flooded my room. I sat up in bed and strained to hear what Dad was saying. All I could make out was the low rumble of his voice, but something about it made me feel anxious.
After a few minutes there was a knock at my door.
“Yeah?”
Dad pushed the door open and stood on one leg in the doorway, supported by his crutches. “Your mother is in the hospital.”
“What?”
“There was an accident at the farm. One of the cows kicked her in the head.”
I laughed. “Really?”
“She has a very serious concussion, Tamar. She couldn't even remember her last name until this morning.”
“Holy cow.”
“Not funny.”
“Sorry.”
“We have to go to Stellar's Island General Hospital and pick her up.”
“Okay. Let's go.”
“I can't drive.” He gestured to his broken leg.
“Oh yeah. Neither can I.”
“I know.”
“Soâ¦how are we going to pick her up?”
“You tell me.”
“What about Roy?” I said. My heart leaped into my throat.
“Your boyfriend?”
“Dad, I don't haveâ”
“That Chinese kid.”
“He's half Chinese, half white.”
“Does he have his license?”
“Yeah, of course, but⦔
“But what?”
“I don't know. It's just that it's so far and⦔
“Tamar.”
“Yeah?”
“That's what friends are for.”
I nodded and swallowed. “Okay.”
“You ask him first and then I'll talk it over with his parents.”
I pulled on jeans and a T-shirt and went to the kitchen to call Roy. He answered, sounding sleepy. It was eight thirty in the morning. We were on the road by ten o'clock
I propped Dad up in the back of the Tercel with blankets and pillows, his legs stretched across the backseat. He got carsick if he wasn't the one driving, so he took a couple of Gravols before we left and was sound asleep by the time we merged onto Sarcee Trail.
“Thank you so much for helping us out, Roy,” I said. “This isâ”
“It's no problem.” Roy flicked his turn signal and changed lanes to pass a semi. “It'll be fun.” He smiled.
“You're the best.”
His hand left the steering wheel and closed over mine.
When we stopped in Banff for gas, I got a bag of licorice allsorts, just like old times. I knew Dad would appreciate them when he woke up. Roy and I drank strong coffee and cranked up the classic rock station. We sang along with The Doors, Neil Young, Pink Floyd and Creedence Clearwater Revival all the way through the Rockies.
“Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong decade.” I sighed, gazing out the window at the massive, cloud-capped mountain peaks.
“What do you mean?”
“Most of the time I feel like I don't belong here. I don't understand pop culture, fashion trends, current music, nothing.”
“Well, today's music sucks, so you're not missing much.”
I laughed. “Yeah?”
“Seriously, our generation is experiencing a devastating drought in quality music. The music of today is not art. It's advertising. Its purpose is to sell us crap we don't need.”
“Look at that!” I pointed to a steep blue mountain cliff where a bighorn sheep teetered precariously, nibbling at a tuft of grass. “It's going to fall!”
“No, I don't think so,” said Roy. “They're experts at that sort of thing.” Then he braked hard, and my collarbone strained against the seatbelt. A mama black bear and her cub lumbered across the highway. The mom was huge, but I could have picked the cub up and cuddled him in my arms. The man in the car behind us got out and started snapping photos. The adult bear stood up on her hind legs, raised her snout in the air and began to move toward our car.
“Yikes.” I rolled up my window.
Roy honked the horn, once, twice, three times. The bear was still approaching. She ambled right up to my side of the car, her beady black eyes boring into mine. She pressed her huge nose against the glass.
“Roy⦔
Then Roy laid on the horn for a good ten or fifteen seconds, and the bear dropped back down to all fours and led her cub safely across the road.
Dad chuckled from the backseat. “That was a close one.”
My heart was pounding as we pulled away, but the tourist behind us was still taking pictures, oblivious to any danger.
We were all quiet until we passed the intense aqua-marine of Lac des Arcs.
“It's hard to believe colors like that even exist,” I said.
“Everything exists,” said Roy.
“I don't know about that,” I said.
“Yep.”
“What about a three-horned unicorn?”
“Well, it exists in your imagination, doesn't it?”
“I guess so.”
“Then it exists.”
“What about a parallel universe?”
“For sure.”
“You really think so?”
“Oh yeah.”
I checked the backseat to see what Dad thought of all this, but he had dozed off again. “Will you be taking a philosophy class at UBC?”
“Yeah, I want to. If I have room for an elective.”
“Then you'll have to tell me what they say about your theory of total existence.”
“I will,” he said, nodding. “I definitely will.”
“Maybe there's an alternate me living in a parallel universe right now with all of my hair.”
“Maybe.”
I reached under my dragon scarf and touched my bare scalp. A pang of sadness shot through me. I missed running my fingers through my hair. Smoothing down flyaways. Twisting strands around my finger while I daydreamed. I missed my hair. I really did.
“What do you think you would be doing right now if you had hair? How would your life be any different?” Roy said.
I looked over at him. His outline wavered as my vision became blurry. “You have no idea what this is like for me, Roy. So just don't evenâ”
“Look, all I'm saying is that you're still you. You're still Tamar Robinson. There's nothing you could have done before that you can't do now.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“Okay, what could you have done with hair that you can't do now?”
“I could have been⦔
“What?”
“I could have been popular, okay? I could have been someone that people thought wasâ¦wasâ¦pretty. Someone worth knowing. Now I'm just a hairless freak show.”
“Tamar, listen to me. It's not up to other people. It's up to you. You get to decide how you feel about being bald, and then other people will act accordingly. If you want to sulk around about it, then yeah, maybe people will feel sorry for you or whatever, but you also have the chance to really wear it well, to really
work it, girl
!” He snapped his fingers and waggled his head.
I giggled.
“It's sort of like the glass.”
“What glass?”
“That glass that can be half empty or half full.”
“I don't see how it's anything like that glass.”
“Well, think about it this way. Have you lost a part of yourselfâ”
“Yes, yes I have.”
“
Or,
have you gained an opportunity to redefine yourselfâyou know, revamp your image?”
“Have you been watching
Oprah
with your mom again?”
“So?”
“Jeez, Roy.” I rolled my eyes.
“Well, it's up to you.”
“Yeah, it is.”
“Go ahead and wallow in your own swamp of self-pity.”
“Iâ”
“
Or
you can simply accept it for what it is and let the real you,”âhe poked me on the shoulderâ“the
real
beautiful you deep inside shine out.”
I turned away from Roy to stare out the window, letting his words sink into me. The sun burst out from behind the clouds and blinded us for a second. Roy put his visor down and so did I.
We didn't speak again until we were in British Columbia.
Dad had to pee, so we pulled in to a truck stop in a town called Golden. We sat down in a sticky green booth and ordered club sandwiches, French fries and Cokes. The bleached-blond waitress scratched her head with her pen. It seemed like she had lived a hundred lives before this one, all of them less than satisfactory. I watched through the grease-smeared window as the truckers pulled in and out. I wondered what it would be like to drive back and forth across the country, not calling anywhere your home.
By the time we hit Revelstoke, I had decided I liked BC better than Alberta. It was so green, so luscious, so beautiful. As we drove over the bridge, the river below glittered sapphire, and I longed to jump over the concrete rail into its clear, clean coldness, even though I knew it would freeze every cell in my body.
My dad was wide awake now and thought it would be a good idea to play car trivia, something my sisters and I used to despise on family road trips.
“Who was Canada's first female prime minister?”
“Kim Campbell,” Roy said. “Too easy.”
“Okay, Tamar. What is the capital of Nunavut?”
“Um, it starts with an
I
.”
“That is an insufficient answer.”
“Iqaluit,” Roy said.
“Very good, Roy. Next question is for Tamar. Tamar, what is Laura Secord famous for?”
“Chocolate.”
“Try again.”
“Ice cream.”
“Think historically.”
I rolled my eyes. I hated car trivia.
“Laura Secord was a spy,” Roy said.
“Getting warmer.”
“She warned the British of the Americans' plan to attack Canada in the War of
1812
, and because of her the British won the war,” Roy said.
“That's right! Okay, when did Alberta officially become a Canadian province?”
“
1900
,” Roy said.
“Nope.”
“Who cares?” I said.
“Tamar, I thought you liked car trivia.”
“No, actually I don't. I hate car trivia. I've never liked it and I never want to play it again as long as I live.”
“Oh,” my dad said, deflated. “I didn't realize you felt that way.”
“I kind of like it,” Roy mumbled.
I shot him a mean look.
Roy focused on the road, his dark eyebrows knit together in concentration. My dad adjusted the pillow behind him and gazed out the back window, his blue-gray eyes clouded over withâ¦somethingâsuffering, maybe.
I rolled down the window, letting a blast of cold air rush through and flush out the stale air in the car.
“Do you have any water up there?”
I tossed a water bottle into the backseat. I watched in the rearview mirror as Dad popped another Gravol and washed it down with a swig of water, then leaned his head against the car door and closed his eyes.
We passed mountains and trees and birds and cars and trucks and restaurants and gas stations and motels and casinos and more trees and more trees and more trees. I let the kilometers wash over me, the
rush-rush
sound of the road filling my head. I missed my sisters. I missed my mother. I missed my life the way it used to be, when I still had hair and my whole family was alive and well.
The evening sky was a magenta banner over Shuswap Lake as we drove past a place called Blind Bay. The rolling
hills were golden pink, and the setting sun reflecting off the water turned the lake into liquid fire. Dad was asleep again and Roy was scanning the radio stations. The only one coming in clearly had a preacher going on about an afterlife of eternal damnation. I snapped it off.
“So⦔ Roy said.
“So?”
“You hungry?”
“Nope.”
“Thirsty?”
“No.”
“I need to stop for gas pretty soon.”
“Okay.”
“We'll stop in Kamloops.”
“Fine.”
“What do you think they call people from Kamloops?”
“I don't know. Kamloopians?”
“What do you think they call people from Kamloops who work in orchards?”
“No idea.”
“Fruit loops!” He laughed and slapped the steering wheel with glee.
“Did you just make that up?”
“Yeah!”
I snickered. “You're such a geek.”
“I know, but it suits me, don't you think?”
“Yeah, I do.” I reached over and rubbed my hand over his soft black hair. I let it linger at his hairline and gave his neck a few gentle squeezes. Then I folded my hands in my lap.
A pale crescent moon popped out between the low mountains. My dad snored quietly in the backseat, his mouth hanging slightly open. I pushed my seat back and let my eyes rest for a few minutes.
When I opened them again, the car was stopped and Roy was gone. A fierce panic rose up in me, but I forced it down. As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I saw that we were parked at a gas station. Dad was sleeping soundly, so I let him be and went inside, locking the car doors behind me. A grizzled man with a gray beard stood behind the till, and he eyed me up and down as I entered. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself. Kamloops was cold.
“Good evening, Miss,” he said in a cigarette-stained voice.
“Hi.”
I didn't see Roy anywhere, and the wave of panic threatened to surge again. I walked to the cooler to pick out a drink. There was no one else in the store, and I could feel Graybeard's eyes on me. I grabbed a chocolate milk and went to the counter.
“From Alberta, eh?” he said.
“Um, yeah, is it that obvious?” I looked down at my clothes.