Read The More You Ignore Me Online
Authors: Jo Brand
She
went downstairs and, attempting to hold her nerve just in case the noise was an
intruder, threw open the sitting-room door to witness her father standing in
the middle of the room, trousers round his ankles, in a compromising position
with her GP who was kneeling in front of him doing something to him that he was
obviously enjoying.
There
was absolutely no point in Keith attempting to make it look like anything other
than what it was.
‘Oh
bloody hell,’ he said as he spotted Alice. Marie, intent upon her task, took
this to be verbal encouragement and upped her pace. There was an excruciating
moment when Keith attempted to communicate to her that they were being
observed.
Then
Alice turned her back and headed upstairs.
‘Oh my
God, Marie,’ said Keith. ‘That was Alice, she just came down and saw us.
‘What
shall we do?’ said Marie, pulled out of her lovely real dream.
‘Carry
on?’ said Keith, and began to laugh.
‘Right
you are,’ said Marie and they did.
It was difficult to say,
the next morning, which was worse, the emotional or physical devastation. Marie
raised her head with a groan from the settee and surveyed the havoc that two
middle-aged drunk, stoned people could wreak on a small room. Keith was close
to her snoring on the floor, with a cushion she had put under his head and a
rug thrown over him from the small chair in the corner.
She
realised what had woken her. It was Alice in the kitchen, putting the kettle
on. Marie got up and put on some items of clothing that were draped around the
room like washing.
‘Hello,’
she said tentatively.
‘Hi,’
said Alice, rather more brightly than Marie Henty could have hoped for.
Marie
formed the word ‘Sorry’ with her mouth, but before the sound came out, Alice
cut through it.
‘It’s
all right, Marie,’ she said. ‘My dad deserves some fun in his life.’
‘Thank
you,’ said Marie.
‘I just
wish I hadn’t seen it,’ said Alice with a grin.
‘Yes,’
said Marie, feeling a red-hot flush flood her face.
‘Tea?’
said Alice. ‘Toast?’
‘Yes
please.’
Keith
appeared at the door, his hair so charmingly awry that both women gazed at him
with an almost palpable fondness.
‘Morning,’
he said, the bravado on his face starting to slip as he watched Alice standing
by the kettle distributing cheap tea bags amongst the group of mugs.
‘It’s
all right, Dad,’ said Alice, ‘but if she’s pregnant, there’ll be hell to pay.
Keith
and Marie’s laughter echoed round the tiny kitchen, evoking a thought in Keith
that there hadn’t been too much laughter in recent years.
‘What
time is it?’ asked Marie, realising her watch had escaped during last night’s
sexual tornado.
‘Nine
thirty,’ said Keith.
‘Oh
bollocks. I’ve got surgery at ten.’
Keith
and Alice looked at her admiringly They didn’t know she could swear.
‘It’s
all right,’ said Keith, ‘you’ve got twenty-five minutes. It’ll take you five
minutes to get there. Relax, have some breakfast and you can get yourself
together in five minutes in the bathroom.’
Marie
almost cried with relief. It wasn’t often that she spent the night with someone
who then treated her with respect the next day and even invited her to stay
longer. The last man who’d got into her bed after a few too many spritzers at a
medical conference was a drug rep called Malcolm, who left the room in the
morning with indecent haste, without so much as a backward glance at Marie.
‘OK,’
she said. ‘That would be lovely’
The
three sat round the little table in the kitchen and chatted easily The ghost of
Gina seemed to be there but in a benign rather than malevolent way, as if somehow
her spirit had allowed Keith a little emotional leeway.
This
slightly skewed family breakfast was interrupted by the telephone ringing.
‘I’ll
get it,’ said Alice.
She
picked up the receiver, said, ‘Yes,’ once and then listened intently for a few
seconds, her face reflecting the sombre news being fed into her ear.
‘Is
everything OK?’ said Keith.
Alice
raised her hand to silence Keith and listened for a few more seconds,
eventually saying, ‘Thank you for letting us know, we’ll be in touch in a
little while.’ She turned to Keith and Marie. ‘Mum’s escaped from hospital.’
‘Oh,
for Christ’s sake,’ said Keith. ‘How the hell could that happen?’
‘The
doctor wants us to go and see him and discuss what we’re going to do. They’ve
informed the police and they think they’ll find her pretty quickly.’
The
morning’s relaxed atmosphere was shattered. Marie got up and headed to the
bathroom, realising after a few steps that she didn’t know where it was.
‘Top of
the stairs,’ said Keith helpfully.
In the
bathroom, Marie examined what her mother had always called ‘a plain but nice
face’, and tried to catch some of the urgent discussion going on downstairs.
When she went back down five minutes later, Keith and Alice were putting on
their coats.
‘We’re
going over there,’ said Keith, ‘see what’s happening. ‘‘OK,’ said Marie. ‘Will
you let me know?’ although she really wanted to say ‘Can I move into your house
with you, can we get married and I’m probably not too old to have a baby’
‘Of
course,’ said Keith.
They
drove in convoy up the small lane and when they hit the main road, they set off
in opposite directions from one another.
Marie
looked in her mirror to see Keith’s hand stuck out of the driver’s window,
waving frantically.
She did
the same until her car nearly went off the road and the van had disappeared
into the distance.
The drive
to Hereford took .about half an hour and as they entered the hospital, Alice
half expected to see her mother shuffling along the corridor, fag in hand. They
were told to go to the doctor’s office and within five minutes the familiar
face of Gina’s doctor appeared at the door.
‘Good
morning,’ he said, as if he believed that saying it brightly might pre-empt any
flak that was coming his way There wasn’t much. Over the years both Alice and
Keith had become used to contemplating the worst possible scenario, although it
had to be said that Keith was probably at his most indignant and unhappy which
was most other people’s best.
‘What
on earth happened, Dr Desmond?’ he said. ‘How could you let someone in Gina’s
state walk out of the door?’
‘I’m so
sorry,’ said Dr Desmond. ‘As you know, initially she came in willingly but as
time went on she started to say that she wanted to go because she had to see
this Morrissey chap.’
It was
apparent that he had not known who ‘this Morrissey chap’ was until some of the
younger, more aware staff had filled him in.
‘Yes,’
said Alice, ‘she has become rather obsessed with Morrissey over the last few
weeks.’
‘So…’
said Keith.
‘Well,’
said Dr Desmond, ‘we decided we would put her on a temporary section to keep
her here, given that it was the weekend, while we waited for the ward round on
Monday and got ourselves organised. We kept her off medication so we could get
a chance to observe the true Gina.’
‘And?’
said Alice.
‘Well,
I’m afraid she became increasingly upset and just before we were about to move
her to a ward that was locked so we could contain her, she walked out. When she
was challenged by a male nursing assistant, I’m afraid she kicked him in the
testicles and ran for it and by the time the emergency team arrived, she was
off the premises and away’
‘So,
what time was that then?’ said Keith.
‘Last
night at about seven,’ said Dr Desmond. ‘Any idea where she might have gone?’
Alice
resisted the temptation to say ‘Morrissey’s house?’
Both
she and Keith shook their heads.
‘Well,’
said Dr Desmond, ‘we have told the police and I’m sure Gina won’t last very
long out in the big wide world because she is so ill. People will notice her
and I hope they’ll give her some help or contact the authorities.’
‘Not
much else to say then, is there?’ said Keith, looking at his feet. ‘We’ll get
home and make a plan our end and obviously we’ll inform each other if we find
her.’
‘Indeed,’
said Dr Desmond, a word he’d started using a lot lately because he thought it
made him sound very mature.
Pompous
little twat, thought Alice.
As they
drove home, Keith and Alice discussed a plan. ‘I’ll get Bighead and Wobbly out
looking round here,’ said Keith reluctantly.
‘I know
this might sound daft, Dad,’ said Alice, ‘and I don’t know if she has the
capability of doing it, but I think she’ll head for Manchester to try and find
Morrissey’
‘Oh
Alice,’ said Keith, ‘she’d never make it.’
‘I
don’t think we should underestimate her tenacity, Dad. If she’s determined
enough, she’ll make it.’
‘It’s
December,’ said Keith. ‘She’ll have nowhere to sleep and no money The police
will pick her up long before that.’
‘Let me
go to Manchester,’ said Alice. ‘Mark could borrow a car off someone. We could
go for two days and really scour all the areas she’s most likely to be. I won’t
even miss work. Anyway, you can’t stop me even if you wanted to.’
Keith
knew that was true and he also knew how unbearable it was just sitting at home
waiting for news.
‘All
right,’ he said in a resigned way ‘Two days, but straight back after that.’
Alice
nodded. ‘I’ll go everywhere and I’ll find her.’ Keith felt a small glow of
fatherly pride. He knew lots of men who despaired of their teenage daughters
because of the distance between them, but Alice seemed to have all the good
qualities of Gina and none of the bad ones. She seemed so convinced that she
would find Gina in Manchester that all he could do was wish her well.
As soon
as Alice arrived home she phoned Mark at work. The woman who answered responded
to her request to speak to Mark with a snooty, ‘Our part-time employees are not
permitted phone calls at work, madam.’
‘I’m so
sorry, said Alice, trying to keep her temper. ‘I wouldn’t normally do it but it
is an emergency.
‘Very
well,’ said the woman, ‘but please make the call as short as possible.’
‘Hello?’
said Mark, sounding understandably worried. ‘Mark,’ said Alice, ‘I’m sorry
about this but I need you to come to Manchester with me for two days to look
for my mum who’s escaped from hospital. Can you get a car and the time off?’
‘Blimey,’
said Mark. ‘I feel like I’m in
Mission Impossible.
Well, I finish in an
hour, so with any luck I’ll be over at yours in a couple of hours. Not sure
about the car, though.’
‘Whatever
you can manage,’ said Alice. ‘We need to go today’
She put
the receiver down.
‘I’d
better phone Marie,’ said Keith. ‘Just to let her know what’s happening,’ he
added in response to Alice’s raised eyebrows.
Marie Henty’s
unhelpful receptionist eventually put him through.
‘What’s
happening?’ Marie asked immediately.
Keith
explained the current state of play.
‘I
can’t really talk now,’ said Marie. ‘Why don’t you pop round later?’ She
crossed her fingers behind her back so that the flu-infused patient in front of
her couldn’t see.
‘OK,’
said Keith.
Mark
arrived at one thirty in possibly the most ridiculous orange car Alice had ever
seen.
‘What
the bloody hell do you call that?’ she said. ‘It’s like a baked bean tin on
wheels.’
‘It’s a
Honda 600 Z coupé,’ said Mark, ‘and it costs about three quid and does about
four thousand miles to the gallon.’