Authors: Dee Henderson
In wanting everything at once, he risked losing everything—that was the bottom line. It was time to back off and get his own act together. Kate needed a friend. It wasn’t his job to convince her to believe. God knew best how to draw her to Him. Dave knew that.
It was painful to wait. He wanted the freedom to circle around the table, draw Kate into a hug, and let her rest against him until that strained look on her face disappeared. He could physically keep her safe despite her protests, but at the moment there was little he could do to keep her emotionally safe.
Lord, give me patience with her, please. I need more of it than I have. Her own pace, Yours, not mine, because I can’t handle a failure…not on something so important to the rest of my life.
H
er family thought Tony Jr. had done it. Somewhere inside there had still been the glimmer of hope that the O’Malley clan would look at the data and find something to change that initial hypothesis; instead, they had found proof to confirm it. Kate accepted it because she had no choice.
Jennifer was due into town tomorrow afternoon. Kate was glad now that Dave had convinced her to invite Jennifer to stay at his house. She talked to Jennifer every day, but it wasn’t the same. She wanted the excuse to put her time and energy into Jennifer instead of this case, to be useful to someone instead of being the focus of pity. The O’Malleys didn’t mean it, but they were drowning her trying to fix the problem. Kate needed to hear Jennifer’s perspective.
“Kate.”
The back patio overlooking the rose garden had become her favorite retreat, her spot of territory in Dave’s domain that she had appropriated as her own. Kate didn’t have to think here, didn’t have to consider what was going on in the investigation. At least for a few moments she could forget. She turned her head with some reluctance at Dave’s interruption.
He took a seat beside her on the lounge chair. “You once said you wanted a good steak, a cold drink, and a nap, not necessarily in that order. You still interested?”
She saw something in his expression she had not seen before, a deep sympathy, a heartfelt wish to share the pain and take it away, and she drew a deep breath as she felt his words penetrate her sadness. He had remembered, practically word for word. She didn’t think she would ever smile again, but this one reached her eyes. “Yes.”
His hand brushed down her cheek. “Close your eyes and start on that nap. I’ll wake you for dinner in about an hour.”
It was a quiet dinner, eaten on the back patio, finished as the stars began to shine. Kate carried their dishes into the kitchen while he closed the grill; then she slipped upstairs for a moment. She owed Dave something, owed herself something.
When she returned to the patio, he handed her a bowl of ice cream.
“Thanks.”
“Sure”
She ate half of the ice cream before she opened the topic she was still uncertain about raising with him. “I read the book of Luke the other morning.”
“Did you?” He sounded pleased but continued to eat his ice cream, didn’t leap all over the comment as she had been slightly afraid he would do. Maybe they had both learned something from that last aborted conversation. “What did you think?”
“The crucifixion was gruesome.”
He was silent for several moments. “A cop using the word
gruesome.
It helps to see that scene with fresh eyes. As time goes by, it becomes easy to say He was crucified and immediately go on.”
She set aside her ice cream. “I’ve got some questions I need answered before I talk to Jennifer.”
“Sure.” He opened the top of the carafe to see how much coffee was left, refilled his, and after a nod from her, refilled hers.
“It might be a long conversation.”
“Discussions about Christianity should never be sound bites. I’ve got as much time as you want to spend.”
“When it is over, I still won’t believe.” She felt compelled to warn him.
“You don’t now, and I still like you.” He smiled over at her, and he actually sounded relieved. “Would you relax? I don’t mind questions, Kate.”
She realized her shoulder muscles were bunched and forced herself to let go of the tension. The fact she could talk about a crime easier than she could this subject annoyed her. “That’s one thing that struck me early on about you; you’re comfortable with what you believe.”
“I am. Jesus encouraged honest questions. In Job, God says, ‘come, let us reason together.’ What do you need to ask?”
She appreciated the simplicity of what he offered. Not a lecture, not pressure. A sounding board. She so desperately needed that tonight. She flipped through her notes for a moment in the light from the kitchen, then closed the spiral pad and set it aside. “I need some context. You believe Jesus really lived.”
“I do. Roman historians of the time wrote about Him. Agnostics will argue over who He was, but even they concede there was a man named Jesus.”
She thought about what she had read that morning, then slowly began to think out loud. “If I accept the premise that God exists and that He created everything, it is logical to infer He would be able to do what He liked with His creation—heal someone who was sick, still a storm, raise the dead—the things I read about in Luke. The power to create grants the power to control.”
“You surprise me.”
“Why?”
“You easily accept the premise that God could exist and do what the Bible claims He did. Most people want to say there is a God and yet dismiss the miracles as something that didn’t occur.”
“The Bible has to be all true or all false. Otherwise, it would be everyone’s interpretation. There is no logic to that.”
“It’s all true.”
“If it is, then I have three initial problems with what I’ve read.”
“What are they?”
“God should be just. Yet Jesus did not receive justice. He was innocent and God allowed Him to die. God should be consistent. Jesus healed in Scripture every time He was asked; yet Jennifer believes, prays, and is dealing with cancer. God should care. From what I’ve seen during my life, He does nothing to intervene and stop violence. Either God is not involved, or He has an ugly side.”
“The mysterious plan of salvation, unanswered prayer, and the character of God. Not a bad threesome. Most theology students would have a hard time articulating a better list.” Dave sipped at his coffee.
“To answer your first question about justice, you have to understand God’s mercy. He is both just and merciful in equal measure. Why did Jesus say He came?”
She flipped through her notes. “That story with—” she hesitated on the name—“Zacchaeus? Jesus said He came to seek and save the lost.”
“Part of the mystery of salvation is that to save the lost, us, Jesus had to die in our place.”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“The people that killed Jesus, what would justice say they deserved?”
“To die.”
Dave nodded. “Yet Jesus chose to forgive them. Why?”
“He was showing mercy.”
“You don’t like that word.”
She rolled one shoulder. “It denies justice.”
“You instinctively feel the great quandary. How can justice and mercy exist in equal measure? To ignore the penalty, justice is shortchanged. To ignore mercy, people have no hope once they have done wrong—and we have all sinned.”
“They can’t exist together as equals.”
“Kate, God didn’t shortchange justice to grant mercy. He paid the full price Himself.”
She thought that through. “He was innocent when He died.”
“Exactly. Jesus can forgive sins; He can extend mercy because He already paid the full price justice demanded. He took our punishment.”
“If He paid the price for everyone, a blanket forgiveness, then mercy is larger than justice. They aren’t equal.”
“Earlier in Luke, Jesus warns—unless you repent, you will perish. God’s wrath against those who reject the sacrifice His Son made will be fierce. There is restraint now, to see who will accept, but on the day Jesus returns, the judgment will be final. Those that haven’t accepted the mercy extended to us by Christ’s sacrifice will face justice.”
“Is that restraint total? God allows anything to happen now, regardless of how innocent the victim?”
“I can understand why you feel God is too hands-off. The plane is a pretty vivid example of the violence man can do to man. God really meant it when He gave man free will to do either good or evil. He allows sin because He allows our choice. But He is not standing back, uninvolved. I know prayer makes a difference.”
“Then why hasn’t it made a difference for Jennifer? According to Luke, Jesus healed everyone who asked Him.”
“Do you remember the parable of the widow and the judge?”
“The only person who could help her was the judge, so she pestered him until he gave her justice.”
“Jesus told the parable because He wanted to remind us to pray and never lose heart. He knew we would wrestle with unanswered prayer. If God decides no, or not now, does it mean He is not loving? He does not care? He is not capable? Jesus knew we would not always understand God’s plans. He simply assured us not to be discouraged but to keep praying.”
“Jennifer having cancer, that is supposed to have a noble end?”
“God is allowing it today for a reason. He may tomorrow decide to cure her.”
“Then how do you know He is loving?”
“Because the Bible says God is love. You take Him at his word, even if you don’t understand the circumstances. It’s called faith.”
Kate tried to wrestle through the conflicting emotions. “There is nothing easy or simple about being a Christian.”
“No, there isn’t.” Dave ran his hand through his hair. “I believe, and I still wrestle with the questions you ask. The bank holdup, it had the effect of pushing me closer to God. Is that a sufficient reason to explain why God allowed it to happen? Probably not. Is the fact we met that day a sufficient reason? If Henry Lott had not come into the bank, would he have committed suicide instead? We don’t know what God sees in a situation, why He allows something to happen. The bomb on the plane—only God can understand tragedies like that. You learn to trust Him, even when you don’t understand.”
“‘I don’t understand’ describes exactly where I am.”
“You ask good questions. It’s the place to begin.”
“You would like me to believe.”
He looked over at her, and his half smile was rueful. “More than you will ever know.”
“I can’t believe just because you want me to or Jennifer wants me to.”
“I know. Faith is the ultimate personal decision. No one else can make it for you. That is all the more reason to ask the questions.”
Kate leaned her head back. The night sky was spread out as a shimmering layer of stars. So much power, so far away. Was God near or far?
She was grateful Dave didn’t try to break the silence. The questions lingered, unsettled. From her perspective, belief looked like stepping off a cliff, and she didn’t want to get any closer to the edge.
J
ennifer pulled out a kitchen chair, having finished a quick phone call, leaving a message with her fiancé Tom’s answering service so he would know she had arrived safely. “I like your friend Dave.”
Kate smiled back at her sister, pushing the glass of lemonade toward her. “So do I.”
There was an inevitability now about the case against Tony Jr., a matter of waiting for him to be found. Kate had spent today pacing, expecting at any time to hear her pager go off. Having Jennifer arrive late in the afternoon had been a relief, had changed the entire tone of the day for the better.
It wasn’t apparent when she looked at Jennifer that anything was wrong. Even the strain of the long trip back was not obvious. Stephen and Jack had brought her out to the estate, and the three of them had been laughing as they came in. Kate was sure neither of her brothers suspected anything. Jennifer had explained the trip as a consult on a case. She hadn’t mentioned the fact she was the patient.
“You didn’t mention he was British.”
“I thought you would enjoy that.”
“He reminds me of that singer I had a crush on when I was…sixteen?”
“About that.”
“I thought so. I still love the accent. So—” Jennifer twirled the glass; her eyes twinkled—“this is your childhood roommate talking. How serious is it between the two of you?”
Kate grinned. “Good friends, Jennifer. Just good friends.” If her life ever settled down again, she might get the perspective she needed to decide if it could ever be anything more. Dave didn’t fit the mold of any cop she had ever met. She was learning to her surprise that protection also felt a lot like care. She would be disappointed now if Dave didn’t care enough to know where she was and what she was doing. She found she kind of liked that attention.
“Given the fact I’ve heard rumors on the grapevine that Marcus approves, I thought it might be more serious.”
“Marcus is weighing in?” Kate was stunned. He did not normally weigh in on the family grapevine chatter.
“He decided to let Dave protect you. I guess he felt that deserved an explanation.”
“This place served as a safe house in the past; it’s simply a logical place to stay.”
Jennifer smiled. “You don’t have to explain it to me.”
Kate rested her chin on her hand and looked at Jennifer. “Dave
is
good-looking.”
Jennifer grinned back. “He is that.”
They looked at each other with the history of two decades spent together and shared a laugh. “We always said we should get boyfriends at the same time,” Jennifer reminded her.
“I’m just glad we didn’t actually plan this. It was one thing when we were in high school, another when we are supposed to be adults.” Kate used her spoon to fish a lemon slice from her glass. “So tell me, how is Tom? Is he still planning to come up for the Fourth?”
“He’ll fly in Sunday night and stay through Wednesday. I’ve booked a couple of rooms downtown at the Hyatt since he’s not been to Chicago beyond the occasional convention. I thought I would show him the sights, take him to the Taste of Chicago.”
“How did you manage to get rooms at this time of year? They book six months in advance.”
Jennifer touched the locket she wore and smiled. “I prayed. And there were two cancellations.”
Kate saw the peace on Jennifer’s face and wished she understood it. “Tell me about how the tests went.”
“I know now why I like to be the doctor, not the patient. Blood work, CAT scans, a biopsy, more blood work, the tests were like a parade. Bottom line—I’m in great shape for someone who has cancer.”
“Do they have a plan to suggest?”
“An aggressive cocktail of chemotherapy and radiation. Surgery is a nonstarter.”
“When do you begin?”
“It depends if Tom wants to have a bride that has hair or not.”
“Jen—”
“That was a joke, Kate. Seriously, sometime in the next three weeks. The radiation comes first, and they may send me to Johns Hopkins for the first round to try to spot target the cancer around my spine.”
“Did they tell you what to expect as a prognosis?”
“Kate, it might buy me an additional year.”
“That’s all?”
“I pulled that guess out of them. They don’t like such numbers because they’re afraid patients will stop fighting.”
“They haven’t met an O’Malley.”
“Exactly. I’ll fight this cancer for every minute I can get. But I may scrap the idea of a wedding and suggest a nice elopement instead.”
“The family will understand that once you tell them.”
Jennifer drew a circle on the table with her glass. “I’m going to tell Marcus next.”
“He needs to know; I hate keeping the secret from him.”
“I’ll tell him after the Fourth, then let the two of you help me tell the others.”
“Okay.”
“Enough about my health. What’s happening regarding Tony Jr.?”
“There is an APB out on him. Officers are combing his friends and associates to find out who might have seen him. There is no indication he has left the area, but assuming he was well prepared and is traveling with cash, he’s probably far away; it could be some time before they locate him.”
“I’m sorry for what is happening.”
“It’s not the shock that I have a brother I never knew about; it’s not even the fact he apparently hates me having never met me; it’s the reality that he could have done something this horrific. I don’t know how to deal with it.” She sighed. “Jennifer, how do you deal with the fact Jesus said love your enemies?” She saw her sister’s surprise. “I read Luke.”
“I wasn’t going to ask because I knew how chaotic your time has been.” Jennifer studied her. “That is the one thing I thought might be the hardest problem for you in the book; for all the O’Malleys when it comes to that. How do you deal with
God is loving
when you consider the past horrors in each of our lives. I don’t know how you are supposed to love Tony Jr., how that applies to this situation.”
“I wanted to kill him when I first realized what the evidence showed.”
“So many innocent people are dead.”
“That, but also just the fact he was there, someone I could hate, with a name I hate, when my father has been dead so many years.”
“What do you think now that it’s been a couple days?”
“I just want him brought in to face the courts. I want that sense of distance that he is just another suspect in a case. But it’s personal, even though I’ve never met him, and I can’t figure out how to get that distance. I’m either angry or sad.” Kate studied the water beading on the outside of her glass. “Mainly angry.”
“I can understand that. I don’t know how the anger changes. I know Jesus has the ability to love the just and the unjust. I guess that is where the change of heart comes from. He does it for us.”
“Have you forgiven that drunk driver that killed your parents, Jennifer?”
“Yes. I’m still glad he is doing time, but the hate is gone.”
Kate nodded, glad in a way her sister had been able to leave that behind. “I can’t undo the fact this guy’s my brother, much as I would want to.”
Jennifer sighed. “Tony Jr. did a good job messing up your life.”
“That he did.”
“What else did you think about what you’ve read?”
“Do you find it easy to do what the Bible says?”
“Not easy, no. But possible. It’s different than reading a how-to book and struggling to figure out how. I’ve found Jesus is much more personal. That prayer makes those directions real for my situation. That tough one, love your enemies, comes with names, things I am supposed to do.”
“Give me an example.”
“Alisha Wilks.”
“You’re supposed to love the nurse working pediatrics who doesn’t
like
kids?”
Jennifer nodded. “Stop and chat for a few minutes when I make rounds. Smile pleasantly when she complains about their noisy play. I even got reminded to take her cookies on her birthday.”
Kate winced. “I bet she complained about the crumbs.”
“She did. She’s still a terror for the kids, but at least she’s a little nicer to mine.”
“Loving her means letting her stay in the wrong job?”
“Hardly. I’ve practically got ordered to stop complaining about it in my prayers and do something about it.”
“You’ve been trying for six months.”
“Well, now I’ve been trying harder. I’ve met with her supervisor, the head nurse, the chief of pediatrics, and the hospital administrator himself.”
“Going to the top?”
Jennifer nodded. “Rocking the boat. The other doctors are shaking their heads, hoping I succeed, but not going near it.”
“What happens now that you’re going to be off full-time practice for a while?”
“The partners are closing ranks to cover my patients, and Tom has a doctor friend out East who’s a great pediatrician. He’s agreed to come out for six months, get a feel for my patients, the practice.”
Kate knew that had to be killing Jennifer. She had always wanted one thing: to be a doctor practicing medicine.
Jennifer’s hand covered hers. “Don’t, Kate. I’m okay with it. I’ll still be able to do as much as I have energy for; there will just be someone there to help and do what I can’t.”
“Do you understand why God has not healed you?”
“Kate, it is a complete mystery to me—I don’t know. The Bible is clear and pretty blunt: God hears and answers prayer. I don’t understand why there has been no improvement. People at church give lots of confusing justifications for why I haven’t been healed, but frankly they sound like excuses.
“I do believe God heals people as a result of prayer. In the years I have been a doctor, I have seen a lot of kids get well when all my scientific knowledge said it couldn’t happen. I’m convinced now that I was seeing the power of prayer. Why He doesn’t act in my case is a mystery to me, only He knows.
“There has been some good come out of the cancer. I’m certainly going to better understand my patients—being a patient is the pits. And you have to admit, it’s changed my priorities in life.”
Kate grinned. “Married. It’s going to be great.”
“I can’t wait.”
“If you elope, none of us will get to be bridesmaids.”
“You do realize being a bridesmaid means wearing a dress.”
She winced at the thought. “Maybe you can half elope. Just show up at an O’Malley dinner with Tom and a minister and get married right then.”
Jennifer smiled. “I think Dave would prefer to see you in a dress at least once.”
“He would.” Kate turned to see Dave leaning against the doorjamb, smiling at her. “Does she even own anything but jeans?” he asked Jennifer.
Jennifer grinned back. “Not that you would know it.”
Kate scowled at them both. “I’m on call. I can’t afford to be caught wearing something I can’t live in for a while if I had to.”
Jennifer chuckled. “She’s good at excuses.”
“I bet she would look fabulous in blue.”
Jennifer quirked an eyebrow at him. “Want to help pick out bridesmaid dresses?”
Dave slowly grinned. “She’d have to model them?”
“Every one of them.”
“There would be worse ways to spend a few hours.”
Kate, thoroughly embarrassed, slipped from her chair to get out of the line of fire. Dave took two strides over and caught her hands. “We were just teasing.”
“Did I say anything?”
“Your face says it all. You look nice in jeans, especially that old pair with the heart patch on the back pocket.” He grinned. “They’ve shrunk just about perfectly. It’s just that you would look fabulous in a dress.”
She let a smile slip through. “I’ll have you know I look better than fabulous.”
“Then how about an expensive date somewhere so you can show me?”
“Wear that teal dress you got in Paris, Kate,” Jennifer suggested, smiling as she watched them.
“Paris?”
Kate smiled and nodded. Paris, Illinois, but he could live with the mistaken assumption. Rachel, Lisa, and Jennifer had ganged up on her to celebrate her last promotion and had convinced her to spend almost a month’s pay on one single dress. Kate glanced at Jennifer. “Do you think Marcus would approve?”
Jennifer winced. “Dave, how’s your health insurance?”
His gaze lazily appraised Kate; then he flashed Jennifer a wicked grin. “She looks that good in it?”
“Yes. Just tread lightly if Marcus sees you together. Protective big brother will have something to say.”
“When?”
Kate slipped her hands free of his, then grinned. “I’ll think about it.”
“Kate—”
“Jennifer and I are going to watch a movie tonight. Do you want to join us?”
“Is it going to be mushy?”
Kate looked at Jennifer. “We’ll compromise with a comedy. We girls get the couch, you get a chair.”
Dave waved them on. “Go pick it out; I’ll make the popcorn.”
Kate slouched on the couch to finish the popcorn in the bowl on her lap as the movie tape rewound. Jennifer had just gone up to bed. It was still early, and Kate was toying with the idea of raiding Dave’s collection for another movie. The first movie had been great. It had been good to sit with Jennifer, share laughter—be reminded that all the good times with her sister had not suddenly disappeared.
“What would you like to watch next?”
She tilted her head back to look at Dave. “You’re game for another?”
“Sure.” He opened the cabinet that held the movies.
She scanned his selections. “How about
Apollo 13?”
“You like the classics.”
“Love them.”
Dave put in the tape. “Should I make more popcorn?”
She considered what she had left, then grinned. “This should get me to
‘Houston, we have a problem.’”
He chuckled as he took a seat on the floor, using the couch as a backrest. “Just let me know. I’ll pause the movie. Is that what you remember from your favorites, the dialogue?”
She nodded. “Occupational hazard. Voices are my thing. I can pretty much give you word for word my favorite movies.”
“I remember the music.”
“Do you?”
“Magnificent Seven is the best.”
“The guys wanted to make that our theme song. We shot down the idea.”
“It would have been a great choice.”