The Moon Pool (7 page)

Shay slammed her hand down flat on the table, making the coffee cups jump. Some spilled over the edge of Colleen's, sloshing onto the table.

“Don't you think that's what I want?” Shay demanded. Her eyes shone with tears, but she brushed them angrily away with the cuff of her sweater. “Don't you think that's what I'm thinking every second of the day? There's so much of him in my head, I just have to—I have to—”

She looked down at her numbers, carefully closed the loop of an 8, drew two lines below the total. “I have to keep my brain moving. Okay? If I don't—oh, God, I don't know. I just do things, keep busy. That way everything, Taylor and all those little moments when I'm so terrified I want to scream, they just kind of stay aboveground a little. I do this”—she tapped the paper with the point of her pencil—“and it helps for a minute. So humor me here. Let me do my math.”

She picked up her own mug with two hands and drank deeply, the heat of the coffee evidently not bothering her.

“I understand,” Colleen said, though she didn't, not really. But if the numbers on the pad helped Shay, she wasn't about to argue.

The first waitress was back with their food. “Careful, it's hot,” she said. “Ketchup? Hot sauce?”

“Hot sauce for sure. You got any strawberry jam?” Shay asked. “Col, you want anything?”

Colleen shook her head. No one but Andy had called her Col since college, but she found that she didn't mind.

“Eat,” Shay said, salting her potatoes. Colleen's stomach rumbled. Hunger felt like a betrayal. She picked up her fork and poked at her scrambled eggs, pushing a thin string of egg white out of view under the toast. She took an experimental bite of potato. It was good, salty and hot and crispy, the sort of thing Colleen never ordered. Breakfast, when she had anything at all, was usually a protein bar or oatmeal, but she preferred to wait as long as she could before eating. She had lost thirty pounds on Weight Watchers three—or was it four?—years ago, but all but five were back, and she had been vaguely planning to try again to lose it this spring.

She took another bite.

“You wanted to go to the police station this morning, right?” Shay asked. “They open at nine. We can go straight from here.”

“I just thought an in-person visit might, uh, underscore...”

“Yes. Definitely. We want to be a burr on their ass. Then I want to go back to Black Creek. When I was there the other day I couldn't get anywhere with the desk girls. Dumb as stumps. The manager's supposed to be there today, and we can get the boys' things. You got your ID, right?”

“Shower for Capp... Capp...” a female voice came on the intercom.

“Capparelli,” Shay said. “It's not that hard! Listen, you go ahead and take the first shower if you want. Finish eating, though, let them wait a few minutes, they won't give it away.”

Colleen crammed down the eggs and a single triangle of toast. She took her things and headed back to the counter, where the clerk pointed down the hall. “Number four.”

Inside was much better than she had expected. It was like a hotel bathroom, except that every surface but the ceiling was tiled. On the floor, one corner dampened and stuck to the tile, was a rectangle of paper labeled
BATH
MAT
in blue lettering. A blue plastic trash can with a fresh liner was the only other industrial touch. A long counter held a folded towel with a paper-wrapped bar of soap on top.

Colleen took a deep breath and looked at herself in the mirror. The past few days had taken a toll on her. The bulb in the motor home bathroom had been blessedly dim, so she'd been able to pretend the dark circles and sunken flesh were the result of bad lighting. Here, under the bright fluorescents, every wrinkle and pore was on display. The whites of her eyes were bloodshot, the lids puffy, the lines at the corners like her mother's before she died. Her skin looked like it had been carved from wax, yellowish and sagging. Her lips had no color, disappearing into her face like an old woman's.

Was this what grief looked like? Colleen reached out and touched her image with her fingers, leaving a smudge. She took the washcloth Shay had given her and wiped the glass. She was a wiper of smudges. A cleaner of countertops. A vacuumer of crumbs. Only... it was Paul's fingerprints, his jam smears, the remains of his pizza crusts to which she had devoted herself for so long. Since the day he left for Syracuse a year and a half ago, his absence had withered her, scouring out what was left inside and draining any traces of youth that remained on the outside. She'd been fifty when he graduated from high school, Zumba-fit and pampered, the envy of her friends, the recipient—still!—of the occasional drunken pass at neighborhood dinner parties. Now she was... this.

And if he was really gone? Forever? What then?

Colleen gasped, doubling over, elbows on the cold countertop, unable to breathe. She closed her eyes and murmured
no, no, no.
Because she didn't mean gone. She meant dead.

Dead.

She hadn't allowed herself to think the shape of the word until now. It had hovered, slinking around the edge of her consciousness, ever since the missed Sunday call. A mere shadowy wraith first, as the hours and days passed, it had become more insistent, waiting for her to slip, to forget for one second, to fall into incautious sleep. But she'd been so careful. So careful! Under her clothes her thighs and inner arms were bruised from where she pinched herself. Because that's what she did. Every time that cursed thought threatened—
dead
—she punished herself until the pain forced it to recede.

But here, in the mirror, was evidence that she hadn't escaped the fear at all: the proof was in her face's wornness, its ugliness. Colleen pushed herself up from the counter and tore at her clothes. One of her blouse's buttons popped off in her clumsy fingers. She yanked her panties off along with her pants. She unsnapped her bra and ripped it off her arms and threw it; it landed behind the toilet. Her socks ended up nearby. There.
There!
Naked and pale and useless, the mother of no one, nothing. It was hard enough to fight the terror without the noise, that terrible racket echoing around the small room, and Colleen covered her ears to drown it out and it was only when someone started pounding on the door that she realized that the sounds were coming from
her.
She tried to stop, the wailing turning to gulping breaths, and someone—a man—was saying in a muffled voice,
Ma'am, ma'am. Are you all right, ma'am?

And then there was Shay's voice, firm and hard. “Colleen. Open the door. Let me in
now.
” Colleen stared at the doorknob for only a few seconds before picking up the towel and holding it in front of herself and opening the door a fraction of an inch.

Shay's blue eye, the smell of coffee, the din behind her. “Colleen,” Shay repeated calmly. “Let me in now. Okay? Open the door. I'm coming in.”

And then she did just that, pushing the door open wide enough to squeeze through before Colleen had made up her mind. Once inside, Shay closed the door nearly all the way and put her face to the opening and said, “We're fine in here, don't worry.” Then she closed and locked the door.

Colleen folded her arms over her breasts. The towel was ridiculous, it hung in front of her, concealing part of her stomach and thighs but leaving her hips exposed, the sagging dollops of flesh at her sides.

Shay didn't blink. She didn't reach for Colleen, either, which was good because Colleen wouldn't have forgiven that, even if she'd been dressed.

“So this is where you thought you'd fall apart?” Shay demanded, in that same steely voice. “With an audience? Honey, they're not going to forget that. You just got yourself talked about for the rest of the week.”

“I don't
care
,” Colleen said. Because she didn't. And wasn't that odd? Not to care what all those strangers thought? But she had finally admitted to herself that she was only a husk, a shell, a used-up woman, and maybe there was some freedom in that.

“You let yourself think worst-case,” Shay continued. “That was your mistake. Want to know where I fell apart? Because I did the exact same thing as you're doing now. Well, I kept my clothes on. It was somewhere in Nevada and it was about three in the morning. I'd stopped because the highway sign said there was an Arby's, twenty-four hours, and I hadn't eaten all day. Only it was shut down, the Arby's. Sign busted and everything. There wasn't
shit
at that exit and the next one was forty miles. There was some kind of mom-and-pop diner and a gas station with some old toothless perv staring out the window. And I parked and got out of the car and I picked up a rock from the flowerbed and I was going to throw it through the window, I
swear
I was, was going to wipe the sneer off his face. And then I just let that rock drop down on the ground, and I started screaming. Worse than you, actually. I screamed and cried until there was snot all over my face and my voice was just about gone. I thought about Taylor and the last time I talked to him, and I went down on my knees and when I couldn't cry anymore I lay down.
Facedown
, right on the asphalt, and I took my nails and dragged them over the road. Here.
Here
, look at this.” She put her hand up in Colleen's face, and the nails were broken off and the nail beds red and scabbed. How had Colleen not noticed?

“I got sand and shit up under my nails and I didn't care. There was sleet or rain or something coming down and I just lay there, all cried out, and then I started to worry that the guy had called the cops, which, come on, wouldn't you? I know I would. I got up and got back in the car and got on the highway and drove that forty miles, and there was a Shell there with a bathroom and I cleaned myself up. I got a coffee, and when the guy asked me how I was doing, I said fine. I said I was
fine
, Colleen.”

After a minute Colleen nodded, because it seemed as though Shay was waiting for a response. She adjusted the towel.

“So that's once for each of us. But that's
it.
That's all you get. You are not going to fall apart on me again. Because I'll cut you loose, Colleen. I swear I will.”

Colleen nodded again, because it suddenly made sense. Grief was an indulgence. A weakness. She'd been careless and she'd let it come too close.

It helped, knowing Shay had done it too. Even if she was lying. Even if she'd made it up for her.

“I'm fine now.”

“Yes. You are.” Shay narrowed her eyes and considered her. “You got any makeup with you?”

“No, I—I left it back at the trailer. I didn't think—”

“Okay. You shower and get dressed. You only get twenty minutes and if you go over, you have to pay for another full twenty, so be fast. I'll wait. It's getting late enough in the day there's a couple of showers free, so whenever you get out, I'll go in.”

Shay looked around the bathroom. She bent down and picked up all of Colleen's clothes and laid them out on the counter, turning the socks right side out and retrieving the bra without comment. Then she let herself out the door, squeezing it shut so no one could see past her into the bathroom. And Colleen was alone again.

She ran the shower hot and didn't bother to get her shower gel out of the toiletry bag. She unwrapped the soap and tied up her hair in the elastic Shay had given her, and stepped into the shower enclosure. The water sluicing over her felt shockingly good, and she let her breath out in a long sigh, closing her eyes and letting it cascade over her breasts and shoulders and neck. She made an effort to punish herself for taking pleasure from the heat and the spray against her skin, but she was too weak to resist.

SHAY KEPT AN
eye on Colleen as they drove the mile to the police station, gauging her reaction. Colleen watched the old downtown go by, her lips pressed together and her hands clutching the strap of her purse. Shay wondered what the streets of her town looked like—probably a far cry from both the ice-crusted, dreary streets of Williston and the dusty brown hills around Fairhaven. This trip was the farthest east Shay had ever been, and she had a made-for-TV notion of New England—horse-drawn wagons, crusty Maine fishermen, maple syrup, charming cobblestone streets lined with expensive little shops. In a way, Williston was just Fairhaven with snow and natural resources; for Colleen, it must be as foreign as another planet.

At least she had come out of the shower with her shit together. She kept her chin high and didn't acknowledge the curious and pitying glances from the other customers. Shay wondered if Colleen realized that the moment they walked into the place, everyone knew who they were. It was the third morning in a row Shay had eaten breakfast there, and twenty minutes into her first visit, she had made sure everyone in the miserable little place knew exactly who she was and what she was looking for. She'd held on to a faint hope that someone would be able to help that first day, that one of the customers or waitresses had been keeping a secret or a confidence. That when she laid Taylor's picture flat on the counter next to the cash register, and they saw his big blue eyes and megawatt smile, they'd realize how badly she needed to find him, and they'd step up and say...